*SUPPORT* for all who are living with estrangement

Good morning everyone.

Yes Smileless we are waiting to hear. It is DD3’s 21st today and there is to be a family celebratory lunch which I am looking forward to. So it may be that DD1 gives birth on the same day as I did 21 years ago!

I hope there is a good week in store for you all!

Morning all. Wishing everyone a happy and healing week.

Thank you hugshelp

Hope you enjoy your celebratory lunch Dolcelatte. Oh to be 21 again, or maybe not.

Goodness wouldn't that be something if DD1 does just that.

Thanks hugshelp.

Thanks Smileless. Still waiting!

We're waiting with you. When I saw you'd posted I got all excited thinking it was about your wonderful news; waiting's not easy is it.

Thinking maybe we should have gone with my plan and retired abroad. Fed up with this horrible weather; cold, wet and gale force winds.

Ugh! Know what you mean about weather, Smileless!

Dolce, hope you enjoyed the lunch. I take it DD!'s baby wasn't born yet or you would have told us. Best wishes to her for an easy delivery and a healthy baby!

Thank you Smile and Star. No news yet. As you will see, I have changed my username, as the last one was linked to my university email address, which has lapsed since graduation. I have kept the cheese theme though! [grin}

Meanwhile, Dolce, congratulations on receiving your certificate! Glad, too, that you had a lot of family support, including the message from DD1!

meant to be

Oh, sorry, I should have said "PetitFrommage." Didn't know, of course, LOL!

Yes, more messages from DD yesterday, so all good on the face of it, but I decided to go on Mumsnet today, in order to try to gain another perspective. I am conscious that most of us on here are the estranged parents and GP, so instinctively support each other.

MN's verdict is that my DD and SIL are not nice people, that she has changed and is not like my DD any more, that they 'saw me coming' and are only letting me see DGDs for personal financial gain. They don't mince their words over there but, the trouble is, that I think that there is more than a grain of truth in what they say. They have tuned into my deepest fears that SIL wants to get revenge on me and use us, and that DD is collaborating. I genuinely believes that she loves us and wants reconciliation but she turned her back on us before - I am sure at SIL's behest - so why wouldn't she do it again?

Also, some good friends whom we told about the pregnancy and, so we believed, our exciting news at becoming GP, have texted to ask if we are GP yet. I have replied to say that it's a long story but actually we have been GP for well over a year, it's just that we didn't know about it.

So, another day of turmoil and mixed feelings, I'm afraid.

I hope you are all keeping warm and having a good weekend!

A fear that may never leave you PetitFromage but to be expected. If our AC can estrange us once, they can do it again. We'd never have thought in our worse nightmares they could ever do such a thing so there are understandable concerns that history may be repeated.

I don't know what to say TBH. You can't put this put of your mind and to say 'only time will tell' is of no use or comfort to you at all.

Put it to one side if you can. It's there but try and move it from the front of your mind to the back. You will know if there's any substance to your fears of being used for financial gain, if a request is made for money.

I think you've done so already but if you haven't, this is something you and your DH need to discuss so you've made your decision as to whether or not you would be prepared to give anymore financial assistance.

You'll be as ready as you can ever be for contact to be lost if such a request is denied, and contact is lost once again.

I can't help but think that your D's determination to send messages and photo's to the extent she has, shows a real desire for this reconciliation to work and last, and I can't put into words how much I hope for you, that this is the case.

Oh goodness PF it can be harsh on Mumsnet. But then it's also the generation of our children rather than us so there can be things to learn on there. I usually find that you often get strong opposing views there though, so although they don't mince their words they often don't all think the same either.

But even if there is a 'grain of truth' in it, it doesn't make it the whole truth. Even people who DO love us can try and manipulate us to try and get things they want or think they need from us. They wouldn't ideally but they sometimes do. And I don't think only 'bad' people are maniuplative, but also people who don't clearly know what they want and how to ask for it. And people who are being manipulated often learn to be manipulative.

I really hope that your relationship with DD gets better and better but if there are problems at least by thinking about them now you can try and prepare for different outcomes a little bit. The more you think about it, hopefully the more different possible ways of handling things you will think of. xx

Thank you Smileless and Hugs for your wisdom - as ever you have made me feel much better about things. I think DD1 is selfish and thoughtless, but she is also still young and I do believe that she loves her family. I also believe that motherhood will have changed her - how can it not? And I will say that DGD1 looks a very well loved and cared for child, for which I respect DD enormously.

Hugs you make a good point about not only bad people are manipulative. I think DD also uses 'feminine wiles' in order to 'manipulate' SIL, which enrages my feminist principles, but that is the relationship which they have. She just seems to go along with what he says, or maybe she feels it is a grand romantic gesture to give up her family for him, 'star crossed lovers' and all that. I really don't know.

I have to say that the position on MN has been fairly unanimous so far. In a way, I wish it hadn't been, as they are pessimistic about the chances of a long term reconciliation and feel that I am setting myself up for more heartache. I suppose that, in some respects, people are much more black and white about things when they are younger. Interestingly, posters remember something of my previous threads, even though they were several years ago, although some have asked for more background. So I have had to relive some past things instead of just concentrating on the future, which has been painful but also given me a sense of perspective.

How are you doing hugs? I have been thinking of you and I admire you tremendously for not becoming bitter, but still thinking the best of people, and reaching out to others despite your own pain. I hope you are having a good day.

Still no news on the baby front.

It is painful sometimes reliving the pain we went through especially at the beginning of our estrangements, but as you say PF and can help give us a sense of perspective.

Today maybe the day!!!!!

Ditto what you said about hugs; for you hugs.

Three years now since I was able to speak to or see my only son and my grandchildren. I don’t know why. I have no other family and feel totally abandoned. I send cards, put money in accounts for them, but nothing.
I has occurred to me that when I pass away, at least my grandchildren won’t be upset as I’ll just be some stranger, so that’s positive. At this time of year and at other times such as birthdays I feel it very much, but try to just carry on and get those days over. I find it hard when well meaning friends show pictures of grandchildren and talk about their families. I say the right things but always come home and cry. It’s just broken me. Every year is getting harder. Easy to say go out and get on with it, but I’m increasingly shutting down and shutting away so I don’t have to engage with happy Christmas photographs and stories, birthday celebrations or group chatter which always seems to turn to family stories in whichever group you join. I’m dreading the next few weeks.

Just wanted to say hello as I had a hard time trying to find this post.
Still estranged from son ( two years) and stepson and his children. (Almost five years)
We just had our Thanksgiving dinners. Only four of us and it was very depressing but tried to make the most of it.

Dear cheesy lady, I hope you have happy news and all goes well for DD and baby today x

CuckooChristmas and birthdays are the pits aren't they.

It's so hard smiling as we listen to our friends telling us about their GC and wanting to share their photographs We're fortunate that our dearest friends tend not to do this, family though are more likely too.

If you feel the need to withdraw a bit more now December has arrived then do so but do try not see it as a forever thing. It isn't a solution because dear lady there isn't one. I do understand the pull to do so.

7 years of estrangement from our son and only GC but we do have another son; it must be beyond words to be estranged from your only child.

Now you have found us here on this thread, please share whenever you want too. There's always someone who will read and respond. You're not alone there are countless parents who are living this nightmare and some of them are here for you.

Hi there Rhinestone great to see you've posted. I wished you a happy Thanksgiving on another thread but you probably didn't see it, and I can't remember which one it was.

Sorry you've found the whole Thanksgiving affair depressing. It's hard to find things to be thankful for when you're living day to day with so much pain.

Oh I like that muffinthemoo 'cheesy lady'. Can we call you that instead PF, can we, can we, can we?.

Thank you for your kind words PF.
I have to confess that I have my moments in the quiet of the night when I can feel anger and sometimes bitterness. And I don't like it. I can't tell you how much seeing you yourself, and all the other wonderful people on here who reach out with kindness, helps me to get back on track.

I really sympathise with you cuckoo - each Christmas is an ordeal for me. I have to paint on a smile but I'm dying inside that another year has gone by. When it's your only child it must be devestating. I wish I could help in some way. xx
I haven't started writing my cards yet and I find it so hard to get started. I'm hoping once I get one done it will get the ball rolling. And I'm sure it must be very similar to how you feel at thanksgiving rhinestone
DH and I went over and did a few jobs for DD the other day in her flat. She put pictures on her FB and said, 'I'm so grateful to my wonderful parents who do so much for me' etc. It is lovely to see something like that but then I shake my head and wonder how my son sees me in such a bad light that he won't even hear my name spoken and has joined a group for 'people whose parents are narcissists'. I hope the truth is we are just normal people who did our best and made a few mistakes along the way but it's very hard to make sense of.

And especially thank you to smileless who sometimes always knows the right things to say and is like a rock on here.

sorry that was somehow always knows not sometimes doh!

hugshelpxx

Good morning from the newly appointed Cheesy Lady!
No news yet, but I will keep you posted.

Cuckoo, that sounds incredibly hard. Maybe you should spend the money on yourself and go away for Christmas and New Year, if that's a possibility? There are a lot of bargains being advertised at present and a change of scene may do you good, especially if you are meeting new people and don't have time to brood. Don't shut yourself away. Do you have a hobby or interest that you could develop in the new year, so that you are meeting like minded people who don't just want to talk about their families all the time. I went back to further education, which really helped to take my mind off things.

Have you tried counselling? It didn't work for me that well but I know that a lot of people do find it very helpful. You do sound very low in spirits, to the extent of depression. It might be worth arranging a trip to the GP, if you haven't already. In the meantime, we are all here for you, so keep posting, we know the abject misery and feelings of hopelessness and hopefully we can continue supporting each other. Treat us as your virtual family

Hugs, you are incredible brave, as is Smileless, and so incredibly selfless in the support you give to others, including me. Nights are always the worst, I think, when our fears and negative feelings drown us, especially if we wake up early - I know the feeling only too well. What has helped me is listening to Audible books which either engages my attention and takes my mind of things or helps me to drop off back to sleep (in which case I have to keep rewinding )

Rhinestone, I am sending my heartfelt sympathy to you. Special occasions and anniversaries are always the worst, aren't they? Big hugs. x