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Estrangement

Very distraught and I’m not sure where to go

(78 Posts)
Leaannbo Tue 21-Jan-20 14:37:04

Just to let you know I am American. I have a daughter who is 36 and married to a gentleman in the US AirForce. So distance can be very challenging. However,they are stationed nearby.They married young and had 4 children all with huge age differences and I have been excluded from everyone. I wasn’t told that my oldest grandson had joined the military. To be fair I am not as supportive of the military as other people maybe. I wasn’t told that he was stationed in the UK. I wasn’t told his wife was expecting my first great grandchild. She was and her husband and younger kids spent the Christmas season in the UK and once again I wasn’t told until I invited them to my house for the holiday. I spent Christmas alone.
This morning I was at a local cafe when one of my daughter’s best friends approached me and asked how my granddaughter was. I responded that she was doing very well. Daughter’s best friend then informed me that daughter and granddaughter were in an auto accident and granddaughter was hospitalized with a broken arm and is now awaiting surgery. I drove to the hospital to visit granddaughter and they had no record of her being there. That’s when I called my daughter demanding an explanation to what was going on and why I was being denied needed information reguarding my granddaughter. She told that this was not her business and I had no right to know and that I needed to stop making everything about myself. She hung up. A few minutes later my son in law came downstairs and told me to leave immediately before they had security remove me. Nurse’s station did call security but I left before they arrived. I have no idea why they have treated me so shabbily over the years and are now excluding me so much. I’m hurt,angry all at once. What can I do?

notanan2 Wed 22-Jan-20 17:35:13

In a nut shell: you made an already traunatic experience that they're going through more stressful.

If this is a pattern, this is why you do not form part of their support system.

If you are not forming part of their support system, you wont be who they want to call when things happen.

rosecarmel Wed 22-Jan-20 18:34:07

A system can appear like support on the surface, but in practice be enabling-

Granted she made/makes it sound all about her, but underneath it there's concern- Certainly there are causes for both-

Hopefully, going forward, she will take a more practical approach-

OutsideDave Thu 23-Jan-20 01:11:00

Rosecarmel- what ‘system’ are you referring to? I’m unclear what you mean in your prior post.

rosecarmel Thu 23-Jan-20 02:33:01

Sorry, OutsideDave- System as in support system/network-

OutsideDave Thu 23-Jan-20 02:57:08

So; are you implying that the OPs family’s chosen support system (not her obviously) is enabling them? I’m not sure I follow but that’s what it sounds like you are saying. Do I understand you correctly? If so- why do you think they are ‘enabling’? Because they choose to support a family that doesn’t include their Mom/grandma???

BlueBelle Thu 23-Jan-20 04:51:39

I think there are some very harsh answers by some posters after very little information, and unless the poster comes back and gives a bit more clarity to this, then answers are not going to be helpful
Its a tiny tiny, very muddled poorly constructed snapshot to give advice on
It could be that leannebo is in such a panic, such a misery about all this that she is blurting out the wrong sort of words for others to jump on
If you are still there leannebo quieten yourself down get a cup of tea (or glass of wine) and write down your story factually and briefly
Bullet points might even help

A few points to help understanding
Why are you in Uk ? Have you been here a long time are you lonely?
What a coincidence your son in law and grandson are both posted to U.K. at the same time?
How is your granddaughter ? Was she badly injured ?
Was your daughter injured in the car crash?
In your quest to get closer too them could you be overstepping the mark?
Could you be too demanding in your anxiety to get involved?
Are you lonely, and feeling abandoned and trying too hard?
I can imagine how mortified you were to hear about your granddaughter from someone outside the family but you need to look at the bigger picture to get your answers

Hithere Thu 23-Jan-20 08:37:59

OP,

You are not pro-military - did you oppose her match to her husband when she was young?

You have been estranged for 18+ years and you were never included in their lives.

However, you expect to be informed when there is an event (such as an accident) in her family.
Don't you see how unreasonable and entitled is?

Madgran77 Thu 23-Jan-20 16:30:24

*A few points to help understanding
Why are you in Uk ? Have you been here a long time are you lonely?
What a coincidence your son in law and grandson are both posted to U.K. at the same time?
How is your granddaughter ? Was she badly injured ?
Was your daughter injured in the car crash?
In your quest to get closer too them could you be overstepping the mark?
Could you be too demanding in your anxiety to get involved?
Are you lonely, and feeling abandoned and trying too hard?
I can imagine how mortified you were to hear about your granddaughter from someone outside the family but you need to look at the bigger picture to get your answers*

Bluebelle has given good advice and food for thought Leannebo. I hope that you can find something that resonates in it flowers

rosecarmel Thu 23-Jan-20 17:52:46

No, OutsideDave- Nothing referring to support in this particular situation was said, just offered a quick comment on support in general- Interpret it as wished- smile

notanan2 Thu 23-Jan-20 18:03:09

Madgran I understood that its just the GS (and maybe his immediate family) in the UK. The OP, DD and other family members, and the hospital, are not in the UK

notanan2 Thu 23-Jan-20 18:05:27

I can imagine how mortified you were to hear about your granddaughter from someone outside the family

OP would have been less embarrassed if she hadnt been pretending to be up to date and in touch with the DD before being corrected...

Summerlove Thu 23-Jan-20 18:12:18

Rosecaramel where you see concern, I see anger at being excluded.

OP, you need to apologise to your daughters family for your reaction.

Madgran77 Thu 23-Jan-20 19:35:49

Madgran I understood that its just the GS (and maybe his immediate family) in the UK. The OP, DD and other family members, and the hospital, are not in the UK

??? I was quoting Bluebelle...and not sure what your point is anyway Notanan ??

rosecarmel Thu 23-Jan-20 19:35:49

Summerlove, the OP described her temperament, her reaction, expressed that she's distraught and excluded- And in the second to last sentence of her post said herself that she is angry-

Madgran77 Thu 23-Jan-20 19:36:55

*I can imagine how mortified you were to hear about your granddaughter from someone outside the family

OP would have been less embarrassed if she hadnt been pretending to be up to date and in touch with the DD before being corrected...*

That is true notanan

rosecarmel Thu 23-Jan-20 19:54:08

notanan, the OP has limited contact with her daughter- She expressed that in her post- So when approached at the cafe, to the best of her knowledge, her daughter was ok-

notanan2 Thu 23-Jan-20 19:56:49

The truth would have been "I havent seen her lately" then

Summerlove Thu 23-Jan-20 20:09:48

rosecaramel the anger is at being excluded.

I didn’t read anything about concern for granddaughter. Just anger that no one told her.

rosecarmel Thu 23-Jan-20 20:20:07

It may be true that she hasn't seen her family- But the friend didn't ask if she had seen her family- She asked how her grand daughter was doing- And to the best of her knowledge, her grand daughter was good-

notanan2 Thu 23-Jan-20 20:57:06

And to the best of her knowledge, her grand daughter was good

Really? Because it sounds to me like she didnt know either way as they are low contact. Which isnt the same thing.

Then she got caught out on the "blag"

rosecarmel Thu 23-Jan-20 21:00:15

Summerlove, she herself said she was angry- She didn't omit it and I didn't fail to notice-

She didn't once use the word concern- Yet she made efforts to express it, and it comes out all about her- Start to finish-

Even in healthy relationships sometimes people hold back- Then once ready to talk, the listener may calmly say I wish you would have told me sooner, so that I could have helped you- And then continue on with the discussion-

It's something the OP can work towards, making efforts to express her concerns for others without it making sound all about her-

rosecarmel Thu 23-Jan-20 21:07:12

notanan, they are low contact- When one knows some- Unlike no contact- When one doesn't know- You are correct in saying they aren't the same .. smile

OutsideDave Thu 23-Jan-20 23:24:01

What the OP did, and ‘concern’ aren’t even in the same universe. What she expressed was not concern. Concern is not throwing a tantrum in a hospital and being escorted out after being threatened with security.

rosecarmel Fri 24-Jan-20 02:52:05

OutsideDave, the OP wasn't escorted out of the hospital- She was told to leave before security removed her- The nurse alerted security but the OP left the hospital before security arrived-

The OP inhabits the same planet as the rest of us- She drove to a hospital out of concern, to visit her grand daughter, only to make matters worse for all involved by throwing a tantrum-

She ended her post with a question: What can I do?
Can you answer that?

Starlady Fri 24-Jan-20 07:03:35

Leanbo, I'm so sorry that you are feeling hurt and angry. I agree w/ those who say you probably weren't told about OGS joining the military b/c of your negative attitude about it. They may have been trying to spare you the aggravation or worried that you would object and argue. If they decided not to tell you he was in the military, they couldn't very well tell you he was stationed in the UK either, I suppose. In fact, I imagine DD and family spent Christmas there b/c GS is there and b/c he and GDIL are expecting their first child. But I also think they didn't let you know they were going there b/c they didn't want to explain about GS' joining the military. No doubt, they could have avoided all these issues by simply telling you about his choice of career in the first place and letting the chips fall where they may. But they didn't, so I think that explains a lot else. It might not make it much better in your eyes, I know, but hopefully, it will ease your pain a little.

As for their not telling you about the coming GGC, that may be part of the whole effort not to mention the military. If they told you, what if you asked when and where? And if they said the UK, what if you asked what GS was doing there? Do you see where I'm going w/ this? It's unfortunate you ended up alone on Xmas though. Hugs! Hope next year, you make some plans w/ other relatives or friends.

Then again, I'm afraid GGPs are often overlooked. Parents have many people to inform - GPs, aunts, uncles, etc. so GGPs, I've noticed, often are "the last to know." A common oversight, not meant to hurt anyone.

As for DD's and GD's accident, I'm so sorry to hear of it and I hope they are ok. You must have been so shocked when you heard - and yes, embarrassed that DD's friend knew and not you. I totally understand your running over to the hospital, and it must have been very confusing when there was no record, etc. Though I agree w/ Hithere that GD was probably registered as a "private" patient, you probably didn't know that was possible or didn't think of it. I get that you were bewildered and upset, but agree w/ others that your "demanding" approach was a huge mistake. No doubt, you were worried about DD and GD, but you needed to show that concern, not complain about not being kept in the loop. In fact, I'm sorry to say, IF you have a tendency to cause drama and make things about yourself, that may be why you are finding yourself "excluded."

But I'm not sure what you mean when you say you're "excluded from everyone.' Are you talking only about these recent incidents or has this been going on a long time? Have you been excluded from several holidays, etc., for example? How often do you get to see DD and your GC, if at all?

I must admit your post is a bit confusing. My guess is you were writing it when emotions were running high, which is not unusual on forums like this. For example, you said DD told you that GD's condition, etc. was "none of her business." Did you mean to say, 'none of my business?" Or?? Please do reread your post and clear up the points of confusion (if you come back in). Thank you.