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"Yes. I’m talking to you EC." -- Well, I am an Estranged Child and I'm willing to listen...

(159 Posts)
HolyHannah Fri 31-Jan-20 07:03:12

Here's the message:

I went over and visited a few other sites that are dedicated to the children of estrangement. I noticed a whole lot of finger pointing and accusations of Narcissism especially among mothers. Some brought up this website as if a narcissistic parent would spend time looking to resolve their grief online. No kiddos. Let me tell you what a narcissistic parent looks like. A mother that neglects her children to go out to bars, feeds her kids the same meals day in and day out to buy cigarettes and beer for her man. A mother that tells you that you should have died instead of your sister. That’s just the very teeny tip of the iceberg of my relationship with my mother. I could post things here that would make most people’s heads explode. The point is that as screwed up as my mother was all my life, as immature as she still is, I stand by her and help her when she is sick today. I don’t turn my back on her because I came to realize as I got older that we all tend to reflect our own upbringing. My mother was raised by an undiagnosed paranoid bipolar parent. She was physically abused herself and emotionally terrorized. Perhaps that kept her in a perpetual state of adolescence. I don’t know for sure but what I do know is that there was nothing I did as a child to deserve maltreatment. I could walk away from my mother but I do the right thing by letting both of my parents off the hook. I don’t wish for them to die knowing that they were hated by me. Now if I can forgive my parents who I promise you were absolute monsters to me growing up, maybe you can stop feeling sorry for yourselves and do the same. When they are gone you will never have the chance to clear that up. Now I don’t recommend reconciliation in the case of sexual abuse but if you are keeping yourself away for things such as your mom was too nosy or she embarrassed you a few times, get over it. It happens to all children and guess what, if you have kids you’re bound to screw up without even intending to. Lord knows I had that first time my daughter told me I was stupid and that she hated me for being mean. It will happen to you! Furthermore, you say that you have gone no contact but what have you done in return that is actually quite dangerous. You’re putting the strangers online own personal biases as support for your complaints about parents. You’re relegating yourselves to impersonal support chats instead of trying to mend the relationships with the people that kept you alive and kept your tushies clean for the first few years of your existence. Children, adult children and parents will always have friction. Lower your expectations and see your parents as the people they are and not just as solely your parents. It is disappointing when you first realize your parents are not the idealized versions we see on television but you owe it to yourself to at least try to have compassion and understanding for them just as you would any other person on the internet.

rosecarmel Mon 03-Feb-20 16:52:16

I have concerns about the persistant, ongoing dramas and dysfunctions unfolding for extended family members too, 3nanny6- My brother similarly ran himself into the ground as well, he's gone now-

Listening is the healthiest means of support I can offer- That and continually establishing boundaries- But I've no desire to be the glue, to be looked to to be leaned on, be an anchor or pillar- Its well worth my while to work beside another while they work through their issue, to assist but not assume their responsibility - That little bit of distance leaves enough room to foster mutual respect and learning something from working together -

It stung both of us when I told my brother no- It wasn't a matter of him asking for more than I could offer- But the sad "fact" that it was more than I could- We spoke by phone daily until he knew it was his time, we expressed our love and said goodbye-

rosecarmel Mon 03-Feb-20 17:06:20

My children's decisions have everything to do with their upbringing and other influences- The way I see it, it all comes together like water- I'm not about to attempt to separate what portion of the water is me- We can focus on accountability, and responsibility instead of blame-

It's all cause and effect ..

Smileless2012 Mon 03-Feb-20 17:50:05

I've had to do a similar thing with my brother rosecarmel; "it stung us both when I told my brother no" sums up my experience perfectly.

We used to speak on 'phone several times a week but now he wont take any of my calls so I haven't spoken to him for several months. Emails and texts are ignored.

3nanny6 Mon 03-Feb-20 18:26:12

I think perhaps the sharing was a bit much but talking does get things off your chest. In regard of my brother he is gone now and nearly all the family dramas are played out. They can be draining and sometimes upsetting.

I would still do the same again just so I knew my nephew had someone he could always talk to if ever needed.
In regard of his mother she has a lot to answer for and she probably will when some of the children in care decide they might want to trace her. (none of that is my problem)
I am glad I had all information to hand about her especially when my sons friend from junior school came to see him only a couple of years ago. We had not seen this boy for a while and now son and his friend are in twenties. Sons friend gets out his phone to show us his latest girl-friend and there you go it's my brothers ex partner, I nearly fell off the chair in shock. We told him to get away from her as fast as he could. The long and short of it being he got her pregnant and because of her past history the baby was taken straight from the hospital by social services and never returned. Have not even seen my sons friend lately. That woman does not care she was over 15 years older than him as well. I said life is sometimes like a script from the Jeremy Kyle show.

All I need these days is peace and quiet and sod the dramas and dysfunction I've done my bit for all around me now it's my time.

Smileless2012 Mon 03-Feb-20 19:47:57

I hope you take your time for yourself 3nanny goodness knows you've earned itflowers.

Yennifer Mon 03-Feb-20 20:19:00

For OutsideDave and anyone else who needs it x

Starlady Wed 05-Feb-20 07:52:45

Oh, 3nanny6, my deepest condolences on the loss of your DB (dear brother).

I am so very sorry, too, about his X and what your nephew must have gone through. TG, he had/has you in his life!

I don't blame you a bit for wanting to run over that woman, but so glad you had the self--restraint not to. Among other reasons, what would it do to your nephew to have his beloved aunt go to prison - and for murdering his mum, no less!

But can hardly get over what you told us about nephew's friend! How awful, awkward, embarrassing, shocking, and - oh, I don't really think I have the words - that must have been for all of you! I am so sorry that happened! But I guess friend was lucky to be warned. I hope he listened.

3nanny6 Wed 05-Feb-20 12:42:49

Thank-you so much for message Starlady and I do not always share the deepest of my moments that gave the family such a terrible time. In fact at least from being on G.N. I have now come across others that also had dysfunctional stories in their family.

Thank-you for condolences of my late brother it will be 3 years tomorrow for his death anniversary so I will spend a few hours with my nephew to reminisce over happier times when his dad was still around. Nephew got himself a lovely rescue dog just after Christmas and is coming on in leaps and bounds with his new companion.

I know it would be to much to bear if I done anything to my nephews mother even though he wants nothing to do with her she is still his maternal mother and as much as I detest her I would never want to lose his love or respect to end up in prison because of her.

In regard of nephews friend you have got it a bit wrong it was my sons friend from junior school just maybe re-read my post. It was my sons friend that started seeing my brothers X. Yes I warned him about her but unfortunately
he did not take the warning. I wrote he got her pregnant she carried the baby full term and gave birth in hospital, but because of her past history the Social Services took the baby away and it was never returned, put up for adoption as far as I know. So that lads life somewhat ruined as well.
My nephew knew about the friend because his mother had him living in the house and yes it was so shocking this young man was only 7 years older than my nephew and yet his mother was running around all over the place with him as if she was a teenager.
The worst is over now sadly dear brother has gone but nephew is settled and as long as the mother keeps her distance we will get through.
Thank-you for all concern.