What else can I do for my daughter to want me in her life

I've seen all that in my time here, not the word evil but words to that effect and all the rest I mentioned. I'm sorry I just don't get it. I find it really heartbreaking x

Isn't it strange how some people can extrapolate information from an OP that was never actually given? Is this a case of personal experience preventing some people from being able to read the OP exactly as it is, and not projecting what they think they've read? It makes following a thread very confusing because I have to keep going back to the OP to see if I missed a stated comment rather than another posters assumption/self projection.

Panda, you say 'my husband won't have them here anymore. Why have you let him dictate to you and exclude your own grandchildren? That's just not on - it's your home too!

I’ve never commented on an estrangement thread before, but have read many here. Forgive me if I’m speaking out of turn, but I don’t understand the emphasis being on grandchildren and not your own adult children. Why is it so gut wrenching to even entertain being taken away from these children when your own children seem to be a means through which to access them? OP - I’m not sure what outcome you are looking for here, is it to reconcile with your daughter or to facilitate seeing her children?

Good point Lolo! There are many posts about access to grandchildren. I do love mine - but my own children are the closer, more vital relationship!

Thank you Hetty, I’m of the mind that a good relationship with the adult child - which sometimes involves us admitting fault and apologising (we are all human after all) straight away would equate to a reasonable grandparent bond.

There's a huge difference between someone wanting you in their life because of the relationship they have with you, and wanting you because of what you do for them.

That is so true Smileless

Agnurse It was your daughter's wedding. It was not your place to tell her that she had to invite her sister.

Hmmm ...bit simplistic in my view. Family members express opinions to each other, that is normal!

I think you need to offer a sincere apology to your daughter.

What for exactly?

It makes following a thread very confusing because I have to keep going back to the OP to see if I missed a stated comment

So do I!! Chewbacca It is somewhat confusing and irritating and not very helpful for the OP

What is the point in reliving the past and analysing it.

This daughter is using the grandchildren like bait on the end of a fishing rod and dancing it up and down in front of her mother watching her, acting like a fish trying to jump at the bait and swallow it.

To me that is totally unacceptable. It is up to the grandmother to regain her self respect. Set some rules for your daughter, you talk about taking 'crap' from your daughter. Make clear to her that you will no longer do that. Tell her the circumstances under which you can care for the children, tell your DH that the house is yours as much as his and the children will be in the house one afternoon a week and if he doesn't like it he can go out.

What sort of example are you offering your grandchildren when you constantly let your daughter order you about and will not make clear to your DH that your grandchildren will always be welcome in your house.

Get a backbone. Your daughter may cut you out for a while, but I suspect she is far more likely to respect you if you stand up for yourself.

I am sorry that you're having to go through all of this. I cannot give you any advice as I haven't spoken to or seen my daughter in 5 years!!!! I don't know what I've done and tried often to resolve it. No luck. Thankfully I still see my 2 beautiful grandkids through her ex husband or I think I would go mad! Sending you love and hugs xx

Her daughters aren't little girls who Mummy has to stop from fighting with each other. They are grown adults. It was none of OP's business who her daughter did or did not invite to her wedding, and certainly none of her business to get involved in a dispute between two grown adults.

I wonder if there is a significant backstory here that we are not hearing.

I think you have a point there Chewbacca, there are some who project their own experiences onto the OP. I fail to see how the OP stating she tried to "reason" with her D about her other D not being banned from the wedding, can be interpreted as her demanding that she be invited.

I think the apparent "emphasis" from some EP's being on their GC and not their AC Lolo is because in some cases the GC are being used by their parents, either as a means to 'punish' their parents by refusing contact or as a way of manipulating and controlling their parents.

The reality for some is that despite having had a good relationship with our AC and all that that encompasses, doesn't necessarily "equate to a reasonable grandparent bond".

All good relationships require us to admit fault and apologise when necessary and in the parent/AC relationship that is just as necessary from AC as it is their parents.

I agree MOnica the children are being used by their mother; it is totally unacceptable and I don't understand why anyone would think otherwise or put the onus of responsibility for this situation on the OP.

Well you certainly have a totally different outlook on parenting than I do agnurse. What happens in your children's lives is your business because regardless of how old they are, they are your children and their welfare is always your concern.

The OP did what the majority of reasonable mothers would have done in a similar situation, she tried to "reason" with one of her D's to try and diffuse the situation.

You say you "wonder if there is a significant backstory here that we are not hearing", why?

Why can't you accept what the OP has told us without embellishing her post yourself by saying she demanded her D attend her sister's wedding and/or assuming there must be more to this than we've been told?

Agnes, why do you have to be so judgemental.? Panda did exactly the right thing at the wedding by not taking sides and interfering. I wouldn't play your daughters games anymore, you did nothing wrong, there is nothing you can do to alter her ways, it's hit to come from her, she needs to learn to respect, she is a bad example to her children. As for your son in law, words fail. You look after his children but are not allowed into his home. Your husband shouldn't lay down the law about the children either, just because of some breakages, he has no right not to consider your feelings, his grandchildren are more important.

agnurse I too have wondered about a back story, but feel what matters is dealing with the current situation. I just think the OP has to assert herself and take control of the situation and stop letting her DD, SiL and DH treating her like a tin to kick around the street.

Until she does that there isn't a chance of any resolution and even then it will be touch and go. It is trying to deal with where they are now rather than how they got there, although I think that will be relevant to any final resolution.

agnurse It is entirely normal for members of a family to discuss things! Normal family interactions and discussions include arguments, people mediating if they can, people making up or not making up and so on!

Rather less normal family interactions include such things as leaving ones kids with your mother for 2 weeks whilst one goes on honeymoon and then refusing to see her for 3 years!!!!

Smileless, thank you for your reply. I hope I didn’t offend by asking the question and it’s terrible for those of you in those circumstances, I certainly wouldn’t want to upset anyone or cause pain where there is obviously already so much. I genuinely just didn’t understand why there were so many posts here and focussed solely on the GC’s rather than AC’s which would then facilitate a relationship if you see what I mean?

The atmosphere has dropped here again, why are we back to arguing and disagreeing instead of just saying what we want to say and letting the OP take the advice they like

Lolo yes, I do see what you mean.

Mr. S. has a friend whose son refuses to acknowledge him and his wife, if he sees them he crosses the road rather than have to acknowledge their existence.

Despite this, they see their GC on a regular basis, taking them for days out and having them for sleep overs. He told Mr. S. that of course they miss their son and hope one day things can be resolved but at least they don't feel as if they've lost everything.

All the while they see their GC, they cling to the hope that the door to reconciliation hasn't been slammed shut.

Smileless, thanks for your understanding. I’m new to posting here although I have been reading posts for quite a while. That’s a terribly sad situation for Mr S’s friend and I hope it is eventually resolved for all of them

There's nothing wrong with arguing and/or disagreeing Yennifer and doing so doesn't prevent the OP from taking on board the advice she feels would be beneficial to her situation.

Lolo welcome to GN.

Ah well I will have to disagree with you Smileless2012 but shan't argue with you about it x

Welcome, Lolo!

I want to add to what Smileless has said that sometimes a parent's relationship w/ their AC may seem hopelessly strained/estranged, so they focus on possibly being able to retain/regain access to their GC.

As for the OP's situation, people, I imagine it's very hard for a parent to see their beloved AC at odds w/ each other, especially if it gets to the point where one is banning the other from her wedding. I imagine it would also be very painful for that parent to contemplate attending that wedding, knowing their other AC has been banned from it. And I agree w/ Smileless that most parents/mums would try to diffuse such a situation.

However, I'm not sure that "reasoning with" ODD means the OP was simply trying to diffuse the scenario. I suspect she tried to convince ODD to have YDD at her wedding after all. Very understandable, IMO, but a huge mistake. What she could apologize for is, as I believe I said earlier, "getting in the middle" between her 2 adult DDs.

I realize now that there may have been more that went on. Depending on how serious ODD was when she said she wouldn't mind if the OP didn't come either, she and SIL may have been angry that OP showed up, despite that. Again, I totally get the OP's decision, who would want to miss their DD's wedding? But ODD and SIL may have been shocked and angry that she came.

We don't know, of course, b/c OP didn't say. She did tell us it was "the worst day." I wonder if that's b/c there was tension between her and ODD/SIL. But again, we don't know.

Regardless, none of that justifies their using OP as a childminder during their honeymoon and then cutting her off for 3 years. If they couldn't make other arrangements, as one poster suggested, then, IMO, they should have found a way to maintain the relationship afterwards, not just used her and thrown her away.

Then again, we don't know if there were any issues that arose in relation to the babysitting or if there was a new confrontation after ODD and SIL came home. The OP hasn't answered my question about that as yet. Like agnurse, I feel as if there are pieces missing to this puzzle.

I also feel as if, sadly, ODD may just be using the OP again now, to watch her children even though she and SIL don't seem to want a relationship w/ OP, themselves (sigh). They probably feel OP wants access to the GC, and, no doubt, she does. But they're getting plenty of childfree breaks out of it,