What else can I do for my daughter to want me in her life

Thinking this over some more, perhaps ODD would have more of a relationship w/ the OP now if SIL didn't object to her coming into their home. Panda, if you're still reading, do you feel comfortable telling us how that came about? After all, it was ODD you had the conflict with. In fact, I'm wondering how you know it was SIL's decision to ban you from their home and not ODD's? Sorry, I know it may hurt to think about that, but I'm just trying to understand the situation better.

Thank you everyone for all your posts it has really helped me. I would like to say I absolutely didn't pick sides, I did say that I understood her reasons and it was her big day. Her husband decided to ignore me, my husband and our other daughter and son on the day. I thought it would all settle after the honeymoon but SIL is very childish and has ignored us since. I honestly can say I never said anything to upset the boat I do not like confrontation. My daughter is very very stubborn and once she has a thought in her head that's it, nothing changes it. I have said that I am very sorry if I did anything to upset her. She actually had never said what I've done. My husband has reached the end of his tether to be honest and has had enough of the disrespect. He is upset, for me. My daughter has always been her way or no way. I'm afraid the point of removing precious ornaments is not viable, the children actually threw something at my mirror robes when I tried to stop them from running into my bedroom as I do try to keep them out for safety, unfortunately the mirror cracked. It will cost us 300 to replace. My husband was not happy as the children are I'm afraid quite naughty. My daughter just shrugged when I said they had smashed the mirror. They have unfortunately been banned from other family members houses. I am upset that my daughter seems to be totally unconcerned about how she speaks to us and has no care about how it's received. I know she would happily not see us, not because of anything we have done in fact most people seen to think we're have done far too much and she has no respect. I'm heartbroken but I feel like I've tried everything. I feel like she's punishing me and always seems angry at us. I do walk on eggshells I'm afraid. I really appreciate your advice and will read through all posts again and try to take from them the best way forward

The arguement between my odd and other dd was actually over the way sil treated everyone and about how my odd was treating me and her father. My sil took offence and refused to allow my dd to attend the wedding. Then he said he wouldn't stop my daughter from seeing us but that I or any of her siblings, was not allowed to go there. My daughter is very strong willed and I know she has agreed to this also

Thanks for coming back in and responding to our posts, Panda. You sound like a very loving, reasonable wife, mum and GM.

I'm sorry your GC are so unruly, and I'm surprised ODD and SIL aren't more concerned about that. If you don't feel comfortable bringing them to your home, then I suppose you'll have to take them out but, again, perhaps cut back on how often. If they are too hard to handle, you might have to let ODD know you can't deal w/ them anymore. But then, you may not get much chance to see them, I'm afraid. Only you can know what will work best for you.

I'm a little confused on one point, however. In your OP you said, "After trying to reason with her as she and her husband to be banned my other daughter from the wedding..."

But now you tell us, "I would like to say I absolutely didn't pick sides, I did say that I understood her reasons and it was her big day. "

I'm not sure how those two statements go together. In the first one, it sounds as if you tried to convince ODD to include YDD after all. In the second, it sounds as if you respected ODD's decision. Perhaps you did both? Gave her reasons why she should include YDD but listened to and accepted her (ODD's) reasons why she wouldn't? I totally understand that. But if ODD has always been "her way or no way," chances are she didn't. Chances are, she felt that while you accepted her decision in the end, you were really fighting for YDD. I'm so sorry about this. But I'm sure that - and the fact that you showed up at her wedding even though she basically asked you not to (sigh) - are at the bottom of this rift.

Also, maybe you and DH have done "far too much" and now, ODD just expects it? No doubt, you did it all out of love, though, for her and your GC. Perhaps it's time to stop doing so much. I don't think totally pulling the rug out from under her (refusing to babysit, period) would be productive. But, once again, I definitely would consider cutting back. What do you think?

I would like to say that I did not, ever, say who my daughter should or should not invite. It was not my place. I was upset that my daughter was banned because I knew she was only trying to stand up for me about my daughter treatment of me. I understood it was her day. I did look after the children, 2 at the time of the wedding, all day for her whilst she worked. She stopped work after the wedding and had a third child who I never got to see until we reconciled. He was 3 by then. I do feel sad that I missed out and I do feel guilty that I should of tried even harder to reconcile, but its like baking my head against a brick wall. I would love a relationship back with my daughter but would accept just seeing my grandchildren on a regular basis. I can see the children as she knows how much I love them but just doesn't seem interested in any sort of relationship with me other than when I can babysit for her. This was always overnight and at my house.

Oh, just read your explanation of the argument between YDD and ODD/SIL. It sounds as if it was YDD who got in the middle of various issues. Again, I totally understand why (she's clearly a very loving DD, for one). But, unfortunately, it was probably a mistake.. So was criticizing the man ODD loves and was about to marry even though, no doubt, YDD had good reason. ODD and SIL must have been very hurt and angry. I can see where they may have felt, "Fine. You don't like your sister's choice? Then don't come to the wedding!" And since YDD was defending you and DH, I'm afraid I can see why ODD/SIL felt you were intervening on YDD's behalf, even though you may have just been trying to smooth things over. I'm so sorry things got out of hand this way. And in relation to your DD's wedding too! Sigh... xx.

SIL probably thinks he is being fair by agreeing that ODD can see her family but just not have them in their house. Since you say you believe ODD agrees w/ this, then chances are she can't imagine having any of you there when you clearly dislike SIL. I get her side, but I'm sorry it has worked out this way.

Also, rethinking... she may not feel she's "using" you by asking you to watch the kids. She may feel she's doing you a favor (letting you spend time w/ them) in return for the one you're doing for her (childminding). So perhaps my earlier "using" comment was too harsh. But she and SIL have set boundaries (no visiting their home), so, IMO, you can too.

A high level summary of what happened with the odd at her wedding is not going to help identify the rift.

More details - actions, what was said, body language, etc are needed.

I am with agnurse about having a background that hasn't been shared.

Why are estranged parents' posts so vague? It is so hard to help if no information is given

Ah, faux apologies do not help. They make everything worse

Wow! You've done a lot for ODD! Again, IMO, you are a very loving mum and GM.

"This was always overnight and at my house."

So now that the kids are banned from your house, how does it work?

My reasoning with my daughter was purely on the grounds that if she had decided to ban my other daughter then there was nothing I could do about that but that it saddens me to think that an arguement would actually go that far. She had never really got on with her sister and had already asked her to be maid of honor then had stripped her of that before the arguement. I was most careful not to say anything, just that it's a shame it's got to that point.

Weddings are notorious for causing problems and blowing them way out of proportion. Honestly, I think they bring out the very worst in people.

We don’t really know what happened, or the history behind it, but it’s obvious that Panda was trying, without a lot of success, to keep everyone happy.

Panda, you are getting it from all sides, your husband should be mindful of your feelings, and help you to give the children a nice time, unless they are little vandals, I doubt they broke anything intentionally, and your daughter and son in law, to be honest, sound pretty awful.

I know it’s all about the children, and you can’t bear the thought of not seeing them, but you really should not be treated like this.

I so hear you, Panda! Unfortunately, I think ODD "heard," your comment as, "You should re-invite YDD to your wedding." Or "You should stand w/ YDD against SIL." I KNOW that wasn't what you said or intended, I just think that may be how ODD "heard" it.

It seems there was tension growing between ODD and YDD for a while (over the issues you mentioned previously, I imagine) since ODD had already stripped YDD of the MOH role when this new argument occurred. It seems to me that there have been a lot of issues going on and crisscrossing each other for a long time. Again, I'm so sorry. Hugs!

Reading these very sad threads it is so sad and cruel for adult children to basically blackmail the parents. I would leave the door open, tell my daughters that I love them but am not going to be treated like a piece of rubbish and is that the kind of parent they want to be to their child. If they can treat you like that then you need to stop it by telling them or asking them why they want to hurt you and you cannot take it anymore.

I do hope you can find a way forward Panda that doesn't require you to permanently walk on eggshells.

Why are estranged parents' posts so vague? It is so hard to help if no information is given

This EP is doing her best to give detail and is acknowledging a level of understanding of what is appropriate and what not in her expressing her views! And if we cant comment unless we know body language etc then why are any of us bothering to comment on anything atall on an online forum!!! Dear me!

"Why are estranged parents' posts so vague? It is so hard to help if no information is given

Sometimes the EP is trying to avoid giving identifying information. IMO, this is understandable - and wise. Also, often I think it's hard to get down everything at once. And the OP may know the story so well they don't realize we may not get some things unless they spell them out. Or they might not always realize what we would see as important. But that's why we ask questions, surely?

Hello everyone, again I appreciate all the advice and just thought is let you know that, after very careful consideration and finally acknowledging that I have been treated as a virtual punch bag, I decided to text my daughter and say that if she continues to ignore my efforts to move forwards and either sort out any issues she may have, or decides that she really don't care one way or the other about us, then at least can we sort out some arrangement for me to see my grandchildren. I have decided that I can't continue getting hurt when I've done every thing I can do to have a relationship with her and yet I am not given any respect or appreciation for this. I can't do anymore so I have cione to the conclusion that being a caring, helpful, friendly parent didn't get me and won't get me anywhere in her affections. It hurts, terribly so, but I will continue to see the children hopefully and accept things as they are. My other children are very angry about their treatment of us and to be honest are happy now that I've decided to stand up for myself. I will survive this however it goes. Because I have tried and have basically answered my own question. I can't make my daughter want me in her life. Thank you to every one who tried to help xx

A difficult and may I say brave step to take Panda. I hope for your and your GC's sake that your D wont be mean spirited enough to stop you from seeing the children.

You've done all that you could possibly be expected to do. I hope that whatever the future brings, you'll always remember that.

I wish you well.

"I decided to text my daughter and say that if she continues to ignore my efforts to move forwards and either sort out any issues she may have, or decides that she really don't care one way or the other about us, then at least can we sort out some arrangement for me to see my grandchildren"

What kind of reply ate you expecting?

Demands like this with an estranged person do not go well

Apologies for typos and yoda type speech

I'm not sure that text is going to help Panda220, I can understand how much it must hurt when family just don't get on. Some people just don't though. I think it would be better to work on the relationships with people who you do get on with. Family doesn't come with magical bonds and they break just like any relationship if not everyone is prepared to work on it. Let everyone be responsible for their own happiness, they are all adults x

I suppose Panda is hoping that she'll still be able to see her GC Hithere and if it's convenient for her D that she does, then hopefully that will continue.

There are times when we are all pushed to our limit aren't there and there's only so much emotional battering we can take.

Yennifer I understand your point ..but I'm not sure Panda thinks it will help the situation, just help her! Although painful Panda has decided to help herself by putting her own well being and happiness first and being responsible for it in this painful situation ...she is basically making the decision to estrange herself just as ACs do ...and is hoping that her daughter will still let her see her grandchildren ...but she is accepting that she might not be allowed to . Very brave and very hard. Panda I hope things work out in a way that is the best it can be for you

Wow, that basically reads as "Do whatever you want, but gimme those babies".

If someone sent me that, it would be a big fat NO.

*Wow, that basically reads as "Do whatever you want, but gimme those babies".

If someone sent me that, it would be a big fat NO.*

And Panda accepts it might be No agnurse, that is clear in her post! And yes, she is saying "do what you want" because she has decided to take responsibility for her own wellbeing and is allowing her daughter to do the same! She is accepting that her daughter may decide that she cant see her grandchildren but is no longer willing to ignore her own wellbeing to stop that happening. She has handed responsibility to her daughter as an adult but has also made choices for herself, as an adult!!