"My parents did their best" - Really, even though it was emotionally and physically abusive?

The need to know who we are, about our origins remains alive in most of us, including those of us who were adopted or grew up in long term foster care. This is increasingly recognised in the way some level of indirect or direct contact is maintained with birth families.
Many children seek out their birth families when they reach an age to do so, or when life events nudge them to do so. The outcome varies of course.
I don't think you're absolutely right to say 'even a bad parent is a good parent to a child' urmstongran. Its unusual though for children placed outside of their birth family not to want some contact or to know about them.

I was talking about myself. There is the rough and tumble of family life and there is something far more sinister and damaging. I do think though, life has moved on and what was once seen as acceptable has changed. Hopefully, there are more opportunities for children to speak out.

Greymar I agree with all you say in your last post

Greymar

I hope so too.
But in some cases children aren’t abused, nor particularly ill treated, it’s more a constant feeling of being disapproved of, disliked even.

I would never ever suggest that my upbringing was a fraction as awful as an abused child, but coldness, a feeling of being disgusting in some way, every effort to gain some approval was classed as showing off, this doesn’t make for a happy childhood. I think looking back, that some of our neighbors were aware of how things were, which led to little acts of kindness, which I remember still, and am grateful for.

My father certainly didn't do his best. He was a drunken, violent, abusive, selfish man. I can never understand why my siblings and me looked after him in later years.

Oh Katy, because you’re a better person than him I suppose.

I suppose it's the old 'blood's thicker than water thing' whatever that means.

Thanks Madgran, sometimes things come out in a jumble here don't they?

So sorry Katy.

Thank you Graymar I have mentioned my childhood many times on here and have learned that I am certainly not the only one. I am not looking for sympathy (just commenting) but appreciate your kindness.

M0nica, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure ..
The idea of a happy, functional family is a fragile veneer- A conclusion that easily fractures, therfore, worth some measure of reassessment, which doesn't involve outlawing families altogether ..

Taking any form of abuse out of the equation, I wonder if there would be fewer cases of estrangement if some AC accepted that their parents did their best. That looking back on their childhood, it may not have been all they'd wanted it to be, or what they felt they deserved but if "the idea of a happy, functional family is (indeed) a fragile veneer", to estrange their parents because their's wasn't 'perfect' is neither reasonable nor fair.

Katy

Same as you, I don’t want any sympathy, I’m well over it, and free from my mother.

But it’s interesting to hear other people’s experiences, and sometimes good to make me realise that I may not have been happy, but I wasn’t beaten, I wasn’t abused, so it makes me count my blessings.

This is about parents who did physically or emotionally abuse their children saying that they did their best Smileless2012 I'm sure most AC do think that their parents did their best when their parents were x

Maybe I'm a bit weird Sara65 and Katy but I can't cope with sympathy at times, it makes me have feelings about it and I can't handle it x

Most perhaps Yennifer but sadly for some EP's not all.

The thread has moved away in places from the original title as often happens, so is no longer just about parents who were/are physically or emotionally abusive. There have been posts about the existence or not, of happy functional families.

I agree Sara It is interesting to hear other people's stories. I was only beaten once. I was 11 and my father beat me up. I had to stay off school until my cuts and bruises healed. I was lucky. It was only once.

Thinking that one did their best at the time, and sticking with that perception, is considerably different than one revising their prior perception to having now realized they didn't do their best and admitting it-

On the theme of, "Parents doing their 'best'." I often wonder why EP's say that at all. A reality of life is, it doesn't matter how hard you TRY, failure can always be an outcome.

My 'mom' tried to be a good parent and "did her best", unfortunately her "best" was to be a cruel and emotional child abuser.

I find it offensive that some think EAC are not smart enough or are "too emotionally immature" to understand the challenges our parents went through to raise us. I DO understand which makes her abuse that much less tolerable/acceptable now that I'm an adult.

The reason why EP's say they did their best HolyHannah is because some of them did. I can't understand why an abusive parent would say that but I do understand why a non abusive parent would.

Smileless -- Abusive parents don't think they are abusers. So a lot of "good parents", self reported, which holds zero weight because only your kids get to evaluate your parenting, say it all the time.

So whether a parent is truly abusive or not, all EP's claim that line like it invalidates any possibility that their kids could be telling the truth about their true nature IF they were abusive.

"I did my best!" is also the mantra many of our abusers hammered at us like a magic wand of, "So long as I did my best the results don't matter!" Well, my 'mom's "best" left me a suicidal mess with no self worth.

Abusive parents are like bad fire-fighters. They get dressed, show up but don't bother to unpack a hose or spray water on the fire. They just stand back as the building burns down while crying, "I tried my best!" No one but the fire-fighter believes that because the evidence shows they made no real attempt to douse the flames.

I did my best running the 100 meters and still came last, it just feels like a bit of a cop out to say "I did my best" like I'm still owed a prize instead of "I'm not a very fast runner" x

Basically as HolyHannah says, others might equate someone else's best to their best when actually "I did my best" isn't a measure at all and it creates an illusion x

“Only your kids get to evaluate your parenting”. EP say all the time “I did my best”.
It’s clear that in some, maybe the majority of estrangement situations EP claim to have either been good or have done their best. It isn’t so in every situation. For complex reasons, estrangement can happen where an adult child, or their parent decides the relationship isn’t working for them.
I’m not entirely sure it’s accurate or fair, to say “only your children get to evaluate your parenting.

Anyone can say’ I did my best’ mostly I guess it’s true, I suppose most parents do what they think is right at the time.

But then there are the serious abusers, people like Katy’s dad, who beat her. Surely to God, they can’t kid themselves that they did their best.

I realise that abusers don't think or acknowledge they're abusers HolyHannah.

"So whether a parent is truly abusive or not, all EP's claim that line like it invalidates any possibility that their kids could be telling the truth about their true nature IF they were abusive".

It is certainly not my intention to invalidate your experience or the experience of any EAC who was abused when I say that not all EP's are abusers; I say it as a non abusive EP.