"My parents did their best" - Really, even though it was emotionally and physically abusive?

Helpful!

Well yes but then again they're responses to use when trying go diffuse an argument or manage a disagreement.

I'm sure we've all said very similar if not the same but not necessarily to someone trying to gaslight.

Yennifer Helpful ways to go VLC.

It has taken me until I'm 63 to admit that I loathe my father. He is a selfish and nasty bully. I spent my childhood/teenage years either hating him or being terrified of him. Even now it does not take much for him to become abusive towards me. I find I am now being two faced with him so as not to rock the boat for my mother.

Useful for responding to a gas lighter. Useful for responding in other situations too.

...sorry last post was in response to Yennifers ?

I'm not sure why that needed saying Smileless2012 and Madgran77, but you guys do you x

It wasnt meant unkindly Yennifer ! I just wanted to highlight that those statements are useful to use in various situations as well as gaslughting. Such statements are useful to have at ones fingertips aren't they, with various people one might come into contact with.

I feel like my comment has annoyed you but that was not my intention atall

Well I think it's important to accept that there's a difference between gas lighting and being disagreed with Yennifer.

Being disagreed with isn't the same as being gas lighted. I've used those responses in some form or another over the years, when I've wanted to diffuse an argument and/or avoid what I considered to be unnecessary confrontation.

Yangste I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be to be confronted with your father and not respond/react the way you want too in order "not to rock the boat" for your mum.

People who are being gaslighted do not know it is happening until the moment they know. Then they KNOW. If your abuser is disagreeing with you about your own memory or experience then it isn't just a disagreement. These statements can be used to shut down disagreements too of course which is wonderful but they are powerful tools for abuse victims who are fighting for their reality and important in situations like Norah was mentioning where No Contact is not an option for whatever reason. Gaslighting ranges from small and subtle to massive and sanity destroying and given the nature of this post deserves taking very seriously x

In fact I am not sure all 5 would work with general disagreements anyway x

I had a loving and indulent mother but my father was too keen to hit me for anything . He had his own problems as he was not a young dad but when I heard my half brother ( grown up before I was born ) say that his father had never laid a finger on him it made me so unhappy. I was a quiet meek little girl who did not deserve such treatment and worst of all why did my mother let him do it . If my mother was out and I asked when she was coming home he would say that I would not miss him if he was the one who was out.
He died before I reached senior school and I never missed him one bit and sadly do not have one happy memory of him .

I've found that they do work with general disagreements and saying so isn't in anyway not taking their defence against an abuser seriously.

It must have been terrible to know that your father who didn't hold back from hitting you, didn't behave that way toward your brother Floradora. I'm not surprised that made you unhappy and left you wondering why on earth he was that way with you.

To not have one happy memory of your father is terribly sad.

I'm so sorry Floradora9. You didn't deserve that and I'm sorry your mum didn't protect you. I have read a lot about enabler parents recently and it said that they are usually so lacking in self esteem that they think the abusive person is the best they can do. Sometimes they were ignored or neglected by their own parents. Sometimes they let their partners abuse others because they just feel relieved it's not happening to them. I hope you can find peace x

I respect what you are saying Smileless2012 but I felt your comments detracted from their importance in the context of this post and gaslighting (not to be confused with disagreements) as a topic. I think we should leave it there x x

That's fine Yennifer

I've been thinking about this lately and when abusive parents say they did their best. Because I saw my mother doing her "best". When we were on holiday or when we were visiting or on a trip out I had an amazing mum. Loving and cuddly and smiling. I'd be different too because I'd feel happy. We'd always get home and I'd get screamed at for something I did wrong or how I'd embarrassed her. Back to not her best. Nice clothes put away and back in clothes that didn't fit or were full of holes. Back to being told to go away and stop ruining their evenings. I remember knowing if the camera came out it would be a good day. I'd have settled for something in between best and worst but it was always 2 extremes x

Taking a step back, isn't it the case that parents are the product of their own childhood? Being brought up homes where alcohol was a feature and in poverty is not likely to give children a good start, which is then passed on. Life was hard for many so compassion rare. Another common experience was the early loss of a mother, especially with the dangers of childbirth. I think we question our childhood now because we are better educated and have much more than our parents. I think that education is the only way to break the cycle.

Daisymae

Im not certain if that’s always the case, although you’d think it would be.

My grandparents were kind people, almost the only affection we ever had would have been from my gran, and yet my mum, her only daughter is a cold unkind woman.

They spent all their time together, she was always at our house, and she looked after us a lot. I sometimes wonder what she thought about it all.

Oh, how my heart aches to hear the painful stories here! Flora, how hurtful to know your half-brother was treated differently. If it's any comfort now, t's not unusual for an abusive parent to aim the abuse at one particular child ("scapegoat"), But I know it must have increased the hurt back then, and I'm so sorry.

Yangste, is there any way you can see your mun w/o your dad being present? I don't see why you should still have to subject yourself to him.

Yennifer, love those responses! So much better than getting into a major row about who remembers correctly or beginning to doubt one's own memory unfairly. I've come across a gaslighter, now and then, in my life, and these replies would have saved a lot of headaches. For someone who has to deal w/ this often/constantly, I imagine it would help to save their sense of sanity and self-worth.