The "abuse cycle" and other things/themes that EAC identify with.

The 12 Dysfunctional Rules of the Narcissistic Family

Do these sound familiar?

1. Acceptance Is Conditional

To gain acceptance, children must comply with the family narrative and value system. Expressions of difference are rejected and pathologized.

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2. Submission Is Required

Everyone is expected to submit to the dominant narcissist’s authority, no matter how ignorant, arbitrary, cruel, or destructive it is.

3. Someone Must Be Blamed for Problems

When something bad happens, from a lost job to a spilled glass of milk, someone must be blamed for it. Typically there is a family scapegoat who is made to bear the main burden of the family’s problems, frustration, and unhappiness, as well as the dominant narcissist’s projected self-loathing.

4. Vulnerability Is Dangerous

Mistakes, accidents, and weaknesses, even ones you take responsibility for, are cause for shaming treatment that can persist for years.

5. You Must Take Sides

Just as there is always blame and shame, there are always sides, and if you are not on the dominant narcissist’s side you are wrong. Children often feel forced to choose between parents, siblings, and other family members.

6. There Is Never Enough Love and Respect to Go Around

Renewable resources in healthy families, love and respect are limited to the narcissist and whomever else is deemed worthy, usually a favored "golden" child. Respect for one person means disrespect for another.

7. Feelings Are Wrong

The feelings that make us human, help us connect and get our needs met, and protect us from harm are selfish and must be repressed. Only the narcissist has free rein to express feelings, have emotional reactions, and make demands.

8. Competition, Not Cooperation, Rules the Day

One-upmanship, favoritism, and constant comparison create a harshly competitive environment that undermines trust and breeds hostility and betrayal.

9. Appearances Are More Important Than Substance

Even if everyone is suffering, they must smile for the family photo.

10. Rage Is Normalized

Everyone is expected to swallow and endure the dominant narcissist’s irrational, explosive, and perhaps also violent rage. This may be magnified by other forms of mental illness and/or addiction.

11. Denial Is Rampant

To sustain the dominant narcissist’s control over the family, there is denial of:

abusive incidents;
the continual atmosphere of fear;
the ongoing mistreatment of the scapegoat; and
routine forms of neglect.

12. There Is No Safety

Although the scapegoat is targeted with the most abuse, everyone is on hyperalert because no one is safe from blame and rage.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/202003/the-12-dysfunctional-rules-the-narcissistic-family

rosecarmel -- Let me try to reply to each and ouch. That list is triggering...

1. -- In my 'family' my 'mom' would say, "Don't do what others' do/tell/want you to do. That makes You a sheep." Also my 'mom' -- "If you don't act like 'everyone else'/act "differently", no one will 'like' You." So yes. Not only was acceptance "conditional" it was also every changing.

2. -- "YOU are 'lesser'... Know your 'place'."

3. Someone Must Be Blamed for Problems -- That needed repeating... Abused children become hyper-vigilant and add my Autism to 'the mix'? I had "skills". Unfortunately those 'skills' added to my Scapegoat abuse.

For example -- If the house-hold vehicles broke down/got damaged etc. it created a lot of anger/chaos in the home. So I learned at a young age about cars/how they ran/what sounded okay and what sounded 'wrong' so I could "help" the car to not "stop working" that made the 'adults' so angry. So when I would hear the car making those "bad noises" I would point them out/say, "I hear 'that part' starting to fail again..."

Was this skill liked/accepted from the 'adults'? Nope. The car was broken and because I was the first to notice/see the car was breaking/broken it went like this... Denial -- "Well, I don't hear that..." Me (internally) -- "Well, 'that noise' usually gets louder the closer it gets to fail sooo..." out-loud, "You will soon..."

Now I'm being a 'smart-ass' and get "in trouble". Car breaks down... Now I'm in triple trouble. I pointed out the potential failure that was coming and was correct. Parent(s) denying what I 'heard' because they did not made them WRONG.

Where is all the anger aimed at? ME.

What makes it sadder still is the lack of mature adult thinking that vehicles require maintenance and DO break down... That doesn't mean there is someone/another human to blame and if there IS? Is it Me, the minor child or them who had the power to take the car to a mechanic after I had told THEM "The car is breaking again..."

The moral of that story is, the more the Scapegoat does/learns to help/improve the situations that cause the anger/rage etc. from the 'parent', the more anger and rage projected back at the Scapegoat.

How dare I hear the car breaking before THEM... How dare I be right when the car fails and THEY didn't "listen" to ME...

4. -- "Mistakes, accidents, and weaknesses, even ones you take responsibility for, are cause for shaming treatment that can persist for years." -- This is a lot true. It is also why abusers cling to "I didn't do anything to deserve estrangement."

Abusers (from my experiences/perspective) were also abused themselves. That 'part' of them I DO empathize with/understand. Admitting you are "wrong" to another adult is making yourself vulnerable and difficult... It should be easy to admit to a child that You are/were "wrong" because innocent children love unconditionally (even when abused) and will forgive/continue to give love.

5. -- "You Must Take Sides" -- You are either an enabler or a victim to a Narcissistic abuser... For those that refuse to "take sides" or refuse to support the abuser? You are just as 'bad' as the Scapegoat...

6. -- "Renewable resources in healthy families, love and respect are limited to the narcissist and whomever else is deemed worthy, usually a favored "golden" child. Respect for one person means disrespect for another." -- The idea that every 'family member' deserves equal treatment in the way of basic common decency/respect does not exist in dysfunctional families.

7. -- "Only the narcissist has free rein to express feelings, have emotional reactions, and make demands." -- This is especially true where negative emotions are concerned... Abusers can get/be angry. THEY can react to what they perceive as insults etc. If their victim gives even a half-dose of how they (the abuser) would react to the same situation? "See! See!!! YOU are 'just like ME'!"

8. -- "Competition, Not Cooperation, Rules the Day" -- I must be really mentally ill because I have always tried to build/'fix' competition. I wanted a family/team/community/belonging... Not a competition. Abusers seem to want to make their victim-hood greater then those they victimize especially when comparing 'it' to a true "lesser" victim. Adult to adult abuse is 'bad' and IS damaging. Comparing that to the abuse a parent can inflict on a minor child? It's not even close.

9. -- "Even if everyone is suffering, they must smile for the family photo." -- Do not get Me or any other child abuse victim started on those happy 'family' pictures.

issendai.com/wp/estrangement/happy-face-happy-heart/

10/11/12 -- Every part true.

People think we sit and armchair diagnose our parents... That we read an article like that, decide it is the issue and bam. Bye parent.

Could not be further from the truth.

We spend lifetimes just not understanding:

Why if I say something "wrong" am I punished for a great deal of time but if they say something wrong I'm just sensitive or it was a joke or they didn't even say it?

Why do they treat x completely differently to me?

Why am I suffering mental health issues when my family say everything is great and wonderful?

Why am I so unhappy around these people but have good relationships elsewhere?

Why are they ruining or ignoring my special events?

Why don't I feel loved and wanted?

I could go on forever but this type of article doesn't push us into thinking it is true, it just gives a name to all the problems we were already aware of.

Your link Holyhannah is just devastating. I've never understood the photo proof that gets shown of "wonderful childhoods". Of course children smile and are happy when they get a break from abuse or of course they smile when the person they are terrified of tells them too. Inside they must be thinking/hoping that perhaps today it stops, perhaps they really do want me to smile. Perhaps if I am happy they will be happy. These are my parents, they must love me, I love them.

I've been sent many "happy" family photos as if I don't remember what came before or after.

I am one of the lucky ones, these children deserved so much better and I can't believe we live in a world where parents are out there physically, sexually and emotionally abusing little children and getting away with it because no one seems to notice until its too late. Their lives have been taken, they have taken their own lives they have become what happened to them or trying to heal like the rest of us, traumatised but not believed and told to "get over it".

Imagine being that smug person not believing another adults story of abuse, laughing at it, invalidating them, trying to somehow prove them bad because... Who knows really, maybe they have been accused of abuse and cannot accept it.

That is not a good person.

If I didn't have the tools from healing to enable me to spot those not good people much quicker than I could have growing up in it, imagine the awful harm they could do. Imagine the harm they do to other victims of abuse, uncaring because they believe there are "sides" and we are some sort of enemy available to scapegoat and use as an emotional punchbag.

"ouch."

It hurts to read- But at the same time encourages and reaffirms- And not in a stubborn, dig in your heels unhealthy way- More like an assertive reminder that you're already standing on your own two feet and need to just keep walking away-

Sometimes maybe the further you get from the truth, the better-

That's a good point rosecarmel

No abuse victim should have to carry the truth around like some sort of sheild.

The truth is behind us and should be allowed to remain so.

Imagine being that smug person not believing another adults story of abuse, laughing at it, invalidating them, trying to somehow make them look bad because ....

I can't imagine anyone doing that to someone talking about their experience of child hood abuse but have seen it in other cases, where EP's are sharing their experiences for example.

As for Who knows really, maybe they have been accused of abuse and cannot accept it. Yes, who knows; who knows if they have been falsely accused of abuse so are sadly cynical when they hear about it.

.....an assertive reminder that you're already standing on your own two feet and need to just keep walking away and
*Sometimes maybe the further you get from the truth, the better*; I like those rosecarmel.

I actually think in general rosecarmel that, I don't have to carry that shield to be protected, I don't have to make what others say about me when it isn't. I don't have to be combatative or defensive.

I want to be a healthy thinker and to do that I can't be egocentric.

It's a lesson I've learned being in a dynamic I have never seen or experienced before. Thank you.

I do think there are occasions when it's better to be combative rather than leave for example an injustice unchallenged, and for me the same applies when it comes to defensiveness, either for ones self or for someone unable to defend themselves.

Genuine smiles aren't dependent upon facts but feelings -- that are fleeting-

Facebook/Instagram are saturated with "happiness"-

People have commented on photographs of me that captured moments of contentment- Yet their impression of my expression was seen as "not happy"-

The abused children in those photos could have been happy in that moment- Hopeful- Because they didn't know they were being coerced into making an appearance but believed for precious few seconds that they belonged to a loving, nuclear unit- Convinced by their parent and in the Butler case also the court that awarded custody to a proven sick individual-

Starblaze -- I love when I say something and am not believed. A different person (someone who is not disliked) can say the exact same thing I did and now it's intelligent/right etc. I would look at my 'mom' and say, "But that's exactly what I said..." Then you get the snotty giggle like, "Yes. I know BUT because you said 'it', it is wrong. If it had come from a good/smart person (someone not you), that's 'different'."

Even when I was right/correct I was still 'wrong'. How can you build a positive relationship with a person that fundamentally has contempt and scorn for everything you say/do/your very existence.

I guess it's why I would like a little true honesty from my own 'mom'. It would be nice to hear the truth... "I don't like you. I never liked you/let alone loved you and it doesn't matter what you do... You'll never be good enough." It would let Us both off the hook. I could stop trying/hoping for the situation to improve and I could feel like it wasn't something I did to make her treat me the way she did.

If a parent doesn't like/love their own child, that's an adult problem. Taking it out on a minor child? Definitely not the child's problem/fault...

Possibly but that actually doesn't apply to anything I have said today at all.

Ive just seen how my words were used out of the context of the discussion that was being had at the time.

Context matters and it's a shame to join a discussion and just pick out bits that could be pulled up and argued against instead of looking at the wider picture and showing support/understanding.

The children in the article Holyhannah posted lost their lives to abuse.

That's not how I want to communicate so I tend to just not engage now rather than pointlessly explaining the truth which exists regardless of my best efforts to display it.

Sorry there are now 2 comments between mine and the one I was responding to

Holyhannah I completely understand. Ive seen that so often with my mum, even to the point that she, in discussion with me would say I was wrong but in discussion with someone else would say exactly what I said verbatim. I can laugh at it now

My mother admitted that she didn't like me- An admittance that could have led to a healthy, transparent discussion but didn't- I stood there and "took it"- And that was that -- at the time ..

Years later she attempted reparations- But it didn't pan out- She couldn't hold herself accountable for not raising me, for giving birth to me and then just letting me be feral because her other children came first-

Being feral had it's perks ..

Yes, the Butler case awful as they all are. I wonder who came up with the saying 'the camera never lies' when we all know that it can and does.

I didn't see anything in the article posted about children who lost their lives to abuse, that referred too adults accounts of their abuse being laughed at, invalidated and people trying to make them look bad.

I referred specifically to what you posted Starblaze so if your comment about your words being taken out of context is to me, I don't see how it applies.

Starblaze -- What's truly shocking is the, "You are wrong even when you are correct" mentality. When I would high-light that dynamic, my 'mom' was great with popping off the old, "Even a stopped clock is 'right' twice a day!" platitude.

My reply, "I must be a broken 'stopped clock' because it's still right two times more a day then Me!"

I can laugh at it now as well... It's just a sad laugh.

Nothing about any of what I said has to apply for you Smileless

My life experiences/what I see and hear are obstacles for child abuse victims are what they are. I do not have to prove or justify anything that happens anywhere because it is the truth.

I fail to see how you are able to apply what I say to either gransnet or yourself when gransnet is only a platform to talk on, not the pinnacle of all life and existence.

In the interest of not wanting to be forced to defend myself, perhaps you could look at the bigger picture because it isn't helpful or productive for anyone and I value my spare time too much to constantly spend it clarifying meaning when that generally isn't accepted anyway.

If you can do that, perhaps we can ommunicate in a more positive way in future...

Smileless2012

I do think there are occasions when it's better to be combative rather than leave for example an injustice unchallenged, and for me the same applies when it comes to defensiveness, either for ones self or for someone unable to defend themselves.

I personally find the presenting of views that challenge the ones I present a form of support- They don't need to be combative, defensive or confrontational in "tone" to draw attention to them to be considered-

Consideration can take ages in some cases, take longer than pickles to ferment and in extreme cases thousand year eggs-

rosecarmel -- "She couldn't hold herself accountable for not raising me" -- I think that's a common theme with abusers in the sense of regardless of where you 'fall' in the the family pecking order, abusers don't really "raise" any of their children.

When a home is "survival of the fittest" mentality, certain 'players' just have more leverage/'support'. Husband (middle child) was the Scapegoat. His younger brother was the Golden and his older brother the 'forgotten' child who only got positive attention when he was 'protecting' the Golden.

It's like some weird family circus and when you walk away from it, THEY think/believe you are 'running away' TO "the circus". Because who would walk away from such wonderful and loving people?

When I estranged there was effort on 2 fronts. To tell me that people around me were unhealthy and to tell people around me I was unhealthy.

No one believed/took any notice.

Healthy thinkers must look like aliens to unhealthy thinkers but thankfully the reverse is also true lol

Well to clarify Starblaze if your post referring to your words being taken out of context and not applying to the discussion being had at the time, was not directed to me, then please say so.

This is the problem with posts that are at times ambiguous, one cannot be certain who they are being applied too.

There is nothing in my post, or any of my posts for that matter, that even suggests your need to prove or justify anything about your experiences.

This is an open forum for discussion. Discussion often results in different opinions and points of view being aired, and contributors often being asked for clarification of what they have said, which is not the same thing as asking for proof or justification of their personal experiences.

For me it depends on the situation rosecarmel as I said in my post. It isn't always being combative and/or defensive of ourselves, but sometimes for others.

Smileless we were talking, you weren't here. Nothing was a thought in my mind except the subject and the people I was talking to at that time.

You appeared and pulled up my words unnecessarily as related to you or gransnet preps here which I feel is a recurring issue.

You can either address that you do that within yourself or not but it's not actually my problem.

Your perception is your perception but it's up to you to look at your perceptions and address any defensiveness or combatitiveness on your part. For my part as I contributed ge rally to discussion earlier, I want to leave that behind me.

Or EPs here not preps