What EP's need to hear from a fellow Estranged Parent.

Smileless, would you mind taking the time to separate out what you identified as advice and what you identified as critisim?

Or at least point out what was said that wasn't helpful-

ananimous -- Clearly some need to reread the article. She is saying all the things NOT to do and yet it is being demonstrated again. Stop defending yourself, get honest, stop justifying, it's not your child's 'job' to make you happy and stop playing the victim. If EP's can't/won't stop doing those things, then you are right, Bottom line: If you are estranged from your child it is because you are unreasonable.

In recovery I learned that you can either get used to tip-toeing through an abusers 'emotional minefield' or you can find a clear path but until there is acknowledgment of the 'mines' in the field they can't be 'swept clean'. Abusers don't 'see' the mines even when they are the ones laying them.

I'll separate out what I've identified as criticism and unhelpful rosecarmel.

In response specifically to Lavazza1st. Eating disorders are due to a dysfunctional upbringing. This is not always the case as Madgran's links illustrated.

The L hasn't acknowledged damage done to her son due to his early childhood, when she has.

She seems to be more concerned with her own pain than her son's.

That she exposed her children to a dysfunctional environment and no acknowledgement apart from mine, that she left their abusive father.

"To enter into an abusive relationship you must yourself be dysfunctional"

Accusing EP's of giving other EP's "rubbish advice".

"If you are estranged from your children it's because you are unreasonable".

What I have listed is not what EP's need to hear from other EP's or anyone else for that matter.

Smileless -- One of the reasons for eating disorders is early childhood trauma. lavazza1st admitted that the child was exposed to a dysfunctional environment/trauma. The child developed an eating disorder. And you don't see that as the cause?

To 'comfort' lavazza1st you want to say the eating disorder happened in a vacuum and the abuse might not have caused it? This might be what some call "rubbish advice". I certainly believe trying to 'write off' a severe psychological condition in an 11 year old as 'maybe not her fault' is not "help".

It is not my intent to shame anyone, but to simply offer what I have learned to see if it will help you, too. It is painful to see the truth about ourselves, and if you are not in a place that this is possible, or you feel that this article is not for you, you have my blessing to stop reading.

The author nailed it...

I didn't say it "wasn't" the cause or that abuse may not have caused it, and no one has written off a severe psychological condition. You don't take on board what others post HolyHannah because you're too focused on your own point of view and seem unable or unwilling to accept that not all EP's are the villains you portray them as being.

"It is not my intent to shame anyone". Maybe you should re evaluate some of your responses and consider the words you have quoted from the OP.

In recovery I learned that you can either get used to tip-toeing through an abusers 'emotional minefield' or you can find a clear path but until there is acknowledgment of the 'mines' in the field they can't be 'swept clean'. Abusers don't 'see' the mines even when they are the ones laying them.

What she said.

...And sorry for my "mines" - we've all had our wars.

Life is very short....and some of our children are also choosing to miss out on precious time with their parents, it works BOTH ways.

And I had absolutely no idea why, and no way of asking her.

You should add...
But if someone tries to explain I shall attack them, too.

Gossip from flying monkeys about your child does not equate to asking your AC what happened. But shows the level of bond between the EP and AC - healthy parents do not go on hearsay that conveniently fits the bitter narrative - the AC has probably endured much of this hostility already, and voted, finally, with their feet. Bravo to them.

Are you just quoting from a book?

"Gossip from flying monkeys" oh the irony.

Yes Bridie it does work both ways.

The only person calling EP's "villains" is you Smileless. If I see a duck I refuse to call it a goose to make it feel better because it wants to be a goose. It's still a duck. If I see a goose quacking I'm likely to ask what's going on. If the goose says, "I'm a duck." I'm going to 'break the news' to the goose. Now if the duck is happily quacking and the goose is honking then that is 'normal'.

Recovery teaches you to see all the waterfowl for what it is and not what it wants to be/is pretending to be.

Can you not just post a response in plain speak without all the jargon, we aren't stupid and are quite capable of reading any book on the subject we choose.

Not when I keep getting a mean girl response to all my posts, pointless

I cannot help you if you are struggling to use google

Think you have over stated your points now .

Don't insult my intelligence either

Playing tit for tat with your own child's love never usually ends well.

The facts are the facts.

Love is unconditional in a healthy family.

Don't be so eager to shoot the messenger.

You don't sound very healthy to me...from the messenger

Bridie22

Love is unconditional in a healthy family.

If you stop making nasty attacks on me you would see how you are acting the way you were treated in childhood, somebody did it to you. Stop the cycle.

It will only make you angry, I shall not partake.

No they didn't, and I'm not attacking you, just debating. But I really do not want to be drawn into your mind games so bye.

and I have no wish to jeopardise their relationship with their mum. I can be found if my grandchildren wish to find me.

Such grandiose projection onto the GC! No wonder the EC fled to a better life. Utter denial of course...

“Kill me,” said the poor bird; and he bent his head down to the surface of the water, and awaited death.

But what did he see in the clear stream below? His own image; no longer a dark, gray bird, ugly and disagreeable to look at, but a graceful and beautiful swan. To be born in a duck’s nest, in a farmyard, is of no consequence to a bird, if it is hatched from a swan’s egg. He now felt glad at having suffered sorrow and trouble, because it enabled him to enjoy so much better all the pleasure and happiness around him; for the great swans swam round the new-comer, and stroked his neck with their beaks, as a welcome.
Into the garden presently came some little children, and threw bread and cake into the water.

“See,” cried the youngest, “there is a new one;” and the rest were delighted, and ran to their father and mother, dancing and clapping their hands, and shouting joyously, “There is another swan come; a new one has arrived.”

Then they threw more bread and cake into the water, and said, “The new one is the most beautiful of all; he is so young and pretty.” And the old swans bowed their heads before him.

Then he felt quite ashamed, and hid his head under his wing; for he did not know what to do, he was so happy, and yet not at all proud. He had been persecuted and despised for his ugliness, and now he heard them say he was the most beautiful of all the birds. Even the elder-tree bent down its bows into the water before him, and the sun shone warm and bright. Then he rustled his feathers, curved his slender neck, and cried joyfully, from the depths of his heart, “I never dreamed of such happiness as this, while I was an ugly duckling.”