SUPPORT for all living with the pain of estrangement

Oh dear 3nanny - that sounds like an exhausting call.
Hope you're ok namsnanny
Thinking of you all.

Really sorry for everyone having a bad time. I've been under a bit of an onslaught of awful events too lately, unrelated to estrangement so I won't bore you with them. Feeling stronger and brighter again. I hope things get easier soon

hugshelp .

One step at a time for now, hugshelp all thanks to your support.

Madgran77 ... thankyou for thinking about my situation.
It means so much at the moment

Smileless ... your calm reassurance and framing of the situation gives food for thought when the tears stop.
Thank you so much for countering my negativity.

I feel a bit better today even though I had a tossing and turning night and sleep came in fits and starts. I think the fact I told my daughter I was not prepared to take her constant put down of me and wanted to be treated better was something I should have said to her weeks ago.
My support to her is always accepted the implications of that support are mostly financial transactions !!! and I take the children out with me something else that also comes with it's cost.
It is not spending money that directly is the problem it is the attitude and ungrateful response that makes it feel like a slap in the face.
I have given it some thought and was thinking I could write
her a short note saying I still want to help but making it clear to her that there must be boundaries in place and any nastiness or aggression directed towards me will see an end to my availability to her, I expect that will go down like a lead balloon but I have reached an end of tip-toeing around on egg shells when I see her.
Still have Nammsnanny in my thoughts and hope she is feeling better.

You're so welcome Namsnanny it's good to see your post.

I think that's an excellent idea 3nanny it's time you laid out some boundaries of your own then it will be up to her whether or not she's prepared to risk you not being as available as you always have been, if she fails to respect them.

I think it's great that you've come to this decision because you need to thinking about your own well being.

3nanny6 I feel as if too much disfunction has crept in over the years and it has closed the door to all good comunication
This resonated with me. I suppose we will all be faced with a choice at some point.

It's a conundrum. Because we only have a choice if there is contact.

I think staying in contact is a positive thing generally, as it means both parties can grow a new relationship.
If course that's the rosy view. Rarely does it happen I suppose.
You have carried your daughter's problems for a long time.
She doesnt seem able to move from her view of you as punch bag and/or money tree!
Whatever you choose to do, think of yourself first.
Even though that is hard when gc are involved isnt it?
If you can see a happy future for yourself without contact it's worth considering imv.

From my perspective, my situation is impacted by other difficulties, which take my energy.
I'm still hoping for a successful out come with my AC.
Although as we all know contact from me could be seen as an emotional tug to benefit me, as AC told me they didn't want to see me.
So overwrought was the situation, I cant remember if it was said 'until AC decides to contact' or plain no contact.

I have lost all need to engage in any peripheral activities bar reading or writing on here.
I find little enjoyment anywhere now.
This is a recent change. I have booked a telephone call to discuss this with the dr. But as we know c19 has changed how everything works.

Sorry I'm rambling on now. I just wanted you all to know I'm trying my best to move on to a more positive position.
It's just like swimming through treacle though!
I hope you all have peaceful productive days.
You have all help tremendously. I hope I can repay the favour some day.
X

Just read your post 13.10 3nanny6 thanks for your good wishes and best of luck with the planned letter

Good to read your post too smileless a love line

Life line

I'm glad you've booked a telephone call with your GP I hope you find it helpful.

I can't imagine how anyone could possibly regard contact from you as an emotional tug with you as the sole beneficiary as there are GC who love and no doubt miss their GM to consider.

You already have repaid the favour having given friendship and support for us all on this thread.

It would be great if and when you feel able to do so, you could let us know how you get on with your GP.

x

I've been under a bit of an onslaught of awful events too lately, unrelated to estrangement so I won't bore you with them.

Been meaning to ask Starblaze, how is your son with his broken arm ...or was it wrist? Can't be fun with a plaster on in this hot weather ...I remember it well when I broke my wrist a few years ago! Spent my time trying to scratch annoying itches with a knitting needle! ?

I remember when DS broke a bone in his foot falling out of a tree while collecting conkers Madgran.

The little bugger had to have it re plastered twice because he wouldn't do as he was told; some things never change.

Yes I will smileless it seems if i want to talk to my normal gp i shall have to wait until next week sometime.

granniesunite ... I just wanted to add my thanks for your concern about my situation.

friendlyghost Thankyou

Hello to all of you, i read this thread every day as it gives me hope, thanks to all of you on here for that, i deleted some of my previous posts as i thought they were too outing, will be nearly a year now that our daughter went no contact with my husband and myself.
Missing our little grandson like crazy, though was sent a pic of him on my other daughter's phone, i sit and cry a lot on my own,
my husband has an incurable illness, and refuses to talk about her now, i know it's because he finds it too painful, especially as they were very close till she met her husband our son in law.
I was very close to my daughter too before she met her husband, but gradually she withdrew from us more and more, i don't know how this can ever be fixed the longer it continues, we sent her a present on her birthday, and then she sent us a message on her sister's phone thanking us like nothing was wrong, but we are still cut off, and not allowed to see our grandson.
I feel there's a lot of control going on with her husband, he hardly spoke to us at all the few times we saw him, kept looking at his phone when they last visited, i assumed he was just shy, but she has changed beyond all recognition, I've sent clothes and presents for my grandson, and have received pics of him wearing them from my other daughter, she is upset to be caught in the middle of it all but doesn't see her sister either as she said last time she visited them he hardly spoke to her and she felt uncomfortable.
I am very worried about my daughter as she told me she had post natal depression but then cut us off , her dad is quite ill now but she has never asked how he is, i have never felt so much hurt inside, it is helping me now to write it down, i have been to see my doctor as i couldn't sleep, how do you get through the days? all i do is think of her and my grandson, sorry fo rambling on

Goodness, this thread has moved on so quickly during the last couple of days!

Namsnanny - I am so sorry for your pain. You are in my thoughts and I am sending big hugs and positive vibes to you. Everything changes, nothing stays the same, so here's hoping and believing that things will change for the better. Just try to detach a little and take care of yourself - easier said than done, I know!

Muffin - are you me? My heart goes out to you. I have been there and I empathise with so much of what you say. It is so, so desperately painful isn't it? But nothing is forever and you need to play a long game. If you and your daughter were close before, I firmly believe that she must miss you and that she will be back into your life. She is an adult now and you cannot live her life for her; she has to chart her own course, for better or worse. You just need to hang onto that unconditional love, be strong, don't let it be tarnished, and be there for her when she needs you.

Hello Muffin it's been a while and it's so good to see you hear again only I wish things had improved for you and your DH.

It certainly looks as if your s.i.l. has coercive control over your D. I say this because she messaged you using her sister's 'phone to thank you for her birthday present.

It's a positive that the clothes and presents you send your GS are being received and put to use; this again reinforces IMO the fact that she's being controlled by her H.

I can understand how worried you must be about your D and how difficult an heartbreaking it must be with your H's incurable illness for her to never enquire after him.

No wonder he can no longer bring himself to talk about her.

I'm glad you've found writing these things down has helped, so please do so whenever you need too.

Take care

Thinking of you all and thank-you for the messages I have had.

Tiredness seems to have caught up with me after such a sleepless night and I spent some time writing a message however I pressed the preview message button and was then going to write a short message and the first one disappeared
so I need to call it a day and maybe take an early night.

So pleased you have arranged an appointment with the doctor Namsnanny even with the covid 19 they are still available. I went a few days ago as I was not feeling so good.
There was nobody much in there and the doctor had on mask, apron and gloves and got me to put plenty of sanitizer on my hands. It was all surreal and felt like I was in A@E.
All take care.

A not sounds like a good idea 3nanny - gives you the chance to calmly collect your thoughts and say exactly what you need.

Oh dear Namsnanny that sounds awful, I do hope your dr can help you through this.

If you're struggling star having a good moan might help, it doesn't all have to be about estrangement, but I'm not prying so hoping things look up for you soon if you don't want to chat about it here.

Oh dear Muffin, so many difficult things to deal with. Life can be so painful sometimes, my heart goes out to you.

Thinking of you too PF with your ongoing struggles. x

I see you being a rock for everyone, as usual, smiles

Hope you're feeling better soon 3nanny.

Sorry, running behind again. Slight drama this morning, DH went in the loft to try and sort out a leaking overflow pipe - he clambered up onto a wardrobe via steps to get there - and the top of the wardrobe collapsed. Luckily he was able to shuffle back into the loft unharmed but there was some fine shannigans as we worked out how to get him safely back down and rescue said wardrobe. I swear since we decided we wanted to move house it's been one disaster after another with it, not to mention a bloomin pandemic...

Anyway wishing you all a peaceful night and a better day tomorrow. x

sorry don't know what I stared saying in that first sentence, it's just meant to say I think it 's a good idea...

Oh poor Mrh hugshelp I hope he's OK and wasn't injured.

I refuse to allow Mr. S. anywhere a plumbing issue. He's brilliant at everything else but not plumbing.

Years ago in our old house we had a problem with the down stairs toilet which he was sure was a simple enough issue for him to put right.

We ended up with an additional showerso had to turn the water off!!. When the plumber came the next day he made me promise never to let him undertake any plumbing again; needless to say I never have.

You made me laugh PetitFromage which is much needed at the moment, so thanks, yes there's a lot of similarities in our predicaments with our daughters, the control, and the fact she's changed from being a very independent, ambitious young woman, her old friends are gone, now only his friends, it has been very gradual, you are so right she has to lead her own life, but hopefully we will see her again one of these days, just hope its not too late for my husband.
Thanks also Smileless, i read your posts every day and you are always so positive and kind to everyone on here even though you are going through so much pain too, and thanks also Hugshelp for your kind words much appreciated

Afternoon everyone, just popped on to say I hope you're all doing OK.

Thinking of you all. Stay strong dear friends and take care.