SUPPORT for all living with the pain of estrangement

I missed the post about one of your dogs being attacked, how is she now? It must have given her a fright.

If the farmers dog has died then it could be possible that an illness had made it behave out of character.

Before I got my dogs I used to take care of a Labradoodle while its owner went on holidays sometimes she was away for over a month. She was well trained and a pleasure to care for. On my last doggie-minding with her when out in the big country park a man was walking along the path towards us. The dog started to bark like mad at him and was straining on the lead. This was completely out of character
and I wondered what was wrong. The dog on that visit to me also had a very slight leaky bladder unusual as she was only 4 years old and had always been healthy. When the owner came back I told her about the bladder and she made an appointment for the vets. An operation was needed but when the vet was stitching the wound the area all burst open and the dog died. I think perhaps when illness is in the animal it can show in uncharacteristic behavior.

Evening all, hope you have had reasonable days.
I once read on one of the estrangement threads that estrangement is like a living grief - that sums it up for me, at least if they are dead you will eventually move to realise you will never be able to see that person again.
I don't need judging, I judge myself everyday, I don't need analysis, I analyse myself 24/7 now, I don't need more guilt tripping, I constantly feel guilty that I could have inadvertently hurt someone I love so unconditionally, that no amount of asking, texting, phoning and a open hearted letter brings any answer/reason.
So I pick up my last bit of dignity and do as I'm bid.... leave them alone, and wait and hope .

Never give up hope Bridie - I’ve been in your shoes and eventually my attempts to reconcile were accepted and many years later we’re all in a good place. A different place but one that is improving all the time.

Be kind to yourself x

Absolutely 3nanny and of course they can't tell us what's wrong can they.

You will never be judged, analysed or guilt tripped on this thread Bridie rest assured. We are here to help, support, care for and share with one another.

*I don't need judging, I judge myself everyday, I don't need analysis, I analyse myself 24/7 now, I don't need more guilt tripping, I constantly feel guilty that I could have inadvertently hurt someone I love so unconditionally, that no amount of asking, texting, phoning and a open hearted letter brings any answer/reason.
So I pick up my last bit of dignity and do as I'm bid.... leave them alone, and wait and hope*
Bridie

A beautiful morning here this morning and the sea is looking lovely, not that we'll be going anywhere near the beach as it's just too busy.

Our dogs are missing their beach exercise, especially our cockapoo who can't resist jumping in any sea weed she can find, but we're fortunate there are so many lovely places to walk, and let them off their leads.

We're looking forward to going a BBQ this afternoon with some friends from church who we haven't seen since lock down. We're not going back to church yet so it will be good to catch up with them later on.

Glad you got some joy from your grandson Bridie22 Every word in your later post resonates with me. It really is a living grief. And "I judge myself everyday, I don't need analysis, I analyse myself 24/7 now, I don't need more guilt tripping, I constantly feel guilty that I could have inadvertently hurt someone I love so unconditionally,I love so unconditionally, that no amount of asking, texting, phoning and a open hearted letter brings any answer/reason." are almost identical to words I've shared myself on here, and it is still my situation. I too gave up, and wait, and hope.

Oh Yogagirl, every so often I see someone who looks a bit like my ES son to me and for a moment I think it's him, which is illogical as he is a couple of hundred miles away, but it never fails to make my heart lurch. How it must be if it feasibly could be I can't imagine.

Glad you had a lovely BBQ smiles - plus nice weather and another one to look forward to. It's a shame about the dog but at least it helps explain what happened.

An unexpected power cut is no fun at all 3nanny6. I've been hearing about a few of them lately. I wonder if it's due to staff shortages in the present situation.

I'm so glad things are still improving for you pantglas

One thing I find difficult is that our DDs partner's father shares the same name as our ES. So the name frequently comes up in conversation and it never fails to stop me in my tracks till I realise it's not that X they are talking about. It's a regular reminder, that I could do without, but it can't be helped.
I woke up this morning, opened my curtain, and a perfect rainbow was the sight to greet me. I ran down in my pjs and grabbed my camera and managed to get a shot just before it faded. A small thing, but it really lifted my day.

Have a peaceful day dear friends and may tomorrow be kind to us all.

Hi Hugshelp, it's so sad to read that so many of us are hurting and sat waiting and hoping, I know I am fortunate to have contact with my grandson, but one is missing and the gap is huge.
Best wishes.

Had a lovely time yesterday. We took the dogs which meant there was no need to rush back.

Mr. S. more often than not takes a pic of rainbows when he sees them hughelp, seeing one always gives us a lift too.

It's great that you see your grandson Bridie but the only one that can fill that missing gap, is the one whose missing.

Feeling very flat right now. I think it's because we had such a lovely weekend spending time with our girls on Friday and friends yesterday that now there's nothing to look forward too.

We keep thinking about going out for meal but still don't feel confident enough to do so.

Pleased you had a lovely weekend smileless always uplifting to be with family and friends, get your calendar out and plan your next get together☺
Feeling a bit emotional here also, the missing one has just passed my window, I don't think I mentioned we live in the same road, but haven't actually seen them for over a year.

Oh Bridie I know exactly how awful that is, it's why we moved. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this, it's beyond cruel.

What on earth is wrong with them, they wont let you see your GC but will walk them past your window. Unbelievable.

Bridie That is so hard for you.

Smileless I so understand that re going out for a meal. We changed our mind today and stayed in with a takeaway and a glass of wine! ?

Glad you had a nice time smiles - sorry you're not a bit deflated. We miss going out.

Oh goodness Bridie that must be so hard. It must be impossible to put out of your mind to give yourself a little breather. The only good thing is you can see they are safe, maybe you can take a little comfort in that?

Feeling wrecked today. The alarm at the shop across the road has a habit of going off in the night on occasion, but last night it was hourly until 4am then at 4.30 a police car arrived, then another, and four PCs had a good noisy clomp around the site and a natter. Don't think anything was actually amiss just nobody came to sort the alarm out. I ended up getting a couple of fitful hours but I've been shattered today and not I'm feeling a bit wound up, expecting to get woken again. Silly, I know, I'm like an over-tired toddler
Right, bed it is, fingers crossed, nn. x

now a bit deflated, not not sorry,

Hello ladies, hope you are all well and I have read all the last few posts.
Smileless2012 pleased you had a lovely weekend it makes all the difference when you have enjoyment in your life.
Bridie22 that must be painful to see your grand-child walk past your window. How old is the grand-child? and does the GC know you are living in that house.? Comfort yourself with the fact you have one GC you are talking with and even though there is a gap about the other one still enjoy the one you have.
Hugshelp there is nothing worse than a sleepless night it just wrecks you I was the same the night I had the power cut.

I have been getting the note ready for my daughter but not quite done yet. It is my sons birthday Saturday and now with him wanting to take me out to a restaurant on the weekend I am trying to get a hairdresser appointment as my hair has been left since lockdown and I want to make myself a bit presentable. There is a bit more news about my son but I will maybe tell later, one thing for sure my family certainly keep on bringing in the news. I feel okay about going to a restaurant as most of the ones they show on T.V have all made table adjustments, social distancing etc. I feel sorry for staff though as when anyone uses the conveniences they have to do a thorough clean.
Speak to you all soon as need to get the dogs out and try the hairdresser.

Hi 3nanny6,
I hope you manage to get your hair appointment, I went last week and they fit me in no problems , I think the rush maybe over ☺ Dinner out , that sounds lovely to look forward to.
GC, is now an adult 18, and yes I have lived here all their lives.

I hope you get that hair dressers appointment 3nanny but I'm sure you'll look lovely when you go out for that celebration meal with your son on Saturday.

hello again everyone, would like to ask you if you think i should carry on sending presents to my grandson in the hope my daughter will let me see him, i sent a present and card last week, i got a message from my other daughter saying thanks, but i couldn't see him as he had a fever, as we are cut off from her phone, i asked to see him last month, was told it was not convenient as her husband was working from home, haven't seen him now for nearly a year, he must have changed so much, we live about 2 hours away, i always would go over to them, she only came to see her sick dad once before the estrangement, and that was when her mother in law drove her here and waited outside for her, I'm so worried about my daughter as she told me she had postnatal depression, but what can i do?
I got the book Beyond all belief by Diana Dunk, and i keep looking back to it for some comfort, i thought this estrangement would only last a few months at most, doesn't look that way now.

Oh muffin we thought the same thing too more than 7.5 years ago.

With your worries about your D's postnatal depression in your position I would continue to send you GS a card and a present. It's nearly a year since you've seen him so I think it's a good idea to on with what you're doing.

Funnily enough, it's something Mr. S. and I have been talking about lately. We've never sent gifts to our GC but always cards for their birthdays and Christmas. We are now seriously thinking about not doing this anymore.

We realise that they wont ever receive them, unlike your GS, and may stop sending them and just stick with the ones we buy for their memory box.

We feel that by talking this through and if we are comfortable no longer send the cards, it will be another positive on our journey of letting go and moving on with our lives.

I'm so glad you have your girls Smileless
hugshelp ... what an annoyance about the alarm! I hope you managed a good night.
3nanny6 ... enjoy your date with your son, and hope you've managed to get a hair appointment.
Bridie22 ... Your post on Sat put it all so eloquently. Sums it up in one paragraph. So sorry you had to watch them pass your place, but try to enjoy the contact you have with the other one.
muffin ... The problem is always we dont know how our cards or presents are received do we?
It seems there is still a chance for your relationship with your daughter as she is still contacting you, and she didnt say you shouldn't.
In your place I would hope for the best and keep up the level of communication you have for now
Yogagirl ... How really awful for you. I think I can guess just how bad that was. A mixture of hope, that it is them. Fear, that you will say or do the wrong thing and make things worse if it is, and madness that pushes you (one) to chase around the store to check out the person!
You are not an idiot. Your the same as all of us, under great emotional stress.
Madgran, Pantaglas, and PetitFromage

Wishing everyone better days.

Very Thankful your all here and so understanding X (why is there no heart emoji? would be useful)

I would post more about myself, but it would just be full of sadness and misery.
I'm a bit of a wet weekend at the moment.

That's OK Namsnanny sometimes it really helps to talk about our sadness and misery, we've all done it so please feel free to do the same if you want too x

you're
Thanks Smileless I'm just finding it difficult to shape the feelings into words.
Hope you are feeling better?

Hello 3nanny - I hope you have a lovely meal with your son and I do hope the news is good. Also hope you get a haircut you are happy with and it perks you up. I feel sorry for the staff in all the places the public use. Some people have got so grumpy since lockdown. Some won't wear masks. Some are dropping litter everywhere. And all that extra cleaning. Not to mention the people whose jobs put them at extra risk of catching the virus.

Hi muffin - I think as far as sending gifts I can only suggest you decide if you want him to have them, regardless of the situation with your daughter, if she is letting him have them. If it were me, and if I was fairly sure he was getting them, I would want to continue. Maybe one day he will be in a position to thank you himself. Of course I hope things will be resolved much sooner than that. I know the heartbreak of an estrangement that was supposed to be brief then goes on and on. But do what feels right for you. x

If you're not sure your cards are even getting there then I'm glad you're ready to move on smiles and hope it feels like a weight lifted now the decision is made.

I'm really sorry you are having a sad, miserable time namsnanny - sometimes we don't feel like saying anything because there's nothing good to say, and we just hurt. There's only so many ways of saying, "I'm hurting," without it sounding like a moan-fest in our minds, but share as much as helps, we are here. x

Had a better night, but still feel like I have some sleep debt so night night from me.

I very much doubt that the cards we've sent have ever been passed on to the children hugshelp and having read your post and given it some thought, it does feel as if another weight has been lifted.

I'm glad you had a better night, and hope you slept well last night too.

We've just got back from a family outing to the vets!! 2 dogs and 1 cat for their annual health checks. All good although our little poodle is going back next week to have his little teeth cleaned.

Despite a good diet, denta stick and chews because we've never been able to clean his teeth they now need doing before there are any problems.

Both dogs are zonked out on a comfy chair each in the kitchen/diner. They always have a good sleep after their injections.