SUPPORT for all living with the pain of estrangement

Hi everyone and hope you are all well. Despite getting this letter sorted for my daughter everything is okay.
I have got a hair appointment this afternoon although just getting a good trim. I was going to have a colour put on but the hairdresser always puts a plastic gown over clothes and it is tight at the neck she also asked me to wear a mask. I cannot have all that as tight gown and mask would probably make me faint. So making do with the trim.
The meal with my son is for Sunday which is something to look forward to and he has some good news which he has hinted about. (It's not a baby) although knowing my son he could surprise me with something like that at the last minute as well.
There is a dampener on his news already as dear daughter heard something and has been sending him nasty text messages so she has been blocked on his phone now
I really will have to try and be the voice of reason on our meal out and hopefully I will even try not to mention his sister to him.
Smileless2012 glad your pets are now having a good sleep
after the vets trip. My dogs have got a slight "doggy breath"
they still need to give kisses and expect them particularly in the morning when I wake up. I cannot stop them as that is what they are used to but I turn my face to the side and they give my cheek a good lick. I know that will sound awful to non doggie people so apologies to anyone offended.
To me the dogs keep me going and give me a reason for each day can't think of life without them although one day it
could happen. I enjoy the time life is too short thinking about them not being around.
Best get to this hairdressers.

Hi, I am new here and so sad I cannot see my grandson.

Welcome Grammy. It's always good to see that someone else has found this place for support but of course, very sad that another GP is living with the pain of being unable to see their GC.

I'm glad everything's OK 3nanny. I expect you're feeling like a 'new woman' now you've had your hair cut; I know I did.

There are some excellent hair colours available. I never get mine coloured at the hair dressers as I don't find they last any longer and I have two small pesky grey sections at my temples that I seem to be fighting a losing battle with.

It's not vanity; honest I wouldn't mind if I woke up one morning and was completely grey, might even make me look rather distinguished it's the pesky grey bits that I find so annoying.

I think all dogs have "doggy breath" TBF our little poodle's isn't any worse than our cockapoo's even though he's 4.5 years older.

I know exactly what you mean about them keeping you going, I'm just the same and of course there's Mr. S. too and no, he doesn't have 'doggy breath' which is most definitely in his favour.

glad you got the hair appointment *3nanny - really looking forward to you getting some good news. It's such a shame your daughter feels the need to send nasty messages. Try and focus on the good news. I think not mentioning the sister at the meal sounds like a good idea.

Welcome Grammy58. I'm sorry you cannot see your grandson. I hope we can offer you some comfort. This place has been a real life-line for me.

I too wish the grey would come in all over and have done with it, mine's very patchy, though I don't colour it, I have so many allergies I have never found a dye I could tolerate. Very glad to hear mr S doesn't have doggy breath smiles

Hi everyone , hope you are all well.
Bridie 22 you posted about your 18 year old grand-child so you must have been a young grand-mother. It is sad that the grand-child walked past your house and did not call to see you. Is that because of the falling out with the parents.? So sad for the GC in the middle of it all who probably does not know what to say or do. Don't give up hope maybe one day the GC will make their own mind up.

The hair got a lovely trim yesterday but the hairdresser was disappointed I did not have the colour. I am lucky because I
have blond hair and went lighter to stop any grey showing.
Even the hairdresser tells me your hair is good and any grey/silver blends and all your hair still looks blond. (personally I like to forget about grey/silver but she does remind me) To cut a long story short she has encouraged me to return for the colour and told me that she will use light towels to protect my clothes and not the tight plastic cape, also she will turn up the air conditioner so it is cool.
So I will make another trip on Saturday and top up my blonde. Am I vain? Ha Ha Ha !!! of course I am. Well I want to look good to go out with my son on Sunday.
Another little to think about What shall I wear? I am going out with the dog and shall have a look in my wardrobe later.

So you're a blonde bomb shell 3nanny; you've kept that quiet. Sounds like you have a very thoughtful hairdresser and you're going to look lovely on Sunday for that meal with your son.

Let us know when you decide what you'll be wearing.

Hi 3nanny6,
You are going to be a right stunner at your meal out, I'm sure you will find a slinky number to wear. Have a lovely evening.
Still in my sixties, but didn't think I was that young as a a grandparent!. My granddaughter is now an adult and as such I was hoping she was able to act for herself, but she seems not to want to for whatever reasons.
Evening Smileless 2012,
I hope you are well and basking in warm sunshine.

Blonde sounds good 3nanny6. I am sure you will enjoy your meal with your son and feel like a million dollars.

Bridie it must be hard to see your grandchild walk past.

You sound like you're going to be very glamorous 3nanny

It's heartbreaking Madgran 77.

Morning all

Yet to read the last page. Thank you Namsnanny

As you may remember Smileless I stopped with the cards at Xmas & Birthdays, I was just posting them in my spare room where their memory sacks were anyway, but I did feel better when I stopped. It's just keeping it whirling around in your head, I stopped lighting a candle, I stopped putting money in their accounts & I stopped, acknowledging it was their birthdays, now it's just another day.

I've been to the hairdresser & last night I went out for a meal with 2 good friends, we sat outside as it was so warm last night, really enjoyed it.

Muffin I would continue for now with the presents & cards, especially as they live in the same road as you, but as I've said above, if nothing improves, there comes a time when you have to stop to keep your sanity!

Hi Yogagirl thanks for the advice about presents but we are about an hour and half from daughter so have to post presents and cards, i got a one word reply on my other daughter's phone saying thanks, i spend so much time choosing things i know my daughter likes for my grandson, we used to be so close, shopping together , having days out, i feel like she's joined some kind of cult, this estrangement happened so gradually but there were so many signs now i look back but still nothing i could have done, as i'm now sure our son in law is behind all of it, even when my daughter travelled to Australia she skyped us nearly every day, she met him and slowly she became a stranger to us, changed her friends to his, all her likes became only what he liked, she stopped driving and sold her car caused he critisised her driving, gave up a job that she loved, sorry to ramble on but i'm finding it so hard to accept we've lost our daughter and grandson, my other daughter has said she doesn't give a damn about them any more, as they have ignored her too, i wish i could feel like this but i'm heartbroken.

Muffin the marked change when your SIL met your daughter must be so worrying for you The specific things you describe like giving up her car because he criticised her driving, changing her interests/likes and losing contact with friends must be very worrying for you and suggest that she is possibly in a coercive controlling relationship. If that is the case then her behaviour will be driven by pleasing her controlling partner above everything else. I know!!

Are you saying that your estranged daughter contacted you on her sister's phone to say thanks?

I think that if you think your daughter is in a controlling relationship, that you should keep any type of contact that you can open...if the relationship falls apart or she realises what is happening to her, then at least she will know that you are still thinking of her/there for her.

However I know that you have to balance that against your own welfare and emotional needs.

Hi Madgran
no she has her own phone but has blocked us so she messages my other daughter as she is not blocked though there is very little communication, we are blocked from facebook as well, my younger daughter has also not seen her sister or nephew for nearly a year now, we never got to know our son in law even though we tried so hard at first, inviting them out for meals, he would just sit staring at his phone,i would always travel to see them as my husband has a serious medical condition and cannot walk without help, but only when SIL was at work, I worry that she has no money of her own now completely reliant on him and his family, she used to be the most independant person, never dreamed this could happen, my only hope now is that they split up, i remember she told me SIL had had a very traumatic childhood as a parent walked out on him and his sibling at a young age and they'd only recently reconnected.

muffin - as I think I have already said, your situation is eerily similar to my own. But things have changed, they started changing a year ago and, although it's not a straight upward path, it has its downs too, the overall trend is definitely upwards. Still a long way to go but I believe we will get there - true love never dies and conquers all things, even if it sometimes takes a while and there are bumps in the road.

Just try to put the hurt to one side - I know it can seem impossible - and open your heart and mind and wait. She will be back. I don't know when, but I just know that she will be.

Your situation is also very similar to ours muffin. With hindsight, our relationship with our ES's wife became to change when she became pregnant but not with our son until after their first child was born.

We are convinced the change in him was due to the controlling and manipulative behaviour of his wife.

Thank you for your kind words PetitFromage and Smileless, i can't talk to family or friends as they cannot understand it, and they know we had such a good relationship with our daughter, i'm hoping your right PetitFromage, i have to live in hope, i was overjoyed when my daughter told me she was pregnant, but thinking back it was when we started to see less and less of them, trying to keep myself busy every day, i'm now realising my youngest daughter has also lost her sister and nephew, i spend a lot of time walking our dog, she has been the best therapy, and thanks again to everyone on this thread

muffin our friends and family are the same. They know how much we loved him and he us; how close we were and like us, just don't understand how so much could be lost so quickly.

It's a beautiful morning and I'm waiting for my dearest friend, well she's the sister I never had, to arrive.

She 'phoned last week and after much deliberation we decided that yes, it would be OK for her to come and stay for a week. Like us she's been very careful, our house is large so there's plenty of space and no need for us to be on top of one another.

We should have been going to her a week today, but as we were due to stay in the cottage we had last year which, was OK but TBH could have been cleaner, and not knowing to what extent the restrictions would be reduced, we cancelled.

Looking forward to spending the week together.

How lovely to have a close friend coming to stay Smileless. It is bound to help with all the negative feelings and emotions about lockdown/Covid and I am sure will do you the world of good

I am just back from a lovely self catering break in Norfolk. We were so lucky with the weather. We didn't eat out at all, still not entirely happy with that idea, but easy meals at home and a couple of fish and chip suppers did us proud!

Grammy It must be hard not seeing your grandson; always welcome here.

Muffin do take care of yourself. It is good to hear that your dog walking is good therapy to keep you busy. PF gives good advice, "open your heart and wait"!

Petit Fromage so good that the overall trend continues upwards for you!

Bridie how are you doing?

3nanny6 hope that you have a lovely time tomorrow with your son.

Hugshelp not sure f your hair is completely white/grey? If it is salt and pepper, have you ever tired Henna paste ...less likely to have allergic reaction as no chemicals? You can get it for auburn, red, blonde and black/brown colouring. BUT very important to test it on strands first (in case of peculiar colour reactions on your hair) and never leave more than 2-3 minutes maximum , on hair whilst having a shower! Works a treat for me, swishing over my hair once a week.!

Bit of a mixed bag post from me today!!!!

Hope everyone is ok despite everything.

New hair do and a meal with friends sounds lovely Yogagirl

Oh glad you've got a friend's visit to look forward to smiles

Seaside and fish and chips sounds wonderful madgran - I have tried Henna in the past but tbh it didn't seem to take very much on my hair - thought it dyed my skin a treat lol. I ended up with my hair still grey, but with a brightly coloured scalp! I'm ok living with the grey, just wish it would come in properly all over, it's actually the patches of dark brown that look the worst, they've sort of faded to a generally dark, non-descript colour. Nvm, there are worse things to fuss about.

Well a brightly coloured scalp is certainly different *hugshelp! Nothing like standing out in a crowd! ?. As you say there are plenty of worse things to worry about!

Evening madgran77,
Pleased you had a lovely break ,and enjoyed it.Emotional couple of days here, find myself always looking back instead of forwards. Take care.
3nanny6.
I hope you are having a special evening and savouring every minute, and I bet you scrubbed up well ☺
Smileless 2012, wishing you and your friend a great time spent together, these times are worth their weight in gold.

Morning all

Well it seems we all have very similar 'cutting off' stories. Mine very similar to yours Muffin My daughter & GD phoned me every day too, when they first moved out of mine into their own place. I'd see them at least twice per week. No argument, just 'cut out' by her H telling me to "f* OFF" one day! He was jealous of my GD being loved and adored by her birth family, as she is not his child. Poor little mite!

Good Morning All, it is still fairly warm here and as yet no rain which has been forecast.
It's been a busy couple of days for me getting ready for my meal out yesterday with my son and he brought his lovely lady friend with him so I could meet her at last.
Thank-you you all for your messages Smileless Hugshelp, Bridie22 Madgran77. The hairdressers went well and I chose just one of my light tops yesterday as it was still warm and wore it with some leggings and flat shoes so I felt comfortable.
We went to a Brazilian Restaurant, it was lovely and not many people in there as tables were set quite a distance apart, I did not feel nervous about eating out and enjoyed delicious food from their menu.
There was a salad bar and at one end they had some hot traditional food as well. I enjoy a selection of salad and was happy with that. (you could go back as often as liked for more salad)
The main part for people is the 5 different meats brought and carved at the table, the meats resemble the large kebab
skewers you see in some take aways but they are all freshly cooked and different types.
My son and the young man who was serving the meat were laughing at me as I was only having smaller slices of the meats which was plenty enough for me and my son was having lots of the meats. Hs young lady also was a good eater.
I had a lovely meal and enjoyed catching up with my son as he is often so busy working.