Is 'No Contact' abuse?

That's a good idea snowberry. I know there were, and I'm sure there are still closed sites that only EP's can access which may the best place for your mum to feel safe and find support.

I would also recommend a book 'Estranged Parents: The Devil's Dilemma' by Sharon Ann Wildey. It's available on Amazon and is the best I have ever read on the subject.

It was invaluable to me when we were estranged and I know that others have found it very helpful too.

Chewbacca it's not really a simple answer but like MercuryQueen said abusers exist in every generation so I would not agree giving the silent treatment to punish someone is "No Contact".

No contact is to protect not hurt.

It may sound to some that it is commanding, "you shall not contact me" but it is not, it is "I will not respond to abuse".

That is what it means and abusive people should not be allowed to take that from those who need it as estrangement carries too much stigma as it is

But what if their is no "abuse"? Not every estrangement is caused by abuse.

No it's not but I haven't seen anyone use "No Contact" in that situation and again I would argue for what it actually means if I did.

There's no mention of "abuse" in snowberryZ's post @ 15.25 , simply a clash of personalities and mother being a bit awkward between her sister and her mother and the sister had now gone no contact. It doesn't say or imply that there's anything to protect anyone from.

In your post @ 20.09 you said "No Contact“ is not abuse. but in your post @ 23.46 you say I haven't seen anyone use "No Contact" in that situation and again I would argue for what it actually means if I did.

So it seems a bit of a conflicting stance really.

I've been answering your questions Chewbacca

It's not really a conflicted response to not have all the answers for specific scenarios you mention that I haven't experienced personally.

No contact is not abuse no matter who missues it as some sadly do

Misuses the termthat should read

Hmmmm....

The question, is no contact abuse? . I would answer that unless you suffered physical, sexual or cohesive control or neglect, yes it most definitely is. It’s effect on a loving parent is massive, we are programmed to love and protect our children, we would give our lives for them, from the minute that baby goes in your arms, you lose your heart to them, they are always in your thoughts, to have that thrown back in your face is cruel, denied that person you have nurtured and loved until they get to 30 or 40, tell me what button you press to delete those years, so yes it’s the cruelest abuse, it effects your physical and emotional life and many feel suicidal. Isn’t that abuse? There’s no cure, you can’t be weaned off love.

"There's no cure, you can't be weaned off love" so true Allsorts.

Our personalities and our life experiences often determine how something is experienced and if someone's experience of being estranged is of being abused, who is to say they are wrong.

I did suffer sexual abuse and for me, our estrangement by our ES is also abuse.

For me, it’s painful for me to watch my DH being bounced in and out of estrangement with his younger son. I call it our “okey, cokey estrangement”, as we are in and out of it all like yo-yos.?. And have been for over 18 years.

It’s started up again, as his son wants contact again, and we are going down the road of financial coercion again, as he just won’t give in.

My husband nearly died last September, he’s still very weak, and, quite honestly, I wish his son would just go no contact with us permanently.

DH and I don’t do the “eggshell walk” with anyone, including with money, so I can see this going on forever.?

We’ve spoken with professionals, lawyers and psychologists to help us understand and cope with our estrangement.

We are in no doubt that emotional and coercive abuse is behind what’s happening to our family. No doubt at all and of course the child is caught up in all.

That's a terrible situation for you to be in DiamondLily. I know I'd prefer estrangement and I can understand why you you'd prefer to never hear from him again.

Your poor H, it must be heartbreaking and is clearly an example of emotional abuse.

We're the same Granniesunite and have no doubts that this is the case.

Smileless2012

That's a good idea snowberry. I know there were, and I'm sure there are still closed sites that only EP's can access which may the best place for your mum to feel safe and find support.

I would also recommend a book 'Estranged Parents: The Devil's Dilemma' by Sharon Ann Wildey. It's available on Amazon and is the best I have ever read on the subject.

It was invaluable to me when we were estranged and I know that others have found it very helpful too.

Thanks for the suggestion.
I will buy the book.

Will probably read it before mother as I feel as if we are all in this together.
One thing I've noticed is that when a child decides to cut off their parent (rightly or wrongly) lots of family members are left to pick up the slack.

It affects more than the person/people who've been estranged snowberry as you're experiencing.

Siblings who are still in contact with the brother/sister are in a difficult position as are other relatives and friends who may be in touch and very aware of how the estranged person is feeling.

I think it would be wise to read it before passing it on to your mum. It's brilliant IMO because there's no 'sugar coating'. The harsh reality is not avoided, including the very few relationships that succeed at reconciliation.

The fact individuals think that adults making decisions about their own lives and who they decide who have relationships with is abuse is not only laughable and just ridiculous but also highlights the selfishness and greed of those people. It's clear to see why someone may want to create distance from someone with that entitlement.

I’m sure I’ve said this before, but I feel that the reasons someone goes no contact that is what determines if it’s abusive.

If you go no contact with the intent to hurt someone, then. Yes, it’s abusive.

If you are just done with the relationship and want/need it to be over, (for whatever reason you choose), then no, it’s not abusive. Though that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.

The problem is, you rarely know what the person who has initiated no contact is actually feeling, so it’s easy to assign motives.

If you are just done with the relationship and want/need it to be over, (for whatever reason you choose), then no, it’s not abusive. Though that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt

I think some feel that it is the method of estranging that can be abusive. So writing a letter/ringing up/meeting and explaining the reasons fort the decision then walking away ...well yes, its hurtful but at least an explanation has been provided, even if not agreed with

Just cutting contact, blocking phones and emails, sending a letter, just telling someone not to contact with no explanation... some might interpret that as abusive.

In the end it all causes a lot of pain for the people involved, sadly

Yes I agree with you Summerlove and as you say Madgran when there is no explanation "some may interpret that as abusive".

That's our interpretation and how we feel and it isn't for anyone to tell us that we are wrong to feel that way.

Madgran77

*If you are just done with the relationship and want/need it to be over, (for whatever reason you choose), then no, it’s not abusive. Though that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt*

I think some feel that it is the method of estranging that can be abusive. So writing a letter/ringing up/meeting and explaining the reasons fort the decision then walking away ...well yes, its hurtful but at least an explanation has been provided, even if not agreed with

Just cutting contact, blocking phones and emails, sending a letter, just telling someone not to contact with no explanation... some might interpret that as abusive.

In the end it all causes a lot of pain for the people involved, sadly

When abuse becomes interpretive, according to one's own perception, it becomes very difficult to sort out.

If estrangement is abuse b/c of how it makes the estranged party feel, then how can anyone argue that they weren't abusive parents if the AC feel otherwise?

People make choices that are painful to others, but that doesn't always equal abuse.

Some of us have no idea if our EAC think we were abusive MercuryQueen because there's been no explanation given.

I agree that "when abuse becomes interpretive, according to one's own perception, it becomes very difficult to sort out" and that goes for EP's and EAC.

That said, people should be allowed to feel what and how they feel without those feelings being invalidated by others with comments like "laughable", "ridiculous" and that they're expression of how they feel "highlights" their selfishness and their greed.

I feel sorry for anyone who finds amusement in the pain and suffering of others.

correction and that their expression .....

But even if there is no abuse and this probably describes my scenario.
Why do we have to converse or put ourselves through conversations with her person we want no contact with?

How does that benefit us?

It is not laughing at the suffering. It the fact you constantly link people living their lives with zero thought or action to others as abuse.

Your son isn't doing anything to you. Hasn't for years. He is living his life. Going to work. Raising kids.

But yet he is abusing you? With what actions? With what words?

IMO your posts are not worthy of a response Bibbity which is why this is my first in some time and will be my last.

Because you don't actually have an answer. You never do.