Is 'No Contact' abuse?

I think you have misread my comment completely seasidelass

I said cutting off a parent to hurt them or get your own way is not the same as going no contact to protect yourself. It's not no contact if you want a response

It's fine to disagree though, that's why it's a discussion

No I didn't misread your comment, that is not what you posted.

Anyone who goes no contact for whatever reason doesn't want a response, that's why they go no contact. If you were right, and I don't believe that you are, there must be an awful lot of adult children who have estranged/gone no contact with their parents, and wondering why their parents haven't tried to contact them.

That is what I posted, sorry you misunderstood.

I do not want a response from my mother.

If by some miracle she sent something that showed evidence that she had changed then that would make me reconsider no contact because I would not need to be no contact with a person who had sought help and was able to be accountable for their own actions.

Many adult children who have gone no contact harbour some hope that their parent will finally listen and change, that's just human. We want loving mothers.

Yet we go no contact because we know that the chances of that happening are small.

But back to what I said previously

Anyone who estranges to hurt or get their own way is not "No Contact"

I'd call it something else. It is that simple

I understand that which is why I posted earlier that your interpretation is based on your personal experience. It is not a 'one size fits all'.

What would you call it then?

No it's not based on my personal experience. It's based on what is widely used as a term by adult children with abusive parents. It's based on what professionals use and what was recommended to me by a professional. It's based on what articles about it use, even though some articles also misuse it which is wrong imo.

No contact is to protect yourself only.

In answer to your question about what I would call cutting off a parent unfairly, I'd call it "silent treatment" which is a well known abuse tactic. That's also how I often see EPs describe their AC not talking to them too and have agreed with them.

Often I see "Cut off" used too which seems a fair way to describe when someone has cut family ties and one party feels this was unfair.

Then there is "Estrangement" which simply covers all.

It matters to me, as I have said before, that if I say "I am no contact with my mother" the understanding is that this isn't something I wanted, it is something I was forced to do to protect myself.

Some people won't care about that, what it means to me or others like me. Some will not care about misusing a term for protection in their own dealings with their parents and how that negatively impacts people like me.

In some circles I can explain what no contact is and have people listen and agree that that is not what their adult child has done to them. I don't know why they wouldn't unless they deep down think that EAC who have gone no contact with abusive parents aren't justified or aren't telling the truth.

I've just seen another example of this sort of thing:

"Urgh I'm so depressed!! I had to wait till I got paid to buy a top and now it's out of stock!"

That's not depressed as it should be used, what they are is sad.

Someone had already explained to her that depression is the feeling of unhappiness and being without hope, which is not the same as being sad.

Don't understand that as an analogy at all!

It is also a term it seems to me, that is widely used by parents whose adult children have gone no contact with them and not because their adult children are in every case, protecting themselves.

It's a question of semantics. As you have said "some articles also misuse it which in IMO is wrong"; that is your opinion and one I disagree with.

I find your posts somewhat confusing. You say no contact with your mother is not something you want, but parents whose adult children have gone no contact with them, is not something they want. So for me, no contact is valid in both cases.

I wonder why you say that some people won't care "what it means to me (you) or others like me (you)". That suggests there's an arbitrary use of the term no contact by parents whose children have made that decision, and they don't care how that may impact on those in your situation.

They say their adult child have gone no contact because that is their experience. There's the danger that they may be made to feel that there are some who don't care about their experience.

Your final paragraph seems to suggest that anyone not agreeing with you on this which includes me, "think that EAC who have gone no contact with abusive parents aren't justified or aren't telling the truth".

I have certainly not said or even suggested that that is what I think, because I don't, and I haven't seen anyone else suggest or say so either.

I've actually never seen an EP say "my adult child is no contact with me".

I've seen it the other way around when a parent has been forced to go no contact with an abusive or addicted adult child to protect themselves.

Honestly it's fine, people can use terms however they want, I was just explaining what it means too many people and asking for some consideration.

Often when people don't get consideration they do feel invalidated or not taken seriously.

That works both ways of course

I think parents tend to say they have been estranged, that said I have seen parents use the term no contact or a combination of both.

Consideration and validation is needed by everyone isn't it and as you say that works both ways.

Loads of parents on estrangement have used the term no contact. It just the forum is called estrangement. You could always have one called no contact. In the end no contact is estrangement as you don’t hear from them Ie. no contact.

Ok

We are here together, so I am explaining one way that we can use to communicate better here.

I have explained that adult children with abusive parents use this term to describe being forced to estrange an abusive parent.

I have explained that this term is also used by those with abusive ex partners.

I have explained that estranged parents also use this term when they have been forced to go no contact with an abusive adult child.

I have explained that no contact means that you do not respond no matter what sorts of guilt trips or manipulations or untruths sent by an abusive person.

I have explained that no contact is to protect you from harm not to punish or to get your own way.

I would also add that in cases where an adult child has estranged unfairly and the parent has received nasty messages later that they haven't replied to, they are also then "No Contact"

I have answered many many questions or comments put to me about it that don't agree.

So my question is:

Why here, in this shared space, when other terms are available and this term is mostly used by people who have been abused...

Why is that not acceptable to you?

I have disagreed with you VioletSky, why is that not acceptable to you?

I do not disagree with the way you use the term no contact but I disagree that it is wrong if it is used by parents who are not abusive and whose children have gone no contact with them.

I see that you have now added "that in cases where an adult child has estranged unfairly and the parent has received nasty messages later that they haven't replied to, they are also then No Contact", which begs the question, what are we disagreeing about, because in that statement you're agreeing with me and others who have previously said the same thing?

Yes I've seen that too Allsorts and am pretty sure over the years I've used the term no contact in relation to our estrangement.

Don't see the problem TBH.

seasidelass

I don't understand why you are so angry with me.

How does a parent know if a child has gone "No Contact" with them rather than silent treatment or cut off, unless their child has specifically said that to them.

I have said all along what no contact means and answered your questions and read your comments

I have asked you why it is not acceptable to keep the term separate here which would be to all our benefit and help us all understand each other better.

You haven't actually answered me

So are we to be defined depending on whether we use the term estranged or no contact?
Who has decided that a particular word can only be used by one particular group of people? And who makes these arbitrary laws?

It matters to me that people understand that I went no contact with an abusive person.

Even in groups for children of abusive parents someone saying they are going no contact for less than wholesome reasons would be told what no contact means and that it is to protect, not cause harm.

I am not angry with you VioletSky, I don't get angry with people because they disagree with me but I have to say I'm not very happy with your accusation which I find rather passive aggressive.

You say what no contact means to you and I am not disagreeing with your interpretation, merely your exclusion of non abusive parents whose adult children have gone no contact with them.

I don't think it's acceptable to keep the term separate, in terms of this discussion and on this forum, because to do so would prevent any estranged parents here from expressing their personal experiences, in a way that is comfortable and appropriate to them.

What would benefit everyone and help understanding IMO, is allowing everyone to express themselves as they wish without saying they are wrong in their choice of terminology.

You haven't actually answered me

I'll answer you:
I don't think that you can ringfence a word and demand that it only ever be used, by a subset of people, to describe their particular circumstances! It's entirely up to the individual as to how they perceive themselves, and their situation, and what "word" they feel best describes it. Laying down dictats as to how we refer to ourselves is so ridiculous!

violetsky feel free use any adjective you feel is appropriate to describe your own particular circumstances but you really cannot dictate to anyone else what term they should use or feel comfortable with.

As I said I feel it would benefit everyone.

I don't mind that you don't agree and I don't really expect anything to change either and I'm not going to pull people up on how they express themselves.

But this is the topic and those are my thoughts on it and I'm only answering what is put to me.

Must I agree with you? Or can we leave things as they stand?

Some have heard me in the past and that's enough isn't it?

I understand that VioletSky and it matters to non abusive parents that it be understood, that their adult child did not go no contact with them because of abuse.

This is not a forum only for adult children who have estranged, so what is deemed the correct terminology in a group for children of abusive parents, isn't applicable here.

Of course it matters to some parents that people understand that they haven't been estranged due to abuse.

Which is why I feel it would be better for them not to use a term used by abused children or professionals or even the police and courts as previously mentioned to describe a very different situation.

I'm not trying to take anything away from anyone, I'm trying to give people what they actually need

As I said I feel it would benefit everyone

I don't agree with you on that either violetsky! Unless you hold some kind of referendum, asking people to vote which "word" they want to use to describe themselves and their situation; it's really just you wanting everyone else to use the parlance that suits you! Leave folk be and let them have the freedom of choice to use their own vocabularies that they're comfortable with.