Is 'No Contact' abuse?

I know what you think VS and I don't agree with you.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Nothing wrong with continuing a discussion

This forum is Estrangement and everyone touched by it is welcome to post here

Sadly there are few new threads because people do not feel welcomed

It's interesting to me though, my mother was extraordinarily childish woman and would never for a moment be able to see that about herself

Allsorts

Why was this resurrected after over 4 months, the same people just out to stir, to disrupt, please just don't engage with them. I do think its a good reason why it can be good not to engage with extremely argumentative and needy adult children who think the world owes them something, always having to be right and play the victim, whereas its the poor parents who have put up with unacceptable behaviour too long,

I don't see how this comment is more acceptable than the ones deleted. The need for civil discourse should apply all around.

Gransnet sure has some odd ways of cherry picking comments to delete.

And it would be wrong for anyone to suggest otherwise VS because that is your experience, just as it is wrong to tell an EP that being estranged has not been experienced by them as abuse.

Allsorts is referring to DontBeCrazy's post Feverjo who GN have said has been banned for being a troll.

I am sure Allsorts is perfectly capable of articulating herself in a respectful manner if she wanted to. She used plurals in all her sentences when referring to her targets, so I'm not going to assume she was referring to one individual. Furthermore, it was no better than Don'tBeCrazy's.

Don'tBeCrazy has been banned for being a troll; enough said.

Smileless2012

And it would be wrong for anyone to suggest otherwise VS because that is your experience, just as it is wrong to tell an EP that being estranged has not been experienced by them as abuse.

I agree it is painful but it is not abusive to leave a relationship, otherwise we would all still be in a bad one with someone

This is an old thread, surely the OP has moved along?

Of course 'no contact' isn't abuse, it's merely a choice.

Freedom of choice

I have a strong suspicion that those who have gone “no contact” with family members then keep on posting cryptic, trite little messages on Facebook of the type we’ve all probably seen before patently obviously, almost definitely, referring to “the estranged one”
..and in the full knowledge that they can be read by other family members and mutual friends who will sometimes “like” or respond (in all innocence, quite often due to genuine ignorance of the situation) or wooosh! failure to link the real message to what they do know.

Either way any response is likely providing some affirmation to the poster even if by proxy, even if they are fairly sure (because they have “unfriended” or otherwise prevented the “estranged one” from seeing such communications, it is a handy if cowardly method of venting their anger, not just once or twice after the initial upset of it all but over and over again for sometimes years, confident that no one will challenge them or ask for explanations.
This imo is a punishment towards the “none contacted” person or persons.
not really ceasing contact is it? just wanting revenge.

I don't understand that?

Cryptic messages on Facebook?

How would anyone know what they were really for and why would anyone be passing them on and hurting someone with them?

Smileless2012

Don'tBeCrazy has been banned for being a troll; enough said.

That only shows that there is clearly 'selective' application of certain rules on this site.

I didn't see whatever happened

But I am guessing someone was hurt and upset

When people are hurt and upset I generally wonder why and what I can do to help rather than insult them

VioletSky the others may not be “passing them on”… although they could if they were a bit insensitive or just through error, which is unlikely.

But that would not be the point of the messages (and if you saw these messages from this person often enough always with the same type of theme - something along the lines of (and I’m not quoting them) I don’t need you in my life, I am so happy without you, you were no good/ incapable of happiness etc etc, they are of the type that people subscribe to on support groups for people who have “gone no contact” with a parent usually.

Sickly little pictures of sunlit uplands and of course plenty of likes and thumbs up, but they are then reposted to Facebook alongside this persons other “normal” Facebook activity of cats dogs babies, photos etc. it all looks very wholesome and harmless the first one or two, but after well over a year it has clicked and I no longer respond to these posts from them. I don’t dislike the person, but can see clearly now they are aimed towards their parent.

However as I said the actual purpose of them is to vent safely through others who may or may not know even though they are relatives and mutual friends., and garner approval or agreement, or validation in the form of “likes” for these increasingly repetitive quotes and “truths”

This why I said, it is not actually estrangement they want or to cease all contact. It is a form of revenge, a punishment of the parent in question without the bother of a big row,
it means change who you are or else I won’t contact you again.

People who are sincere in their wish to go no contact, just do it, when it is so bad, they stay away and create a new life eventually, without resorting to constantly qualifying their decisions by inviting others to like me, agree with me, but don’t argue with me or question me.

So I am suspicious of these peoples intentions therefore.

I think you would have to understand how difficult it is even to go no contact with an abusive parent... It's not natural to walk away from the person you are programmed to love and let go of the idea of a good relationship with them

It took me years to finally let go of the idea that my mother could heal and be good to me... Less time than I spent trying to help our relationship from the inside but still a long time. I don't think it is unreasonable to ask someone to seek help before re-establishing a relationship to change what is causing issues

For what it's worth I know a few estranged parents and have seen the same sort of posts from them too but I don't think much of it... People in pain are working through it in their own time... I don't feel it makes anyone less sincere or somehow unreasonable... I just think I don't know what they are going through right now

We see it all the time here in sweeping generalisations etc about estranged parents or estranged children and at first it used to make me angry... Now I think, there is a person who hasn't gotten over their pain yet and that's about them, not about me

Feverjo, so kind of you to show the deleted post.

For all of the adult children of cruel, abusive mothers, that feel as you do this particular thread should be for you, with like minded people that have had similar experiences as each other. .

We're fortunate not to have been on the receiving end of what you've described Grandmardeby but I know other EP's who have been.

Allsorts

Feverjo, so kind of you to show the deleted post.

For all of the adult children of cruel, abusive mothers, that feel as you do this particular thread should be for you, with like minded people that have had similar experiences as each other. .

Allsorts we aren't confined to one thread like naughty childrren

Allsorts

Feverjo, so kind of you to show the deleted post.

For all of the adult children of cruel, abusive mothers, that feel as you do this particular thread should be for you, with like minded people that have had similar experiences as each other. .

I have no control over what Gransnet decides to keep and delete.

I am not sure what your second paragraph even means. It wasn't completely coherent, but if it is somehow your way of trying to dictate who posts where I would suggest finding a way to cope rather trying to control what others do. It's not healthy behaviour. Being divisive doesn't work in the real world. It doesn't work on the internet. Freedom of choice isn't up to you to give or take. You are only in control of where and what you post. Respecting other people's freedom of choice would also probably do wonders for many families, but I digress...

Granmarderby10

VioletSky the others may not be “passing them on”… although they could if they were a bit insensitive or just through error, which is unlikely.

But that would not be the point of the messages (and if you saw these messages from this person often enough always with the same type of theme - something along the lines of (and I’m not quoting them) I don’t need you in my life, I am so happy without you, you were no good/ incapable of happiness etc etc, they are of the type that people subscribe to on support groups for people who have “gone no contact” with a parent usually.

Sickly little pictures of sunlit uplands and of course plenty of likes and thumbs up, but they are then reposted to Facebook alongside this persons other “normal” Facebook activity of cats dogs babies, photos etc. it all looks very wholesome and harmless the first one or two, but after well over a year it has clicked and I no longer respond to these posts from them. I don’t dislike the person, but can see clearly now they are aimed towards their parent.

However as I said the actual purpose of them is to vent safely through others who may or may not know even though they are relatives and mutual friends., and garner approval or agreement, or validation in the form of “likes” for these increasingly repetitive quotes and “truths”

This why I said, it is not actually estrangement they want or to cease all contact. It is a form of revenge, a punishment of the parent in question without the bother of a big row,
it means change who you are or else I won’t contact you again.

People who are sincere in their wish to go no contact, just do it, when it is so bad, they stay away and create a new life eventually, without resorting to constantly qualifying their decisions by inviting others to like me, agree with me, but don’t argue with me or question me.

So I am suspicious of these peoples intentions therefore.

That's the problem with social media. It's always a choice to 'friend', read, or post. People choose to expose themselves to things that upset them. People choose to post things aimed at others. In the end, the use of social media is all choice no matter what the issue is.

I do have a question to you, how is Gransnet much different?
The things posted on this site "cowards", "gutless wonders", "weaponizing their own children" etc. How are comments like this any more acceptable than someone posting their own feelings on their own pages? So much name calling, even when one hasn't even the slightest clue of details of another poster's situation. It's hard to have a moral high ground when nasty comments on being made on here Vs. a more traditional platform. I'm not sure we can place our own boxes and limitations on how others choose to express themselves after separating from a relationship. If the contact is really not there, people will process their feelings in their own ways. I've certainly read quite a lot on Gransnet that has made me cringe. I think as long as the no-contact is consistent, people are going to work through their feelings in the way they see works for them.

Oh my tbis again. Of course no contact isn’t abuse. Everyone is free to walk away from relationships that aren’t working for them. For whatever reason calling it abuse implies ones adult children owe them contact and they do not. It does however fit the victim mentality perfectly.

As to social media postings of vague defense of or mention of their no contact status - that other “may see” (mutual friends / family ) well what comes to mind is that eaves droppers never hear good of themselves. Surely the estranged person isn’t Facebook friends with the estranged? So they’d have to be using others to get the information to even know. I’d advise against that and say that anyone can post whatever they like to their own pages. I’ve seen at least as many , if not more estranged grandparents using social media the same way “woe is me, this is my estranged grandsons xxx birthday and my mean dil turned my son against me so we can’t see them “ blah blah. It’s their page and they can post what they like as well. - though like others people wll make a judgement call about the sort of person one is either way.

We went nc with my in-laws years before any such thing as social media existed. Even then there were mutual distant family members who didn’t take long to figure it out and when they did the overwhelming reaction was “it was about time they can’t believe we put up with them so long “ The few who suggested reconciliation were told politely that they weren’t privy to the whole situation and we asked them to respect our right to make the best choice for us.

An excellent point. What difference is it? It seems to me the concern is more that others they know might see it - which is rubbish. Do they think mutual friends / family don’t already know?