Is 'No Contact' abuse?

No one has the right to tell another how they should or should not experience something. If an EP experiences their estrangement as abuse, it is their right to say so.

Smileless2012

No one has the right to tell another how they should or should not experience something. If an EP experiences their estrangement as abuse, it is their right to say so.

One CAN say anything they like, it doesn’t make it so. Having one’s feelings hurt isn’t abuse. The whole idea is ridiculous- so an adult child has no voice but to tolerate a relationship they don’t want or be abusive ? Please.believing cutting contact to be abusive screams an entitlement that simply doesn’t exist. No one, regardless of relationship is owed a relationship or contact.

No, if my child walked away from me I'd be daft to label it abuse and it would definitely harm our chances of reconciliation if I did

Gosh I've been called "abusive", "nasty", "selfish", "cruel" by my mother for walking away despite doing everything I physically and emotionally could to make that relationship work

She may as well be waving a massive red flag emblazoned with "unsafe, stay away".

She is on her 7th set of social media profiles in order to get around the blocks just so that she can say it too

Indeed Grams so saying that an adult child whose estranged his/her parent(s) isn't abusing them, doesn't make it so does it.

Where has anyone said or even suggested that a child has no voice but to tolerate a relationship they don't want or be abusive, and who is screaming?

What's the problem? Why does it bother you? No one is accusing you of abusing the people you have estranged so why can't you accept it when an EP says that being abused is their experience of being estranged?

Why are your experiences to be believed and not the experiences of EP's?

You have no idea how you would feel or what your reaction would be unless it happened to you VS and I hope it never does.

Adult children can be abusive

The act of leaving a relationship permanently with no further contact is not an abusive act

If the person estranging is abusive, it's an act that stops abuse

If the person being estranged is abusive, it's an act that stops abuse

As I keep saying VS you cannot tell someone how they should or should not experience something, especially when it is not something that you have personally experienced.

Smileless yes of course I can if it is clearly damaging to someone in some way to believe that. There is so much help and support available

The other reason is that, others read these threads and being able to frame their feelings correctly may save some relationships.

What gives you or anyone the right to tell someone whether or not they're framing their feelings correctly VS, especially when it appears that it's only the way some EP's are framing theirs that seems to bother you?

It appears wrong

Ending a relationship is not an abusive act because it isn't... That's just logical

Being devastated is by it, is the honest truth of it...

How does claiming it as abuse help you? What does it achieve?

Smileless2012

Indeed Grams so saying that an adult child whose estranged his/her parent(s) isn't abusing them, doesn't make it so does it.

Where has anyone said or even suggested that a child has no voice but to tolerate a relationship they don't want or be abusive, and who is screaming?

What's the problem? Why does it bother you? No one is accusing you of abusing the people you have estranged so why can't you accept it when an EP says that being abused is their experience of being estranged?

Why are your experiences to be believed and not the experiences of EP's?

Out of curiosity do you believe that ending a lo mg term friendship that is no longer a good relationship abusive ? Breaking up with ain’t term boyfriend ? A divorce ? What other relationships is one not allowed to choose to cut tire with lest they be accused of abusing the person they’ve decided to move on from?

My problem with the phenomena of estranged parents crying it’s abuse to be estranged is that it’s not grounded in reality and it screams the sort of entitlement that in itself is toxic. Not to mention the disservice it does to actual abuse Adult children defrauding their elderly parents of money , physical abuse , making threats etc. your adult child simply deciding they don’t wish to have a relationship with you may well be upsetting but it not nor will it ever be abuse. Framing it as such and encouraging my the belief sets keep up for the worst victim complex and does them zero good in reworking their lives as they now find it . It’s not helpful.

Would you like to be told to 're frame' your experience with your in laws Grams? Would your husband appreciate being told to 're frame' the experiences he's had with his parents?
Would you like to be told to 're frame' your experience with your mother VS?

I'm guessing not so how about showing the same courtesy to the EP's on this forum who have the right to 'frame' their experiences how ever they see fit, just like you do.

Smileless2012

Would you like to be told to 're frame' your experience with your in laws Grams? Would your husband appreciate being told to 're frame' the experiences he's had with his parents?
Would you like to be told to 're frame' your experience with your mother VS?

I'm guessing not so how about showing the same courtesy to the EP's on this forum who have the right to 'frame' their experiences how ever they see fit, just like you do.

Oh I definitely want to be thinking in rational terms about my whole situation, that's why I went and got help

Part of that help was dealing with the guilt I felt about estranging and of course, that guilt wasn't mine to carry at all and the act of walking away is nothing to feel guilty about

I suppose it could be classed as an act of kindness ..

Yes that too, many relationships are painful for both parties or sometimes people realise they aren't right for the other person and are hurting them

It doesn't feel very kind Allsorts. Kindness would help if you explained your need to walk away , that way the estranged person can process it.

Some people need closure, some people don't... I think it depends on their ability to reflect on why the relationship ended for themselves

Giving someone a list of all the reasons you don't want a relationship (what you don't like about them in essence) doesn't feel kind, so that can be hard

Depending on the personality of the person you are giving closure too, they may not accept it or agree with it and that can cause more distress to them when the relationship is over regardless.

Closure may have been coming for a while before the relationship ended but a person's determination that a family relationship is something that doesn't sometimes end, may make them less able to understand that the reasons have been shared already

In essence, sometimes it depends on personality type, a more controlling person has a greater need for direct closure, someone able to self reflect and look back on the times things were distant or emotional may find it for themselves

I am a reflective controlling personality who needs closure, its killing me this estrangement with no cause, no matter how hard I reflect or others members of my family suffering the same estrangement, it makes NO sense.

Bridie as you know i don't think it kind, the opposite, but its very clear the people that do it do not think as we do. Don't try to make sense of it because you won’t, we all have to learn acceptance of the unacceptable really. It’s their way of dealing with a problem so if it happens to you, naturally you want answers but it's already too late, this is the act that says, no more. You will find support on the estrangement thread and not judgement as we all understand. Things will get gradually better for you as you rebuild.

Bridie . The period of self reflection seems never ending and more so when you don't know why the child you love estranges you, but it does end.

Closure feels unattainable and to a certain extent for the EP who never knows why this has happened, I think it always will be as it is when any relationship ends and the one who ends it never explains why. So it has nothing to do with ones ability or lack of ability to self reflect, and needing closure has nothing to do with being controlling.

Try to be strengthened by the fact that despite how much you self reflect, your estrangement makes no sense because that it is because it is not your fault. It has nothing to do with how your raised, cared for and loved your EAC.

Just because you're an EP, that doesn't mean that you have to feel guilty and/or responsible, so when your self reflection shows you that you are neither; believe it.

Thank you, I know a lot of you have estranged longer than me and have maybe come to terms with it , most times I smile and cope, as we all do, however sometimes life is overwhelming, as your move is for you at the minute Smiles,I also know .this will pass again.
It's the feeling of helplessness that makes me die a little inside.

It's the feeling of helplessness that makes me die a little inside oh Bridie I do understand.

I've come to terms with the fact that it has happened, that there was nothing we could have done to prevent it and we will never see him or our GC again but that's as far as I've got and don't expect to get any further.

Stay strong Bridie x

Bridie Have you tried a polite letter asking?

"I am really struggling to come to terms with our estrangement. I understand that you do not want me to contact you any more but I would like to sincerely ask you why. I would like to address and work through what went wrong in our relationship even if that still means I won't see you again"

Yes I have.

The silence is deafening isn't it Bridie .