In a relationship that is mostly bad, the good moments are painful too because it's like being shown a possibility you cannot have
Very true
Good Morning Friday 15th May 2026
Gransnet forums
Estrangement
Daughter’s birthday, should I send her a birthday card ?
(384 Posts)I really need to have some constructive opinions on this .My long term partner of 22 years ( we never lived together) passed away last October, and I was so consumed up with grief that I hit rock bottom over the next few months . During this awful time , my daughter decided she had enough of me ( I know I was very difficult to deal with , but couldn’t pull myself out of the hole I was in ) , then one morning, bit out of the blue , she sent me a hurtful text , saying a host of awful things to me , adding that if and when she decides to talk to me again it will be on her terms . I’d messaged her back pleading not to be like this ,that I was sorry that I’d been such a pain to deal with , that my doctor has put me on antidepressants, and to say that I love her and are very proud of her. She read it , but never replied .
She ignored Mother’s Day , not contacted me once over lockdown to see if I’m ok or want something ( I am registered disabled but I have car and try to be independent as much as possible ) , and worse still , my 68 th birthday was last week and was totally ignored by her .
I have mixed feelings about all this , because I have couple friends who’s daughters have done the same to them , also read many posts on here of similar situations. I feel I cannot go through rest of my life feeling so hurt and upset , wishing and hoping she will contact me , and , if and when she does , I know I’ll be walking on eggshells as be worrying if she will do this to me again. I’ve not been brought up to be doing any of this sort thing to my parents , if we have an issue , we talk it through , to resolve things , never to cut them out of ones life , and be so hurtful and disrespectful. My Mum would be mortified by this behaviour, so would my beloved partner . I didn’t raise my daughter to be so heartless. My son is very hurt also , saying that his family are falling apart .
With all this emotions going on, it’s her birthday coming up in couple weeks time , and I’m at a loss as to wether to send her a card , part of me says yes , I should, ( but feel she will rip it up ) but then I feel that I don’t want to , so maybe that way she will hopefully feel some hurt to know how it feels .
I’m in state of limbo , and would appreciate thoughts on this one. Oh , and I’d like to add, that I love my daughter dearly , have always been proud of her , and miss her terribly.
varian sadly it didn't work out for OP which was very upsetring for her
I still think that in spite of all the negativity from her daughter, the OP should do something positive.
Possibly her son may be able to help.
Her daughter hasn’t given any negativity.
All the more reason for her to be positive.
varian -- It really depends on the situation how cards and such should be handled. For Me, receiving anything would just be considered a manipulation tactic.
Pictures from 'happy' times? I bet if my 'mom' did that I would look at each photo and remember what she did that particular day that ruined the 'good time'. I don't think her idea of fun/good times and mine would match up. Let's just say that's a "memory lane" I don't want to go down and she can keep her pictorial 'evidence' of what a great 'mom' she was. I remember the truth with or without the forced smile pictures/torture I had to endure.
To this day I hate having my picture taken because I hate lies and lying and the forced 'happy'/smiling childhood photo's are just that -- Lies. I think it would just be showing Me how unhealthy she still is, if she still believes I was truly happy as a child, by sending such pictures. I've kinda made it clear I was not.
Just send the card, love mom, you're not a stalker or controlling, just a loving mom who misses her daughter. How can anyone forget that day you deliver your child, that love doesn't die, you can't forget, why should you. As for her reconnecting, that might not happen yet if at all. It's hard to live with that reality, but I'm afraid it's her choice and has to be faced. A card doesn't cost much, if it were me I would continue to send them as long as I had her address, but don't beg to see her or anything, she could see it as pressure, just love mom and miss you. Short and sweet.
Digby, so sorry I posted, as I can see it's an older post and the birthday come and gone, you did what you thought best at the time. I just didn't read previous 9 pages, which in future I will do when posting, as I don't come on here daily I don't always do that and I should. All the best.
If a child and a parent have issues, and I’m not talking about abuse, but differences in expectations let’s say. Should that child withhold his or her children from seeing their Grandparents?
Bibbity I didn’t realize I was talking about marriage. You didn’t mention it specifically.
So I guess you didn’t have to say it was a ridiculous comparison because I was talking about being estranged from children.
Everyone has faults . Everyone is not perfect. And not everyone makes me happy . But I have to make my own happiness and would never estrange myself because my parent didn’t make me happy all the time. I accept my family with all their quirks and idiosyncrasies even if at times I am not thrilled with them. That’s just me.
Rhinestone what do you specifically know about someone else's experience to know you wouldn't estrange if you were them? Where are the comparisons you are making?
Rhinestone isn't suggesting that she knows "specifically about someone else's experience", we can only make decisions on the basis of our own experience, and we only ever know about someone else's based on what they tell us.
Starblaze You have misread what I have been writing.. In my opinion people shouldn’t estrange for reasons like others not making them happy and I would not do it.
This forum is to give our opinions and support. Are you sure you are here for those reasons?
What does that mean*Rhinestone*?
Why do you think i am here and have been for a long time?
Yes. I will ‘withhold’ my children. Because if there is no relationship with the adults. There’s no relationship between the minor children.
I don’t care about ups and downs. She made me miserable. My husband and then our marriage suffered.
I don’t care about what others would or wouldn’t do. I’m now at a point where I no longer care about other options on the situation.
I’m at peace with it all. That chapter has closed.
There was an issue and it’s now been resolved.
The resolution was ending the relationship.
The CO was the solution.
And again. It wasn’t just not making us happy. I can do that on my own.
She made us miserable.
Dibbydod it is evident your DD has not suffered the trauma of all-consuming grief and until she does will never understand what it does to you. I also suspect an element of resentment in her which your love for your partner and distress at his death emphasized. Most parents do not expect gushing overtures from their children but unkindness at such a time exceedingly cruel.
As many here advocate, I would indeed send her a simple birthday card with love and expect nothing in return. Do this for your own sake because otherwise you sink to her level and something I would refuse to do. How she behaviours and her self-justification for it up to her.
Bibbity
And again. It wasn’t just not making us happy. I can do that on my own.
She made us miserable.
I estranged for the same reasons Bibbity and I've never had a moment's regret about that. I don't expect my reasons for taking that decision to be the same as anyone else's or need anyone else to approve or validate my reasons for doing so, nor to constantly revisit it to evaluate the why's and wherefores of it. It's done. Move on. But at the same time, I can understand and empathise with those who have been estranged from a loved one and genuinely don't understand why. So it's rather disingenuous to say what do you specifically know about someone else's experience to know you wouldn't estrange if you were them? Where are the comparisons you are making? when actually, none of us know the whole story; we only know what we're being told here. And that could be millions of miles away from "the truth" for any/all of us.
Just to double check...you know I didn’t say that right?
Just to double check I know that you said And again. It wasn’t just not making us happy. I can do that on my own. She made us miserable. Which is what I quoted you on, right?
Bibbity sorry about that, I do my best to always be reasonable but sometimes... Emotions happen
Chewbacca
Just to double check I know that you said And again. It wasn’t just not making us happy. I can do that on my own. She made us miserable. Which is what I quoted you on, right?
So it's rather disingenuous to say what do you specifically know about someone else's experience to know you wouldn't estrange if you were them? Where are the comparisons you are making?
That bit I said. I didn’t say the above.
yes i would send her one.find one that says say you still her love her through bad times and good .. . ..at least you know you tried ...
Never said you did bibbity! If you go back and read my post, you'll see where I quoted your post.
I estranged for the same reasons Bibbity and I've never had a moment's regret about that
That is good to hear Chewbacca
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