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Daughter’s birthday, should I send her a birthday card ?

(384 Posts)
Dibbydod Mon 13-Jul-20 10:36:07

I really need to have some constructive opinions on this .My long term partner of 22 years ( we never lived together) passed away last October, and I was so consumed up with grief that I hit rock bottom over the next few months . During this awful time , my daughter decided she had enough of me ( I know I was very difficult to deal with , but couldn’t pull myself out of the hole I was in ) , then one morning, bit out of the blue , she sent me a hurtful text , saying a host of awful things to me , adding that if and when she decides to talk to me again it will be on her terms . I’d messaged her back pleading not to be like this ,that I was sorry that I’d been such a pain to deal with , that my doctor has put me on antidepressants, and to say that I love her and are very proud of her. She read it , but never replied .
She ignored Mother’s Day , not contacted me once over lockdown to see if I’m ok or want something ( I am registered disabled but I have car and try to be independent as much as possible ) , and worse still , my 68 th birthday was last week and was totally ignored by her .
I have mixed feelings about all this , because I have couple friends who’s daughters have done the same to them , also read many posts on here of similar situations. I feel I cannot go through rest of my life feeling so hurt and upset , wishing and hoping she will contact me , and , if and when she does , I know I’ll be walking on eggshells as be worrying if she will do this to me again. I’ve not been brought up to be doing any of this sort thing to my parents , if we have an issue , we talk it through , to resolve things , never to cut them out of ones life , and be so hurtful and disrespectful. My Mum would be mortified by this behaviour, so would my beloved partner . I didn’t raise my daughter to be so heartless. My son is very hurt also , saying that his family are falling apart .
With all this emotions going on, it’s her birthday coming up in couple weeks time , and I’m at a loss as to wether to send her a card , part of me says yes , I should, ( but feel she will rip it up ) but then I feel that I don’t want to , so maybe that way she will hopefully feel some hurt to know how it feels .
I’m in state of limbo , and would appreciate thoughts on this one. Oh , and I’d like to add, that I love my daughter dearly , have always been proud of her , and miss her terribly.

Iam64 Thu 17-Sep-20 19:40:53

Smiles -thanks for carrying on posting here. You don't get much recognition, never mind positive recognition. I want to acknowledge the impact your recent experience of the death of your mum, followed by the email from your estranged son. Stay strong and look after yourself

Smileless2012 Mon 21-Sep-20 18:13:04

Thanks Iamsmile. We've been away for a few days with no internet so I've only just seen your kind post.

Rhinestone Mon 28-Sep-20 10:36:13

Well it was just my birthday and I would have given anything to get a card from my ES or even a two word text. He did the first year he estranged himself but nothing after that. I think I’m numb to him as I didn’t cry as much this birthday.

Smileless2012 Mon 28-Sep-20 12:43:26

Belated birthday wishes Rhinestoneflowers. I know what you mean about becoming "numb" it takes time doesn't it for the rawness to go.

Madgran77 Mon 28-Sep-20 13:42:15

Rhinestone That was hard for you, waiting and hoping. flowers

Yogagirl Tue 29-Sep-20 08:11:33

Happy birthday Rhinestone flowers

Sarnia Tue 29-Sep-20 08:27:07


I'm sorry but I wouldn't tolerate this sort of hurtful behaviour from either of my adult children. I'd send her one last card saying this would be my final contact with her with a copy of my new will included inside, leaving her 1p and the rest to my other child/grandchildren or a charity of my choice so that she fully understood the consequences of her actions.

I know money isn't everything but I would not be willing for someone who has behaved like this little madam to benefit from me in the future,

This almost seems like blackmail. Accept me back in your life, or else! If Dibbydod goes down this route and her daughter makes amends, she will wonder whether it is a genuine attempt at mending bridges or a mercenary effort for her inheritance.
A simple card, with no overly gushing rhyme, with love from Mum, would be my choice. Then see where it goes from there but be prepared for no response.

Rhinestone Tue 29-Sep-20 10:52:19

Thank you SmilelessMadgran and Yogagirl. I wound up having a good day in spite of the boys. Spent the day at a small town on the lake. It helps to get away from home when those special days come and you have to consciously stop yourself from thinking of the estranged ones in your life.