Daughter’s birthday, should I send her a birthday card ?

quizqueen....that's a bit ott isn't it.
You may not care about losing children, but I and most mums here do!

If you feel you need one more contact, then do it on a different day and do it with no guilt trips or expectations. Just a simple message about how important the relationship is to you, any apologies if you owe them, what you are willing to do with your daughter to help you move forward (counselling or mediation etc) and a clear statement saying you will not reach out again but are there when she is ready

I think this is good advice. I suppose you could consider sending a card with that message above on her birthday or on a different day, but I think the message is the right one

I am sorry you are dealing with this

i would be careful of making any contact.
what was it that she accused you of.
was it all related to how you were after yr partner died.
or are there other issues of longer standing, and that was the last straw, from her point of view.
is she still in contact with her brother. could he be a go-between.
i think you have to be willing to address her grievances honestly. and you don't sound like you are quite there yet.

Yes, send a card. Life's too short for this sort of situation to continue. Your daughter may have her fingers crossed that her birthday will be an opportunity for you and she to make up. Just a word of warning - she probably won't open your card on her birthday morning and decide to get on the phone to you immediately. It may take a while for her to come off her high horse and get in touch, so don't necessarily expect to much too soon. Best of luck! Daughters can be difficult.

I agree with those posters who have suggested sending a simple card with a simple message, then leave it at that. The ball is in her court. She clearly needs some time apart - giving it to her is the best way forward.

Thank you all for your advice , it helps me so very much x

Smileless2012

Hello Dibbydod. You really have been through a very difficult time which is ongoing in respect of your relationship with your D; I'm so sorry.

I cannot understand why any AC would be unable to accept an apology from their parent who was heartbroken and struggled to come to terms with the loss of their much loved partner.

Even if you'd never been particularly close, and please believe me when I say I am not suggesting that is the case, how could someone be so heartless!

The first birthday following estrangement is the hardest I think. That is when you have a huge decision to make; to send or not send a card. You need to be sure why you take whatever decision you decide upon.

There may understandably be a part of you that hopes she'll contact you if she gets a card from her mum. Even if you tell yourself you expect nothing, if you don't hear from her you're going to be hurt. How will that affect you? Will you be able to deal with this additional pain?

As it's your D whose decided to go no contact with you, is it likely that she'll be upset if she doesn't get a card? She may be more upset if one arrives in the post.

Of course you love and miss your D, estrangement has to be experienced before the depth of pain it brings can be understood.

We've been estranged from our youngest son and only GC for 7.5 years now and I can only speak from our personal experience when I say that with time, although the hurt and upset never goes away, it does diminish and the desire to be contacted by him, for me more than for Mr. S. has all but disappeared. We have never sent him a card for his birthday since he estranged us.

As you've posted, there would always I think be the fear that he would estrange us again and that would a constant cloud over any future relationship we could have. Then there's the prospect of constantly walking on eggshells for fear of saying or doing the 'wrong' thing.

If you do decide to send her a card be prepared to have it ignored. IMO you need to do what is right for you, whatever is going to help you get through this first birthday.

My advice would be to avoid a sentimental 'loving' card and to keep your own message short and sweet.

Take care of yourself.

Sorry smileless for being estranged from your son , what awful situation to find us in after all the years of bringing up our children with love and care . I’m certainly like you , in saying that any connection I would feel like I be walking on eggshells just in case say or do the wrong thing . I really don’t want to spend the rest of my life stressed over these things .

Reading lot of the replies , it seems that a simple birthday card with nice words be appropriate, so, will take the advice and do just that . Thank you ?

Since she sent you a text stating she will talk to you on her terms, I wouldn’t send her a card, I would leave things, I haven’t lost a partner thank goodness but as you say you were grieving quite understandably I feel she should have had some compassion towards her mum, you told her you love her and are very proud of her, I think I’d let the dust settle a bit longer , the balls in her court isn’t it, I hope things improve for you

quizqueen

I'm sorry but I wouldn't tolerate this sort of hurtful behaviour from either of my adult children. I'd send her one last card saying this would be my final contact with her with a copy of my new will included inside, leaving her 1p and the rest to my other child/grandchildren or a charity of my choice so that she fully understood the consequences of her actions.

I know money isn't everything but I would not be willing for someone who has behaved like this little madam to benefit from me in the future,

Quizqueen , yes I do agree with you in saying you wouldn’t tolerate this type behaviour in adult children , as to me , what my daughter has done to me is in some way unforgivable. It text her to say I was so sorry and that I love her , but her reply was ‘ it’s not reciprocated’ , then it was followed with so many hurtful remarks from her that I was left dumbfounded. I’d done so much for her and her female partner over the years , ok , we did have the odd cross word ,but, in my wildest dreams I never ever thought she would say such cruel and hurtful words to me , made so much worse as I was rock bottom with grief . As previously said , I’d always been a proud mother of my daughter and my son and what they have achieved .in life , this is not what I brought my children up to be , I’d brought them up to be decent and treat with respect . I’ve been so very heartbroken over the past months , missing my partner like no one would believe , but, my daughters behaviour is almost unforgivable, to me she is cruel and heartless . It’s so very hard to take in . X

Dibbybod

You say "I love my daughter dearly , have always been proud of her , and miss her terribly"

One gesture is better than no gesture.

Use the words from your thread above in a card. Nothing more.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Elegran

The best I can suggest is that you don't do anything that will make the situation worse. You say you might not send it, so that " she will hopefully feel some hurt to know how it feels" Why "punish" her? Would it really improve things? Would it even make you feel better? I doubt it.

If you do send the card, make sure that it doesn't say anything that reproaches her, but just sends her good wishes for an enjoyable day. That shows that you still wish her well, but without putting emotional blackmail on her to be nice to you

I may sound very unhelpful here, but I have to ask - How do you suppose we will know better than you whether you should send your estranged daughter a birthday card? We have never met either of you, and however much you post about the details of your estrangement, and your relationship with her, we cannot possibly make your decision for you.

Elgran, I’m only looking for open advice / opinions , obviously you don’t know me , but, then , none of us knows one another on this site .

I agree too

I agree with others saying send a neutral card and leave it at that for the time being

I would certainly send a simple card but, inside, I would just put "wishing you a very happy birthday, love mum".
No flowers, no saying how proud you are of her, just short and sweet so she knows you are thinking of her.
If it was my child, I would continue to send a birthday and Christmas card, with the same short message in, until asked not to

Your issues with your dd are not resolved

What do you expect the card to achieve?

Whar did the text message your dd say?

If it was me, I'd send a card and say how sad you are that she has cut you out of her life and isn't it time to bury the hachet? Life is too short. If she doesn't reply or acknowledge it, then you have your answer. Bet she contacts you when she wants her mum for whatever reason?

No.

how did you get on with her partner.
did you make contact at xmas.
i think you have to be v careful or it could become permanent.

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine. You talk about your grief and how hard it was for you, how hard was it for her? You were with him for 22 years so I'm assuming that she had a bond with him too. Perhaps your grief-driven behaviour at this time, which you admit was bad, combined with her own grief (it can be shocking to lose someone even if you weren't that close) was too much for her to handle. Try to feel some empathy for what she also went through.

Was your relationship with her good before? This answer kind of determines whether you should send a card or not. You say that you were always proud of them. However did you argue often? did she feel loved? If things were great and you were close before, I would actually send a card. I would send it with heartfelt apology for the hurt you caused her. No excuses or reasons for it, just a 'I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for you.'

If things weren't so great before your tragedy then I wouldn't send a card. I would respect her wishes and wait.

Quizqueen- I really don’t understand your rationale for doing that other than to ensure the relationship is permanently damaged. If your daughter has chosen to estrange herself from you (and is motivated by money) I would suggest that being removed from the will is already been weighed up in the decision making. The other way she may have read that is you trying to ‘buy a relationship’......

Never give up on your children

Ironflower

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine. You talk about your grief and how hard it was for you, how hard was it for her? You were with him for 22 years so I'm assuming that she had a bond with him too. Perhaps your grief-driven behaviour at this time, which you admit was bad, combined with her own grief (it can be shocking to lose someone even if you weren't that close) was too much for her to handle. Try to feel some empathy for what she also went through.

Was your relationship with her good before? This answer kind of determines whether you should send a card or not. You say that you were always proud of them. However did you argue often? did she feel loved? If things were great and you were close before, I would actually send a card. I would send it with heartfelt apology for the hurt you caused her. No excuses or reasons for it, just a 'I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for you.'

If things weren't so great before your tragedy then I wouldn't send a card. I would respect her wishes and wait.

Hi Ironflower , in answer to your question, yes, my relationship with my daughter had always been just fine , I was always there for her and helped out as and when I could , and she was the same with me , there had never been any arguments or real issues between us , until this ,I had always thought that things were fine between us , that’s why it came as such a shock . And no, she wasn’t particularly close to my partner . I have text her couple times to say I’m sorry if I’ve caused any hurt and to say that I love her , and please can we talk this through , but, it’s been ignored .

I've already said send a card with a simple message. Some people on here seem to think that the daughter should be cut off by Dibbydod.

But I feel that she should send a card in order to leave the door open. OK, so her daughter may never walk through it, but her daughter certainly won't if the door has been closed from her mum's side as well.

Hi Dibby
You may always have been proud of her but now is not the time to feel proud of her. She is letting herself down and you down by her treatment of you.

Young people and particularly young women have a real sense of entitlement these days and frequently give there mother's a hard time of it primarily because they know they can.

Love them but privately take your foot off the pride accelerator. Send a kind but neutral card with love from Mom or from your loving Mom. Your duty vs a vis her birthday is done and you have kept the door open
Pride in her won't currently serve you well as her recent behaviour is not nice.
Take care from Dawn.