Daughter’s birthday, should I send her a birthday card ?

Whitewavemark
Best comment of all. Love it. From Dawn

Dawn22

Hi Dibby
You may always have been proud of her but now is not the time to feel proud of her. She is letting herself down and you down by her treatment of you.

Young people and particularly young women have a real sense of entitlement these days and frequently give there mother's a hard time of it primarily because they know they can.

Love them but privately take your foot off the pride accelerator. Send a kind but neutral card with love from Mom or from your loving Mom. Your duty vs a vis her birthday is done and you have kept the door open
Pride in her won't currently serve you well as her recent behaviour is not nice.
Take care from Dawn.

Attitudes like these, regarding calling younger women entitled are exactly why so many conflicts happen between mothers and daughters or mother-in-law’s and daughter-in-law’s. Just accept the different generations do things differently.

I would send a card with the same sentiment as I would if there were no problem. This communication shows you love her, and always will, no matter what. Unconditional love. It may not be so the other way round, but that’s fine, it doesn’t necessarily work that way ‘ upwards’, but in my opinion, always should ‘ downwards’. You need to keep consistent, and avoid sliding into this, “ she hurt me so I’ll hurt her back” attitude. Rise above it if you can, and be the bigger person, as you’ve always been as mum and daughter. I’m so sorry for your loss, and hope you will find peace.

Toadinthehole

The daughter has indicated she doesn't want to talk to her mom until she's ready. Unwanted contact is harassment if the person has been told not to make contact. Doesn't matter what the intention is.

I don’t agree with you agnurse, but you’re entitled to your opinion. I used to get cards from my mum, even though there were problems. I saw it as a way back if I’d needed it. I didn’t, so no harm done. I did appreciate her trying in the only way she knew. What will be will be, whether cards are sent or not. I don’t see this as contact in the way you obviously do.

Let's make an analogy with "I will contact you when I am ready" and a cup of tea.

It might ring a bell to some posters as there is a similar effort in the internet to explain sexual consent and offering a cup of tea.

"I will contact you when I am ready"
"I will contact you when I am ready for a cup of tea"

OP is asking if she should send her dd a cup of tea (aka bday card)

Her dd said she would like a cup of tea when she asks for it, not when her mother is willing to offer her one.

It was good to read your post @ 12.27 Toadinthehole. We've never sent out ES cards but I know some EP's do and often get criticised for harassing their AC.

For those who don't contact their EP's telling them to stop, perhaps it's because they view it the way you did. You've provided an interesting perspective; thank you.

Dont totally get the cup of tea thing, but think it’s a bit OTT . You don’t “ask” for birthday cards anyway so it doesn’t work.
Surely a mother can send a greetings card without needing permission.

Let me rephrase

"I will contact you when I am ready"
"I will contact you when I want your cup of tea"

You can ask not to get bday cards/cup of tea. You can choose not to celebrate your bday, or how to celebrate it.

It is your prerogative as an adult. Choose how you would like to live.

A mother does not have permission to ignore those rules expecting no consequences for breaking the rules and ignoring what the other person wants.
No DNA link is strong enough for that magic wand to exist.

Send a card, with love.

Hithere

Let me rephrase

"I will contact you when I am ready"
"I will contact you when I want your cup of tea"

You can ask not to get bday cards/cup of tea. You can choose not to celebrate your bday, or how to celebrate it.

It is your prerogative as an adult. Choose how you would like to live.

A mother does not have permission to ignore those rules expecting no consequences for breaking the rules and ignoring what the other person wants.
No DNA link is strong enough for that magic wand to exist.

So harsh. I stand by my opinion.

In her OP Dibbydodd has said her D said "if and when" she decides to "talk" to her again "it will be on her terms".

No mention of any rules with regard to sending or not sending cards.

Smileless

If any adult child needs to specify what specific detailed rules would like to implement, it would take a whole encyclopedia

No talk
No smoke signals
No pidgeon messages
No cards
No text messages
No voice messages
No morse code
No magazine subscriptions
No presents
No third party messages
Etc

And yet, OP would find an action that is not in the list and use it as a loophole

You’re welcome Smileless. Hithere, your analogy makes no sense. Birthday cards are a non confrontational way of showing someone you still care even if they don’t. If you were banging on their door, refusing to move until they’d spoken to you, then you’d have a point. Like Smileless, If I was in that situation, I would never give up on my child. Attitudes toward a parent can be entirely different.

No giving up on your child has different meanings

For me, it means honest communication and cooperation yo have a good relationship

Sending a card does not address anything

Send her one you be the better person. We all have to live with ourselves and our actions. Good luck x

Hithere you give the impression of never wanting estranged families to be reconciled, and moreover of always assuming fault in the parent. Surely there is room for manoeuvre

That just about sums it up Lucca "always assuming fault in the parent".

I wonder why it's OK for an AC to tell their parent that when and if they decide to talk to them it will be on their terms. Can you imagine the flack if a parent posted on GN that that's what they'd said to their AC?

I don't think that's fair at all to say Hithere is anti reconsiliation.

My advice was to send no card and respect the child's adult decision.

This recommendation comes from an estranged child who talks to many other estranged children, the majority of whom get upset and/or angry when they receive cards they don't want.

If they are upset or angry with mum, whether or not mum agrees with why they are upset or angry, getting a card will just make most adult estranged children more upset and angry on what should be a happy day.

Then mum has even more negative emotion attached to them for not respecting their adult child's request for space.

This is the simple truth of the situation, give the adult child whatever kind of space they want and need right now and maybe they will come around.

That's pro reconsiliation, not anti.

A birthday card isn't what they need right now. What they need is space and time to figure things out. During this time, if they are owed an apology, this is what you should send, with an offer to really hear what they need to say to you, perhaps counsellimg/mediation and then a promise to not contact them and a hope they will contact you when ready.

This contact should come on a random boring day.

If they reply and what they need to say comes angry or with swearing, most parents should be able to cope with that and filter it out to see where the pain is coming from.

If parents can't truly listen, and respect their adult child's boundaries, then they probably need to get some sort of counselling and help to move forward and enjoy life without their child.

Doesn't matter if the adult child is right or wrong. You have to deal with how they feel now before you can get to whether they should feel that way.

Any good trained counsellor experienced in estrangement would probably advise this.

I used to get cards from my mum, even though there were problems. I saw it as a way back if I’d needed it. I didn’t, so no harm done. I did appreciate her trying in the only way she knew. What will be will be, whether cards are sent or not

That is interesting to see a measured and thoughtful response to the dilemma toadinthehole , allowing for the EPs perspective whilst sticking to meeting your own needs.

Thanks starblaze

I am very much pro reconciliation.

Hithere ultimately OP will choose the advice they want to follow.

It's not a competition, the winning advice doesn't get a prize.

Turning a post into an argument against advice people don't like or that doesn't align with what they want to do/have already done, will not help the OP at all.

?

Turning a post into an argument against advice people don't like or that doesn't align with what they want to do/have already done, will not help the OP at all

I think that is very true on any thread.

I think discussion threads are different to threads asking for advice really Madgran (unless it gets personal) but ok