Daughter’s birthday, should I send her a birthday card ?

Projecting all the bad stuff on to estranged parents, expressing negative feelings strongly, towards others. Healthy versus Unhealthy?

Iam64

I promise you that's not what is happening.

Its just that when estranged children have ideas on what might prevent estrangement or help move towards reconsiliation, we often get shut down no matter how it is said.

Besides, most of us have the same communication style no matter who we talk to and that is known.

As an aside, we are often told we cannot talk about our parents or how it impacts how we think on other threads yet not allowed to have our own threads either.

We get invalidated all the time and tumbleweeds drift past but we are held to very high standards, and often what we say is ignored by virtue of picking out one thing that could be seen as a sweeping generalisation or mean a bad thing, if you try hard enough... Yet we don't get asked to explain, and don't get believed if we do.

Not from all quarters I have to say, just a very few. I'm getting good at ignoring it and having a real open chat with others here.

Dibbydod, do you know if your daughter has been friendly with other young women who sideline awkward parents? If this behaviour is something new, it seems like she may have been influenced by others.
I agree with Dawn; keep the door open with a brief message and no more.
She will probably be in touch again, but don't try to hasten this as she needs to learn her lesson asap. Eventually she will learn however long it takes her.

Iam64 That's a very good point and I think you're probably spot on with your observation.

I've never seen an EAC told here on GN that they cannot talk about their parents.

No person or group has their own thread on GN, it's an open forum and everyone is entitled to post on any thread of their choosing.

The constant accusations of invalidation from some EAC together with claims of being ignored makes one wonder why, if GN is so unwelcoming they post here at all.

As for being ignored!! I haven't been responded too on a certain thread on the estrangement forum for a couple of days, not that that will deter me.

The reason is bought my daughter a small tad expensive little gift was because I knew she would like it and also was small enough to put inside her card . I didn’t post it just incase it become lost in the post , also I wanted put it in the letterbox myself as then I knew it was safe . The reason I’d bought her a little present was because I’d felt that I couldn’t just ignore her birthday as I’ve always bought her a gift of some sort , it was not my intention to ‘ buy’ her love or affection, just a feeling that it’s what I’d wanted to do . I don’t feel l that I was ‘ trespassing’ when I delivered the card as we had always felt comfortable in visiting one another. I’m not being awful when I say that I’m beginning to feel that I don’t ‘ like ‘ her , and that is because of the upset this has caused not only to myself , but to other members of the family also . She has never once gave any indication that she feels like this as whenever I have seen her she has always been happy and chatty . We are a small but close family and have always been there for one another . So, all that said, even though she has hurt me so very much, I’ve began to feel I’d rather not think about it , bit like burying my head in the sand, wether that’s good or bad is another thing , but, for me , considering all that’s happened , it suits me at the present time. Friends tell me to just leave her alone and let her own conscience prick .
Thank you all once again for your comments , I have read them all , youve e all been a great help and it’s good to know that there is GN to be able to post a problem or situation as its good to have others opinions . Thanks again. ?

Best wishes Dibbydod, if your daughter declines to contact you, it's her loss. Sounds like she's left a loving and warm family behind when she had her tantrum.

Dibbydod I really hope things do get better for you.

Dibbydod I’m proud of you. You did the right thing. You showed your care and love and we all know you truly meant it. I’m sorry your daughter chose not to respond but you are a role model for good behavior.
Keep doing what your heart tells you. We are not perfect people and maybe our children are disappointed when they grow up and realize that. You just feel good inside about your choice.

Starblaze I am shocked that you would say that you can’t talk about your parents on this thread. I responded to you about your mother. Who told you here that you can’t talk?
And why can’t you start your own thread? I didn’t there were rules against that.
Are you just saying this because you think you can’t or do you really know you can’t start your own?

Ok to all who are on this thread ... I am boiling mad. If you estranged yourself because of physical or verbal abuse you have justification for doing so. But if you are estranged for anything less you should be ashamed of yourself. Estranging yourself for trivial and petty things is ridiculous. Grow up and get yourself some counseling.
Get off this thread if you just want to whine and complain and take no action.
I have been on here for almost six years and have found the people on here to be genuinely loving and caring and supportive.
And the English language is ridiculous. What is that about?
The rest of us have pulled up our big boy or big girl panties and move on and support each other. If you can’t take the heat get out of the fire.
You know who you are !

Rhinestone it's a lot to unpick, it's not related to this thread specifically it it has happened on a few others which meant I shouldn't really have brought it up here... Hard to keep track of where I am at times. Happy to Pm as really don't want to derail people's threads.

Oh Rhinestone I just read your second comment.

Physical abuse. Check
Verbal abuse. Check
Sexual abuse but who is counting by this point.

Perhaps it would be safe to assume estranged children here have experienced abuse..

Otherwise no I don't know who you are talking about

Welcome back Rhinestone, good to see you posting again.

Rhinestone -- "I am boiling mad. If you estranged yourself because of physical or verbal abuse you have justification for doing so. But if you are estranged for anything less you should be ashamed of yourself. Estranging yourself for trivial and petty things is ridiculous. Grow up and get yourself some counseling." -- Why so angry? I have yet to meet an EAC who did so for "trivial and petty things". As for throwing around 'shame' and telling people to "grow up" I always find that offensive and many of Us have been through extensive therapy. Saying things like that invalidates the work some of Us have done.

"The rest of us have pulled up our big boy or big girl panties and move on and support each other. If you can’t take the heat get out of the fire.
You know who you are !" -- I am not as certain of that as you.

Rhinestone

Some of us have higher standards in our lives. I’m not going to feel bad for that.
We don’t need counselling.
The problem has been resolved by the CO. Easy peasy.

HollyHannah I HAVE been on here long enough to see some who like to stalk these posts and complain of trivial things.
I’m tired of hearing AC who are estranged tell us that we don’t respect them because we send cards or we are rude when we do that. Since when does the estranged child get to make the rules ? There are no rules when it comes to estrangement. Please stop berating parents who do loving things. If you don’t like what the EP say leave the thread.
Yes I left out sexual abuse but considered it physical Starblaze
BibbityI have no idea what you are talking about “ higher standards” and what is a CO?

Rhinestone
Abuse isn’t the only reason to cut off. If someone is making your miserable. If they don’t bring you happiness why should somebody suffer because of some pre conceived notion of ‘family’

Rhinestone advising estranged parents how contact is likely to be received by their child is concern for how their actions may make the situation worse and lead to further pain for the estranged parent.

So I'm afraid that's just your perception.

So I'm afraid that's just your perception

Isn't that the case for everyone's opinions and thoughts on the matter?

I found out this week that my mum has died. She died the day before I was told and due to some difficult and upsetting circumstances I received the news from a cousin. I was also unaware that she'd been admitted to hospital 3 days before.

Trying to get my head around what has happened, making funeral arrangements etc. has been a nightmare. I'm heartbroken and feeling very vulnerable. The very last thing I expected, was to receive an email from our ES.

I have no idea how I feel about this and didn't know whether or not to respond.

I have responded partly because I know how much it must have taken for him to contact me after more than 7 years. For me, that deed needed to be not just acknowledged, but appreciated.

Condolences Smileless and kind thoughts to you and all your family x?

smileless
You matter. You are grieving and I can’t imagine how you would even begin to process what has happened with your mum.

While what’s happened is brilliant please don’t put your needs and grieving process on the back burner to accommodate him now. If he is genuine he will go at your pace.

I am so sorry, Smileless.

We are here for you.

Rhinestone, no one needs to justify their choices to estrange.

You aren’t their judge.