Daughter’s birthday, should I send her a birthday card ?

I would suggest that you send one to her - then you are trying to keep the door open to her.

Hope things work out for you both Dibby

I agree with your post on 5th Aug. @ 2.34 Rhinestone.

There's no need as an adult to have any contact with someone whose abusive, but of course it's very hard to make that decision when you love the person who is abusing you.

For some EP's that decision to a certain extent, is made for us. We may be relieved that because our AC has estranged us, we are free from their and/or their partner's abuse; control and manipulation but that doesn't negate the pain we have for no longer having them in our lives.

Sending you good wishes Dibby and hoping that something positive comes from the card you've sent.

Just read through most of this.
Of course send her a card simply saying I am so sorry - Love you so much, miss you very much and best wishes for a happy and lovely birthday.
Think if I was the daughter, son, sister (any relative) of quizqueen I would be delighted to be estranged from her!!!

DibbydodJudt wondering how it went with your daughter. Did you send the card?

To Rhinestone , and for everyone else who kindly gave their opinions on this , yes , I did send her a card after , bought a nice quality card that with a picture on it that I knew she would like , but just with a simple message of Happy Birthday on the front, I’d also included small but expensive gift that I knew she would like , with a short note inside saying that “ I couldn’t just leave her birthday pass by and that I wish that she would contact me as I love and miss her “ I’d gift wrapped it up and put in the envelope along with the card .I’d wrote on the card ‘ with love from Mum xx “ . I just popped it in through the letterbox myself when she was not at home . That has now been month ago , and I’ve heard absolutely nothing from her in any which way or form .
Of course it hurt me badly , and at the worst time of my life after losing my beloved partner , I was at rock bottom and she knew that .......but that said , I’m hardening up towards her , I’m beginning to feel that I don’t “ like” her anymore , and I’m not even sure if I’d ever want her in my life again anyway . I’ve also removed all the photos of her about the house as I don’t want to be reminded of her . Sounds harsh , but , she has hurt me so very badly , so bad that only a mother could understand. I’m not an awful mum , I’m just human with human feelings. Hope you all understand . And thank you all , was a great help for me during that time. x

I'm sorry it didn't work out Dibbydod you are right to focus on your own life now

You did right I think, and can take comfort in that you tried. Give it time, and just get on with your life. All the best to you.?

It doesn't sound harsh Dibbydodd you must do what is right for you. I'm sorry that you didn't get a response but as Toadinthehole has posted you tried. You can do no more.

It's your daughter's loss Dibbydodd. You're probably right to be growing to actually dislike her; no matter what, she could have at least acknowledge the gift/card or, if she didn't want it, she could have sent it back. She knew the turmoil that you were going through when your partner was so ill but obviously felt that her needs were more important. No one has the need of a rude, selfish and unsympathetic person in their life, particularly a daughter.

Wow -- Talk about some unhealthy thinking. I guess whatever makes people 'happy'.

What "unhealthy thinking" would that be?

Best not to ask Smileles!

Well it was a rhetorical question; I'm pretty sure I know the answer Chewbacca.

Holyhannah, you seem to relate other people’s situations directly to your own, and while I don’t underestimate the degree to which you are hurt, your template doesn’t fit everyone’s situation.
You need kindness in your situation, and so does Dibbydod.
I wish you both ..... hard to know what to say .... but some degree of serenity is what I would hope for you. Hope this doesn’t offend either of you or anyone else.

AviaParva -- If someone is saying things that are troubling from a mental health perspective, what else can I think? Healthy is healthy and unhealthy is just that.

If some don't see the problematic statements and how that MAY be affecting their relationships with their Adult Children then how can there be hope for reconciliation/improvement in that relationship? That is the stated goal of most EP's.

"No one has the need of a rude, selfish and unsympathetic person in their life, particularly a daughter." -- Talk about judging someone you don't know! Maybe and equally so, daughter is thinking the same because as everyone always says, "We've only heard one side."

"We've only heard one side."

Isn't that the truth HolyHannah!

Unfortunately, a lot of estranged children are just made very uncomfortable by unwanted mail, calls or coming to the house because it disrespects boundaries. Thats just the truth.

If you have been asked for no contact or it has become clear that no contact is wanted then I would always advise one final contact with everything you want them to know:

Any deserved (no if or but) apologies.
No guilt trips.
Offers for joint counselling.
A declaration of love.
An assertion that you will be there when they are ready and not until then.
Short but sweet.

Then make that the last thing they get/remember...

Leave that at the front and centre when they think of you..

Don't replace it with unwanted contact and their anger.

Before I estranged, I just asked for space... I didn't get it. It really didn't help

If you read Dibbydodd's post @ 16.28 today Starblaze, you'll see that she did make one last attempt to reconnect with her daughter and it has brought no response. Her post also goes on to say what course of action she intends to follow now. She has made it quite clear that she has no intention of "replacing it with unwanted contact and their anger^ and I'm not sure why you've got the impression that she will?

Starblaze -- I think it goes back to healthy versus unhealthy. Unhealthy continues to pursue and healthy accepts the answer of, "No. I don't want contact with you." No response is "that".

I think it was a general warning of what can happen with further contact. I don't see anywhere where it was suggested that OP would continue to reach out.

Not everything is an attack/accusation... All I did was point out that there was some unhealthy thinking going on here. I never said by whom or what particular part was the "troubling bit" and yet people have made all sort of assumptions and nobody has spotted/addressed 'it' so I will leave it in the hands of those who said what they did to self-reflect.

Holyhannah it was definitely a general "you". I keep trying to avoid them, it's just that the English language is completely ridiculous.

I hear you

That was a you you not a general you

OP,

I am not trying to be harsh.
Believe or not, I am trying to help you.

I am sorry to say that the message you wrote in the card was very inappropriate. The expensive present even more (could be seen as trying to buy her love and manipulative)
Furthermore, you dropped it yourself in her mailbox, it wasnt even mailed. It could be seen as a violation of her own home and territory.

This is the problem with communication between estranged parties.
In your case, as you wanted to send her a card, a mere "happy birthday" would have been sufficient, without a present and via mail.
Short message and to the point, to let her know you love her.
Instead, you went with all guns blazing.

This is why many AC do not want any communication with their estranged parties - a bday, merry xmas, graduations, etc
EAC are contacted with the excuse of those happy occasions but the message has nothing to do with that occasion.

She knows where to find you.
I know you sent it with the best of your intentions but it may not be interpreted thr same way by the receiving party.
Have you ever heard "the road to hell is paved with good intentions"?

Hithere -- Please smack ME in the side of the head... In my normal, never thinking "all bad" on semi or fully NC'd parents, I actually miss-read what OP said in the follow-up statement.

I thought she said, "I included a small and INEXPENSIVE gift." which is not 'great' when an AC is low/no contact...

Upon reread -- "I’d also included small but expensive gift." -- WOW.

I was more looking at the, "I’m beginning to feel that I don’t “ like” her anymore" statement. My 'mom' used to actually say to my sister, "I 'love you' but I don't like you." and how can you truly love something you don't even like. Dysfunction/unhealthy thinking from my POV.

The self-reflection question I was curious to hear an answer to was, "You didn't 'dislike' your daughter before now. So what is she doing in 'the now' that is making You 'dislike' her?"

And the answer is nothing except to NOT respond to someone she clearly does not want to interact with -- whether she is right or wrong in her justifications.

If that is enough to make daughter unlikable or rude, selfish and unsympathetic then WOW. That is a lot of one-way judgement towards the 'not parent' in the relationship.

"Furthermore, you dropped it yourself in her mailbox, it wasnt even mailed. It could be seen as a violation of her own home and territory." -- AGAIN another aspect I missed.

"I know you sent it with the best of your intentions but it may not be interpreted the same way by the receiving party." -- Unhealthy thinkers never consider that because if the "receiving party" doesn't like what they 'got' then THEY are ungrateful and it allows the NC'd to become/portray themselves as a victim...

Its like being set up to fail. Not something I'm not used to.