Putting up with the unacceptable

The topic of this thread is P's/GP's putting up with their AC's unacceptable behaviour for fear of being estranged and losing their GC.

It isn't about, or the same thing as AC estranging an abusive parent and wanting to protect their own children. It's about AC abusing a parent/GP and using their own children as way to get what they want, which is an abuse of their children as well as their parent(s).

Starblaze My point was that some adults don't look after themselves and allow themselves to be worn down by their feelings/thoughts.

Dinahmo I do agree with you there, I really do

Individuals have to make their own minds up on this one according to their own situation and personality.
Maybe in the end it comes down to what one's main priority is, what one can tolerate to achieve that priority, how much one is willing to tolerate to achieve that priority ....and what is the best thing for any children involved, within the particular individual context.

I do agree that it is crucial that children are not dragged in to the problems.

I also understand why some will tolerate considerably more than they would in other circumstances. Not generally being an eggshell treading person, it is interesting how eggshells can become a way of life if needs be!

I do agree that it is crucial that children are not dragged in to the problems oh so do I Madgran which makes it so difficult for GP's in these situations because it's their GC's parents who drag them in, by using their very existence to control/manipulate/abuse them.

It must be a nightmare eggshell walking and always worrying about cracking one of them unintentionally and then fearing the consequences.

When I say that I dont think children should be dragged in to any problems, I am aware that that actually is the children's parents responsibilit( ie the AC). What I meant was that when GPs who are suffering abuse from AC, with grandchildren being used as "tools" in the dispute, that fact may influence the decisions that GPs make about how they deal with things.

Dinahmo yes, I agree, I think some adults sadly do not care enough for their own emotional health in such situations ....and each individual has to make decisions on how to proceed within their own context

Crossed posts Smileless ?

Shows that 'great minds think alike' Madgran

i wonder if those GPs who are living alone, are more susceptible to this of manipulation perhaps.

i mean those who do not have a partner/close companion for support at home, to resist the emotional blackmail.

I think that's a good point welbeck. It must be much harder if you live alone and also if the AC in question is an only child.

Until I joined GN about 4 years ago I didn’t even realise ‘estrangement’ was a thing.

It’s horrid. Toxic relationships in some family groups must be awful day to day. I truly don’t know how some families come to this/learn to navigate it.

Urmstongran -- Yes. Toxic families and relations are brutal to navigate and often never get resolved.

Unfortunately mismatched perceptions and expectations often lead to conflict. It takes two sides to make a healthy relationship work. It only takes one side being 'bad' to destroy any hope of fixing things.

That said, when abuse is flowing both ways? That's where it gets harder to fix things. Both sides have to accept there is an issue and work from both their 'sides' to rebuild a new bridge.

Accepting that the "old bridge" is broken and the need for a new one exists is certainly a challenge I have faced.

i mean those who do not have a partner/close companion for support at home, to resist the emotional blackmail

That's a good point welbeck. I suppose, logically, a single GP would invest more of their time and attention on their only child and their family and so possibly expects more from the relationship than a GP who has a life partner. It would make an interesting study to see what the statistics are on that.

It is as you say Urmstongran horrid. It was our estrangement that first brought me to GN, to a thread started by an EP/EGP.

Although reading the sad and painful experiences of other EP's/EGP's there was some comfort in the knowledge that we were not alone and to begin with, that's what you think.

Toxic relationships are awful to deal with day to day which is why at least for us, despite the pain of losing our son and only GC, we are thankful that that is something we no longer have to live with.

With regard to parents/GP's putting up with unacceptable behaviour, being emotionally blackmailed to dance to their AC's tune, it seems to me that as long as this is working and the AC is getting what they want, there's no need for them to change their behaviour.

Chewbacca

^i mean those who do not have a partner/close companion for support at home, to resist the^ emotional blackmail

That's a good point welbeck. I suppose, logically, a single GP would invest more of their time and attention on their only child and their family and so possibly expects more from the relationship than a GP who has a life partner. It would make an interesting study to see what the statistics are on that.

While I think a single GP COULD be more vulnerable to accepting poor treatment, I think it’s important to remember that not all GPs are retired with time to brood.

I’m very distracted with my work most of the time. I even worked through a lot of my cancer treatment and in between surgeries. Teaching is such a ‘throw yourself in’ job, it blocks out the world so I could easily use it to distract myself from family trauma, and have done in the past. It’s great to be able to switch off from it.

I’ve made a conscious choice to tolerate what I believe is unreasonable behaviour in order to maintain a relationship with my GS. Nothing to do with having an empty life at all.

I'm not very good at playing doormat, neither do I think it's necessary or healthy.

I couldn't/wouldn't tolerate it for long

You're right GagaJo; in reading it back, I should have said could rather than would. And yes, I agree that having less time on our hands to ruminate on things is definitely beneficial and helps to disperse intrusive introspective thoughts. I do hope everything works out for you in the long term.

No, nor me MissA but I've always had a good relationship with DS and family and, whilst I can't imagine them ever using me as an ATM cash point or using the GC as a "weapon" or tool in any dispute, I don't suppose those who are going through it could ever imagine it either.

Fair point, yes.
These things usually build up over time, too, so you kind of get desensitised, bit by bit.

Each to their own MissAdventure. I couldn’t look back in 10/20 years time and bear the thought that I hadn’t done everything I could to stay in my grandsons life. For reasons of love and duty.

Again, fair point gagajo.
I'll shut me gob.

You never fail to make MissA!

My great aunt unfortunately is still going through this after 19 years. Her son (intellectual disability) married a lady and it was fine until they had kids. Her DIL demanded my great aunt fill their fridge, buy the kids school supplies, make their car payment etc. if she ever tried to say no DIL would respond with "I guess the kids can't come and see you then." She has given them everything. All of her money goes to them. Her husband (my uncle) passed away 13 years ago. Oldest GC is now 18 and so she can have a relationship outside of the parents but she still pays because she's afraid that the children will go without. She has a good bond with her gc but she has nothing to show for her money.

My MIL has accused me of using my kids as pawns against her, but from my perspective I’m keeping them safe from a toxic and abusive grandparent. I’ve never asked her for anything other than to stop behaving so badly with the tantrums she throws when she doesn’t get her way. How could she interpret that as me using my kids as pawns?