Putting up with the unacceptable

Thanks for the confirmation Smileless, I really hope my middle son will get the help he needs. Unfortunately I can not do anymore than I have done and we are at a stage where anything I do that's kind is massively disrespected. I am relieved he's not speaking to me in a way because the one way relationship and all the verbal abuse was grinding me down.

I do miss my GS and hope that things can in time be resolved. I don't expect a reconciliation with my ES as I believe his father has coercive control over him and he is also married to a controlling wife!

I feel sorry for my DIL. She has sent me some messages but I think something is being lost in translation. I am able to understand some of what she says, like she doesn't like anger and wants family harmony. I think she will do anything my son says because she is scared he will take the baby. He already took him away when he was a week old because he didn't want HER parents to meet him for the first time. I only found that out last month...Poor girl, she has no one in this country apart from us- and him. But he is very jealous and controlling, so is unlikely to allow her to talk to anyone- and because of covid they won't have opportunities to mix at all.

OMG how awful, she must have been beside herself with worry. I can feel my fingers tingling with anger. I can only imagine what I'd have done if my D's husband did that to her, her baby and our GC.

Probably a good thing I was never put in that position. Presumably her parents, like you are now, didn't want to 'make waves' and make the situation any worse.

There just don't appear to be any answers unless she removes herself and the child from this abusive relationship.

I've pm'd you.

@Smileless Her family were against him and he said they beat him up. At the time he made it sound like they were victimizing him- but now I know he tried to stop them seeing the baby! Some of them had driven hundreds of miles! I'm absolutely devastated that he took a week old baby away from his Mum. His view was that her family were dangerous to the baby, but I think that was his Mental Health rather than a fact. They had driven a long way to visit them but he did not want them to hold the baby. He told me on the phone that they were dirty and dangerous to the baby, but they were abroad at the time so I wasn't there . I even wondered if he had some form of postnatal depression ( if that's even possible?) as he seemed to have severe anxiety about the baby's wellbeing- but didn't do rational things.

I have never met her family, but I know they had concerns about him. I would think that she must now be realising that it wasn't just her family he didn't get along with and that he actually gets along with no one. Hopefully he gets some help and things change.

Lava, How sad that youvare estranged from two of your sons, hopefully, in time your elder son will reconnect with you. Your middle son is much better away from your home. I feel sorry for his wife and son, she needs help from her family getting away from him before he ruins their life's any more. Enforce everything Smileless has said really. You have a younger son, is that relationship good? The younger one most likely didn't go through what the rider two with an abusive dad. You say your second marriage was good and that no doubt had a greater influence on him. I do hope you still have your husband to be a shoulder. Don't go blaming yourself, you have given everything, they are grown up, the balks in their court. You value yourself, try not to keep looking back at what ifs, enjoy the day, what you do have,look to the future when this awful Covid has gone. In the end our children leave and pursue their own paths. I am not estranged from my two, but see little of them, I have to tell myself quite often this won't change but confess when I see close knit families I wonder if I made them too independant and that's how they see me. It's hard getting everything right but I think most parents do the best they can with love in their hearts.

Sorry endorce not enforce.

....most parents do the best they can with love in their hearts beautifully out Sparkling and so true.

@Sparkling thanks and yes I have a good relationship with my youngest child. You are right, he didn't go through the same things.
I think you're definitely right that most parents do their best with love in their hearts. I'm glad for you that you're not estranged from yours. I think it's normal for relationships to change, but I never saw it coming that my older ones would estrange. No doubt my vengeful ex had a lot to do with the eldest and the middle seems to copy his brother in many things.