SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

@Rhinestone So sad to hear it wasn't the correct info that your son had left Qanon. I'm really sorry to learn that's not the case. It must be such a lot to take on with your Mother's hallucinations on top of everything else

No I have not confronted my Mother. I cannot win this. If I say anything she does not like, she will 100% involve my siblings again to bully me if I do. None of them need the stress as they are close to the edge right now themselves- and I cant take a lot more either, so I won't be saying anything. She's far enough from me that I won't be seeing her anytime soon but I sent her flowers because it's Mothers Day on Sunday.

I have decided that next time she says something really hurtful, I might repeat it back to her in a reflective type of way. I doubt she will speak to me at all as I seem to be sent to Coventry (the story of my life!) but I'll have a go. She hasn't acknowledged the flowers, but I got a notification that they were delivered. (*why am I not surprised?*

Onwards did I say I got trolled by my daughter in law on another forums thread on Gransnet. Never made a secret about me being on Gransnet. And my kids knew what I would use as a username. As I said it's what my husband called me.

I am on one of the house and home threads. I joined Gransnet after my house sale fell through the second time and I was at the end of my tether. Found help, support and friendship as I have here.

That's how I got tricked into finding out she had been writing vile things about me on Reddit. This was back in June she had been doing it for over a year then. Gransnet sorted it out for me and deleted her posts and gave them all her details.

I am still on that thread this one and the pears ,plus I pop up on others if I can help or support anyone. I only talk about what I know or have experienced.

Don't feel you have to disappear because someone will find out its you. If you do that then they win. And don't let someone do that to you.

If you don't want to openly post. I PM Smiles long before I openly posted on here. PM who you think can help you. I am sure from what I have read anyone on here will reply to you. ?

Hi Whiff, I did read that about your DIL writing about you on Reddit and I'm so sorry. That must have been really painful.

To be honest, I've a life history of hiding as I hid a lot as a kid- as an adult I fight with myself not to do it and I think the adult is winning. A lifetime of being emotionally unavailable, but am having therapy now to try and undo the mess.

I didn't want to end up on the estrangement forum (no one ever does, I'm sure!) I'm not totally sure I should be here as I'm having low contact rather than no contact. You are all very kind and lovely

Onward of course you should be on here. I am only here because of Smiles help. And the understanding,support and friendship from everyone else keeps me going.

Hope the therapy is helping you. But no matter how old we get we can change and adapt . Life is to be lived.

Everyone does seem lovely, yes it is helping, thanks

I definitely agree, we can change and adapt. Learning new ways is a good way to thrive not just survive. I've just about survived for years, but thriving would be better.

Onward is there something you have always wanted to try? Doesn't matter how small or silly. Could be a new food or learning a craft or even just rearranging the cushion or pictures. Just something different . Like turning left inside of right when you live your home. It's hard I know to change. But just doing a little something can give you a huge sense of achievement. Then you find you want to do something else and as time goes on it gets easier. Doesn't have to be everyday but say once a week.

When I think of all the firsts I have done over the last 17 years I sometimes wonder how I did it. But I then think why did I take so long on doing some of the things.

Someone once said they thought I was brave but it's not bravery but stubbornness that keeps me going.

Don't know if I am making sense. But hope you can understand what I am trying to say.

Thanks Whiff, I'll give it some thought. I think stubborness can be a very good thing.
There is not much I'd want to change except getting better at relationships with other women and not wanting to run, so overcoming the baggage is the main thing.

Well I'm a woman and we seem to be communicating well and you are still writing and posting here so I think you have started.?

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Madgran I think your suggestions of what to say are very good.
My DM is still in the psych ward of the hospitals. I can’t visit because of the virus. I texted my ES again to update him as he asked that I do that. I asked if I could call him and tell him over the phone but he said to just text him simple details. So I did. He is not interested in me just his grandmother so I get it. My X has said this is the week my ES is supposed to be evicted from his house. If he doesn’t go my X has to go to court. There aren’t too many places that are available because of the pandemic. And there aren’t too many places that will take my ES with a dog, no job and no money coming in . Why my X waited until a pandemic to evict him is beyond me.
By the way when my ES started giving me Quanon info although he didn’t say Quanon , I didn’t respond. I gave him a thumbs up emoji to pacify him. I want going to respond and get into all that.

Silly me thought I was strong enough to watch a video of my son's 2 eldest boys this morning. Seems I am not yet. Heard my son's voice and burst into tears. No watching videos for some time.

Thank goodness for my daughter, son in law and 2 grandson's. Had a lovely time with her and the boys yesterday.

Funny how I thought I was strong enough. Should have know better. Also got another kidney infection. I could blame it on that but that would be a cop out. And I face things head on. Try again in 6 months. See how I feel then.

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Whiff I am sorry it was painful. Sometimes though those tears are part of getting beyond tears.

Rhinestone Thankyou! I am sorry you have so much worry and upset with your ES and with your DM.

Madgran thank you wise words. ?

@Rhinestone

So sorry you can't visit your Mum at the moment. It sounds like you have such a lot going on. There is a homeless charity called St Mungos that will take people and dogs as they recognise the importance and bond of a pet and owner.

I don't blame you, not getting into the whole Qanon stuff. I suspect my son is also affected by them, or something similar and I use similar tactics. www.politico.com/news/magazine/2021/02/19/qanon-conspiracy-theory-family-members-reddit-forum-469485 and from that I found this www.reddit.com/r/QAnonCasualties/

Sharing here in case its any help. Glad you had a lovely time with your DIL and GC Whiff , but so sorry for your pain

I don't know any of your histories so please excuse me if I speak out of turn. Am not 100% I should be here at all really considering I'm only LC.

Onwardandupwardand Madgran*Thank you . I live in the states and we too have the visiting dogs. They aren’t letting anyone visit because of the virus. I’m a wreck from all of this. This week my ES is supposed to leave his dads. If not my X will take him to court. I finally gave in to my DH and friends urging me to call my doctor and get some meds for my stress. I am not going to communicate first anymore to my ES. He can text me if he wants to know about his grandmother.
Smiles How is your DH and his mother?

Onwards if being here helps you stay. Just because you are low contact ( think that what LC means). I know how much reading this thread since May and contacting Smiles and then posting has helped me. This is a safe place with lovely people.

Rhinestone glad you are getting help with your stress. It won't be forever. And am sure your husband and friends are happy you are taking a positive step forward. Deciding not to contact your son is also a positive move. Heart breaking but it's better for you and those that love and care for you.

My son said zero contact so that's what he had got. For all he and my daughter in law have hurt me pales in comparison to my husband dieing.

Lost half of myself and still feel that way after 17 years. But I love my life and no matter what life throws at us you just have to get on with it. I made my husband a lot of promises and have kept them.

What doesn't kill us makes us stronger and I believe that. Might get a bit bent but not broken.

Take care all of you. ?

Afternoon everyone, hope you're all OK.

I needed to take a few days away from the estrangement forum as the coverage of that interview took it's toll and mother's day was the final straw. It hasn't bothered me for sometime so feeling low on Sunday was a bit of a surprise TBH which I've put down to everything being intensified by lock down.

I'm sorry your mum is still in hospital Rhinestone and that do to Covid you're unable to visit. Does it give you any peace of mind knowing that she's in a medical environment where she, and her meds are monitored? I hope so.

You've been dealing with your mum and your ES for some time now so it's bound to be taking its toll. I hope the medication you're on will help with your stress and that you'll be able to wait for your ES to contact you, despite being anxious as he has to leave his dad's this week.

Of course you should be here Onwardandupward. In some ways I would think that being LC is harder than having no contact at all.

Oh Whiff I'm so sorry that the videos upset you. There were certain songs and artists I couldn't listen too for years after our estrangement because I'd be reduced to a blubbering wreck.

Thought I was past all that but just a few weeks ago while doing my exercises a song came on that made me cry. "Might get a bit bent but not broken". I love that Whiff and will say that to myself whenever I look in the mirror and are taken aback by my reflection.

"Sometimes though those tears are part of getting beyond tears" that's lovely Madgran.

Rhinestone

*Onwardandupward*and Madgran*Thank you . I live in the states and we too have the visiting dogs. They aren’t letting anyone visit because of the virus. I’m a wreck from all of this. This week my ES is supposed to leave his dads. If not my X will take him to court. I finally gave in to my DH and friends urging me to call my doctor and get some meds for my stress. I am not going to communicate first anymore to my ES. He can text me if he wants to know about his grandmother.
Smiles How is your DH and his mother?

So sorry @Rhinestone I am in England and forget that other people might not be. I really hope there is a similar type of help there. So sorry for your stress and FWIW I think taking a step back is a good thing, to focus on your own needs.

@Whiff thanks so much and I am really sorry for the loss of your other half. Good that your keeping your promises to your husband.

@Smileless so sorry for the pain that the interview has caused. I think it's caused many people pain on many levels.

At first I was very against them for what they said but I may be mellowing. I think it would have been better if they did not speak publically (poor Queen and RF!) but if they felt they were not happy, it's good they've put their MH first. From my own personal experience of being LC, I know that it's possible to feel stronger without certain people having as much influence in your life.

Maybe the Queen, for all her duty would rather H was happy away from the RF than his MH suffering with them, if it even IS that.... I'm a bit confused and divided by it as I read another forum where it was talking about King Soloman and the two women who wanted the baby. He said that the real loving mother wanted the baby to go to the other woman. A real sacrifice, though.

I am rambling! to you all!

Hope your sadness lifts again soon smileless ?

It must be truly hard that estranged people are happier without us and just off living life. I know my mum is probably not caring about me at all because she didn't before so that won't change. I'm happier in my life without her but always wishes I could have a good mum instead of her.

I think they must be happier or theyd come back, sorry to say it.

Ive spent most of my life being sent to Coventry /shunned/silent treatment by my Mum. I feel Ive come to terms with it and accept " it is what it is" I can never be accepted by her truly unless I am not true to myself and become what she wants.

I also wished the same Armadillo, but at the same time find it very hard to trust women, especially Mother aged women.

Well done for being happy without her. She might not be good for you, so work on accepting what is. She probably had a flawed upbringing and that might have been her best shot. Some relationships are just so painful!

Smiles glad you are feeling better. It's funny not funny ha ha but you think things from your past have been dealt with and suddenly they raise there ugly head. And you feel.like you have been hit by a ton of bricks.
I was trying to help someone on a breavenment thread . And wham it hit me a tidal wave of loss. But it was worth it because I have had the most lovely PMs from her saying my words helped her.

It surprise's me that my words have helped some people because I know when it comes to.writting things down I can never seem to get to the point quickly.

My mother's day was Tuesday as my daughter helps out at a Covid centre every 4 weeks and they had a spare vaccine and offered it to her as everyone else who worked there had had it. So wasn't surprised to get a phone call on Sunday saying she was still.in bed. Said she felt worse than when she had Covid. But I had a nice day.

Got men paving my gardens . They think today it will be finished. Started Monday last week. But as with any work it's the ground works which takes the longest. The concete was 7" thick they dug up I measured it. Everywhere is flat no more trip hazards . My grandson loved it seeing them work. He helped with the tea and shouted them when it was ready. What I loved was they talked to him like an adult and answered his questions and explained how the grinder worked. He's 3.

Both my dad and husband where brought up without love . My dad suffered malnutrition and he never called it abuse but he's father and step mom didn't spare the rod. He was so badly beaten round the head he ended up with a hole behind his right ear and was deaf in it. My husband was only told he was loved by his mom the day he died and he was unconscious. He only had a kiss and cuddle on his birthday and Christmas.

So bad childhoods in my experience don't mean bad parents. My dad found out what a real family was when he met my mom. My husband found with me and my family all the love and affection he never had. My dad never raised a hand to either my brother or me. We where told daily by our parents we where loved and they where proud of us. My husband said when we have children they where going to be brought as I was. Our children where told daily they were loved and proud of them. Still tell my daughter I love her everyday.
My grandson's always know I love them.

That's what I find so hard with what my son has done. He had all the love and attention any child could wish for even after his dad died. Once they where 16 they were free to make their own decisions. If they needed help and advice it was freely given. We didn't ask questions it was up to them if they wanted to tell us things. I continued on the same after my husband's death.

When I think of all the stupid doomed to failure things my son and daughter did before and after they got married . I never said that's stupid and don't do it. And when it ended in disaster never said told you so.

I can't fault them as parents as my grandson's where loving , had wonderful manners , well looked after and assume the baby is to.

And know I don't now how to end this.

Have a good day everyone ?

Daughter in law not daughter. My daughter is the most level headed woman any one could wish to meet.

@Whiff
Thats nice you have been so helpful on a bereavement thread and had such lovely feedback, Whiff. Your daughter sounds very kind, too. I also find it hard to get to the point and I think my last post was a bit rambly.

It must be nice to have your parent tell you they love you every day. I've never had that, but would love to have had supportive parents. No one can know why people do the things they do, but maybe they see things differently or perhaps they were influenced by someone else. I suppose the reason doesn't even make it easier. In my case, I've never matched up or been accepted in the first place- so it's not been me doing the distancing.

Once my mother moved away and didn't give me a forwarding address. She didn't even say she was going. It took me a long time to get over that. If I am ill, I am on my own because she doesn't have the capacity to deal with anything. Currently hiding my health problems from her because it will be used against me.

It's difficult to say these things because there's the thought that people will judge or think that no mother is capable of these things, but sadly they are and I know a few people who have similar issues, even being bullied at deaths door.

I can tell you aren't like this, but it does happen You sound very wise and kind, Whiff.

And I want to add, that even though I have been ignored for most of my life, I have not retaliated or done the cold shoulder in return.

I have counselling and keep my end open. I can't change her but I can change me and move on the best I can. I will never get another mother, so I don't believe in estrangement.