SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

Its good to see rhinestone back (what a swim that must have been) and hello 3nanny6 we don't know each other well yet but thanks for your posts on this thread and the domestic abuse thread
Here's hoping the support aim of this thread can be maintained.

3nanny don't ever feel that you can't share your pain or ask for support. It's a shame when things degenerate into arguments but there are plenty of people who do want to hear you and not pick a fight. Nobody can tell you how to feel and your pain is as valid as anyone else's. I am glad you have found things to take comfort in, and I sincerely hope that one day there will be a way forward for you and your daughter. I'm so sorry your DH is so poorly, as I'm sure everyone is.

I can't think anyone would think you were judging PF - I certainly don't. You have so much on your plate, of course you deserve a safe place to come for support. I mean it's just one thread. Anyone can start any thread they want. I don't think it's too much to ask for one where we give support and leave the debates elsewhere.
I see you moving on in your relationship with your DD all the time, though of course you still feel pain, and opening up again to someone who put you in that position of pain, no matter their reasons or the fact that was not their intention, is still a very hard thing to do. I see your courage and the love in your desire to forgive and move on.

And yes, many of us have smiles to thank for the right word a the right time when we needed it and she knew how to reach out. There are people who will disagree with you or your ways of doing things smiles and that is their right. But someone who can reach out to offer solace to others whilst suffering themselves is pretty heroic in my book, and you do it all the time.

Hello Iam, yes I do hope the support can be the focus.

To all friends who may be reading and not feel at a place to post right now, thinking of you, wishing you well, and hoping to see you again soon. x

I'm really sorry, my sentence
I'm so sorry your DH is so poorly, as I'm sure everyone is.
was intended for PF
Because of my sight impairment I have to make use the screen hugely magnified and wear very strong specs with another pair of specialist overspecs on top. This means that no matter how hard I check I cock things up a lot.
I am so sorry.

Hugshelp : I do thank-you for your message all I can say is today I had a proper wobble (hope you understand that terminology) perhaps because people are talking about Christmas and the lovely family Christmases my family always spent have not happened for the last three years.
Just too long a story to go into right now.
You have done one thing today for me Hugshelp and that is to make me laugh.

Your sentence saying how your DH is so poorly came in my message and instantly I knew that part was for PF.
My own husband died many years ago so he is past the point of being poorly. I had chances to re-marry but I never
fully felt the need. Men are good as friends but at the end of an evening I like them to go home to their own house/flat
and leave me to relax with the dogs and some horlicks.

Of course Smileless is always here and can offer such kind words of solace even when she has had her own suffering to deal with. I think she said she is away for a few days lets hope the weather keeps good for her.
I hope to get outdoors myself it always tends to perk me up a bit.

Christmas is a hard time 3nanny. It was not long before Christmas when our son estranged himself, saying, "I'm angry with you but I'm not sure why. I need time to think about things and I'll talk to you when I'm ready, probably by Janurary' - that was a few years ago, still waiting. And every Christmas that goes by I just think of how it was supposed to be just a few weeks. Yes I'm very familiar with having a wobble about Christmas. xxx

Lovely to see a kind support thread emerging, thank you ladies for past support, although nothing has changed . I did find posting on the estrangement thread very stressful, so stopped.
Sending hope and strength to get through the difficult days.?

I really need support coping with estrangement. My daughter cut off all contact with me and the rest of the family 18 months ago. She refuses us access to our grandchildren. At the beginning I had counselling to help me get through but even now the pain is sometimes unbearable. I have 2 wonderful sons and regularly see them and their children but still miss daughter and other grandchildren so much.

Thanks hugs for your lovely post. Sometimes it seems like one step forwards, two step backwards, but hopefully it is the other way round. I am sure that your DS will be back into your life, but the waiting and uncertainty is so hard, isn't it, especially when you don't really know why it all happened. It is the not knowing, the inability to have a conversation to try to find out, to put things right, that is so difficult.

Mary62, welcome to the thread and I am so sorry that you are suffering so much, but you will find lots of friends and support here.

Mary62, you're not alone in feeling pain that sometimes feels unbearable. It's like a bereavement without any of the rituals that help us through. It's also not easy to talk with others about, to avoid feeling judged, even though there is no reason to feel that.
Don't rule out further counselling if that feels right and yes, you'll get support here.

Lovely to see you Bridie22. Those words, 'nothing has changed', how we must all resonate with that. Even those that have found things have eventually changed must have been wearing that phrase for such a long, painful time. Nothing changed for me either. Thinking of you being in the same boat. x

Welcome Mary62. I am so sorry to hear of your estrangement. I don't think anyone who hasn't experienced it can image what the pain is actually like. And the shock. And the sheer depth of how much you miss them. I am glad you have had some help from the counselling and the love of your sons and their children. I think we often do have to focus the best we can on the things we do have to get through the days, take what good there is in life. But the pain is always there and we need an outlet for it sometimes. A place we can say, but it hurts so much, and we know others will understand. I hope you come to feel, as I have, that this is one place you can do that. x

Good morning PF and thank you for the encouragement. I live with a glimmer of hope. Thinking of you, your DH, and your family. x

Good morning Iam64 - your description is all too true.

All friends, who have posted or not, wishing you the best day you can have. x

We are safely installed at our lodge for the next week. It was a lovely drive over yesterday and it's a beautiful sunny day and really rather mild.

Of course you belong here 3nanny everyone who has support, advice and understanding should join in just as anyone who is looking for what this thread has to offer.

You're right PF this is a safe place, it was the one thread that led to me joining GN in the first place and it's not just about our estrangements, it's a place to share the other problems we have in our lives.

Although of course for those of us who are and have been estranged there are other things going on in our lives. Some are good to share to bring light relief and a bit of fun into our daily lives, others are painful and distressing and for me, I know that whenever I post here, someone will respond.

You're never out of my thoughts these days PF. I'm sorry that your DH is struggling, as you must be too. I wish I could think of something to say that would help. You know we are all here for you.

Our ES told us nearly 8 years ago they needed some space. Who'd have thought that meant cutting us out of his life altogether for fast approaching 8 years now. How much time and space so they need hugshelp?

As hugshelp has said "nothing has changed" resonates with most of us here Bridie. It's always good to hear from those who have or are in the process of reconciliation but that's not an easy path either and I admire the courage of those who do so. Not sure I could ever be that brave after so long.

Hello Mary and a warm welcome from me too. It's a double blow when because our AC estranges us we lose our GC too.

It's good that you found counselling helpful and it may help you to get more. I don't have any experience but I know some of the ladies here have, and do find it beneficial. What we all benefit from are the friendships that we've made and I know that you'll find that too.

Mr. S. was due to visit his mum at her nursing home this afternoon, but we've just found out that they have a case of Covid, their first one.

It's a worry of course, she's a frail 89 year old and he's worried about how long it will be before he can see her again.

How much time and space so they need hugshelp? - yes quite smiles
Glad you are ready for a lovely time at your lodge, you need a lovely break. I'm sorry that you've now got the worry of covid in Mr's S's mum's care home. Things were tough enough before covid but wow it's added another layer of bad. Try and enjoy some recuperation anyway. x

PetitFromageI am so sorry about your DH. That is tough to bear.
I’m glad your DD is back in your life but please know that how you feel now about all the pain and hurt will melt away in time.
Time WILL heal all wounds.

Thank you everyone for all of your kind comments, and I hope you are having a good break Smileless.

DH has not been at all well this weekend I am afraid, so I haven't had much sleep. He can't eat or drink or sleep and has lost so much weight, but at least the pain has subsided a little.

Rhinestone, thank you for your positive words. In my heart, I know you are right but, as you say, it all takes time. I hope you are reconciled with your loved ones.

I am so pleased that this remains a supportive thread. We all need and deserve it.

Wishing you all a lovely Sunday. xx

P.F.
Sorry to hear that DH has had a bad weekend and I hope there has been some improvement to his health.
Such a difficult time for you but try and get some rest if you can.

I got myself outdoors as much as possible over the weekend the fresh air done me good and I felt so much better for it.

Thank you nanny and I am so pleased that you are feeling better. Fresh air, sunshine, sunrises, sunsets, sea, flowers etc are all very therapeutic, in my experience.

I am sitting outside the hospital, waiting for a prescription which will hopefully make a difference, but feel much calmer, as I sit in the Autumn sunshine. I think that, whatever travails we face, and everyone does, even if some prefer to keep them private, sometimes we just need to carry on from day to day. Just getting through one more day is an achievement and if we can look for those little nuggets of joy, it can ease our paths.

Nothing is forever - including estrangement. I am not religious in a traditional sense any more, but I do believe that sometimes you need to let go and have faith.

I'm glad you perked yourself up 3nanny - I do find fresh air and nature reviving. I'm too wiped out and it's too wet atm but it's something to look forward to.

I am glad you are finding what peace of mind you can PF - beautiful words, a beautiful way to look at things, as you often do. I really hope the new meds help.

sometimes you need to let go and have faith That's certainly helped Mr. S. and me PF; I wonder how we'd have coped without our faith especially as there were times when although we had our faith, we didn't think we'd make it through.

Fingers crossed that the new prescription helps your DH. Sending love and hugs to you both.

I'm glad that you've found ways to perk yourself up 3nanny; that's what our lodge does for us and I realise how fortunate we are to have it and one another of course.

Mr. S. and I have been looking at a site on FB. It only comes up if people we're on contact with post there, I think it's called 'Parents Abandoned by their Adult Children'.

Once again we are amazed at how many of these estrangements are due to the AC's partner and how often it happens when the first GC is born.

Hi smiles - hope you are still enjoying your lodge stay. Thank you for mentioning the FB sites, I went and looked and there's a few similar groups. I might try a couple just to see what they are like. It just reinforces for me how much of this there is. So much pain...

Hi all,
It's good to hear how positive you all are and how you all cope well with life. P.F you are right just to get through one day is an achievement in it self.

P.F and Smileless2012 I often have been dependent on faith and in previous years when the relationship with my daughter was often fragile I would always pray at local church for the best outcome to the deteriorating friendship between us. Lately I have not prayed so much but just leave it in God's hands that is all I can do.

I do not go on Facebook so have not looked at the site you mentioned Smileless , to go on too many sites and also read lots of articles about estrangement can make me feel sad so I tend not to do it, also basically I make myself use as much time as I can to get outdoors it has a good effect on me. With the clocks going back this weekend I will be getting up earlier to make the most of daylight and those dark nights will be challenging for me.

All stay well ...............

Thank you Iam64 and Hugshelp for your kind words.
It does help to share feelings with othrrs who understand. Sometimes I feel like I can't get my daughter and grandkids out of my head. I worry if they are ok especially my 10year old grandson who i was so close to. I worry what he thinks about me not seeing him anymore.
Tomorrow is my cousins funeral and I dread seeing extended family for fear of breaking down in tears. Under current rules we can only go to church and cemetery so at least thats better than having to socialise afterwards.
Thank you again for your kind wlrds of support x

Mary62, funerals are places where weeping is expected.
I hope the funeral passes as well as its possible for these things to do. Don't worry about weeping, its part of being at a funeral.
It's part of estrangement, especially in those early months/years to feel you can't stop ruminating, reflecting and thinking about your loved one's. I can't imagine the pain your feel about that 10 year old you felt so close to
look after yourself

I know what you mean Mary62 it's so hard to not keep thinking about the ones we miss. I have learned to keep myself busy and appreciate the people who are still in my life and nature and my hobbies and home, but things remind you, and if I manage to get through a day without it being in my head I then dream about my ES.
I'm sorry you have a funeral, amidst all the extra difficulties we are all dealing with on top too. I hope it goes as well as it can. As Iam says, a funeral is a place you can shed a few tears and I doubt anyone will press you as to why in those circumstances if you don't want to talk.

I know what you mean 3nanny about visiting too many sites. I had a look, and was glad to find they are there for support but so saddened by the things I read that I did decide I won't visit it them too often. I think there are times when it's such a comfort to know we are not alone, but other times when all the shared pain is just too overwhelming.

Thinking of you all. x

Good morning everyone.

Well, maybe prayer does work. Yesterday was a rollercoaster of a day. I called an emergency ambulance early in the morning, as DH was so poorly during the night, and he was admitted to hospital. The hospital called later to say that they were doing further tests on his lungs and brain but they thought that either he'd had a stroke or the cancer had spread to the brain. They then called again to say that he was too ill to have the tests or even to go into intensive care, and basically we should come and say our goodbyes, that they had made a decision not to resuscitate him. DD3 came straight home from London and DD1 was also planning to come, even though it is a five hour round trip by car.

Anyway, just as I was walking to the station to meet DD3 at 11pm, I had a call to say that his condition had stabilised and that we did not need to go immediately but could leave it to the next day. We went anyway, me, DD2 and DD3 and although clearly DH is still very poorly, can't speak, and is on lots of oxygen etc, but he was so much better than when I called the ambulance. He even managed to give us a thumbs up sign. As you can imagine, I feel exhausted but the relief is immense and I am so pleased that he is in a place where he will be monitored and get the best treatment.

I think I have mentioned that we keep finding white feathers. Well, yesterday. DD2 found one at the bottom of her tea mug, so maybe someone is watching out for us.

Mary62 - for you.