SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

I'm sure someone is watching out for you all PF.

You must have been so distraught, thank goodness your DH has stabilised and as you say, he's in the best possible place but it must be so hard for you being at home without him.

I hope you'll be able to keep us up to date because as you know, you and yours are in all of our hearts and thoughts especially at such a difficult time.

Take care dear friend x

Thinking of you Mary and hoping the funeral goes as well as can be expected today

Just popping in to say I hope things go well for you today Mary at your cousin’s funeral- your tears may go unnoticed amongst the others.?

Sorry to hear about your DH Petitfromage but he’ll be well looked after at the hospital so you take care of yourself for the next few days x

PF Wishing you strength during this time. Sending hugs from across the pond.

P.F. that was touch and go for you and the family and probably all of you thinking the worst was to come. It can be strange in illness one minute so near to the closing of the door and the next back in this world and still battling on.

It reminded me of a close friend only the one in hospital was her father. My friend has four AC and the hospital called and said it may be a good idea for them all to get to the hospital as things were bad. She even called her son living in Devon who was a four hour drive away. They all went to the hospital and she sat in hospital for two nights, by the weekend her fathers condition stabilized and after two weeks he went home from hospital.
My friend made me laugh as she was saying how everyone was crying and saying their good-byes and even her sister was saying I will take over the funeral arrangements so you should all go home. My friend was not happy about the funeral arrangements and said to me how her sister is a nightmare.

You know your Angels are looking out for you. PF hope he continues to improve.
Best wishes to all as we keep battling on.

Thank you all for kind words and support today. My cousins funeral was as good as could be expected and like Iam64 said, my tears went unnoticed among many others.
Stay safe and well everyone ❤

I'm glad it went alright Mary, funerals are difficult at the best of times aren't they, and this one must have been particularly difficult for you.

I am so glad you have the comfort of someone watching over you PF and that your DH improved again. Thinking of you all. x
I am glad you got through the funeral and it went as well as possible Mary62

I don't often stray on to here but I just wanted to say how sorry I was to read that your husband is so poorly PetitFromage. I do hope that he continues to make progress and that you have yet more good news tomorrow.

Good to see you Chewbacca
PetitFromage, yes, I do hope your husband continues to improve
mary62, good to hear the funeral went as well as it could

Hello All, just popping in in between a lot of "stuff" going on at the moment for me.

PF Worrying time for you; so glad husband has stabilised and your family visited.
Mary it is good that the funeral went as well as could be expected. Tears are normal when grieving and everyone helps each other at such times, sharing that sadness. I remember my Mum always felt she shouldn't break down in front of others and passed that on to me, but I have learnt over time that it just doesn't matter if one does!
3nanny6 glad you are still here and posting. You are so right about hearing talk about Christmas. It brings back so many memories of past Christmas's and different circumstances make those memories painful. I had that same conversation with someone 2 days ago, who is also struggling with the "Christmas miseries" for the same sort of reasons
Smileless Glad your lodge break is going well.

Anyway keep safe everyone, including anyone I haven't mentioned above, and or all round, which ever you prefer. Or both!

Oooh both for me Madgran

Thank you so much everybody for your messages and sending love to all of you. I hope you are having a good break, Smileless.

DH's brother and sister visited DH today and FaceTimed us from the hospital. DH is still very poorly but seemed stronger than yesterday. He sent a short text to DD2 this morning and was trying to speak over FaceTime, saying 'I love you' and looked so much more alert. I don't know where things are going from here, but I am not a widow today, when the hospital staff said that I probably would be, so that's progress, in my book.

I will be visiting again tomorrow with DD2 and DD3. DD1, formerly estranged DD, is in touch all the time. I have spoken to her three times today and she is clearly very anxious about DH. She has asked if she can come this weekend and of course I would love to see her and the DGDs. She really wants to be reconciled with her sisters but, instead of 'reaching out' to them, I feel that I am the 'go between'. I haven't told DD2 and DD3 yet, but they still have their severe reservations and I know that they will be less than keen and that it will make them anxious. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, to be honest. Life just seems to be constant turmoil and uncertainty.

I am sorry that the last few posts have been me, me, me, but a number of my lovely friends on here have been asking after me.

On a more frivolous level, and figuring that DH is in a safe space, I went to the hairdressers today for the first time since January, so I look a bit less like a hairy monster. Sometimes, it is the small things in life that we need, just to keep us going.

PF I truly think that you have to think only of what your husband would want in these circumstances with your ex estranged daughter and you know him best and are his advocate. If you feel that he would want her to come then let her and tell her sisters that you feel that you are carrying out what their dad would want. They must choose whether they are present or not and they can ensure no anger is expressed by his bedside for their dads sake. There is only one chance to get this part of his life right for him and you know him best so speak for him as he probably cant. I know only too well from experience, how painful this time is for you, for your daughters and for him and also for you feeling like piggy in the middle. Thinking of you.x

What a difficult time to be in the position of go between with your daughters. It seem that as mothers our role of mediator and peace keeper continues long after our children become adults themselves.
I support the suggestion from Madgran that you approach this as your husband's advocate. It may be wise to give your daughters the opportunity to avoid meeting their estranged sister at the hospital. Emotions are high because of anxiety about their father and it isn't necessarily the best time for them to meet without having aired any of their history.
I hope everyone does their bit to keep things as calm as possible

Thanks Mad and Ian, that's good advice.

Mary 62 :
Sorry I did not say hello to you on the thread. Hope you are well. At times my headspace can become preoccupied with worries about my D. Sorry to hear you miss your D and GC so much. Hope the funeral went as well as can be expected.

Smileless2012 : Hope the lodge has been a relaxing break this week. How has the weather been? It has been good where I am so perhaps you got some autumnal sunshine.

P.F Glad to hear your H has made some progress, you must be exhausted yourself. It is difficult with families going to the hospital when a loved one is poorly every ones emotions are all over the place. Extremely hard for your D (the one that has been estranged) as she is wanting her sisters to accept her back into the family, it is only natural for them to have reservations. I am sure it will all work out well and with DH so poorly your girls will only want to do you proud and use their visit at the hospital for the good of there Dad.
Keep looking out for those Angels they are always around.

Hi Madgran77 and Iam64 you gave some good advice.

Excellent advice from Madgran and Iam PF.

I understand you seeing it as your role, as their mother to be the go between for your 3 D's but even without your DH's poor health, it isn't your responsibility PF, and I hope that you can leave it up to your girls to sort this out for themselves.

Your DH is of course the priority here at the moment and as Madgran has posted, if your DH wants to see DD1 that is what needs to happen.

I can understand your other D's struggling with this. Having seen you both treated so badly and crueley, seeing how heart broken you've been, it must be very hard for them when they see their sister.

Unfortunately for DD1, this may have not been something she ever envisaged. Possibly thinking that when she decided the time was right to seek reconciliation, everyone would feel the same way.

I'm glad you've had your hair doneand if I may, I would say if before today you resembled anything hairy, it would be a hairy angel rather than a hairy monster.

Sending love and hugs to you and your family x

I can only echo the advise of the others PF, that prioritising your DH is the main thing. We are all glad of your updates, you have more than enough on your plate without dealing with more than that. Glad you found time for a haircut, and yes we need to appreciate the small things for sure.

Hello to everyone else, and have a good night ladies. x

Thank you nanny, Smileless & hugs.

DH is, of course, the number one priority. The hospital is half an hour's drive away and will allow a maximum of two visitors, as it is end of life care. Visiting, in general, is not allowed. So the plan is that DD1 and I will go. Her sisters would be prepared to go to the hospital with her, for DH's sake, but that is not an option. However, they don't want her to visit the house, as they say there is no need for this, as DH is not here.

They were very stressed when DD1 and family came a few weeks ago, but managed to be civil because it was for DH's birthday. They don't want to see her when they are already so upset about DH's cancer, which they are; we were told yesterday that the tumours were bigger and the cancer had spread, so it is now the end game.

I updated DD1 yesterday, said that the DGDs would not be allowed into the ward, which they won't, and better to arrange something later, maybe near her, when everyone is so upset, and it would be difficult to be a jolly granny at present. I said I would meet her at the hospital and we could have a coffee afterwards. So all fine and settled.

Now, I have received a text this morning, saying that she has to pass my house on the way to the hospital, so she can give me a lift (I don't have a car). This would inevitably involve inviting her in for coffee and a meal on the way back. In fact, she had previously suggested a meal each way with the family, which would have been stressful, although she said not to go to any trouble. I haven't replied yet, as DD2 and DD3 will become very agitated that she might be invading their 'safe space' and they just don't want to deal with her. They point out that she has never messaged them or spoken to them for years, she is a stranger to them, the situation makes them uncomfortable, and they feel that she is putting more of a burden on me.

On the other hand, it will look churlish to refuse the lift or not to invite DD1 in, given that she will have driven a long way. It will also give me time to chat to her in the car. I have not seen her on a one to one basis, for over four years, but I am also apprehensive, given what's going on with DH.

I know that this all must sound extremely petty, but I have 'brain fog' at present and have hardly slept for several nights. Anything involving DD1 always produces family conflict with DD2 and DD3, who have been a marvellous support and extremely loyal to me. They feel terribly hurt if I 'tread on eggshells' around DD1, to what they see as their detriment. They think I have unrealistic expectations around the family.

The other option is to just say to DD1, yes that's fine, you can come in for a coffee and maybe we could eat out when we come back, as your sisters are too distressed to see anybody. DD2 is happy for me to say that and I suspect that DD1 suspects that is the position. However, it makes them look unreasonable when actually I don't think they are, and they are also protective of me. They think DD1 is highly manipulative. The problem is that nothing is talked about. Maybe DD1 thinks she can rebuild a relationship by just turning up, but there is far too much water under the bridge.

Sorry this is long and boring, but it also shows that reconciliation brings its own problems.

So sorry that the news about your DH isn't more positive PF.

'Honesty is the best policy' and in your position I would be honest with DD1, telling her as kindly as you can how her sisters feel and how much of an additional strain this is putting on you at such a difficult time.

I'd go with the option of having her in for a coffee and eating out after you've been to the hospital.

Please don't worry about DD1 possibly thinking that her sisters are being unreasonable; they're not. As I posted yesterday, DD1 seems to have mistakenly thought that when she was ready to come back to her family, all would welcome her.

The reality is, this isn't always the case and isn't the case for her sisters. It's a great shame that AC who estrange from non abusive parents don't consider this as a distinct possibility. That they can lose part or all of their family for good.

Would it be possible for your other D's to write to their sister, telling her how they feel? I really believe this would be the best course of action. It's unfair for you to be in this position PF and really is something for your D's to sort out between them.

What a stressful and emotionally exhausting situation to be in. Facing end of life care for your husband and having your estranged daughter seeming unaware that her 'return' to the family isn't an additional cause of pain for you and her sisters.

Honesty is as Smileless says, the best policy but in this situation, diplomacy is an essential component of that. The last thing you need is emotions being heightened. Could you meet her at the hospital, have a coffee and visit your husband. Then eat in the hospital or nearby. Neutral territory can help to keep things low key which maybe best for all of you right now. Your other daughters need not be present if you all feel that's best.

PF I too think that having her in for a quick coffee then a meal elsewhere afterwards is the best option.

Just say that DH is your total priority and that it is really good that she can see him as he comes to the end of his life. Say that you just cant cope with any other emotions at the moment and that all meeting up during this time is just too much strain with everything else going on, for you. Say that therefore you would like to go for a meal with her only, a bit of time for just you two to talk about whatever you want to and that anything else with whole family can come later.

Keep the focus on your needs being met, so that you can sustain your focus on keeping DHs needs met.

Neutral territory can help to keep things low key which maybe best for all of you right now. Your other daughters need not be present if you all feel that's best

And I agree with Iam64 above x

What a dilemma PetiteFromage
You have to do whatever is going to make you feel the most comfortable. I know you want to keep peace but at whose expense?
I agree that DD1 is ready to come back and so she thinks everyone should be ready to accept her. And your other daughters do feel they need to protect you and maybe they feel they have supported you all along and resent their sister from wanting to waltz back in after being estranged. But your DH comes first and you should do what you feel most comfortable with. I’m so sorry you have to contend with this in addition to your husbands illness.