EAC FOG FREE. Healing resources on the topic of abusive parents.

I am so very sad to hear your story Rosecarmel.
I spend a lot of time in reflection. Regarding my parents, and also regarding my parenting skills.
I have never given up on my daughter. I am always here, mostly doing the listening. At present, she is suffering domestic abuse, so in that sense i dont understand why she stays in it. And keeps returning, even though the Police have a Crime number. I wish I knew the answer. Suggestions please. Shes well educated, fit and healthy. All I wish for her is independence, happiness, and freedom which she had as a child. She decided everything for herself back then. After lockdown, I saw her, no money, no clothes, a shell of herself, and wearing his clothes. Answers on a postcard please

I can't begin to imagine how worrying your D's situation must be for you Fuchsiarose. You're doing all that you can by being there for her and listening.

My nasty, manipulative, narcissistic mother died in June.
My brute of a father thankfully died 26 years ago.
I am alive without them and that feeling is wonderful.
This is the first Christmas I will not have had to consider my evil mother and for that I am truly grateful.
I never went no contact as she always somehow had a hold on me.
Every week that goes by leaves me feeling stronger.
I am me and not my mothers daughter.

I really didn't want to get into the ins and outs of my childhood to explain my thoughts on this but I did find a helpful article about bad childhoods and how not talking about it or acknowledging it can affect parenting. It's a painful read. I need to do better.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/compassion-matters/201507/7-ways-your-childhood-affects-how-youll-parent

I'm sorry that it has taken the death of your mother for you to find peace Missfoodlove.

Not talking about or acknowledging a bad childhood can affect all areas of our lives Astral. "I need to do better" suggests to me that you're doing OK.

Thank you Smileless2012

Missfoodlove I am sorry you had to find relief in those circumstances.

I wonder just how many people are having long breaks from difficult parents during this pandemic and are coming to feel the same relief and feeling stronger. Perhaps it would be unnoticed during the extra layer of stress we are all under. I have noticed relief at not seeing much of some people though!

Miss Foodlove, keep feeling stronger each week. I hope you have a peaceful Christmas

Atral, I'm interested in your thoughts about the impact of the pandemic on how often we see difficult parents and whether that is enabling some to feel relieved and stronger. For some people, that could also apply to other 'difficult' relationships, with siblings or adult children for example. It's one of those opportunities to step back and reflect, a positive out of a negative situation.
I agree with Smileless, you seem to be doing fine x

It is an interesting point Iam and as you say could apply to other 'difficult' relationships.

It can take time to see the benefits of being freed from a difficult sometimes unhealthy relationship, especially if you weren't the one to bring it to an end.

Thank you Iam64 and Astral for your kind comments.
The pandemic was not the cause of death but it meant I didn’t go through the charade of a funeral.
Just 3 of us and a very sinister priest, who apparently loved her more than me and decided to replace my chosen reading with one of his own!!!

Iam64, just a random thought that came and I was just trying to stay on topic of abusive parents because I know it is upsetting for some when topics go off track.

Could be an eye opener on which relationships are missed and which we feel better without. Not taking into account all of those who treat the rules like they are bendy and breakable due to whatever excuse and it occurs to me that anyone abusive would put their own needs above a pandemic anyway. No idea where I am going with this.

Also the rise in domestic abuse will have a huge impact. I just don't think we will come out of this the same as we went in, I think everyone will be marked somehow.

Be interested to hear others views on it, maybe you could start a thread about people's thoughts on what impact the pandemic will have on relationships in chat Iam64. Maybe it would get a lot of traffic? I'd certainly be interested, it's made me evaluate a lot of things.

what gave the priest the right to replace your chosen reading with one of his own Missfoodlove?

You're right to try and keep the focus on the topic of abusive parents Astral.

Your comment had me reflecting on estrangement, specifically, rather than the wider discussion on the impact of the pandemic in relationships. I don't think chat is the place for something as significant as family estrangement, though it could be for the impact on relationships generally.

Miss Foodlove, what an unpleasant thing for the priest to do. The funeral service is for those left behind, not something to be taken over by the priest or celebrant.

Astral said: "I need to do better."

Me too- Always- It's part of accepting who I am, completely- As a person, as a parent- Holding myself accountable, not above or beneath other people, just equal-

It's a gift to listen to people tell the whole truth- When they do- To identify and yet not peg- Not box tick- My past is littered with such words as you're this, you're that- Forever- A static, less than, runt like .. errr .. um .. stuck like that-

And yet, to their credit, I was provided with the freedom to not have to play with things labeled pink solely, but cars and trucks and mud, too-

I sometimes wonder if abuse and superiority aren't rooted in people's violent, primal psyche, provoking them to reproduce and continue their gene pool- The provoking similar to the same note being played on a piano, and drives them crazy- Even the edges of that rabbit hole look too thorny, and creepy ..

Anyway .. the information at the link you provided is invaluable and worth a read and reread- Thank you-

I think you're right Iam, the chat forum probably wouldn't be the best thread for that type of discussion. This estrangement forum or the relationships forum may be a good place if anyone wants to start a thread on that particular issue.

I will read your posts again but they hit home so I'm just up to freedom from the past.

My son is strong minded, age 3, he insisted on wearing woolly jumper, shorts and wellies in a heatwave.

I decided in the scheme of things, saying does it matter for one day?