Therapists who say parents are always to blame.

What rubbish bet their moms loved reading that.

I do think that there has been a lot of responsibility put on parents (unfairly) over the years in general. I don't think it's unreasonable to acknowledge that we weren't perfect parents. None of us are. Our grown children aren't perfect people either. Nor is it helpful to get into a blame game. With estrangement, I don't think there is anything absolute as each person's situation is very different. I think a good therapist will try to be objective and see the situation in the wider context. Sometimes that might involve challenging a parent's perspective or helping them accept that their children's feelings are what they are, even if the parent doesn't agree with them. If you are looking for therapy, maybe vet the therapist by asking them their perspective on parent-child estrangement. I would only go to someone who indicated that they didn't start out with any assumptions.

Good therapists would not be playing the blame game like this Sparkling totally unprofessional.
I agree with Oceanmama find a therapist who is either recommended by a friend or by other professionals.

I thought a therapist was there to allow you to offload and pour out all your feelings. Then gradually they encourage you to unravel it all and make your own decisions. Their going down the blame route is totally unacceptable.

Blame isn't a part of the therapeutic process. The internet is full of sensational so called 'articles' and we need to be able to see past their message

That's precisely how a good therapist should work Ellianne and it's worrying to know that there are some who will apportion blame, maybe due to their personal experiences, and possibly stand in the way of someone seeking reconciliation.

Good post OceanMama

Unfortunately many therapists/ psychologists etc have their own pet theories and agendas that they subscribe to.
Therapy can go on for years without much progress being made or the person feeling any better for spending a fortune.

Just to add...there are good ones out there too, but it can be a lottery.

So do you have any examples of how these articles actually placed blame solely on estranged mothers?

Ellianne

I thought a therapist was there to allow you to offload and pour out all your feelings. Then gradually they encourage you to unravel it all and make your own decisions. Their going down the blame route is totally unacceptable.

I agree, Ellianne, not what a good therapist would do.

Mind you, a couple of times I’ve seen on here posters saying things like ‘My counsellor says he/she is completely out of order’, or ‘My counsellor says I need to......’ or ‘It sounds like he/she has dementia, is having an affair’, or anything else.Of course this could be the counsellee hearing what they want to hear, or else a poor choice of counsellor.
I think you need to be very careful when looking for support, and,as said before, personal recommendation or referral from GP is best.
Incidentally, support from groups like this can be invaluable, but again, you need to be careful, as ‘It sounds to me as if......’, can happen a lot online. I’ve seen posters give a couple of bits of information, and being met with diagnoses of dementia, autism, or ADHD, and suggestions of alerting social services, asking for referral to psychologists, or removing children from school, not to mention the ones who tell posters their marriages are over!

Having done a quick google search on the two authors you mentioned, I can see how the rhetoric of someone like Bethany Webster would be upsetting. That’s not to say some of the issues she brings up aren’t without merit - I mean the society we live in now does place a lot more emphasis on equality and self worth and the role of the patriarchy can’t be underestimated in how women are viewed but to frame it as a “mother wound” does seem rather extreme.
The other author seemed a bit more conciliatory in the articles I read from her, they were more about realising that estrangement isn’t something that is done to you, but a consequence of mismatched expectations from a relationship and giving advice on how to untangle the emotional mess.
Regardless, therapy or counselling should be a safe space to explore feelings, motivations and to recognise behavioural patterns in both yourself and others to help forge better communication. Perhaps I’ve been lucky, but having participated in counselling a few times at difficult points in my life I’ve never had a counsellor point blame.
I’m always curious when people state my counsellor says x, y or z (having seen it on here like Daddima says) and personally I think - did the counsellor actually say that? Or more likely did they validate the persons feelings? Given that someone attending counselling probably has communication issues, I find it likely that the interpretation of being validated (as in it’s ok to feel this way) is often mistaken for confirmation of blame, if that makes sense?

"the interpretation of being validated (as in it's ok to feel this way) is often mistaken or confirmation of blame" yes, that makes perfect sense Lolo.

Makes sense to me too Lolo. Once you can accept that’s how you truly feel you can work on what you (the client) wish to do with those feelings. Accept them or work to change them.

So many people making money from others reading articles on the internet. Keep that in mind.

As an EAC, I see tons of articles blaming the AC. My point is, the are articles for/against both sides. And they are generic articles aimed at one side of the conversation. I think we, as humans, see things as black and white. But there is so much gray. And the written word online cant get deep down to the gray area that exists in this topic.

My best friend is a family councillor. I love her to bits but have to remind her I want my friend I don't need councilling. With the help of Smileless2012 through PMs I have come to terms with what my son and daughter in law have done. I don't hate them for what they have done as still love them and my 3 grandsons very much. I do not want nor need hate in my life. What I am trying to say in my long winded way is I think once a councillor always a councillor in my experience with my friend. She can't seem to turn it off.

Who did people go to years ago ?

I would never dismiss therapists out of hand.

About 25 years ago I had a complete breakdown at work.

Looking back now I realise the pressures on me were absolutely immense and I had so many balls in the air I was bound to fail.

I have no memory of either the week or so leading up to the breakdown or the breakdown itself and only a foggy memory of a few days after.

But apparently I was insistent that I would not be prepared to take any drugs.

The doctor respected me and arranged instead for me to see a therapist, which I did for about 8-10 weeks. I was very sceptical but really had no choice at the time.

He gave me the ability to see the dangers in my personality, that underscored my behaviour. I learned that I had choices to say no and that my behaviour had a lot to do with my childhood and desperation to please my father. It was the first time in my life that I had ever talked about my upbringing.

I know it’s a cliche but in my case so true.

I have never looked back. I actively engaged with myself in changing and it has undoubtedly strengthened me as an individual, who as a result has grown in confidence and happiness.

Never dismiss a therapist out of hand.

Grandmother, aunt, big sister, village mother ellan

There are different types of counselling and which one you pick will definitely have a bearing on how the counsellor works with you A ‘person centered’ counsellor should never tell you what to do but explore together how you are feeling and reacting, asking open questions like and how did you handle that, not you should have handled it this way or that

I once went for couple counselling which should have been person centred and a highly qualified man however he was so biased towards the man in the equation than I walked away from it in the end He was making excuses or that’s how it felt to me
In the case of estrangement there are always two sides the original reaction to the ‘problem’ and then the reaction to that reaction and it’s when these jigsaws don’t fit that the problem begins There are exceptions of course and these can be when you don’t know and are not told what you did ‘wrong’ or when you are told about something but keep doing it anyway
Counselling can be very helpful (and painful) at finding pieces to the jigsaw but should never ever place blame unless the person comes to that conclusion themselves

I would like to add that the therapist was under the NHS

As a therapist I would never tell a client what to do. Therapists vary a lot always check their qualifications and how they trained. Pick one with the right specialism for the issue you want to explore. It is not against the law for a counsellor to start up on private practice with just an introductory course in counselling skills. Many people don’t check their validity and should. It took me 4 years to fully train and I am also registered and accredited by my professional body and have full professional indemnity insurance. All counsellors should have this but they don’t

TwiceAsNice

As a therapist I would never tell a client what to do. Therapists vary a lot always check their qualifications and how they trained. Pick one with the right specialism for the issue you want to explore. It is not against the law for a counsellor to start up on private practice with just an introductory course in counselling skills. Many people don’t check their validity and should. It took me 4 years to fully train and I am also registered and accredited by my professional body and have full professional indemnity insurance. All counsellors should have this but they don’t

That’s right twice my therapist sort of asked questions and guided me through without telling me if that makes sense.

I think that as the one being therapied. (?) you have to work at it and continue to do so after you have finished.

Eventually my new behaviour became second nature and I am aware of the pitfalls that I did so easily fall into.

‘Whiff

My best friend is a family councillor. I love her to bits but have to remind her I want my friend I don't need councilling’

My friend is a counsellor and finds many ‘friends’ only want to be around her to offload.

She avoids telling people of her profession at parties etc as they’ll then spend their time offloading.

I think that therapy and counselling are different professions

It's a mistake to live with self blame when that interferes with your progress through life.

It is not about blaming parents, it's about understanding you are a product of your upbringing. Your parents in turn were products of their upbringing, and so on.You love your parents despite their weaknesses and nobody is without weaknesses.
It is actually very helpful to understand what shaped your personality.