Facing a New Year with prospect of not seeing youngest daughters wedding

From another angle - when DD3 got married the only people present were her controlling ex husband and his friends!

OP

In your latest update, you admit she hasn't acknowledged your cards, presents or contacted you when you were sick.

May I ask why it surprises you you are not included in her wedding?

The utter helplessness for parents whose AC fall into the clutches of cruel and manipulative people is impossible to articulate.

Parents hope things will change Hithere. That's the curse of estrangement, it's so hard not to hope that something will change, that contact will resume and what parent ever expects not to be invited to their own child's wedding.

OP - I wouldn’t get too hung up on the wedding aspect of this tbh as hurtful as that part is. Given that you haven’t spoken to your DD for a year, I would suggest you focus on trying to repair the relationship.
Look at why your relationship broke down and start from there maybe? What was the tipping point for the estrangement?
As much as from your perspective your EXH is behind it all, from her perspective - that’s her dad and blaming him may end up being counterproductive should you wish to get on better terms.
I do not dispute that coercion is a thing that can happen, however do not discount an adults own autonomy too quickly. People can and do change over a lifetime, so maybe have a look if you have any texts or emails from DD and reread them for some insight as to where she thinks things have faltered?

Lolo for some EP's the EAC getting married is often seen and sometimes is the catalyst for reconciliation and there's not much I can think of that would compare to the pain of not being invited to your AC's wedding, and finding out about it being on the horizon 'on the grapevine'.

The only sure way of knowing why this estrangement has happened is for Hels' D to explain why to her mother. Anything other than that is pure speculation and guess work.

Do you know for a fact that your Ex told your daughter that he wouldn’t pay for the wedding if she invited you or is that speculation?

Smileless whilst I do agree that the wedding could be a catalyst timing wise, the OP hasn’t had contact with her DD for a year.

I also agree that the only person who can tell OP what happened is her DD, which why I’ve encouraged OP to look back over communication from her DD to try and see what went wrong.

A wedding is one day, surely it’s worth revisiting past interactions to try and salvage a relationship that could last a lifetime?

I was in your position a couple of years ago and I feel for you, but not to the extent that I was not invited. But, my d.i.ls (to be, at that time) were very friendly with my ex’s new wife. For both my son’s sakes, I put up with the embarrassment and hurt, of seeing my ex and his wife together. Seeing my d.i.ls and their families making a fuss of my ex and his wife. It still hurts. Unlike your Ex, mine just gave them a nominal gift, nothing much. I was and am still single. Most people do not understand this situation. I am glad I won’t be attending any more family weddings as my grandchildren are very young.
I feel sooooo bad for you. It’s true money talks. Your DD is very, very wrong. As others have mentioned, it’s time for a talk with your daughter. Be strong ...

I’m going through something similar and have decided that I’m not going to let them upset me indefinitely. Yes it breaks my heart but like you the exh and his wife are involved plus all of exes family and l am just one person.
Let them get on with it and share their poison between themselves, despicable rotten people.
Find out the date and make sure you are away for the weekend with some friends. Our children can cause such pain but try very hard to be positive, would you really be able to stand being around all of these rotter’s just to see your daughter get married?

Good for you Nicegranny, it isn't easy I know but letting them get on with it is the only thing you can do.

I do feel sorry for you. The second wife has not just taken your husband but is probably working behind the scenes to encourage the nasty behaviour. She ought, I feel, to be the voice of reason - I accept I don't know you or all the facts.

Even if you had been the guilty party in the divorce, it would be wrong of your ex-husband to stop you going to the wedding.

In the end, none of this is a good start for your daughter's marriage.

So sorry Nicegranny

And of course to Hels

My daughter did this to me , but actually came to my work 1 hour before her registrars wedding and told me to come if I wanted !
Earlier on that morning I thought I might pass the registrars office to catch a glimpse but I felt that I would be like a crow at a picnic .
Send her a nice card wishing her good things . x
( The marriage didn't last long but produced 2 beautiful children , but guess who they ran to to bail them out of debt ? )
Excluding old Mum is hurtful and they know it , my daughter calls me The Gimp , please don't be a a gimp .

Did you go tiredoldwoman?

no .

How very cruel. Don’t waste a minute dwelling on this, you know you couldn’t do that to your own mother so don’t make excuses for her. She’s losing no sleep. I think too many parents make excuses for their own families extremely unkind behaviour,.

Smileless2012

Good for you Nicegranny, it isn't easy I know but letting them get on with it is the only thing you can do.

Funny though, recently I gave them the cold shoulder and now my son is being his usual nice self.
His girlfriend got a taste of her own medicine when my daughter gave them what for and what a difference ?? Result !

What a horrible thing to happen hels I can’t imagine how hurtful this is for you I m presuming there must be a lot of background to this that we don’t know about, but obviously whatever has been going on your daughter has pinned her colours and either she’s been bought or sees you as the ‘wrongun’ in the whole situation

It’s very very cruel and hard hearted of her and meant to hurt you badly
You call her your ‘youngest’ so how do your other children get on with this ‘new’ family or have they all shunned you ? Are they going to the wedding?
I don’t think there is anything you can do
I think I would write a letter (not for the wedding) but I don’t think it’s something I d ever get over
I can only presume there was a lot of acrimony over this woman in your ex s life and your daughter has chosen them

I can’t think of anything to say to help you but hopefully you will get support on here

Hels, I am very sorry other this and totally empathise, as my DD1 got married and had a baby without telling us until DGD1 was 14 months old. In her case, it was a Registry Office affair, not even a ceremony, just signing the papers, but they went round to the in laws' house afterwards (who live much closer to them).

We are now reconciled, but the feelings of hurt still run very deep. When we visited, just before lockdown, there was a picture on display of DD1 with her MIL on the day of the marriage, smiling happily together. It cut like a knife. Having said that, her in laws are very nice people, who have been supportive to DD1 and SIL.

Just as we had become reconciled, my DH, DD1's father, was diagnosed with terminal cancer and died 9 months later. I have to say that she was very good at visiting and taking the DGDs to visit him and also read at his funeral. She behaves as though nothing has happened. I did get angry with her and said that she had deprived DH of the joy of attending her wedding and the first 18 months of DGD1's life. She said that didn't I think that she wanted him there and that she was very young at the time. I know that it was because of SIL, but it's a long story.

Anyway, DD is the opposite now, back to how she used to be, messages and texts every day, FaceTime calls, care and concern, even a thoughtful Christmas gift and a large slab of her (excellent) home made cake. It is still going to take a long time for me to feel the same as I did though. But what I wanted to say is that people do change and if you had a good relationship with your DD before, I am sure that you will again, but it may take a long time to rebuild.

I think that when our DC are young they think that there is all the time the world, but sometimes there isn't. DD1 missed so many family occasions during the estrangement, which lasted two years, which I assume that she now regrets. None of us can change the past, we just have to make the best of things. I wish you well and you will find a lot of support here on GN.