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Facing a New Year with prospect of not seeing youngest daughters wedding

(45 Posts)
Hels001 Tue 29-Dec-20 10:18:25

Since the break up of my marriage the ex husband has since remarried the woman he was seeing. They have made it extremely difficult for me to be included in D and GC lives he arranges holidays etc completely around himself and them. Now I hear on the grapevine youngest D is getting married this coming year and I'm not invited as ex is paying for whole thing and dosnt want me there and neither does DD. Im distraught at the thought of this. How do I come to terms with this?

Oldbutstilluseful Tue 29-Dec-20 10:23:04

I have no advice for you but couldn’t read and run. My heart goes out to you. It seems you are having to cope with some seriously unpleasant people. 💐

Septimia Tue 29-Dec-20 10:29:31

It must feel awful.

All I can suggest is that you send the relevant daughter a wedding card with a message along the lines of 'I'm sorry I can't be at your wedding, but I wish you and your husband every happiness for the future'.

A typed address might make sure that it gets opened in case your handwriting is recognised. It might then get binned, but you and they will know that you didn't ignore the occasion.

timetogo2016 Tue 29-Dec-20 10:31:09

They can`t legally stop you from attending the ceremony,be it register office or church as they are public buildings Hels001.
I do feel for you,people can be so unkind and it`s made worse when it`s your own flesh and blood.

Septimia Tue 29-Dec-20 10:33:57

Turning up at the venue might cause difficulties, but there's nothing to stop you standing outside, discreetly, to see them.

Jaxjacky Tue 29-Dec-20 10:54:46

Unfortunately it may be difficult for Hels001 to turn up with the current limited numbers.

eazybee Tue 29-Dec-20 10:57:19

What is your daughter's position in this?
You need to speak to her directly.

NotSpaghetti Tue 29-Dec-20 10:58:24

Are you out of touch from your daughter - or just your ex-husband Hels?

NotSpaghetti Tue 29-Dec-20 10:59:02

Sorry, badly put.

Smileless2012 Tue 29-Dec-20 11:01:36

What an awful thing to do Hels, I'm so sorry.

We have been estranged from one son for 8 years, it will take time for you to come to terms with this heartbreaking and cruel behaviour.

I wouldn't go, even to stand outside as that will only increase your heartache and I wouldn't send a card either. I wouldn't contact my D but wait and see if at some point she contacted me.

There's nothing you can do unfortunately. It could be that your ex H has agreed to pay for the wedding on the condition that you don't attend but that said, your D for whatever reason has agreed to this.

It seems there are no depths to which some people aren't prepared to sink. Take care of yourself, spend time with those who love and value you.

pigsmayfly. Tue 29-Dec-20 11:10:36

Feelings run very high after a divorce and settle down after a number of years. I’m surprised D would put up with this. My own son was angry when I divorced my then husband. 10 years or more on, he apologised and said he had no idea how I had stayed with his Father so long. My advice is that emotions are not steady at the moment. Write a note to your D saying you will be very sad not to attend her wedding but that you understand emotions are difficult to manage at the moment. Say whether you are at her wedding or not, you will always be there for her whatever happens in life and that you love her dearly. Then go about your life being crystal clear that this is not her fault. In time, all will be well. Just not yet . Good luck with everything.

Smileless2012 Tue 29-Dec-20 11:17:35

I disagree pigsmayfly if Hels' D is prepared for her father to pay for her wedding, and for her mother not to be invited she's just as responsible as her father, and is at fault.

Not having your mother at your wedding under such circumstances is cruel and from what the OP tells us, she hasn't even told her mother she's getting married. Hels' has heard about this "on the grapevine".

In cases like this, there's nothing to be gained IMO by making excuses for the AC involved. If she's old enough to get married, she's old enough to make her own decisions and should be old enough to take responsibility for them.

Hels001 Tue 29-Dec-20 12:23:13

Thank you so much for your kind words. My Sister in law ( dearest brothers wife) who D was close to up until my brothers death and my divorce is also not invited. No one from my side of the family has been invited. They have another uncle and aunt on my side that we a big part of the girls growing up they too have been cut out. Your right in many ways she is old enough at 28 to make her own decisions but is bought and paid for by daddy sadly. I value all your advice and kind words. Its a struggle at the moment.

Smileless2012 Tue 29-Dec-20 12:37:10

"It's a struggle at the moment" will be an understatement Hels as being treated this way by your own AC is heartbreaking.

"bought and paid for by daddy sadly" yes it is sad and there may come a time when she regrets treating not just her mum, but relatives on your side of the family so badly.

Please come here when to talk, it really does help to share with others especially those of us who are estranged from an ACflowers.

sodapop Tue 29-Dec-20 12:44:22

The card idea from Septimia seems a good way to go Hels I wouldn't turn up at the venue that would just be upsetting for everyone.
I'm sorry you are being treated this way it's very sad when families are estranged like this.

Hithere Tue 29-Dec-20 13:15:34

I agree with a pp that questioned where your dd stand in this.
She also has a voice.

When was the last time you spoke to your daughter?

How is your relationship with her?

Smileless2012 Tue 29-Dec-20 13:38:54

It would appear that the D has been, as Hel's has posted "bought and paid for by daddy"sad.

Hels001 Tue 29-Dec-20 14:18:32

Thank you all for responding. It really does mean alot. Times like this you tend to think your the only one who has ever gone through these things. I haven't had contact with her for almost 12 months I sent a card and present for her birthday last January I received a one word text of "thanks" I've tried texting or phoning I even asked her sister to arrange a coffee date which she didn't attend the lockdown happened. I was quite ill with the virus I started with it last Mothers day - very apt! She did know but never contacted me. Since then nothing i suspect she's changed her number. I sent a Christmas present but not even a thanks this time. It wasn't a grand gesture as financially I'm not able to make such things.

NotSpaghetti Tue 29-Dec-20 14:24:55

Is her sister going to the wedding?
Don't forget that weddings are tiny at the moment anyway. I think 15 people including the bride and groom? It sounds like your other daughter feels a reconciliation may be possible given that she arranged a coffee meeting...

Try to remain strong for now. I really hope things change over time.

Smileless2012 Tue 29-Dec-20 14:30:35

I remember that feeling, that you're the only one and so you think it's your fault Hels when it isn't.

I'm so sorry that on top of this you've also been ill with the virus and that your D didn't contact you, even though she knew you were ill.

There's no need to make a decision about whether or not to send a wedding card at this stage. Give yourself some time, take each day as it comes, it's all you can do.

I'm sending you a pm.

Hithere Tue 29-Dec-20 14:40:05

What happened that you haven'talked in the last 12 months?

Grandma11 Tue 29-Dec-20 15:16:41

You have my sympathy Hels001, I had a similar thing happen with my middle daughter of 5 just over 20years ago, although it was not my ex-husband, her father who was the troublemaker, but the Groom and his Mother who insisted on being the centre of attention on the day, and could not bear the thought that I may just steel a little of her limelight! Like your ex-husband has financially taken over controlling your Daughter, this woman did the same thing to my family, but added insult to injury by sending us a Wedding present list expecting us to indicate the gift we would be sending, and also the details and costs of my Youngest Daughters Bridesmaids dress and regalia, including hairdressing costs! This was the first that I knew of this, as being that the other three sisters would have been upset by being excluded, I wrote back and Said that we would be away on a family weekend that day, so my Youngest daughter would not be attending the wedding.
Needless to say, that once DD was married, MIL started the same tactics with her, telling her how to dress, requesting expensive Birthday Presents for herself, constantly saying she was not looking after her son properly, and taking over the household and decision making to the point where my DD felt that her house was not her own. Needless to say, the marriage failed after 4 years, and she returned home to us whilst she sorted out a little home of her own, using the money she got as part of the divorce settlement. Several years on, and she met her Partner who she is still with today, a lovely man who puts her needs first and adores her, his parents are very nice people, and totally different to the ex's. My Daughter now visits me regularly once more, and we are very close, we look back and laugh about 'Sue-per-bitch' and her antics in the past, and have closed that chapter in our lives for good. Hang on in there Hels001, As painful as it is now, it will improve given time, but the high emotions at the moment are clouding your daughters judgement somewhat, and one day she will come to understand that no amount of money is worth greater than a mothers love, and she may return one day and come back to your door, like most do!

Smileless2012 Tue 29-Dec-20 17:07:16

Your post shows how the influence of a 'third party' can damage a previously happy and healthy parent/child relationship Grandma11.

I'm pleased that it all worked out for you in the endtchsmile.

Summerlove Tue 29-Dec-20 17:55:13


They can`t legally stop you from attending the ceremony,be it register office or church as they are public buildings Hels001.
I do feel for you,people can be so unkind and it`s made worse when it`s your own flesh and blood.

Perhaps not legally, but if OP shows up uninvited, it might ruin any chance of reconciliation

eazybee Tue 29-Dec-20 18:25:51

It is quite shocking that your ex-husband, who presumably is happily remarried, can maintain such malice against you and your family. Your daughter is also culpable; she is 28, not a child.
It is a shameful thing to exclude parents and family from a wedding, whatever the reason. It should be a time of reconciliation and forging a new family.
Which is why the ex-husband and second wife , whom no one in the family (both sides) can stand, are invited to the wedding because that is What You Do; (are you listening, MM?).