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Son and DIL won't see me any more

(134 Posts)
Asdf Tue 06-Apr-21 12:12:07

I am new here, I'd appreciate some honesty but it may take a long post to explain.

My late dh was abused by his parents his father died and his mother was an awful trouble maker. He prioritised her over our family because he felt that his mother would leave him more of her estate than his sister. This was his life and he was at his mother's house at every opportunity me and our children came very far down his list of priorities.

His mother was so horrid I soon couldn't bring myself to visit her and our children very rarely visited her. I never spoke to her for over 30 years and when she died she left her estate 50/50 between my DH and his sister.

During the time bringing up our DC my parents died quite young within a few years of eachother. My brother was quite young at the time and it hit him bad. We got 50/50 of their estate and my young brother bought a house but also squandered quite a bit. He has mental health problems.

My DH over the years was very nasty about my brother and although it upset me I ignored it. When my brother visited with his wife my DH was brilliant with his children and lovely to his wife but rude and surly to my brother. He would do this if he went to my brother's house too. I ignored it nobody mentioned it, it was just accepted.

My husband was very close with my DD and he would often warn her about my brother as she was growing up telling her how he was interested in stealing our money and getting his hands on our house. He would tell her I couldn't be trusted not to give everything to my brother and eventually she knew more of our finances than I did. The two of them had secrets about our money and she grew very resentful of my brother. She also used to report anything she thought I'd done wrong to my husband and we would argue. She spent most of her teens and adulthood speaking very rudely to me. Again I just ignored it.

My DH had an idea that we would use the money from my parents estate to buy a house that my dd and ds could live in together. My dd was made aware of this and my ds wasn't.

When my ds was in his very early 20s he met his future wife. She was very nice and you could tell it was going to be a serious relationship. From the beginning my dd said things about this girl that I knew were not true, they were very nasty and unkind and I wasn't sure they were even true. My DH believed it all and was surly and rude to the girl when she came to visit. My DH and dd would say my ds had been disloyal and was choosing his new gf over his family. They would say my son's gf had it in for my dd and my dh became over concerned about what would happen to our house and money if we died and ds had a gf. They decided ds couldn't be trusted. I ignored everything, sometimes I'd stick up for my son and his gf because they really did nothing wrong but I'd be shouted down.

After about two years of this my dh and dd decided between them to give all of the money we kept from my parents estate to dd to buy a three bedroom house. She had just met a new man and they were planning to marry. He had a good job that paid well so it seemed like a good idea. My dh said we only had enough money to help one child and could make it up later. I agreed.

Shortly after my ds and his gf announced they were expecting a baby. When my gc was born my son and his gf came to live with us as they couldn't afford to rent privately any more. I got to spend so much precious time with the new baby and my son and his gf were no problem at all. My dh wasn't happy he said terrible things about my son's gf and made nasty comments about their parenting. My dh and dd raised concerns that my son and his gf would get their hands on the deeds to the house and that they would refuse to move out. I ignored this and because my ds and his gf never mentioned it, it wasn't an issue.

When they did move out after 11 weeks my DH cleared everything of my ds out if the house and made sure nothing of his remained. My dd's bedroom has looked the same since she was a teen and still does now.
My dd married then after a year split with her husband. He did very well and walked away with the house so we helped my dd into another house, this time a 2 bed.

When my son announced his wedding my dh said "Don't do it" instead of congratulations. He didn't say one word to the bride and groom the whole day and my dd disappeared somewhere for hours leaving us worried about her. I didn't feel comfortable to display photographs of the wedding because I knew my DH wouldn't like it. Dh also was devastated when they announced the pregnancy of the second child shortly after the wedding. DH always complained about Dil and how she parented GC. I had no problem with it they are very well behaved children and a pleasure to have around.

Dd went on to have a child with a new partner but the relationship failed and I took on full time care if the child while dd was at work. This left me with far less time to see ds and his family. He and dd had not spoken properly since we helped dd into her first house. I think he was slightly jealous because he had lots of housing issues. When DH went to hospital and knew he would die, he worried dd ex would get her house so he gave her money to help buy another house and also he worried about ds and Dil as he thought they would try to take my house and money so he asked dd to move in with me.

When DH passed away me and dd became very close we live between both of our houses. DH will named me and our two DC as executors and me as sole beneficiary. Dd sorted everything she was very good she also took charge of my house and finances throwing things out and making decisions. She didn't want to involve ds due to concerns she and my DH had over their potential behaviour where our house and money was concerned. I went along with it.
I saw my ds once a week for a couple of hours but I was exhausted

One day my ds and Dil sat me down and told me what I already knew had gone on through out the years. I didn't know what to say so I denied it. My Dil said some not very nice things about my ds and my dh and my son mentioned issues around the house and money it made me think DH and dd had been right all along. I defended my DD and I made excuses because I wanted to keep the peace.

I haven't seen them since and I miss them terribly. My DD says she is sad because she had a brother and doesn't anymore although she believes this was Dil plan all along. I agree to her face but I'm not sure I'm confused, hurt and I just don't know what to do. I haven't told any of my friends or my brother that this has gone on over the years I pretend it's all ok.
Sorry for long post

Hithere Tue 06-Apr-21 16:32:16


You are nowhere ready to talk to your son and apologize

"I do need to apologise to my son because I can see how he may have thought he wasn't being treated fairly"
He "may have thought he wasnt treated fairly"? He thinks for sure he was not treated fairly, that "may" invalidates his feelings and you are still in deep denial

Do NOT apologize at all. It will make it much worse

Having a doctorate doesn't mean you are financially savvy.
I donr have one, does it mean I dont know how to manage my money?

Your daughters's view on your dil - wow, what can I say. Toxic, poisonous and very unhealthy on your daughter's mind.

You are your daughter are clearly enmeshed and happy to be so.

"My dh and dd have been very concerned about the house and the will but that's because they didn't want my son to allow someone to come in and take what's for him and his children."
Is there is more to the story? How do you think your son is being taken advantage of?

You need therapy. I would leave son and dil's family alone.

Smileless2012 Tue 06-Apr-21 16:36:30

An insightful post LondonMzFitz I hope the seed you've planted bares some fruit for the OP.

So many years of being controlled and manipulated will no doubt be hard to overcome. A very sad situation for the OP and especially her son.

DiscoDancer1975 Tue 06-Apr-21 16:42:31

You say your two children were close before your son met his future wife. That’s not how your post comes across. Your daughter and husband were conspiring behind your backs, or so it seems. They were bad mouthing your DIL and would have made it unpleasant for her. This isn’t the action of a woman who cares about her brother. My MIL was in constant league with my sister in law. They would wind each other up. My husband used to say he and his sister were close as kids, but not anymore. I think she was jealous because she didn’t want anyone to have her brother. She struggled in relationships, but your daughter didn’t did she? She was married quite soon after your son got together with his wife wasn’t she? Have I got that right?
In any case, I’m glad you can see you need to apologise to your son. To be honest, it sounds like both children have suffered, but in different ways. Your husband won’t have helped at all. I hope you can put all this behind you now, and move onwards and upwards.

Asdf Tue 06-Apr-21 16:47:32

I don't think Dil is evil she's a good little mum and she's always looked after my son who has a medical condition. They have been together for many years and she is a very strong woman.
I think she doesn't like my dd and maybe never has every time I have mentioned dd her and my ds have shown they don't like to hear about her life all the time and asked me to stop which makes me anxious and I do it more by accident.

I just think things change when your dc get partners and even though you might not like what Dc partner has done, if they make your dc happy you that's all you can hope for and be happy with

Bibbity Tue 06-Apr-21 16:51:13

Of course she doesn’t like your Daughter. She’s horrible.

Have you ever noticed the irony that you have allll that money to your daughter who then had it taken in her divorce. Then has two children by two men all the while your DIL has stayed with her husband and raised their family?

Will you give your son the money you denied him?

rafichagran Tue 06-Apr-21 16:57:01

Total denial OP, your daughter is manipulative and greedy, your poor son.
You need to wake up as you are just as bad. My sister was just like your daughter, and I carry alot of hurt because if it. You really need to wake up and look at yourself and what you allowed to happen for a peaceful life. At best lazy parenting at worse you were complicit.
Like I said up post I can empathise with your son as I have been there. I loathe the way you ignore and deny things.
I walked away from everything and got no I inheritance at all, best thing I ever did.

silverlining48 Tue 06-Apr-21 16:58:59

If i were in your daughter in laws position I woudnt like your daughter either. Surely you must see why.
Read this again, you asked for and have received good advice.
I dont think you will do anything about it and that is sad, for your son, his wife and child, and for you.

Asdf Tue 06-Apr-21 17:25:09

Sorry I already wrote this but it disappeared, it may pop up twice.

After we helped dd into her second house about a year later DH and dd met DS and gave him some money I think it was around £80k but DD told me it was 5 grand more than she got for her first house to even it because of inflation. My ds and Dil have told me they have had enough money and don't want any more from me as they say it's not worth the misery it has caused. My DS said to write him out of my will as he believes my DD will back off then and let me get my with my life. When my DH was in hospital dying he gave dd money for her current house as he was worried her horrible ex would lay claim to the house she was in and the one she wanted was slightly more than she could afford I don't think dd interferes with my life we are like a partnership as we are both on our own we go halves on food and bills and live in both houses. I baby sit she works.

My will splits everything 50/50 house, money in the bank and everything I own is for them both and they are the executors of the estate too.
My dd found me a counselor who is a friend of hers. Dd used to attend with me but now I go alone she is very good and has helped me to meditate and relax we have become good friends over the years but I do not tell her of this. I don't discuss it with anybody.

Peasblossom Tue 06-Apr-21 17:29:10

Have you actually looked at the financial documents for the things your daughter has been managing or have you just taken her word for what she says she has done?

Would you let an independent financial advisor take a look at everything? I am very concerned for you.

I am pretty sure that the next suggestion will be that you make over your house to your daughter to stop your DIL getting anything. That’s if you haven’t already done that without realising.

I wish you could see who it is that is greedy and manipulative. It isn’t your son and his wife.

Coolgran65 Tue 06-Apr-21 17:30:57

I would work out how much money your daughter has had given to her over the years. Then I’d sort my Will accordingly so that your son gets an equivalent amount with the remaining balance being divided 50/50.
Or can you give this sum to your son now. Your daughter isn’t likely to be happy about it. But so be it, surely she cannot deny that it is fair.

If you cannot deal with any fall out from your daughter just change your Will and don’t tell her. Or would not telling her be too sneaky .....
I just feel so sore for your son.

Coolgran65 Tue 06-Apr-21 17:31:23

sore — sorry

Hithere Tue 06-Apr-21 17:35:35


Do you consider yourself an independent person from your daughter?
Everything you do/did is associated with her.

Btw, you look for your OWN therapist, you dont need your daughter for that.
Becoming friends with your therapist? That is not ethical.
Your therapist has ties to you (friend of your daughter's)? Not ethical either but does not surprise me, given the denial amd lack of progress you display

Given the malicious nature of your daughter, nothing good can come out of it.

The more you update, the worse it gets.
Your poor son and dil

Bibbity Tue 06-Apr-21 17:37:39

While you are so enmeshed with your daughter you have no hope of a good relationship with your son and his family.

You can’t have both.

Either back off from your daughter and live independently. Or keep things how they are and leave your son alone.

silverlining48 Tue 06-Apr-21 17:39:49

A counsellor must be independent, not a friend of your daughter, (or of you,).
That means any concerns can be dealt with in confidence and privately and to formulate ways to to make changes and hopefully improve whatever is going on.

LondonMzFitz Tue 06-Apr-21 17:47:38

Asdf, your will at this time leaves 50/50. but I have serious concerns re the past manipulation you've been subjected to and appear only now to be recognising. Your original post - you ignored things for the easy life, you went along with things rather than ruffle feathers. You allowed your husband to treat your brother, who you say has mental issues, appallingly within your home and his own home, and said nothing. You tried to talk to your daughter about issues and she burst into tears.

What happens if (when) your daughter feels you are unable to control your finances and suggests she take over? You were willing for her to take on the duties on settling your late husbands affairs and honestly that should have been your job - she cut your son out of the decision making. What happens if you (God forbid) fall ill and your daughter suggests she take on Power of Attorney? Can you say hand on heart your daughter has your best interests at heart, the daughter that treated you so badly as a teenager, who conspired with your husband in the purchase of - what is it now - 3 homes? Who ran tales on you in your dealings with your brother? Who has told what you believe to be lies about your sons wife? It's lovely now that you have a good relationship but I see so much manipulation from the past - I can't believe she went to counselling sessions with you - what is that about? There is something seriously not right here.

Please check through other replies on here and listen to your own heart. Maybe as a first step talk to a financial advisor or solicitor who you find on your own, no going to your children, and talk through your concerns. They are professionals and I bet they've heard all sorts over the years. You may be caught up with your daughter through the week, but you simply must find time over a weekend for a lunch (if allowed with Covid) or a walk with your son. Your daughter may be a single parent but you've said your son has a medical condition - her needs shouldn't outweigh his.

geekesse Tue 06-Apr-21 17:49:19

Some people look at their closest family and see nothing except a coffin and a will. Sad.

Madgran77 Tue 06-Apr-21 17:54:05

Bibbity : You are the abuser

Not helpful in the circumstances Bibbity when it is patently obvious, as Smileless and others have identified that the OP has been in a coercively controlled manipulative relationship with the husband and daughter for years and therefore will be seriously struggling to see the reality ...coercive control is powerful and insidious!

Bibbity Tue 06-Apr-21 17:59:42

No. The Op has been abusive to her son. She sat by when her son was abused. That makes her culpable.

She sat there and called them liars when her husband and daughter weren’t there.

She is not innocent here. Only the son and DIL.

Madgran77 Tue 06-Apr-21 18:00:40

My ds and Dil have told me they have had enough money and don't want any more from me as they say it's not worth the misery it has caused. My DS said to write him out of my will as he believes my DD will back off then and let me get my with my life

So your son does care about you Asdf !

I think y6ou should get independent financial advice, WITHOUT your daughters involvement. The potential for financially abusing you in this scenario is massive and to be honest they way you have described your daughters behaviour re your finances just rings alarm bells to me.

Hithere Tue 06-Apr-21 18:12:05

The worst abusers are the enablers, who stay aside while they let the abuse happen and they label themselves as victims

Curlywhirly Tue 06-Apr-21 18:15:03

Hopefully after reading all the replies, the OP will take a step back and look at her daughter's behaviour with new eyes. Not one person who has replied thinks that her daughter has behaved with any decency. She is a manipulator, just like her father. The OPs further posts attempt to make excuses for her daughters behaviour, so it is obviously difficult for her to see what has been happening. As others have said, she really needs to speak to a solicitor or financial advisor to get them to explain exactly what she has agreed to regarding her financial dealings. I also fear that the daughter has her eye on gaining a Power of Attorney over her mother's affairs.

silverlining48 Tue 06-Apr-21 18:15:27

Or you might consider contacting Citizens Advice who can offer you advice and practical assistance.

silverlining48 Tue 06-Apr-21 18:18:05

You really need to talk in confidence to someone.

AmberSpyglass Tue 06-Apr-21 18:23:50

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

silverlining48 Tue 06-Apr-21 18:29:57

That is harsh and not at all helpful,