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Son and DIL won't see me any more

(134 Posts)
Asdf Tue 06-Apr-21 12:12:07

I am new here, I'd appreciate some honesty but it may take a long post to explain.

My late dh was abused by his parents his father died and his mother was an awful trouble maker. He prioritised her over our family because he felt that his mother would leave him more of her estate than his sister. This was his life and he was at his mother's house at every opportunity me and our children came very far down his list of priorities.

His mother was so horrid I soon couldn't bring myself to visit her and our children very rarely visited her. I never spoke to her for over 30 years and when she died she left her estate 50/50 between my DH and his sister.

During the time bringing up our DC my parents died quite young within a few years of eachother. My brother was quite young at the time and it hit him bad. We got 50/50 of their estate and my young brother bought a house but also squandered quite a bit. He has mental health problems.

My DH over the years was very nasty about my brother and although it upset me I ignored it. When my brother visited with his wife my DH was brilliant with his children and lovely to his wife but rude and surly to my brother. He would do this if he went to my brother's house too. I ignored it nobody mentioned it, it was just accepted.

My husband was very close with my DD and he would often warn her about my brother as she was growing up telling her how he was interested in stealing our money and getting his hands on our house. He would tell her I couldn't be trusted not to give everything to my brother and eventually she knew more of our finances than I did. The two of them had secrets about our money and she grew very resentful of my brother. She also used to report anything she thought I'd done wrong to my husband and we would argue. She spent most of her teens and adulthood speaking very rudely to me. Again I just ignored it.

My DH had an idea that we would use the money from my parents estate to buy a house that my dd and ds could live in together. My dd was made aware of this and my ds wasn't.

When my ds was in his very early 20s he met his future wife. She was very nice and you could tell it was going to be a serious relationship. From the beginning my dd said things about this girl that I knew were not true, they were very nasty and unkind and I wasn't sure they were even true. My DH believed it all and was surly and rude to the girl when she came to visit. My DH and dd would say my ds had been disloyal and was choosing his new gf over his family. They would say my son's gf had it in for my dd and my dh became over concerned about what would happen to our house and money if we died and ds had a gf. They decided ds couldn't be trusted. I ignored everything, sometimes I'd stick up for my son and his gf because they really did nothing wrong but I'd be shouted down.

After about two years of this my dh and dd decided between them to give all of the money we kept from my parents estate to dd to buy a three bedroom house. She had just met a new man and they were planning to marry. He had a good job that paid well so it seemed like a good idea. My dh said we only had enough money to help one child and could make it up later. I agreed.

Shortly after my ds and his gf announced they were expecting a baby. When my gc was born my son and his gf came to live with us as they couldn't afford to rent privately any more. I got to spend so much precious time with the new baby and my son and his gf were no problem at all. My dh wasn't happy he said terrible things about my son's gf and made nasty comments about their parenting. My dh and dd raised concerns that my son and his gf would get their hands on the deeds to the house and that they would refuse to move out. I ignored this and because my ds and his gf never mentioned it, it wasn't an issue.

When they did move out after 11 weeks my DH cleared everything of my ds out if the house and made sure nothing of his remained. My dd's bedroom has looked the same since she was a teen and still does now.
My dd married then after a year split with her husband. He did very well and walked away with the house so we helped my dd into another house, this time a 2 bed.

When my son announced his wedding my dh said "Don't do it" instead of congratulations. He didn't say one word to the bride and groom the whole day and my dd disappeared somewhere for hours leaving us worried about her. I didn't feel comfortable to display photographs of the wedding because I knew my DH wouldn't like it. Dh also was devastated when they announced the pregnancy of the second child shortly after the wedding. DH always complained about Dil and how she parented GC. I had no problem with it they are very well behaved children and a pleasure to have around.

Dd went on to have a child with a new partner but the relationship failed and I took on full time care if the child while dd was at work. This left me with far less time to see ds and his family. He and dd had not spoken properly since we helped dd into her first house. I think he was slightly jealous because he had lots of housing issues. When DH went to hospital and knew he would die, he worried dd ex would get her house so he gave her money to help buy another house and also he worried about ds and Dil as he thought they would try to take my house and money so he asked dd to move in with me.

When DH passed away me and dd became very close we live between both of our houses. DH will named me and our two DC as executors and me as sole beneficiary. Dd sorted everything she was very good she also took charge of my house and finances throwing things out and making decisions. She didn't want to involve ds due to concerns she and my DH had over their potential behaviour where our house and money was concerned. I went along with it.
I saw my ds once a week for a couple of hours but I was exhausted

One day my ds and Dil sat me down and told me what I already knew had gone on through out the years. I didn't know what to say so I denied it. My Dil said some not very nice things about my ds and my dh and my son mentioned issues around the house and money it made me think DH and dd had been right all along. I defended my DD and I made excuses because I wanted to keep the peace.

I haven't seen them since and I miss them terribly. My DD says she is sad because she had a brother and doesn't anymore although she believes this was Dil plan all along. I agree to her face but I'm not sure I'm confused, hurt and I just don't know what to do. I haven't told any of my friends or my brother that this has gone on over the years I pretend it's all ok.
Sorry for long post

DiscoDancer1975 Thu 08-Apr-21 17:01:36

You’re still not seeing it OP. Your daughter is playing you, as you have been played all along. She’s in it for herself. Your first post is most likely the ‘real’ one. The rest is trying to justify the actions of someone’s ( ie your daughter’s ) behaviour. Think of this way.
Maybe you need to show her all your posts. If she is horrified, and wants to sort things out with her brother, it will be obvious. I’m willing to bet she won’t be, and will make excuses to keep you apart from your son.
There is a lifetime, in fact probably many lifetimes, of bad inherited behaviour here. For goodness sake break it, and get in touch with your son. You’ll lose him if you don’t. It’s just a matter of time with your daughter too, once she has what she wants.

JaneJudge Thu 08-Apr-21 17:08:12

It sounds like your daughter (and late husband)has financially abused you. I would get your paperwork together and see a solicitor. We can't actually help you. I'm not surprised your son is upset for gods sake, it's not difficult to work out why

AmberSpyglass Thu 08-Apr-21 17:36:14

It’s not clear how long the estrangement has gone on - it may well be too late if the OP’s son decides it would be too painful to resume contact.

M0nica Thu 08-Apr-21 20:02:28

Asdf You are completly in thrall to your daughter. You ditch your son at every opportunity whenever you daughter threatens to estrange herself. You live with her half the time, you let her control your finances. On every occasion, when she says jump, you jump. The fuss she makes when you visited your son and grandchildren is pure emotional blackmail and indeed, I would say its purpose was to effect the very estrangement from your son that you now have.

^ I'm not choosing dd for any other reason other than how would she cope alone? She has nobody else.^

That is the weakest excuse I have ever heard. Your DD will manage perfectly well on her own if she has to. Tens of thousands of women in her position, when faced with managing on their own do so.

This claim that she 'needs' you is all part of the emotional blackmail aimed at separating you from your son and ensuring she has complete control over your whole life.

Anyway, taking control of your own finances, finding your ownadvisors and therapists, will not affect the help you give her nor the help she gives you

You also say She also deals with my medical appointments from her work email and phone. She helps me do these things even though I don't ask her and don't need her to.

Read that aloud to yourself 20 or 30 times, what does it say. It says that your daughter manipulates you like a puppet on a string. All you need to do, is tell her it is kind of her to do all this for you, but you are quite capable of doing this yourself and in the future you intend to do so.

I will give you credit for having the courage to come back time and time to this thread, even though what we are saying here is often very hard, even brutal.

It is obvious that you really are looking for a solution to your problem, but you are now a widow, the real problem in your life is not your son, but your daughter.

She has taken over your life under the guise of 'helping you'. She has undermined your confidence by offering and doing everything for you; doctor's appointments, finance, therapy. She constantly tells you that she knows more than you do, can do things, more easily, gradually bit by bit she is deskilling you and undermining any confidence you have in your ability to run your life, down to things as intimate and personal as your health and relationship with your GP.

I know you want a solution that restores your son, but does not upset your daughter. Quite simply that is impossible, and the reason that is impossible is because your daughter is the problem and has actively worked to get this estrangement.

There is only one solution. You have to take back charge of your life. Start with medical appointments and their like and refuse to tell your DD any details of them, other than a bare minimum. Then seek therapy. Just talk to your GP or somewhere like Age UK or the Citizen's Advice. Do not say anyhthing to you DD until you have got it arranged and started the course of therapy. Then gradually take charge of your finances. Check your bank statement every month, ask for details of savings and investments. Tell her firmly that you want to run your own life, she has more than enough to do being a single mum.

If necessary employ a firm of accountants to check everything to see if it is as your DD has told you.

There is only one solution. You have to take charge of your life and make your own decisions and there is no way you can do that without cutting the strings your DD uses to manpulate you.

There is one alternative. Shrug and just accept that your son's estrangement is the price you have to pay for an easy life.

Madgran77 Thu 08-Apr-21 20:08:17

Asdf Below are some quotes of things you have said and a lot of questions for you to consider. I truly do not want to upset or offend you but I hope that you can be truly honest with yourself in answering these questions and that maybe that will help you to consider what is happening in your life at the moment. I suggest that you get counselling so that a counsellor can help you to work through some of these questions and others that may arise.

IF you can do that then you might get to a point where you might be able to address the justified problems that have arisen with your son/DIL, who understandably are struggling to have a relationship with you as things stand.

1. You say: I'm worried that I may have given the wrong impression of my dd to people on here I feel like I've bad mouthed her when she drives me to the shops, has been throwing away things from my house, does the garden and arranges for any work needed on my house to be done. She also deals with my medical appointments from her work email and phone. She helps me do these things even though I don't ask her and don't need her to

- So WHY is your daughter doing these things even though you don't need her to?

*Why aren't you doing them if you are able to?
*Do you want the things from your house thrown away?
*Do you EVER have any involvement in arranging YOUR own medical appointments?
*Do you EVER decide for yourself what needs doing around the house and arrange it yourself?
*Do you EVER go to the shops alone or are you always driven to and accompanied by your daughter?
*Do you have your own Bank debit card, credit card?
*Do you withdraw your own money from the bank or does your daughter do that?
Does your daughter "take care" of your debit card/credit card or have cards on your account?
*Do you receive/see bank statements?
*Do you know how much money is in your account?

After your husband died why did DD ...*take charge of my house and finances throwing things out and making decisions
*Did you truly want her to? If so was that because you felt incapable and/or anxious of being involved in those things because your husband had always done them?
*WHY are you not making those decisions about YOUR finances, YOUR decisions about YOUR life?
*Does your daughter make you feel incapable and/or anxious about doing these things because she "takes charge?"

2. You say: It was already very difficult for her when I used to visit my ds and gc once a week and she was left out. She would say I was off playing happy families without her and she felt that perhaps I would have preferred dil as a dd and not her

*So WHY is your daughter isolating you from your son through emotional blackmail.
*WHY is she is making you feel that she will estrange from you is she doing that?
*Is it loving to isolate you from your son?
*If SHE chooses to estrange from you whose fault/choice will that be?
*Will she tell you it is your fault for seeing your son when it makes her (your daughter) feel bad?
*Do you believe it would be your fault? WHY?
*What will she do for childcare if she chooses to estrange from you? Is that your problem or is it hers?
*WHO is making you feel in the position of choosing between your 2 children? Is it your son and DIL OR is your DD?

So many questions so I will stop there?
I really hope that you can answer these questions, and any others that arise, being truly honest with yourself!

V3ra Thu 08-Apr-21 20:24:04

Why is your daughter dealing with your medical appointments from her work email and phone? That sounds suspicious in itself.
Have you given your doctors permission for her to liaise with them on your behalf?
Amongst all the other paperwork she handles on your behalf, have you maybe signed Power of Attorney forms without realising it?

You really do need someone in an official position to take a long hard look at your affairs.
Solicitor? Adult social worker?
Someone with your best interests at heart.
But whatever you do, do not, repeat not, tell your daughter first.

Please let us all know how you get on. Your situation must be such a worry to you and people do care.

Craicon Thu 08-Apr-21 20:24:50

Your poor DS.

I’m sorry, but where’s your backbone? You allowed your husband and daughter to treat you and your son appallingly.

Don’t expect your feckless daughter to support you when the money runs dry!

Hithere Thu 08-Apr-21 20:46:32

Please dont tell me your daughter has a poa on you