Son and DIL won't see me any more

Madgran77

No one is excusing, no one is ignoring the consequences for the son. Explaining/finding a reason/knowing how this warps perception is NOT excusing!

But it is only your opinion that the OP is being coercively controlled. It is not a fact.

Equally, she may just be an enabler. There are plenty of them! Enablers don’t need to be coerced into allowing all sorts of horrific abuses to take place.

Either way, I’m sure it makes no difference to her son, who probably doesn’t see his mum as a victim and shouldn’t have to either, after all he has been through.

I don’t agree GG65. All enablers are coerced into whatever they’re allowing to happen. I can’t imagine anyone would choose to enable. It wouldn’t be called enabling then, they would be in partnership! I would think they find themselves in that position unconsciously. No one would ever do anything bad again, because there’d be no one letting them get away with it. So, OP is either an enabler or a willing participant. This is true. Either way, if she doesn’t talk in depth to her son, he would be justified, in my opinion, to walk away with his little family. This horrible cycle needs to be snapped. The daughter is the next obvious problem as she passes this nastiness down to her children.

Coercive control, enabler, etc...

It is hard to believe that OP has not received similar feedback if she has shared these same details with other people.

As adults, it is our responsibility to fix what is broke in us, coercive control is not an excuse

Broken! Ate an n

It's already been posted that coercive control isn't an excuse Hithere, it's a piece of the puzzle.

Judging by some of the responses on this thread, it's not difficult to imagine that if the OP has shared with others what she's shared here, that she wont have had some of the feed back on this thread.

There are posters who are clearly unwilling or unable to understand the impact that living with an abusive coercive partner can and does have, especially over a prolonged period of time.

I’m sorry but trying to make sense of that OP is very difficult. I couldn’t get over your constant “I ignored it/him/her”. You have just allowed all this to happen instead of taking back some kind of control. I could never allow myself to be railroaded by my family just to keep the peace. It never works.

But it is only your opinion that the OP is being coercively controlled. It is not a fact

Of course it is, based on the information that she has given us. Just as it is other's opinion that she is an enabler based on the information she has given.

And some have the view that being coercively controlled creates the enabling!

One does not cancel out the other, as has been pointed out by myself and others in a variety of ways.

I don’t agree GG65. All enablers are coerced into whatever they’re allowing to happen. I can’t imagine anyone would choose to enable. It wouldn’t be called enabling then, they would be in partnership! I would think they find themselves in that position unconsciously.

I agree Disco

Discodancer1975

I understand what you are saying, however, it is not true of all enablers. They are not all coerced and many do chose to enable abuse for many reasons. And, in some cases where extremely sadistic individuals are involved, it can often be a partnership.

Anyway, I am now going off topic.

I don’t think that the OP is sadistic, but nor do I think her perception is so warped by coercive control that she believes the treatment of her son is normal. I don’t believe that for a second.

In this coercive control/ enabling discussion, at no time have we been given any indication as to what sort of family the OP grew up in.

If she grew up in a family where there was a dominant and bullying parent, it is possible, that this disengagement and indifference to the sufferings of the weakest link (a son with a medical condition) is a coping mechanism she learnt in childhood, and inexorably led to her marrying a domineering man and continuing this behaviour as an adult.

That is certainly a possibility M0nica however anyone can fall victim to a manipulative, controlling and coercive partner. Being raised in a family "where there was a dominant and bullying parent" will not necessarily be a factor in all cases.

I think the long and short of it is...no normal person would choose to be unpleasant and cause problems for others, particularly your own children. I can understand someone finding themselves stuck in a situation they would never have knowingly planned. Victims come in all shapes and sizes. I doubt the OP would have aired all this on line, particularly as a first time poster, unless she was desperate, or just winding us all up, which happens I know. I always like to give someone the benefit of the doubt as much as possible. If nothing else, it’s given us all an interesting topic to discuss.

Ps...if you are still there OP, I do hope this has all been helpful to you, and wish you well.

I think they need too listen. I don't think it is ever too late to change your ways and be a better person. Sometimes it is easier to stay in denial and pretend everything is fine but if you do that it causes problems for other people unless they stay away. So if they are happy with their life then you have to let people who aren't happy in the relationship go. One day being surrounded by the wrong people will bite you and that is very sad.
I would have been the one too look after my mum if she needed it. The family who have taken her side will not do that as they are very selfish.

Her future is in her own hands, and that includes reonciliation with her son and family. But, I emphasise, she is the one who is going to have to do all the hard work, and I am not sure whether she is prepared to do it.

M0nica

I agree with both your posts.

It is likely the OP witnessed a similar dynamic between her parents which she has gone on to recreate in her own marriage, and I too am not convinced that she is prepared to do what is needed for reconciliation with her son.

I feel terrible sadness for the OP’s son. If anything positive can be taken from this, it would be that he goes on to break the cycle with his own children.

I have been reading all what has been said. My mum and dad were really good, they loved eachother and despite their age they were not old fashioned. They had a happy marriage and were not bullies.

I'm worried that I may have given the wrong impression of my dd to people on here I feel like I've bad mouthed her when she drives me to the shops, has been throwing away things from my house, does the garden and arranges for any work needed on my house to be done. She also deals with my medical appointments from her work email and phone. She helps me do these things even though I don't ask her and don't need her to.
If I reconcile with my son, like I want to, but then I have to address the issues with her then she will stop talking to me too.

It was already very difficult for her when I used to visit my ds and gc once a week and she was left out. She would say I was off playing happy families without her and she felt that perhaps I would have preferred dil as a dd and not her. I want a relationship with both of my dc but if she becomes estranged, she has nobody. At least my ds has his wife and children. He also has close friends. Dd has no friends nearby they've all moved away. She would have no childcare either, she earns too much to get government help with childcare and I know someone said about me being paid. She gives me £200 per month. I have my gc during the day until her father arrives and takes her. Dd is home from work and has had a chance for a break by the time he brings her back at 8pm

I don't want estrangement from either of my dc it's like a living grief I miss my DS and his family but it looks like I have to choose and I'm not choosing dd for any other reason other than how would she cope alone? She has nobody else.

* If I reconcile with my son, like I want to, but then I have to address the issues with her then she will stop talking to me too.
It was already very difficult for her when I used to visit my ds and gc once a week and she was left out. She would say I was off playing happy families without her and she felt that perhaps I would have preferred dil as a dd and not her.*

Your daughter is not a good person. And if you’re happy with her then it’s your life.

But you have chosen her over him then and you won’t be able to have a relationship with him.

You need help. Independent help away from her.

Your dd is an adult- she can cope with life, trust me.
She has kids, she is not alone.

Your relationship with your son is none of your daughter's business.
If she asks you to choose between her and her brother - red flag.

Asdf You really should not cut one child off because the other is jealous. Your dd has to accept you have two children and are entitled and want to see both of them. That should not stop you looking after your Gc unless she uses that to deny you contact, unlikely because that would make her life more difficult.

I don't want estrangement from either of my dc it's like a living grief I miss my DS and his family but it looks like I have to choose and I'm not choosing dd for any other reason other than how would she cope alone? She has nobody else.

Your poor, poor son.

After all that has been done to him, he has only asked you to acknowledge how he has been treated. Nothing more. And rather than do that, you have chosen to abandon him.

As a mother to two boys, I don’t understand how you can turn your back on him like this. I don’t understand how you can love one child more than the other - you can rationalise it to yourself however you wish.

Your poor, poor son.

It seems to me that your daughter is controlling your life. You need to regain control, make your own appointments, manage your own financial affairs. I have a feeling you are being taken for a ride. Why on earth are you spending half your time in her house. You really need to take a long hard look at the situation you are in and have a good think. From an outsiders point of view you are in a very vunerable position. Take the advice given on here and act on it.

I cannot understand you going along with everything your husband and daughter did. It seems your son has been sidelined his whole life. You can see what your daughter is, do you want to be controlled or take charge of your own life, only you can decide. You seem to be in victim mode the whole time, letting things go, it’s easier I suppose. I would not allow my son to be put down by his father and sister, I can’t stand injustice. You defended your daughter and your son has done the right thing and left the situation, let’s hope he has a good life with his wife and family, if you want to continue as you are it’s a kindness to let him go, your d and h seemed obsessed with money and possession , your d still is, but at least make a will leaving your house to your son your d has had more than her due.

Excellent post Sparkling, could not agree more.

She won’t “become” estranged, she’ll choose to do that. And I bet you anything she won’t, not if she needs you that much and not if she loves you. Call her bluff and tell her that you’re going to apologise and try and rebuild your relationship with your DS.