Son and DIL won't see me any more

I went to bed last night still festering and fretting over this post. Please, OP, give yourself a good shake and move forward from the past.

Get some little notelets, send one to your son every week - simple line of "Thinking of you, love Mum". "You're in my thoughts, love Mum". Do that please.
Listen to yourself and nobody else.
Age Concern - is there one near you that you can talk to?
Think. Is it possible your friendly councillor is talking to your daughter about your sessions?
You look after your daughters child/children - unpaid, I expect. Do you have time to make friends outside of your daughter and her family? Do you have any other friends - not to talk to about this stuff specifically, but just to spend time with? I'm concerned you have "all your eggs in one basket",
Do you think a meet - coffee, maybe a trip to the cinema - with your DIL would be possible, just you and her? No family chatter other than about your grandchildren? Get to know her one-on-one.

There's so much you can put right now, wouldn't it be good to do that for yourself?

It also shows a degree of ignorance about coercive control Chewbacca.

Bluebell, you described the OP as being far too enmeshed, and that is spot in. She has been for the majority, if not all of her adult life enmeshed in an abusive coercive relationship, first with her H, then with her H and D and now with her D.

Your perception of 'normal' Asdf does not allow you to even consider the possibility that what you see as your D's help may well be a continuation of the control she has over you.

In an earlier post, I suggested you look for counselling. As Disco has rightly posted, you need to talk through your family history with a third party. You are a victim as is your son and it's your victim status that prevents you from seeing what has really been happening for years.

The damage that has been done to your relationship with your son may never be repaired but at the very least, if you are able to acknowledge the abuse he has suffered and your part in it, however unwittingly, you will then be able to apologise for what actually happened, and not what you think happened.

In so doing, you'll be able to regain control over your own life and break this cycle of abuse once and for all.

......DH got some money from the sale of his late mother's house, so not my decision what he does with it

This jumped out at me, along with other comments regarding money. It's clear the OP husband was in control of their finances, but, as far as I'm aware, I thought that all money/assets in a marriage are classed as joint and you should've had a say in how they were used.

That's the problem with coercive control gt66. You're right, all money and assets within a marriage are classed as joint but if you have a controlling and manipulative partner, you can very easily relinquish your control without being aware that that is what you're doing.

Inheritance does not have to count as a marital asset. Depending on where you are in the UK it isn’t included in divorce proceedings if it has not been used as a marital asset.

This was incredibly difficult to read.

It is clear that your husband was abusive, and that your daughter is too, but reading you narrate the history of your current situation is disturbing to me as you seem to regard yourself as some kind of third party, who’s actions (or rather, inactions) have no bearing on anything. You take no responsibility for any of the events leading to your situation.

Of course, you are not a third party, but you are your son’s mother who he naturally looked to for protection, safety and love. You have not protected him and whether there has been coercion or not, you have failed in your responsibility to your son. You passivity is essentially collusion in the scapegoating of him which has been perpetuated by all of you.

I cannot even begin to imagine how your son feels. Your poor, poor boy.

GG65 what you are describing are classic signs of someone who is being coercively controlled and is unable to se the wood for the trees or to think logically!

Perhaps Madgran.

But at the centre of this is a small boy (now a man) who has been thrown to the wolves and scapegoated his entire life.

In fact, all persons in the story have been abused. The DH, the OP, the DD and the DS.

I am not ignorant about the effects of coercive control on an individual, nor am I ignorant about the effects of child abuse on an individual.

If the son were abusing his children, or allowing his wife to do so, no one would be making excuses for him on account of the abuse he experienced as a child.

No one is excusing the DH on account of the abuse he experienced as a child and no one is excusing the DD either.

Why is it different for the OP?

Even now, the OP can’t muster up an ounce of empthay for her son.

Coercion or not, we are all responsible for our own actions (or inactions in this case).

She has caused tremendous pain to her son and ultimately, she is responsible for that.

Exactly Madgran years of coercive control often result in a warped perception of what is normal and acceptable.

TBH I haven't seen anyone excuse the OP for her role in this sad case, rather attempts to help her see that she needs help to acknowledge and understand the part she played.

Only then will she be able to see and take responsibility for failing her son.

What a mess. I am surprised your DS and DiL have hung around for so long to be honest, you have stood by and allowed them to be excluded and treated very unfairly by your vile, greedy DH and equally vile DD. So, your DD has had 2 houses bought for her using your inheritance, and your DS is begrudged a few weeks staying with you while they save the deposit for a rental? Sorry, your passivity, your unwillingnes to rock the boat caused this. Go and see your DS, tell him what you have told GN, it sounds as if he is the only person in your immediate family who has behaved well, and if you are lucky he will start to see you again. The first sentence when you described your late husband only visiting his parents to make sure he got the bulk of the inheritance made my blood run cold. What a toxic family, I am not surprised your son is distancing himself.

I do wonder why some post on these threads when they appear to have nothing to offer but criticism. How exactly do you think your post will help the OP Gill

Smileless: Exactly Madgran, years of coercive control often result in a warped perception of what is normal and acceptable. TBH I haven't seen anyone excuse the OP for her role in this sad case, rather attempts to help her see that she needs help to acknowledge and understand the part she played. Only then will she be able to see and take responsibility for failing her son.

Exactly Smileless that is the whole point I have been trying to make.

No one is excusing, no one is ignoring the consequences for the son. Explaining/finding a reason/knowing how this warps perception is NOT excusing!

However some are trying very hard to help the OP to recognise what has happened to her in terms of coercive control, accept that has happened, accept what that means in terms of her perceptions and if she can do that start rethinking her role, her responsibilities etc which just might mean that she (who is asking for advice) might find a way through this. She is asking for advice, that is a key opening in someone who is in a coercive relationship!

I started off reading your original post and feeling terribly sorry for you and your son! YOU have been manipulated by your dh and dd for years and now your husband has passed away (sorry for your loss) the baton has passed from him to her.
You and your dd have been controlled since she was very young and your son got exiled by them when he met his future wife/gf and they realised they wouldn’t be able to control him anymore!
I find it very very strange that although you were all executors to the will only your dd sorted everything out?
Legally your son was entitled to be involved too?
Your son and daughter in law have FINALLY sat you down (now your husband has gone) and tried to help you and sadly you have become so conditioned to the lies you’ve been told over the years, even though your husband is gone, he is still controlling you!
I’m sorry for your son, I’m not surprised he and his wife have walked away. How hurt he must have been over the years by his father and sister - and then again by you for allowing it and then endorsing it and disregarding him when he finally had the courage to talk to you.
You need to recognise how controlled and mentally abused you have been before you can even begin to expect your son and his family to try again.
He has been let down by all of you over the years!

@GG65
But at the centre of this is a small boy (now a man) who has been thrown to the wolves and scapegoated his entire life.

@GG65 you have managed to put into words so much better off what I was trying to say.

I love the way you buy your daughter a house despite her husband being well off, but you refused to help your son despite the fact that he had 'housing issues'. I just can't get my head around the fact that he has been treated so shabbily, and now you are upset and can't see why he ignores you! Cause and effect I would think.

I have read about this and its called scapegoating and it does a lot of damage. Your daughter and husband were bad people and you have took their side. This is what happened to me in my family and it will have broken your sons heart. He and his wife have done nothing wrong.
I hope you can see sense as he won't come back otherwise.

Armadillo

I have read about this and its called scapegoating and it does a lot of damage. Your daughter and husband were bad people and you have took their side. This is what happened to me in my family and it will have broken your sons heart. He and his wife have done nothing wrong.
I hope you can see sense as he won't come back otherwise.

I agree with you, my DH has been the scapegoat, his sibling could do no wrong. No justification for this state of affairs at all, just excuses.

It's more than scapegoating though, this is also about the cycle of abuse which includes coercive control. The OP's H had an abusive childhood. I would say he emotionally and financially abused the OP. When their D was old enough, she became an active participant in her mother's emotional and financial abuse.

The OP's D appears to have taken on this controlling role following the death of her father and in addition may also be financially abusing her.

There's no question that the OP has colluded in the abuse of her son but has done so as a victim, unable to see that she herself has been abused and what she still sees as 'normal' is far from normal and certainly unacceptable.

Being able to see this isn't excusing the OP, making excuses for her or justification. It's looking at the whole picture and not just one piece.

Smileless: There's no question that the OP has colluded in the abuse of her son but has done so as a victim, unable to see that she herself has been abused and what she still sees as 'normal' is far from normal and certainly unacceptable. Being able to see this isn't excusing the OP, making excuses for her or justification. It's looking at the whole picture and not just one piece.

Exactly Smileless

Yeah that's what I read is scapegoating, when some family members abuse you, other family members go along with it too.
It doesn't say on purpose it just says in a family its easier to side with the stronger ones and let someone else have a target on their backs.
Like things that were said about me and my husband that weren't true that people believed. It was very confusing like being put in prison with no proof because you got the blame for someone else and not knowing why people don't talk to you.
They do believe me now but because of that time we don't have much co tact as the trust goes doesn't. Never listen to rumours I think.

One thing that comes across as loud and clear is that when things getting difficult you have chosen to leave things and let whoever you are talking to do what they want. You have chosen to hand over your finances to others and it does seem as if your son has got to grips with it and understands the implications. The thing about having money is that you spend you time frightened that someone else is going to take it away from you. It seemed to be a thing at one time that DD and DS would live together - this would have been great as the finances would have stayed in the family. Since then there have been others involved but the main worry has been they are after your capital. I dont know where you go from here but I would certainly have a look at your finances and go to a solicitor to explain to you just what is going on. You may need to even things up so that your son is not missing out.

Well, if the OP came on here looking for a hand hold and sympathy she must be disappointed! Maybe others on here are better than me, but all I feel is anger for this woman's son, irritation at the 'poor me' and the complete lack of self awareness shown by the poster. Do you have any friends other than your daughter? Anyone in your life that hasn't been introduced by her? Others are obviously making excuses having more sympathy for you than I am, and I hold my hands up, but you recognised abuse well enough to keep away from your parents in law, so how come you don't recognise it within your own family, facilitated by yourself?

FWIW, my DH always said that he didn't know how 'normal' families behaved and how good a father could be until he met mine. So I do have some insight into why your son isn't talking to you.

No one is excusing, no one is ignoring the consequences for the son. Explaining/finding a reason/knowing how this warps perception is NOT excusing!

The OP may have found some of responses disappointing Gill but I hope will have found some helpful and understanding. Hopefully she'll disregard the ones that are just plain nasty.