Heartbroken and don't know what to do

Your daughter has obviously had a very difficult childhood, and it’s no wonder she has problems. But do you think she’s trying to punish you for it? Does she think you owe her? Is she testing you, making completely outrageous demands, to see if you love her enough to carry them out?
I understand your concern for your grandchildren, it must be such a worry for you, but as far as your daughter is concerned, I would put some space between you.

Thank you. You've put into words what I could not as to why I did everything I could to accommodate her. Despite everything I love her very much, but I no longer fear her. She's shown her hand so there is nothing left to be afraid of. However, what ever the outcome I will have much firmer boundaries

You are welcome. And it is good to hear that you are arranging further counselling support for yourself

Hithere

The accommodations that you were offered were not suitable for sure.

I feel this is an episode of a book and we are missing more background

Of course we arnt able to know everything, nor should we!
This is an open site remember,
And we arnt experts.

I would just send a note saying that you'll always be there for her and the children and leave it at that. Look after yourself and let them sort their own mess out.

Ated

I would just send a note saying that you'll always be there for her and the children and leave it at that. Look after yourself and let them sort their own mess out.

I sent her a birthday card telling her I love her, but it was sent back for mothers day ?

I feel this is an episode of a book and we are missing more background

Well yes possibly, but this is as much as the OP feels able to share at the moment. And what has been shared certainly gives some insight into things that she might find helpful to think about! As some posters have helpfully suggested for her consideration!

Hi I am new to this..I am widowed and my only family are my daughter,husband and 2 12yr old grandaughters although I have nieces and nephews in South Africa.
My daughter can be difficult and moody as well as charming, and although I have supported them in every way over the years she has often been curt and inconsiderate.I know she is oblivious and not the easiest person to talk to and I love seeing the girls so keep quiet and accept the way she is.
Two years ago she was particularly unkind and I was so hurt I left and wrote her and her husband a letter trying to explain
how I felt. She hasn't spoken since and although I have exhausted every way to resolve this there is a wall of silence and I have had no contact with the girls.
I have confided in friends and coped, but this last year has been devastating especially as the focus has been on " family support seeing you through it"
Reading other accounts I see the pain inflicted by selfish parents using their children to punish ,and wish there was a way to switch off the constant thoughts which torment me.
I am a fit and active person but this is affecting my life and making me ill..any help on how to deal with this..Zander

Zander, you need help with those constant and tormenting thoughts. I usually have a couple of good days and then it creeps up on me again.
Counselling helps, as does talking to good friends. I have also ordered a book called, 'When parents hurt,' by Joshua Coleman who seems to be a bit of an expert on estrangement and has another book on this topic coming out soon.
Meanwhile I read this often;
'Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself...You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth...Let your bending in the archer's hands be for gladness, For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves the bow that is stable.'

Zander Can I suggest that you look for the "Support for all living with estrangement" thread on Gransnet. There will be others there who are going through similar to you. If you click forums at the top left off your screen, then scroll down and click Estrangement, the thread will be somewhere near the top of the list.

Zander, all I can say is, this is a most devistating situation to be in but over this weekend I've found the people here to be most wise and supportive. Take some comfort from their kindness and support. I also have had real trouble with being unable to switch off the recurrent thoughts, so following the advice from here I'm organising counselling, maybe that would work for you too?

This will sound hard, but you are better off with out some people, family or not. What she asked you to do was so wrong. No thought for you, their behaviour, abusive, controlling and ultimately assaulting you, I would not give them the opportunity to do that again, I wouldn’t want them knowing where I live. What sort of people are they? I would make a life without them. No contact in this instance is the only way.

Sparkling

This will sound hard, but you are better off with out some people, family or not. What she asked you to do was so wrong. No thought for you, their behaviour, abusive, controlling and ultimately assaulting you, I would not give them the opportunity to do that again, I wouldn’t want them knowing where I live. What sort of people are they? I would make a life without them. No contact in this instance is the only way.

What you say is hard....but right. If I wasn't related I wouldn't have thought twice about cutting them out. Despite everything I love my daughter and her children and being without my granddaughters breaks my heart. All I can do is what you have all kindly advised, and seek counselling and hope that one day my daughter engages with the same and manages to sort her problems.

You have a partner and a son who are supportive, can you not for a while, make that enough, you cannot change your daughters behaviour, she’s shown that. You say you are concerned about her treatment of her daughters. Unless they are neglected or suffering abuse unfortunately there is little you can do. You know yourself how your son and daughter were treated and it is all very sad. It would be a pity now you have a good relationship with your son and have a new partner to spoil what you have.