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Estrangement

My Mother told me I was a "mistake and never wanted " when I was growing up. My older brother and sister were idolised.

(54 Posts)
Cally555 Mon 10-May-21 22:23:55

I was always treated differently. Just trying to make sense of it after years of wondering why she said that to me and never took it back. I mentioned it to my brother and sister years ago and my brother didn't believe me and sister can't remember anything about her childhood. They don't contact me at all. sad

Sago Tue 11-May-21 11:12:22

I am amazed at the posters who defend a mother who spoke in such a cruel way.
It is trivialising years of abuse.
Would you say to a victim of sexual abuse “ well your uncle must have just felt a bit horny that day”
To be told many times you were not wanted makes you realise that you were not wanted.

jaylucy Tue 11-May-21 11:26:50

I feel so sad for you and that words spoken in haste can still have the power after so many years.
I think this may well happen in a similar way in many families whether by spoken word or by action.
It is really hard to think of what to do when such cruel words reverberate through your memories over the years.
I bet there is at least one thing that you have done that you can be proud of - have a loving husband, good marriage, wonderful children and grandchildren, satisfying career etc despite those cruel words. Time to take a seat, raise a glass /cup to yourself and say "yah boo sucks" to your mother and cherish the good things that you have.

Daisend1 Tue 11-May-21 12:04:21

My mother never let me forget I wasn't what 'she wanted' .
A mistake 'for starters',and a girl???/Consequently I never had siblings.There was never a bond between us and she could be 'spiteful' physically ,and when that became impossible for her to carry out, then mentally..I believe she was always jealous of me and the bond I had with my father What did she expect?

SueSocks Tue 11-May-21 21:31:17

I also was told by my mother that I was a mistake. When my mother was pregnant with my sister I was told by my grandmother that when the baby arrived I would “have my nose pushed out”, I was 5 at the time and remember the comment so clearly. My relationship with my mother was never close, I left home as soon as I could. She was also physically violent to me. My sister recalls things very differently, she was never hit. I saw a hypnotherapist, which helped a bit. Her attitude made me determined to succeed in life and also made me very independent, the downside is that it also made me very much a loner & not really trusting of people. I have hardly any contact with my sister these days, just Christmas & birthday cards.

BigBertha1 Tue 11-May-21 22:20:24

I'm so sorry for everyone here who had an unhappy childhood without maternal love as I did too. One day if I'm brave enough I may get some therapy but its bound to be a painful process. My very best wishes to all here. I hope you can get some peace from these painful remembrances.

BlueberryPie Mon 17-May-21 22:06:55

There's quite a bit on the internet about that whole dysfunctional golden child/scapegoat family dynamic. Might be worth an internet search to see if it makes the pieces click into place better and give a heads-up on where to go from here, if needed.

Asherah Sun 05-Dec-21 01:12:01

I came on here after a particularly difficult day, a 60 year old daughter of a 92 year old mother with NPD. I am trying to support my mother to find a safe and comfortable solution to her living conditions whilst she is only interested in exploiting others to attend to her every need to their detriment whilst remaining ‘independent’ which she is not really because of the way she manipulates those around her to do her bidding.
What I found here are a lot of personal stories I can relate to. I know from my own experience what it’s like to stay in relationship with an abusive parent throughout the years and have managed it by keeping enough distance to find out who I am and heal myself so that I can stand up for myself, value and love myself rather than seek those things from my mother, as I used to. Without success, obviously.
Now, I am learning to stay calm when frustrated because she has manipulated me or others, sabotaged all attempts to improve her living conditions and done so with no gratitude or empathy. She’s just suffered two falls, nearly died, but still thinks she can live at home without care or support when she’s clearly not safe anymore.
Still a little way to go for me but awareness is there. I’d just like to acknowledge everyone who is struggling with challenging parents of any age. We are all human, we are different people in different circumstances and just trying to find the way through that works best for us. Stay strong and most of all, love yourself.

Chewbacca Sun 05-Dec-21 01:38:36

It sounds as though you've come a long way Asherah, despite your mother's manipulation, so well done to you. If she's happy living in inadequate living conditions.... well then leave her there; you've gone above and beyond to "do the right thing" by her, you owe her no more. You've done all that you can; she's hardly going to change at 92 so let her live with it. I wish you well for the future. flowers

welbeck Sun 05-Dec-21 01:51:08

my dear late partner remembered his mother's sister telling him that his mother tried to induce an abortion when she was expecting him.
she may have tried to fling herself down the stairs.
apparently it was told in a withering tone of, she couldn't even get that right.
the sister, his aunt, was older, bossy, and so pragmatic as to be brutal, i'd say.
i was shocked, and said that's a terrible thing to tell any child, even when they're grown up.
he just said, no it was probably true, as there was a 10 year gap between him and his older brother.
he gleaned that possibly his mother had used the services of a local woman abortionist in the interim, but by the time he was conceived, the woman had been found out and imprisoned. so his mother tried to improvise, ineffectually.
i said, whether it happened like that or not, it was wrong to tell him.
he couldn't see it. just said it was true. maybe that was aspergic tendencies, or some defence mechanism; i don't know.

Sago Sun 05-Dec-21 08:06:33

Asherah What an ordeal and it’s always worse at this time of year, as Chewbacca says it sounds as though you have come a long way.
I hope you have some quality time over the Christmas period.

This will be my second Xmas without my Mother, the relief of not having her in my life is just incredible.
She managed to suck the joy out of anything good.
My life is so much happier now..

mumofmadboys Sun 05-Dec-21 08:07:09

Could you contact your siblings and try and build a relationship with them? No need to discuss your relationships with your mum, but concentrate on the here and now. They may feel you don't contact them too. I wish you well

Smileless2012 Sun 05-Dec-21 08:48:39

You're a loving and courageous woman Asherah, still doing what you can for your mum in spite of the way she treats you.

As Chewbacca has said, if she wants to continue living 'independently' there's nothing more you can do and you've done so much already.

Keep on loving and valuing yourselfflowers.

What a terrible thing for your late partner's aunt to do welbeck. What on earth motivates anyone to be so cruelsad.

Sago such a shame that it has taken the absence of your mother in your life for you to be able to find real happiness. Have a lovely Christmas this year, and all the years there are to comeflowers.

Hetty58 Sun 05-Dec-21 20:16:57

My mother said that she disliked children - so only had us as our father wanted a family - it was her 'duty'. Therefore, we'd have to be good and keep quiet, not annoy her.

It rang true and I wasn't surprised or upset by it, just wished I belonged to the family of one of my friends (any of them, in fact).

My sister always says 'That never happened, you've made it up!', thinks we had an idyllic childhood and lives in her own little world. My brother has thanked me for defending him - as she particularly disliked boys.

I think it's made me strong and independent, somewhat detached and unwilling to trust others. Still, maybe my character was very like that to start with (apart from the trust issue)

Luckily, my father was loving, supportive, full of praise and told me to ignore her, as she just couldn't get along with people - and didn't know how to be friends. I think one good parent is enough.

Asherah Sun 05-Dec-21 23:45:03

Gosh, such heart rending stories of people growing up as little children who are neither seen, heard or validated. So sad. And yet, I wonder how many, like me, found strength to survive? And years later, we are the ones with awareness, growth and love in our hearts whilst the rest of our family remained stuck in their limitations.
Thank you, Chewbacca, Sago and Smileless2012 for your kind and loving words, so appreciated. I agree, it’s my feeling too that my mother should experience the consequences of her decisions, she has mental capacity to make choices. What I find difficult is that my aunt and uncle in their 80’s live next door to mum and are tearing their hair out because they’re being played and coerced by my mum. She makes them feel guilty and they can’t create and enforce boundaries. I sense it’s their journey to stand up for their own needs. I feel for them but my attempts to support them and encourage my mum to consider their needs are going nowhere. I am stepping away now, passing power of attorney and responsibility to my elder brother so I can just have a relationship with my mother that’s not focused on trying to help her do things she doesn’t want because it makes our relationship even harder. She doesn’t have the capacity to feel empathy, compassion or gratitude for my aunt and uncle. She simply doesn’t get it, expressing instead entitlement and self-centredness.

Asherah Sun 05-Dec-21 23:47:05

Hetty58, one good parent is a blessing, I am glad you had such an amazing dad x

welbeck Mon 06-Dec-21 02:15:23

thank you, Smileless.

Smileless2012 Mon 06-Dec-21 09:03:09

Passing the power of attorney to your brother is an excellent decision Asherah and I hope that doing so relieves some of the stress and pressure you're under.

It's awful to see those you love being manipulated and being unable to do anything about it. You're right of course, it's up to your aunt and uncle to take care of themselves in this situation but that doesn't make it any easier for you to witnessflowers.

Your welcome welbeck. I kept thinking about that yesterday; such an awful thing to doflowers.

Brendawymms Mon 06-Dec-21 09:50:01

I was never wanted, the youngest of four, and female as well.
Physical and emotional abuse followed. I used to rehearse in my head what I wanted to say to my mother before I said it.
I watch The Repair Shop and hear people talk about their wonderful parents and grandparents and I’m plain jealous.
I had counselling in my 40’s and came to terms with much but the heart ache remains to this day.

Gagagran Mon 06-Dec-21 10:01:22

I was a war baby - the fourth child ( had a brother later so 5 in the end) and was told at quite a young age by my Mum's sister, my Aunt, that I was a mistake caused by my Dad coming home on leave! She said it was a Rendells failure. I had no idea what that was and did not dare ask anyone as I sensed it was not a topic to broach!

It did upset me for a long time but my sadness was finally eased when I was given some old birthday cards Mum had kept in a chocolate box and found one to me, from her, for my first birthday which said "To my precious". That was a special moment and I have cherished those three words ever since. She did love me.

VioletSky Mon 06-Dec-21 15:37:09

I was told that I was my mums second chance, she had given a baby girl up for adoption and she was so happy when she had me as I was a miracle to replace my sister. Sometimes I wonder if that's what broke my mum and made her abusive, coupled with her own abusive upbringing. Because I was a difficult baby, always crying, never slept, never stayed still, always running away. More like a punishment she told me later, always a difficult child.

I'm so sorry to everyone who had had to hear similar things.

Keep healing, make the rest of your life the best of your life

Shelbel Mon 06-Dec-21 15:51:38

Sorry to hear this Cally. So sad that she felt it necessary to tell you that. Its also difficult when your siblings don't contact you.

crazyH Mon 06-Dec-21 16:02:48

So sad, Cally. I hope you are now surrounded by love flowers

crazyH Mon 06-Dec-21 16:10:53

P.S. Had the most idyllic childhood. Adulthood, not that brilliant. Cheating husband, divorce and a 'difficult' middle child ....fingers crossed for a hassle free Christmas !! 😂

missingmarietta Mon 06-Dec-21 19:58:36

I was definitely aa mistake. But my grandmother brought me up and she was kind and lovely to me. When my mother married my stepfather and I had to live with them, my mothers attitude to me changed and she was emotionally distant and verbal cruel at times, I also didn't have enough to eat.
Their 2 children were the apples on their eye and I was just a nuisance. It affected my confidence deeply although I have sought help. To this day I can get kicked into the feelings of rejection and being in the way. Half sister and half brother do not contact me now our mother has died, and never really accepted me anyway. It hurts, despite the fact I have sons and grandchildren. I live on my own and am very much on my own. Hard to shake off the feeling of isolation/being left out. My thoughts go out to others who have experienced the pain and after effects.

lemsip Tue 07-Dec-21 07:23:56

It's a nasty mother who tells a child they were a mistake!

.......born in the war fourth and two more after me....All mistakes so to speak. no pill and planning back then.....never sat on mothers knee or told we were loved...felt loved of course, that's how it once was.