SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

It's good to hear from you Socksandsocks good that you're keeping busy.

Good to hear you are ok Socks.

Well here's a turn up for the books.......

DIL is all sweetness and light again. I'm back in favour. ??

It's ok I'm not taken in. It's just part of the "Hoovering". Plus there's an ulterior motive .........she has a family member coming to the U.K.

She won't want to look bad in front of them so she is trying to mend fences before they arrive and act as if nothing is amiss. She must think I'm gullible and stupid.

She wants to play Happy Families. Well I'll play along because it suits me. I get to see my grandchildren. I win. I knew she'd cave eventually.

However, the rules of engagement have now changed. Now she has overplayed her hand and revealed her true nature I know exactly where I stand and what I need to do. I will go D.E.E.P and keep her at arms length. She doesn't need to know my business.

The end justifies the means......the end goal after all is to maintain a relationship with my grandchildren.

Not sure how long the truce will last......she will doubtless renege again in due course. But at least I know what to expect. I won't be blindsided again.

She's certainly staying true to form isn't she DerbyshireLass and at least now you know the games she plays so IMO the cards are heavily stacked in your favour.

We can only hope that this truce will be a long one but just make sure you enjoy every moment you get to spend with your son and GC, which of course you will.

Thanks Smiles.....your comment about the cards being heavily stacked in my favour made me chuckle. But....what a pity we have to play what are, in effect, War Games - that we have to strategise everything, just to protect our backs,

I don't know how long the truce will last either but I think I have a much better chance of coping now, thanks to all I have learned in the last few weeks - from this thread, my real life friends, and a couple of websites I've found.

8 weeks ago I was blindsided, it hit me for six. Now I'm more knowledgeable and a lot more prepared.

I stumbled across a brilliant blog/podcast yesterday by a guy called H.G. Tudor (narcsite.com). He writes as a self confessed narcissist/psychopath. TBH I am not sure if that's true or just a persona he employs to make his points. I don't think that a true narc would show the self awareness he demonstrates. So I think he's a psychologist who simply writes/speaks as a narc to get the message across. It's done in a sarky jokey sort of way and I really enjoy his dark humour.

His podcasts are brilliant.....he has a wonderful speaking voice and I could listen to him for hours. But it's his thoughts and observations which are just so incisive. With an almost surgical precision he analyses situations and explains them from an entirely objective viewpoint. He's obviously a very intelligent man and very experienced in his field. He knows his stuff.

As the old saying goes...."Knowledge is power". Once we learn what we are up against then we have the tools to deal with it. Now that I have seen behind the facade I know DIL for what she is. What has been seen cannot be unseen.

So........As The Who once sang. "I won't get fooled again". ?

DerbyshireLass I hope this truce lasts but at least this time you will be in control . You can nip things in the bud before she reverts back to her old ways.

Just don't let your guard down and protect yourself.

Had my appointment come for my heart MRI for the 18th in the mobile unit. Which is scary as it's blocked off at one end. But I know I can do it. I have had it done before.
Had ECG done yesterday and today went to AF clinic today had bloods and ECG done. Haven't got to go again until the beginning of November.

Derbyshire, I know at the moment you think you have control, however I am afraid what she is doing is classic, with a narcissist you can’t win, only by walking away.. This nice facade doesn’t last, only as long as it suit them. In the meantime her husband is taken in, children enjoy normal family life, then because you can’t stop on high alert, they do it again. I speak from experience, the roller coaster broke me and it took a long time. Unfortunately they hold all the cards. ie your son and their children. The man you mention, I can’t see a true narcissist doing and saying what he does, because they are always right and don’t make excuses for bad behaviour as they don’t recognise it.
Whiff I am so pleased everything looking positive for you health wise, to lose all that weight, all the extra exercise your getting has obviously paid off. Well done.

I remember playing 'Happy Families' as a child and it was such a fun card game; not like the one you're having to play with your d.i.l. DerbyshireLass.

Those podcasts sound very interesting. I agree he must be playing the role of a narcissist as there's no way they ever take responsibility for their own behaviour, just blame everyone else. A clever way of putting his points across though.

Oooh Whiff I hope I never have to have an MRI. My claustrophobia is so bad, they'd have to knock me out just to get me in there!!!

You're so brave, all these hospital appointments to face on your own. Hope the results are OK, just keep us posted.

You've certainly been through an emotional wringer Allsorts. I'm just so grateful that we don't have to put up with the crap they serve up on a daily basis.

Forewarned is forearmed and DerbyshireLass has certainly had an 8 week crash course on what to expect from a narcissist. It has to be experienced to be believed doesn't it.

Allsorts.....thanks for the warnings.

I am sorry you speak from bitter experience, it's so tough isn't it. Tbh I would love to walk away......if it was just her I would, without a backward glance. However, I feel I have to stick around if only for the sake of the children. They are the innocents here.

I don't know about "Happy Families" ........it feels more like a high stakes game of Poker. It's my family's health and safety that are under threat, so the stakes are very high.

I was the victim of a narcissistic father, made the scapegoat and forced to endure his cruelty, bullying and vicious temper. I know first hand what it is like to be a helpless child stuck in such a toxic family dynamic. I feel duty bound to do all I can to protect my grandchildren from such a fate. I have to stay in their life, they have no one else. They might need a safe haven. And despite what my son thinks or believes he will need me one day.

Smileless you are right.........it's only when you witness narcissistic abuse with your own eyes or experience it first hand as a victim do you really understand. Unfortunately it can take the victim years before they get it. As a child I didn't know what a narcissist was, I didn't know that his treatment of me was abuse, I didnt know that my mother was his enabler and that my sister was the golden child. All I knew at the time was that it, whatever "it" was, wasnt right, that it wasn't how normal people lived.

But I know now and I'm learning more all the time. As Smiles says Forewarned is forearmed so I am making it my business to educate myself about narcissism. I know a lot more than I did 8 weeks ago. "Know thine enemy".
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You are absolutely right Allsorts, I will have to remain vigilant and not let my guard down. Depressing thought isn't it. It's not what I wanted, it's no way to live.

Whiff.....my word you are going through a lot at the moment. Your medical team seem to be pulling out all the stops to help you. There's an awful lot going on, all those tests and clinic visits must be dreadfully tiring for you. Try to rest and up your self care.

Stay well my friends.

Good Mornjng....

Beautiful day here, up with the larks, washing on the line, have done a supermarket run. All's quiet in the western front. I'm going to go for a walk later, and then potter about.

'All's quiet on the western front' that's good to know DerbyshireLass.

I've got some accounts to do for our church this afternoon then the dog to walk later, the length of the walk will depend on whether or not it rains and if it does, and our little poodle has any say, it will be very short.

Been a nice day here all day. Just back from my exercise class we did 55 mins today. Emily took our green resist bands off us today and gave us pink ones. They are stronger so it's working our muscles more.

I don't mind all the tests at least they are helping me DerbyshireLass . Some of the tests I had done in the late 80's and early 90's would make you cringe. Testing has come a long way since those days.

My brother phoned today with some good news his eldest daughter and her boyfriend got engaged yesterday. They have been together for 12 years since they where 16. I have 2 nieces and a nephew .

Just having a rest before I sort out my craft stuff for tomorrow afternoons group.

Have a good evening everyone. ?

Hi Whiff pleased you enjoyed your exercises.

Great news about your niece; congratulations to her.

Just thought I should say, in case you're in any doubt, you're amazing x

Ooh I remember playing happy families the card game. That takes me back smiles.
It's beyond a shame that our real families are full of so much hurt.
Oh a good day for you Whiff - lovely!

Oh dear, Mr. S. and I are in fits of laughter messing about with those Squashie Drumsticks sweets, the raspberry and milk ones. Putting one either side of our mouths at the top, so the white bit hangs down like huge teeth.

I think we must be cracking up!!!!!

Smiles loved to hear about what you and Mr S are up to. They are things we used to do. It shows how much you love and care for eachother that you can do silly things that make you laugh. Laughing a being silly is the sign you are with the other half of you.

When the film Twister came out we where in Scotland on holiday. We went to see it. Mr W had a big carton of popcorn and we all dipped in . When a cow went flying passed and then another one. One of the actors said it was the same cow my twit of a husband thought this was hilarious and the popcorn went flying. When we left the cinema all 4 of us where covered in popcorn stuck to our clothes. We couldn't stop laughing.

You saying all the things you and Mr S do brings back happy memories for me . Thank you.

Thank for saying you think I am amazing but I am very ordinary . Whatever life throws at me I just get on with it just like we all do. We all get through each day the best way we can. If life was easy that would be so boring.

What happens to us makes who we are . It would be so easy to give up. But to me that's a cowards way out. It takes more strength and courage to face whatever hits you next.

Yesterday had a lovely time at craft group more of the old faces where there. We all caught up on our families . The age range in the group is from 30's to 80's it's lovely we have so much to talk about. The 2 hours fly by. I am the only cross stitcher but love seeing what others do. Mainly crochet and knit. They are a group of very talented women. It's just at our local library and doesn't cost a thing.

Off to my daughter's today. Made a marble cake to take with me. Love baking but I don't keep anything as still trying to weight. ?.

Take care everyone.

That's such a lovely post Whiff; thank you.

Your craft group sounds great. I used to do a lot of cross stitch and embroidery but never managed knitting and crochet. My dear gran was brilliant at both and my mum a fantastic knitter but I didn't inherit that particular gene.

I did make a matinee jacket for DS while I was pregnant but it took me ages because if I went wrong I had to wait for mum or gran to sort out the mess I'd made.

The baby garments my gran made for both boys are so beautiful that I still have them.

Hope you have a good day at your D's and that everyone does something today that brings a . x

Can't beat a good bit of larking round smiles. You gave me a lovely picture to carry in my head chuckling my way to bed.

That's brilliant whiff. I can just picture you all.
I'm jealous of the crafting group it sounds lovely.

Another lovely morning here. We're off to our lodge later this afternoon for 2 weeks, really looking forward to a nice long break there.

In a few weeks time we'll have been living here for 5 years and it will be 9 years since we were estranged. 9 yearsjust doesn't seem possible that it's been so long, and to think friends and family were saying when it first happened, don't worry he'll be back!!!

Smiles have a wonderful time at the lodge with Mr S.

One of my crafter's said that to me about my son coming back. But she added when he's divorced the bxxxx.
But I know he won't do that because he loves his sons to much and he loves her.

Just shed a few tears. I was writing on another thread a nan asking what to do with presents for grandchildren. I said what happened to me.

Then my wonderful daughter text me to ask if I wanted to go with her to take the boys to see Father Christmas in December. Hence the tears.

Both raised the same but it's who they love and marry that makes the difference.

Well sun's out. Going to have a drink and into the garden.

Have a good day everyone ?

Have a lovely time Smiles. Hope the weather is kind.

Gorgeous day here again, a gardening day.

Have a good time smileless
Lots of reading on here to catch up with but I can't remember all that was said and by whom, but im comforted by the very wise advice given.
Thanks so much to you all.?
One day please God peace of mind..

Just caught up on this thread, so jealous of you Smiles - two lovely quiet weeks away - if only. Had to laugh at some of Derbyshirelass's tactics - makes us sound like a Gran's version of Dad's Army dealing with these ES's

I like that Elless "a Gran's version of Dad's Army dealing with these ES's" . "Don't panic, don't panic" came into my head when I read your post.

That sounds lovely Whiff, one of so many things we never did and never will get to do with our GC. I'd have loved to have been able to take them to see Father Christmas.

Thanks for your good wishes everyone. I'm really looking forward to it and gave Mr. S. a list of the things I'd like to do and places I'd like to go while we're there.

Well I have had a really productive weekend. Autumn planting now finished, shrubs cut back, garden furniture now stored away in my nice clean and tidy shed. Everywhere ship shape and ready for winter.

Have left some plants in until the frost kills them and have left some piles of leaves for wildlife protection. Absolutely shattered now but feeling chuffed with what I've achieved.

Had to laugh at the "Dads Army" reference. Very funny. Its good we can laugh at ourselves.

Life isn't all rainbows and unicorns........sometime we just need to be able to see the funny side. ?

It's a beautiful day here and I've been very productive and de frosted the freezer so feeling very pleased with myself.

Not the best of starts when we arrived yesterday. I was in the living room and heard a weird wooshing sound, looked round and there was my gorgeous little poodle, standing on one of the back cushions of the corner group, doing a wee.

He wasn't even bothered when I let out a shriek!!!! Just as well there was a throw on the cushion and it absorbed most of it, and a good job he's only little, that said it's amazing just how much he can do.

We call him amongst other things 'little man' and I told him if he ever does it again he'll be minus his little man. Used my stern voice and stern look but he was suitably unimpressed; little bugger.