SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

DerbyshireLass sorry missed the bit about your new venture. My daughter always loved vintage. She brought a beautiful cream lace dress years ago. Don't know if she still has it. Her engagement ring is a 1930's sapphire and diamond .
Are you on Esty? Wish you lots of sales especially with Christmas coming.

Elless meant to say sorry to hear about the delays with your treatment. Must be so frustrating for you. Hope it goes ahead on 27th.

Thanks everyone for all our good wishes with my little business venture. It won't make me rich, it's just a little hobby business.

I have always loved clothes and fashion so it's nice to be able to turn a passion into an interesting sideline which brings in a few extra pennies. And the beauty of it is I can "work?" as much or as little as suits me.

Looks like we are going to have some sunshine here today so I will be taking the mannequin outside to take some photos. Better light.

Have a good day. Onwards and upwards.

Oops sorry Whiff, no not on Etsy yet. Must give it a go.

Morning Smileless Derbyshirelass

I'm downsizing, the buying & selling has been an absolute nightmare, but think all's going in the right direction now and think I'll be moved by Xmas.

The best advise I heard, short & sweet, was to carry on as if nothing had happened. So go round with Xmas gifts, birthday gifts. Having said that, no doubt they would have been thrown back at me, unless the GC took them in & I then left. Also they called the police on me, saying I tried to kidnap my GD, when I was no where near her, just trying to talk with my estD in the park adjacent to GD play school. So hard to carry on like that.

Looking back at that first 6yrs, after which I pulled myself together and turned a corner, I don't know how I'm still here, as I was so suicidal.

At bottom of page, so will post and read more..

* Derbyshirelass* Well done on re starting your business and good luck [shamerock]

"carry on as if nothing had happened" certainly easier said than done Yogin. Being estranged is one of the worse things that can possibly happen.

Buying and selling property is so stressful isn't it. You worry about getting a buyer and keeping them. You worry about the chain you can find yourself in breaking down. Just one broken link can scupper the entire process.

When we moved 5 years ago next month, we ended up 'up sizing'. We bought for less than we sold but the house is the biggest and loveliest one we've ever had.

I woke up that first morning to the sound of sea gulls and smiled. I smile every morning when I wake up and hear them because I'm so thankful that we made the move.

It was the beginning of a wonderful new chapter in our lives and I hope that your's will be the same for you.

Yogin I brought and sold 2 years ago. On my own . It was a nightmare. My first buyer pulled out day of exchange, second buyer 4 days before exchange. Third buyer I accepted bit less than I wanted as it was supposed to be a quick sale. Their solicitor was a nightmare so instead of being here in May finally got here August 2019. Luckily everytime the executors of the will for the bungalow waited for me. So I got my dream home. Took 2 years of to get it as I want . Been lucky with my tradesmen. Everything is cheaper up here. Eg my friend had the exactly same up and over garage door as I did cost her £1,500 me £800.

Fingers and toes crossed everything goes through for you. Don't exchange and complete on the same day. Exchange a week before. And remember once exchange has taken place you have to take out building insurance on your new home even though it's still covered by vendors insurance.

After beveveament,moving house and estrangement are the worst things you can go through . Stress levels through the roof.

Take care and hope all goes well.

Good morning everyone, friends old and new.

I am sorry that I haven't posted for a while, but I would like to rejoin the thread now, at least for a while, if that's ok. We are coming up to the first anniversary of my husband's death, so I have been grieving for him, trying to sort out various financial and practical matters, as well as attempting to rebuild my shattered life. It all takes a lot of energy and sometimes I just feel exhausted, as well as suffering from 'brain fog', both classic symptoms of grieving.

My current situation is that I have a good relationship with DD, who sends messages most days, and we have very long telephone calls every week or two. She has the DGDs with her when we FaceTime and they are delighted to come and say hello, and DD is obviously very happy to have me back in her life. She is expecting DGS1 early next year. However, I see very little of them in person, partly because of the distance, but also because of SIL. He has mellowed to the extent of not minding DD contacting me, but he told DD that he didn't want me to visit very often.

DD has recently told me that she cut off contact with the family because he insisted that she do so, that she would have liked DH there when she got married, that the birth of DGD1 was concealed for 14 months because SIL thought that if anything happened to DD, I might try to take her from him. DD said that she had to choose and that she chose him. She adores him and seems to just accept everything he says, there is no 'I' any longer, everything is 'We', which is fine in itself, save that she seems to have lost the power of independent thought. She has cut off all of her friends and there is no contact with her sisters, although I am pleased to say that there was a brief reconciliation before DH's death. In fact, they haven't quarrelled since, it's just that DD cut them off and they have got used to her not being a part of their lives. They wish her well, but the relationships have been probably irretrievably damaged by the three years of silence.

DD and SIL are using the inheritance from DH to buy a smallholding in a remote part of the Emerald Isle, which will mean that DD will be even more isolated, and it will be harder to visit, although I am determined to do so. I really don't mind if SIL doesn't want to see me, as long as he does not obstruct my relationship with DD and the DGC. My take on it is that he is prepared to put up with me, if he thinks that there may be something in it for him.

I did have a stage of being very angry with DD and told her that she had hurt DH and that 'ghosting' was emotionally abusive, that her previous conduct made it hard to form an attachment to the DGDs, as I could not deal with being hurt again. This upset her a lot, but I felt I needed to say it. She just seemed to want to pick up where we left off, but it is difficult with so much water under the bridge. I know that I need to work on forgiveness, but I was so angry that DH missed out on her wedding day (to be fair, it was the cheapest Registry Office slot SIL could find and didn't even involve a ceremony, just signing papers), as well as the first year of DGD1's life. I know that DD did not know that DH was going to die but, by the time we got to see DGD1 (by which time DGD2 had been born), DH had been diagnosed with terminal cancer, and then we had lockdown.

Having thought about matters further though, I have reached the conclusion that DD is herself possibly the biggest victim in all this. We nearly all feel guilty when we lose someone close, mostly irrationally, but she must feel dreadful, as well as thinking of all of the time she missed with her father. DD2 actually feels sorry for her. And DD1 regrets the breakdown of the relationship with her sisters, she said it makes her feel that she has failed, and I think she must look at her DDs, who are close in age and play together, and remember her childhood. Certainly, she has been reminiscing about her childhood and times with DH. I know that she grieves for him deeply, although she is distracted by her busy life with plans for moving, and the DGDs, and the forthcoming birth. But I know that she feels excluded from the family unit, which is sad, but she excluded herself from it. I always think that the two saddest words in the English language are 'Too late'.

Anyway, my apologies for the length of this post, but a lot has happened since I last posted. Sending best wishes to all those who are dealing with the unique pain of estrangement, and thank you for sharing your stories with us and for all of the support. And special thanks to Smileless for starting the thread.

Having thought about matters further though, I have reached the conclusion that DD is herself possibly the biggest victim in all this

Petit Fromage I am glad that you have been able to maintain contact with your daughter and also sorry that the above is so true. So often posters, estranged or fearing it, have tried to explain the troubling impact of partners on their AC and I think it is so kind and helpful of you to detail how your daughter, clearly in the middle of this situation, has explained herself to you. She is clearly still heavily influenced but at least she has you.

It is hard for you coming up to the anniversary if your husbands death and good that you have your AC to support you, and you them.

How lovely to come on here this morning and see your post PF. Of course you're welcome, you don't have to ask if it's OK but since you have; *yes it's more than OK*.

I'm so pleased that your reconciliation is going from strength to strength. It's a shame that your s.i.l.'s personal inadequacies make seeing your D difficult and of course the children too, but as I was reading through your post, the thought did strike me that this may be making this part of your journey more secure.

He's clearly terrified of your D having anyone other than him, and those he deems 'suitable' in her life so the form your contact is taking in the main, defuses his perceived threat, and enables regular contact that otherwise may not have been possible.

IMO what you said, needed to be said. I don't see how there can be any chance of a successful reconciliation unless these things are discussed.

It's the lack or total absence of open and honest communication that for me, is the cause of our estrangements. You cannot fix something if you don't know that it is, and where it's broken.

I think your D is the biggest victim in this tragic scenario. A victim of coercive control that too often I've seen rubbished here on GN by those who refuse to accept that not all EP's were/are bad parents.

Married without her parents there. Going through her first pregnancy without the support of her mum must have been extremely difficult. Making that initial contact after 3 years only to find that her dad had terminal cancer and there wasn't much time left to begin to right the wrongs.

Thank goodness she made contact when she did. How much more difficult would it be for her now, if your DH had already died, had he not had that wonderful time of his wonderful wife and all 3 of his daughters at his bedside toward the end of his life.

This was not something she'd ever considered, and I wonder if any of our EAC have considered it either. That when the day comes, and for whatever reason they feel ready to reach out, we may not be here. We maybe dying or have already died. We maybe in good health physically but unwilling or unable to risk our mental health by embarking on a relationship with someone who quite literally broke our hearts and almost destroyed us.

I think she'll always feel to a certain extent excluded from your family unit, because sadly she always will be.

From the beginning of your reconciliation your desire to forgive has shone through. It's a work in progress dear friend. There is much to forgive and just a year since you lost your DH, you are still grieving for him as well as trying to understand and come to terms with what your D did.

I agree, that the two saddest words in the English language are "Too late".

Welcome back PF. We've missed you.

Petit Fromage.

Hello. Not much I can add, just want to say, wishing you well. Hope the anniversary of the anniversary of your husbands death goes as well as it can,

It's so good that your daughter has reconciled with you, if only it is currently mainly via telephone and face time. It's a start.

I agree with you, she is the real victim here, cut off from all her family. So sad.

Smiles. I agree. I cannot begin to imagine how EAC must feel when they discover they have left it too late to rekindle their relationships with their families. I think it must be a terrible burden for them to carry.

Coercive control sound so right and so familiar to me petit fromage A nightmare to deal with especially at a distance.
Keep communications wide open with your daughter, she will need you. She is the victim of the most heinous and unseen abuse. Keep talking. X

petitfromage I'm so glad to see an update from you.

It's fantastic to hear that you are both healing and saying those difficult things to each other but really listening to each other too.

I'm so glad that your daughters are finding a way back to each other too.

Also I think that's the right approach with SIL, concentrate on loving your daughter. It does sound as if he has made some small positive steps. I hope for yours and your daughters sake he keeps going.

I really think you will all make peace with this in time and if not, not for lack of trying which is brilliant.

PetitFromage can't add anything to what others have said concerning your daughter . But glad you have contact again. You had such a lot to deal with your husband's illness ,your daughter's estrangement and then your husband's death.

I did consider writing this as a PM but as there are other widows here hope what I have to say may help you and them.

When the other half of you dies you not only lose the love of your life, the only person in the whole wide world who knows you inside and out but you lose your present and future.

You are coming up to the first anniversary and that is so hard . You are dealing with grief that at times cripples you plus still dealing with any last minute legal matters. I would love to tell you it gets easier as the years go by to deal with the grief but in my experience it gets worse as the years go by. You just learn to cope better. But at times it hits you like a tidal wave and you crumble. I can just be sitting doing nothing and next thing I know tears are running down my face.

It will be 18 years in February since my darling died. For the first 14 years the week before the anniversary of his death until after the date of his funeral I was a sodden mess. For 14 years I relived everyday day as if I was watching a film . I relived what happened on each date. And the day he died it was like reliving it minute by minute up until I told him to stop fighting and it was time to let go . He died a few minutes later.

For 13 years I hide it from my children . They always text on the day to see how I was and always said fine. But on the 14th anniversary my daughter phoned and it all came out what it did to me. She told her brother and they both said the same thing that I should have told them how I felt. But I told them I was protecting them when they asked from what I said me. They didn't understand but I explained that it doesn't matter how old your children get you want to protect them. They still grieved for their dad. Having my grief on top of that I never wanted them to know.

But because they found out I was determined never to let it effect me that way again . And I haven't. I don't relive it anymore. I couldn't let them down also my husband would have hated knowing what his death did to me.

I have written on some breavenment threads all this but can't remember if you went on any.

I have talked out loud to my husband everyday since he died I have shouted and swore at him. I have blamed him for dieing ,my house sale falling through twice and our son throwing me away like a piece of rubbish. Sounds wicked I know but it gave me comfort it's my way of getting through each day on my own. When I am raging at him I see him looking at me with that stupid grin on his face and it makes me feel better.

I am an atheist I don't believe we will be together again . I know people take comfort in religion. And if that works for them that's good.

Making a new present and future is so hard. But we have to do it not just for our sake but for the other halves of us we have lost. I still feel half of me is missing , still sleep on my side of the bed.

I miss my husband more as the years go by but I am lucky to have had that love in my life . Some people live their be whole lives and never find the other half of themselves . We found eachother when I was 16 he was 18. We had 29 years as a couple married 22. I was 45 and he was 47 when he died 4 days after his birthday.

How you feel and what you need to do too get you through each day do it. Doesn't matter if it would seem odd to other people. Everyone copes in their own way. You have to find your own way. And that is hard. And in my experience it gets harder but you can do it.

My heart broke when my husband died it still is. Losing my son and 3 grandson's bent it but you can't break something that is already broken.

Everyone grieves in their own way you just have you to find your way. If you want to cry ,shout or punch a cushion don't fight it as it will only hurt you more if you do.

Like I said this is only my experience. If anything I have said has helped then it's been worth the tears writing this.

Do whatever makes you happy and able to cope with each day. Happiness is very important as it makes you able to cope with whatever life throws at you. Also think happiness is an under rated emotion.

Take care and know your husband would be proud of you . ?

Coercive control figures in so many of our estrangement experiences doesn't it Granniesunite. Like our EAC and yours PF's daughter is a victim.

Thank goodness she reached out before her dad died, as I posted yesterday, having failed to reconnect before hand would have been a terrible burden for her to carry.

Her relationships with her sisters will never be what they once were. It must be terrible to see your parents suffer at the hands of your own sibling.

Such a lovely and supportive post Whiff.

Thank you so much everyone for welcoming me back and for your kind and supportive posts. Whiff, it was so generous of you to write such a heartfelt and understanding post, especially as it brought back such raw memories for you. Thank you!

Thinking of you all and hoping that you are having a peaceful and happy weekend.

Thank you PetitFromage hope something I said can help you. Take care and take it one day at a time. ?

Hope you are too PF x.

Just had a scam text saying I am eligible for a Covid passport. It was from a mobile number. I didn't press the link just reported it as spam. I have the NHS app on my phone and my vaccines are on there.

Hope everyone doing ok. It’s half term and it seems as all grandparents out here with their beloved grandchildren. It brings it home.

Whitewave how do you think we can get fairer taxes?
Labour left after a good period in office and left the country up to its eyeballs in debt, kindly left a little note wishing us well. We have had Brexit and Covid, the country along with the rest of Europe are reeling from it. We are not alone in our difficulties, so it would be nice to hear how they can be sorted.

Allsorts I think you might have accidentally posted your 2nd comment on the wrong thread?

We live in a seaside town now and it's very busy at the moment so I know what you mean Allsorts, it's not easy seeing GP's with their GC but I have to say, it's a lot easier for us then it used to be.

Quick update.

Well I attended the lunch for my grandsons 1st birthday. It went well enough although I have to confess it felt a bit surreal and I didn't feel very comfortable.

Madam was on her best behaviour in front of her aunt but, if Im honest, I found it difficult to relax and enjoy it properly.

Still at least I got to see my son and grandchildren so I will be thankful for small mercies. I kept the conversation firmly fixed on them and the aunt, kept it light and was utterly gracious and charming, ?

Let's hope it was enough.

In the meantime I have been working on my business......got some good sales this week. My "autumn/winter collection" ?? is selling well. I haven't breathed a word to DIL. She will doubtless be quite put out if she finds out that I'm actually making a success of it this time.

One in the eye for her. Ha ha.

Yes I've noticed lots of gps out and about with their grandchildren. DIL invited me to go out for afternoon tea this afternoon. It was very short notice and not really convenient so I declined.

In the past I would have cancelled my plans and made myself available. I have decided not to do that anymore. I am going to play hard to get sometimes, see if it helps her learn to treat me with a bit more respect. Lol.