SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

DerbyshireLass you are like a different person from your first post. You are showing your true nature. The strong warrior woman has come out to play and you are winning.

Glad your business is going well love you saying your autumn/ winter collection. Instead of the house of Elliot it's the house of DerbyshireLass. Hope you get the reference.

Sorry for posting on the wrong forum, I never look at that particular one as I find it very one sided, however that day I did and responded on the wrong forum.
PF agree with everything already said. It is very hard coming to terms living without your husband and I am glad you have your once estranged daughter back in your life. Whatever the problems the main thing is she loved her dad and loves you, everything else you can deal with.

Thanks Whiff. Seems strange to say but I feel a different person,

Actually it's funny you should say that because just the other day someone who has only known me as a widow commented along similar lines. She said it was as if I had been reborn and she was getting a glimpse of who and what I must have been before my husbands death,

Perhaps my DIL has done me a favour. Lol

Wouldn't that be ironic. She would hate that. All that hatred and vitriol towards me has backfired. Instead of destroying me it has made me stronger, made snap out of my grief and misery. I was definitely in the doldrums for a long while, just drifting and existing but I do seem to have come out of that phase.

Maybe it was the shock of what happened but I really do feel that Ive finally got my mojo back.

And as odd as it might sound if the worst comes to the worst and estrangement does happen I am pretty certain I will be able to cope with it.

I think it was just complete shock of those texts arriving out of the blue that just floored me. If it happens again then at least I won't be blindsided.

I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am pretty certain estrangement will happen sooner or later. At least I know what to expect.

It would be wonderful if someone could let her know DerbyshireLass, just drop into a conversation how well and happy you've been looking lately, that you've got your home and garden looking fab and you've re started your business which is doing really well.

Hopefully it wont come to estrangement but if it does you'll be OK. If you'd seen me just 4 years ago you wouldn't recognise me as the person I am today and that was almost 5 years since it happened.

She's a cheeky minx........sent me a text this morning, telling me she has ordered Halloween costumes for the boys and they are being delivered here. Would that be ok ?? ??.

As luck would have it I had to stay in anyway because I was expecting deliveries of my own. However, it would have been nice if she had cleared it with me before ordering, rather than blithely going ahead.

Entitled or what. ?.

You have to laugh.......

I am no longer the mom my son knew as he is no longer the son I knew.

The son I knew would never have hurt me the way he has. But I am a lot stronger than I was. If he ever got in touch which I don't hold out any hope he would find a different woman. Someone who will not put up with any bullshit ,lies or rudeness. Any trust I had in him he killed not me. And if he expected forgiveness I have none to give.

But I know who I am. And I like this new stronger me. Yes I miss him and my grandson's all the time and that will never change.

But I have to live for the now and future the past is gone. And finding this thread saved me because I know I am not alone and have found understanding ,support and most importantly friendship. So thank you all. ❤️

Will she be fetching them or your son? Or is she expecting you to deliver them ?

Smiles. I guess we just have to move forward at our own pace. I just felt that at my age I couldn't afford to waste any more time on tears. I needed to pick myself up and make the most of the time I have left, not wait around for them to change their minds,

Actually, If I'm honest I'm still not fully "healed". I can still feel quite fragile and upset when I stop and think about the vile things she said and the way they both gave me the silent treatment, the way my son just caved in and more or less threw me under the bus. I can't forget how it felt and I could easily sit and brood over it. I still wake up feeling anxious and jittery sometimes.

I'll never forget her cruelty and his cowardice and I will never trust either of them again. And I'll never forgive them for how they made me feel. I will always be on my guard with them.

I know I might sound as if I'm bearing a grudge. I'm not, I wish them no malice or ill will but it's just once something has been broken, it's never the same again.

You can't repair trust once it has been broken......at least I can't. I will always have that nagging doubt at the back of my mind. Hey ho......I'm not going to let it defeat me. I'll continue to try and live my best life.

Got my covid booster on Saturday. They want to do the flu jab at the same time. I think that's too much of a good thing in one go so I'm going to ask if I can just have the covid. I can always pay and get the flu jab done at a later date at the chemist if needs be.

Whiff

Will she be fetching them or your son? Or is she expecting you to deliver them ?

Well I'm certainly not delivering them........??

You are so right, Whiff.

It may not have been their intention or part of their master plan but what they have done to us has made us stronger. They sought to destroy us, but it backfired didn't it, And like you, I rather like this new stronger me.

It's made me realise just how resilient I really am.

I often think about this.......just how much grit we old warrior queens actually possess.

Our sons and our DILs don't seem to have half of our inner strength and resilience. Maybe we didn't at their age, maybe it only comes with age and life experience, although I'm pretty sure I've always been emotionally strong. I had to be with a father like mine,,,,,?. He was about as much use as a father as a chocolate tea pot.

As for my mum ......she was too cowed and under his thumb to be of much use to me. So from a very early age I had to be independent and stand on my own two feet. I practically brought myself up, I certainly had to be mum to my little sister. Far too much responsibility on my young shoulders but I got through it.

I sometimes wonder if I overcompensated with my kids, if it is my fault that my son has turned into such an emotional coward. And yet his younger brother shows much more resilience and emotional intelligence, so maybe I can't have got it so badly wrong.

They always were chalk and cheese and tbh I still hold DIL largely responsible for the change in my son. It is too easy for an outsider to say why doesn't just grow a backbone but I think it's not that simple when there are children involved. Whilst our DILs use the children as pawns our sons are somewhat emasculated. So sad really. Not my idea of a healthy happy relationship. It wouldn't do for me. I do feel sorry for my son, it's not much of a life for him really, although I don't think realises the full horror of his marriage.

Or maybe he does and he's just resigned himself to it. ?‍♀️

Oooh I think I'd have been tempted to say that I was planning on going out on my broom stick, but would wait until they'd been delivered Derbyshirelass. In fact, I'm pretty sure that would have been my response.

You've done absolutely the right thing. Had there been people I could have shared with who'd accepted that the relationship with their AC was over, and had found a life after estrangement, I think it would have helped.

As it was, the few of us who were here on GN were all new at it, still in those awful early days, weeks and months and I know this sounds really strange, but I don't think any of us then knew or even believed we'd get over it, at least enough to have a life without them.

I think that about our ES son too. "I don't think he realises the full horror of his marriage. Or maybe he does and he's just resigned himself to it".

It's terrible isn't it, like living on the film set of horror movie. Most of the time I feel nothing, and when I do it's either rage or the most terrible, indescribable pain.

Amen to that post Whiff I couldn't have put it better. myself.

Allsorts thank you for your comments.

I want to say how brilliantly everybody seems to be coping. Derbyshire Lass, I find your posts inspirational and am so impressed that you have moved so far in such a short time. As you know, I have been absent from the thread for a while but, coming back, I am struck by the change in attitude, the strength and resilience being displayed here. I love the phrase "warrior queens'!

I understand the yearning and feelings of regret which may arise on seeing other grandparents out and about with their grandchildren, clearly enjoying a relationship which is just, you know, normal. None of us have that, unfortunately, but then lots of people don't have grandchildren or children at all. Like Derbyshire Lass and Whiff, having faced the loss of DH, I feel that if I can survive that, I can survive anything. Life, as we know, is fragile, and we owe it to our beloved dead to make the most of the life we have. We need to appreciate what we have rather than mourning for what we don't have - that way, madness and bitterness lie.

It is wonderful to see such a positive attitude on here!

PetitFromage you will survive losing your other half. It's hard and a daily struggle but you can do it. In my case the loss has only got worse as the years have gone by but I cope better. But I am living my life for my husband as well as myself. Like I said making a new present and future is hard but you can do it. Being estranged from my son hurts but I know if his dad had lived he would never have done it. While it hurts also made me so mad knowing that.

We are all warrior Queens. Because no matter what life throws at us we face it head on. Ok we have a battle but ultimately we win the war. Will take longer than we would like sometimes but we do win in the end.

We have to look after ourselves and our loved ones. I know as I get older health issues are croping up. But since my seizures have stopped my life has been better all thanks to my new neurologist and 2 little tablets. Ok my heart is playing up but I am coping with that due to brilliant support from the hospital and GP.

We have to put ourselves first and those who have husband's or partners as well. As they may be having health problems as well.

What our children have done to us will rebound on them when their children become adults. And I would love to live long enough to see that. It's not being vindictive as my son called me but would love for him and my daughter in law to feel how much it hurts. They have dished it out see if they can take it.

Smiles you mentioning broom stick my husband always said every Halloween his mother was riding hers tonight?. Still makes me smile remembering that every Halloween.

I think the hurt is like a scab. The hurt comes back if it comes off before it's fully healed. Terrible analogy I know but can't think of another one.

Take care everyone and as my dad would say don't let the buggers grind you down. ?

I wonder if Elless had her operation on the 27th?

Morning everyone. Yes Whiff Elless has had her op, she started a thread about it yesterday I think but I can't remember which forum.

Mr. S. looks out at the sky every Halloween now to see if he can spot our ES's wife riding her's.

Not a terrible analogy at all Whiff. We know that if you keep picking at a scab it wont heal, likewise if you don't protect it so it can't be knocked off accidentally or even deliberately, by some one else the healing process will take much longer. That's why taking care of our selves is the most important thing we can do.

What a great post PF. When we're all posting away here on a regular basis I don't think we always realise just how well we are all doing, so it's really uplifting and positive to see your post, because you've been away for a while, you've noticed.

Even better that you're back of course.

Morning

My son picked up the parcels. It was quite late because the parcel delivery guy was delayed due to heavy traffic caused by all the road works round here at the moment.

He had the baby in the car because he had been fussing and wouldn't settle, so my son got him to go to sleep in the car. My son didn't stay so as not to wake the baby, although I could tell he wanted to by the way he loitered a bit. He seemed quite wistful and looked very tired. I could tell he wanted to talk. When he gave me a hug, it was a close and lingering hug, not the perfunctory duty hugs he has been giving me of late, it had real warmth to it. Those "duty" hugs hurt me more than anything else so it felt nice to be hugged with real affection and feeling.

It seems my "tactics" for want of a better word are having the desired effect. Me pulling away seems to have made my son realise what he is in danger of losing if he's not careful. Madam too has modified her behaviour towards me, although I'm under no illusions that she will be able to sustain her sweetness and light act in the long term. She will be up to her old tricks soon enough. Whether or not my son can withstand another onslaught and fight his corner to keep our relationship going remains to be seen, but it's nice to know he's trying.

It's sad that I have had to withdraw and employ what I call my Red velvet rope policy but, so far, it does seem to be working. What a shame I didn't employ it earlier but I didn't so there's no point torturing myself. What's done is done, we can all be wise with the benefit of hindsight.

As my husband used to joke. "If only I had had the foresight to have the benefit of hindsight".

I think you are right Whiff, we may lose the battle but ultimately we can win the war. Maybe I'm over optimistic, but I take the view that even if full estrangement does happen, it's not the end of the story. It's just a chapter in the great book of life. I'm pretty convinced that one day most EACs will come to regret their actions. They will realise just how stupid and shortsighted they have been, and they will come to feel shame and remorse. They will want to come back into the fold.

However, when that day comes they may be in for the shock of their lives. They may be ready to reconcile but it might not be possible. Their parents, if they are still alive, might not want to kill the fatted calf, It may be too late to make amends.

Even if these foolish EACs are lucky enough to still have their estranged parents they may find that their parents have hardened their hearts. And who could blame parents who do not wish to reconcile, when the hurt and pain runs so deep. I think anyone who has been hurt so badly has every right to say "no thank you, never again".

The EAC will only have themselves to blame. What they have sown they will reap.

And even if they are lucky enough to be accepted back into their families, it may be tears down the line before reap the real whirlwind that lies ahead. These EAC are so blinded by rage, jealousy and hatred they don't seem to be able to grasp that they are setting their own children a terrible example. They are teaching them that relationships are merely transactions and that people are expendable. Our grandchildren may grow up believing that people can be tossed aside if they cease to be "of value". What our ACs have done may well come back to haunt them tenfold. Their pain will be so much worse for them than it is for us because they will realise that they brought it on themselves. We at least have clear consciences, we can sleep easy. Their sorrow will be compounded by guilt and will be much harder to bear. I wouldn't want to be in their shoes.

Years down the line, not tears. Although they probably will shed tears.

Morning everyone, trying too hard to do things on my own this morning and put my foot down, I've only got a back slab on at the moment so it's throbbing a bit now .
Isn't it a shame that hindsight will eventually creep up on our EC and they will (hopefully) regret all this. I remember treating my Mum awfully and saying that she never did anything for me and now I realise how much she actually did and I can't thank her for it.

You have to be careful Elless take things easy 'one step at a time' if you'll excuse the pun!!

Don't really know what to say about the second paragraph of your post apart from it's very moving x

I remember a few years ago during a difficult conversation with our DS, he said 'you do realise mum if this isn't resolved you'll take it to the grave' I agreed and pointed out that at that time I'm be dead and it would be his brother who'll have to live with it, not me.

Ahhh those hugs DerbyshireLass. How I long for such a hug from DS whose so far away in Aus. and how much I miss those hugs from ES.

So pleased you had a mug with meaning, hugs like that say all of the things we don't know what to say or are maybe afraid to say; a bit of both for you son IMO.

Ooh be careful Elless, take it easy.

PF....meant to say, it's still very early days for you yet. Be kind to yourself. My husband died over 7 years ago, and it's taken me that long to get where I am now. Even then I still get the odd "widow" moment, when a fresh wave of grief washes over me. I don't fight them, I just accept I'm having a moment and ride it out.

It's turned bitterly cold here tonight, although I'm looking at beautiful sunset. Pity there's no heat the sun. Clocks go back tomorrow. Winter draws on ??

Had a good day, posted the last of this weeks sales, money is aready in my bank. I'm loving it, nkt just the financial rewards althiugh of course they are very nice ?but it's lovely that I can have a little sideline business doing something I really enjoy.

Not looking forward to my covid jab tomorrow but I've stocked up the fridge and freezer just in case I don't feel too good afterwards. I can rest up if needs be. My diary is clear for next week, so there's nothing spoiling. A few days of the sofa and Netflix and I'll be fine, ?.

DerbyshireLass I forget about the clocks thanks for the heads up. Hope your jab goes ok.

Elless take it easy and get plenty of rest and comforting foods. Unfortunately as we get older it's takes us longer to heal but it will all be worth it in the end. ?

Just realised that in my last post yesterday I put 'a mug with meaning' instead of hug!!.

Everything takes longer as we get older doesn't it Whiff apart from ironing because there's no way that particular chore can be done any quicker, or is there?.

Hope you feel OK after your jab DerbyshireLass IMO a few days on the sofa with Netflix is never a waste of time.

Make sure you keep off that foot Elless and take it easy over the weekend.

Have a good one everyone

For the last couple of days I have felt like I have a lurgy brewing up nicely. Woke up feeling pretty grim, sore throat, headache, blocked sinuses etc so decided to postpone my covid jab. Apparently there's a "super cold" doing the rounds. I don't know if that's what I have because it's not fully developed yet but I decided discretion was probably the better part of valour. No point in giving my body a double whammy.

Plus it was chucking it down....anyway I've found a nearby chemist which will do the jab in a couple of weeks. I should be over whatever it is by then and the chemist is much easier to get to than trekking into the city centre to the surgery.

The sun has come out now so after my cuppa I will toddle off for a walk, see if I can clear my head a bit and blow some of the germs away.

Whilst I was tidying up my bedroom, I caught sight of myself in the full length mirror. ??. Oh dear, the bag lady is back again, not a good look.?. Definitely need to take myself in hand, book a haircut and smarten myself up a bit.

So....I think a bit of pampering and TLC is called for this weekend. And a bit more decluttering if I feel up to it.

Hope you all have a good weekend and enjoy your extra hour.

DerbyshireLass on the health forum there is a thread about the Super cold. It's grim reading most have suffered for weeks and needed antibiotics.

Postponing your Covid jab was wise. As everything I have read about having it they don't advise having it if you have a cold but wait until you are better.. I should get the call for mine next month. Already had my flu jab.

My hair needs cutting must book it. My daughter laughs everytime she looks at my calendar as I keep filling it up with things I am doing. But if I don't put it on my calendar I forget?.

It was bucketing down but the sun has just come out. Had my wrestle with the duvet putting clean bedding on so having a hot chocolate.

Have a good day everyone.

There's a thread on the TV forum, 'Have you ever been on TV' well I have and just posted about it. I think you'll all find it quite interesting so do take a look.

Glad you won the wrestling Whiff.