SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

Your supportive and insightful posts on this thread are worthy of celebration OnwardandUpward.

OnwardandUpward lovely post. It applies to a lot of us here. ?

OnwardandUpward you are well worth celebrating. ??

Yes that's such a good way to put it OnwardandUpward.

Yes. I like that onwardandupward.

Whatdayisit, I understand what you were saying so no need to be sorry.
Onward, You say go where you are celebrated not tolerated just about sums it up, what wise words.
You see grown ups on the television, who never knew their birth parents and oh how they celebrate meeting up with them later in life. They don’t judge, just welcome them into their lives. It makes you think.

I haven't posted for such a long time but I do read and get comfort from the wise advice on this support thread. I'd like to say a huge thank you to you all.

Ive been struggling quite a bit with my situation and im exhusted with the negative thoughts constantly going around my mind will I ever get peace of mind I wonder.

Think smileless you are on a break just now. I hope its going well and you're enjoying it.

Best to all and I wishes all here the very best of days.

Sorry you're finding it so exhausting granniesunite. We can all relate. x

Peace will come Granniesunite and probably when you're least expecting it.

I'm so sorry that you are struggling and exhausted by the negative thoughts that feel as if they're flooding your mind. So many of us have been just where you are and still have times when that negativity resurfaces, often for no apparent reason.

It's so good to know that you are reading and that that is in some small way, bringing some comfort.

Sending you a BIG (((hug))) x

That's what makes this support thread such a good way offload hughelp
Thanks for the big hug smileless

Granniesunite I am sorry you are struggling. After my husband died I didn't think I would cope but one of the things he made me promise to live the best life I can. And that got me through the tough times.

When my son decided last year he didn't want me in his or families life ever again. Finding this thread and with the help of Smiles and everyone here plus my promise to my husband I am getting better. Most of the time I am fine but suddenly out of the blue it hits me. I read this thread and I remember my husband's words. Live the best life you can. And it gets me through. I think of the things in my life that give me joy. It doesn't have to be something big but little like a bird drinking out of my pond. Silly I know but it gets me through.

What gives you joy ? If you think about it there will be something. ?

whiffthat made me think.
Joy is what's missing in my life but I gave your question some thought and I realise I've got so much in my life that I'm missing out on because I'm focused on who is missing in my life rather than what and who are with me daily and give me joy. My family are all suffering at the minute but selfishly I've just been focusing on myself. I need to turn that around and let go of all things I have no control over.
I know we're not the only family goung through this difficult situation.

When i was estranged from DS i often consciously said focus on those who are there. It is easier said than done.
I had a breakdown in 2014 largely because of it but wholly because everybody was demanding my support but nothing was coming back.
A lot of family dynamics changed; i left abusive exhusband i remarried bringing step kids into the equation.
Eventually things settled. I am very untrusting as i found at my lowest even my own children tried to use it to there advantage.

But all the time i knew there were people who did deserve the best of me (if i could ever find it again). Eldest GS definitely deserved everything - time, love and some nicities! - he had been with me every step of the way, not judging, not demanding (his mum has a personality disorder).
Eventually as a family we started to rebuild the foundations that had been smashed since 2010.

When Simon Mayo was on Scala he did the Joybringer every morning. And music can bring joy as well as sadness. I find joy in gardening and buying plants! And now in spending time with all the GCs that have come along since. Eldest GS is at the age where he is bringing less joy! But i am still picking him up from school etc. It's hard when Kevin the Teenager walks back through the door.
Joy has to be found in the simple pleasures every day and if you get out and about just trying to be kind makes your own day more pleasant.

But it is very hard not to concentrate on those who aren't there and take for granted those who are.
Maybe in some way we are unconsciously trying to prove that they aren't favourites. Many of the accusations from the estranged can echo in your mind and you question your worth so much.

Try to find joy in the smallest things and be kind to yourself and others even just with a smile. And on the days when the clouds win in your head accept that things aren't what you planned but sunny days are always around the corner.
And don't dwell on those who are still trotting up the path they set out on. Good for them. Sometimes the better scenery is when you end up on a diversion.

I dreamed about my ES last night. Something that usually makes me wake up feeling very upset. This time I recall mumbling. "sod off out of my dreams, the door remains open but you need to knock at a civilised hour" and rolling over! I doubt he ever well but the choice is his.

I'm calling that progress.

Doing a writing course atm, enjoying walks with DH when health permits and some knitting. Enjoying brief meet-ups with the ppl who are still in my life. Feeling positive.

It still hurts, but there is joy in my life. I don't know when or where you will find yours Granniesuite but I totally believe you will.

*ever will

Granniesunite glad my post helped.
I have a wonderful daughter and her family plus other relatives and friends who love and care for me. I had a good husband . I am lucky to have them all.

Hugshelp love your mumbling. If I ever dream of my son I hope react the same as you.

Whatdayisit glad you have plenty of things that give you joy.

I sometimes think people have forgotten to take pleasure in the simple things in life. Things that don't cost much or are free . Also things like human decency, modesty , kindness and politeness seen foreign to some people. I suppose so much is freely available online nowadays that even innocent Google's can produce startling sites. I am not a prude and am open minded but something's should be private.

Thankyou Whiff. Your last paragraph is so true.

I call that progress too hugshelp and IMO it's very important to make a mental note of the progress we are making on this journey, no matter how small that may be.

I can still remember the first time I awoke from a dream about out ES without feeling totally bereft and heartbroken. It made me realise that I really was healing, slowly but surely.

"Many of the accusations from the estranged can echo in your mind and you question your worth so much". Very true whatdayisit and what we need to focus on is that very important word "accusations", because that is what they are. We know the truth as they do too.

As I was catching up with the posts the song 'What a Wonderful World" came to mind; it is isn't it.

It’s the accusations that prey on my mind because they are so unjust and we have no way of righting that wrong and correcting the damage they are doing but yes smilessless I agree “we know the truth as they do too” another more positive aspect of this living nightmare for me to focus on and I love the idea of better scenery when diverted whatdayisit I’m so glad you have such good days now…
sod off will now be my mantra too……hugshelp smile

Who needs therapy when we have this thread full of empathetic people.

Smiles you are so right it is a wonderful world. And life is short so we need to cherish every minute of it. What ifs are a waste of that time. We can't change the past but the present and future is what we make of it.

My life changed when my husband died so I had to make a new present and future. When my son decided to dispense of me. I am making a new present and future without him and my grandson's.

Life is full of change some good ,some bad ,some down right awful but it's what makes life worth living.

I love my life and love every minute of it even the awful. As it has made me the woman I am. And I like who I am. Not perfect by any means but still a good person with good values. I don't know if it's still the doctors credo but do no harm is a good way to live. ☺️❤️

~I sometimes think people have forgotten to take pleasure in the simple things in life. Things that don't cost much or are free . Also things like human decency, modesty , kindness and politeness seen foreign to some people. ~ Absolutely whiff

Love that song smiles

I need some advice so do l post right here or start a new thread ?

Nicegranny if it's about estrangement. Smiles has made this a safe place. There is a wealth of help , support and advice here. Posters here are lovely people I have found and couldn't have got through the last year without them.

Whiff, you sound in a good place. I think if you have support from other family members it helps enormously, you feel valued. After the weekends I feel very low, I don’t matter enough to the rest if the family. My son although supportive with phone calls, doesn’t visit, his friend are more important, my dil and grandchildren taken up with her family. It’s been hard to face the reality of it. I could cope before the pandemic, but losing all the interests I had and the people associated with them, I am wondering what to do to carry on, there doesn’t seem much purpose to it all.

Sparkling life is worth living no matter what. I am sorry you feel there's not much purpose to it all. I have to live my life to the full it's one of the promises I made to my husband . The promises I made are very important to me.

If I make a decision about something I do it. Hate it if I can't do want I want because of my health it's stops me doing things at times . I am stubborn . Over the years I have learnt if I can't do something the usual way. I find a way that I can to it.

Because I have been ill since I was 29 I was prepared to die first. It was a shock when it was my husband. But no matter what life throws at me I get on with it. I can't be another way. It's not easy and there are at times I don't want to play anymore but I give myself a talking to and get on with it.

I really missed my exercise class as it closed due to Covid but found a new one and started it last week. It's called active ageing. Loved my craft group but that closed Covid again. But my daughter saw on Facebook it may be starting up again. Just hope it's not Wednesday afternoon as I am committed to my exercise class.

Sparkling what gives you joy in your life? There is something no matter how small or silly. Take pleasure in that. Then find something else and in no time you will find your life is rich and full.

I am lucky I have my daughter and family, plus other relatives and friends who love and care for me who I love back. But when it comes to it I am on my own. I am lonely but for one person and that's my husband. I am not lonely living on my own. To be honest I like it. I can do want I want when I want. Sounds selfish but it's not. When people need me I am there for them.

Moving house was the best thing for me. Ok I have lost my son and grandson's but I don't regret moving one bit. I love my bungalow. And seems strange but I got my identity back. People know me not someone's wife then widow or the children's mom. But me . My postman and delivery drivers call me by my Christian name.

I don't go out every day usually twice a week. But I fill my day. To be honest don't know where the time goes. The weekend I made strawberry jam on Saturday and 4 berry yesterday. I read and cross stitch. Garden when the weather permits. Clean the shower room and kitchen everyday floors once a week. Rest of the bungalow once a week. I make a batch of soup which lasts me 6 lunches make some sort of stew or pasta bake enough to last 6 dinners.

If you look you will find you fill your day. Have a look to see if the things you liked doing are opening up again or find something new to do.

There are only 2 certainties in life we are born and we die. The rest we muggle through the best we can.