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Estrangement

Abuse from son

(54 Posts)
Madwoman11 Wed 07-Jul-21 11:52:54

My son is 44 and has been in prison many times although not recently. He has some mental health problems but nothing that would prevent him working but he lives on hard working tax payers money.
His problems are fuelled by drug and alcohol abuse in all honesty.
He recently called me a disgusting name beginning with C, and I have had enough. He has in the past come and broken all my windows. He doesn't live with me but I feel threatened, and he takes no notice of warnings from the police.
I'm exhausted by his constant demands and I am ashamed to call him my son.
I must emphasis once again the main problem is drug and alcohol abuse, which gets him into trouble and causes aggressive behaviour.
I don't want to live like this anymore I want to enjoy my latter years in peace.
No amount of help from myself or others has made any difference at all, because he never changes.

dragonfly46 Wed 07-Jul-21 11:57:21

Oh gosh - I have no advice for you but hope it helped being able to write it down on here.
I just want to send you a hug and flowers.
There but for the grace of God .........

Madwoman11 Wed 07-Jul-21 12:05:04

dragonfly thank you

cornishpatsy Wed 07-Jul-21 12:16:26

I know it is a drastic solution but could you move house so that you would not be worrying about him just turning up.

I feel so sorry for you, sadly there are very few solutions.

DiscoDancer1975 Wed 07-Jul-21 12:17:10

This is so sad to hear. I can’t imagine ever being in a position like this, where I would seriously consider turning my back on one of my children, but it sounds, in all honesty, what you may need to do here. Self preservation.
Do you have other children? Husband/ partner? I know you say no amount of help from others has changed anything. He’s a well grown man, and has made his choices. If you’re regularly getting the police involved, then it’s clearly not safe.
He has to make the decision to change. No one else can do it. However, you can make your own decisions around this, and perhaps it’s time to think about moving somewhere where he can’t find you.
This is so sad, but your only option at the minute I think. Something drastic has to happen to give him a jolt.
Sending you all the best💐

DiscoDancer1975 Wed 07-Jul-21 12:17:54

Same minds cornishpasty !

glammanana Wed 07-Jul-21 12:18:00

This is so sad to read,do you own your own house or are you with a HA if you are with a HA can you not ask them to move you to a Supported Housing complex where they have either a live on site warden or a daily visit from a support officer ?
You will not have to tell him where you have moved to so will have the peace you so desperately deserve.
If you own your own home have you thought of downsizing and moving I know you shouldn't have to do this due to his awful behaviour but it may be best for you.So you have any other children who can deal with him.?

DiscoDancer1975 Wed 07-Jul-21 12:18:27

Sorry....patsy

sodapop Wed 07-Jul-21 12:21:41

I agree with cornishpatsy is it possible for you to move without him knowing. Seems like a drastic solution and unfair that you should have to do this, but there are not many solutions.
I feel so sorry you are in this situation with your son Madwoman take care.

JaneJudge Wed 07-Jul-21 12:23:51

My friend got alot of support from Al Anon

This links to some useful organisations too

Smileless2012 Wed 07-Jul-21 12:42:07

So sorry that you are going through this Madwomanflowers.

Have you looked into taking out a restraining order against him. As the police have already been involved and their warnings are not heeded, my advice is to go to court and get one. If he brakes it, it will be a criminal offence.

Terrible that a mother's relationship with her own son has come to this but you need to be putting your welfare, both physical and emotional, first.

Toadinthehole Wed 07-Jul-21 12:49:41

Bless you, how sad. I agree with others, you need to distance yourself, whatever form that takes. He’s not going to change while you’re the same,
Keep safe.

3nanny6 Wed 07-Jul-21 12:51:13

MadWoman ; sorry to hear what you are going through with your son you must be living in a nightmare.

I partly agree with the other posters saying that you should move so he cannot find you perhaps go into supported housing where with the help of a support worker on site if he ever found you then help would be on hand.
The sad thing is your 44 year old son is suffering from addictions be it the alcohol/drugs and that fuels his hostility and aggression and of course does put you at risk.
In regard of another solution you could take out a restraining order through the court that he must not come to your address and must not visit your area, when you had that if he should try to come to your house then you call the police and they would attend and arrest him and there would be the possibility he would go to prison.
It is a difficult position to be in but you must keep yourself safe you are the important one and your safety must come first he is old enough to deal with his demons himself.

3nanny6 Wed 07-Jul-21 12:53:15

Crossed posts I see that Smileless2012 has given the same advice as me.

Smileless2012 Wed 07-Jul-21 12:54:45

3nannysmile

Hithere Wed 07-Jul-21 13:04:59

Restraining order, moving without forwarding address....

So sorry you are going through this

Lin52 Wed 07-Jul-21 13:08:03

This is so sad, and it must be a dreadful way to have to live . Others have advised so won’t repeat. Take care.

Redhead56 Wed 07-Jul-21 13:09:44

I can only offer the same advice as everyone else. We had a friend in a very similiar situation as you she moved away and is not in touch anymore. Is there no male in the family who could have a word with him on your behalf to keep him away from you.
Seek advice and look out for yourself stay in touch with Gransnet. 💐

Madwoman11 Wed 07-Jul-21 13:28:06

I have thought about moving yes. He's abusive to other family members too in fact many many people. I just pray it will eventually calm down once he realises I don't want any further contact with him although it hurts me

Madwoman11 Wed 07-Jul-21 13:28:45

Thank you

grandtanteJE65 Wed 07-Jul-21 13:31:42

Can you afford to move and have a phone number that your son does not know and cannot get access to?

I realise this is a very drastic solution, but I am afraid it is the only one that works when you are trying to keep away from an abusive person.

I don't live in the UK so I don't know what measures you could take, but please get in touch with Citizen's Advice and with one of the organisations that help victims of abusive relatives.

If your son takes no notice of police warnings, I really cannot see what else you can do, except leave the area where he lives.

A change of surname by deed poll might be advisable too and do make sure that the nameplate on your new front door (if you do decide to move) either only has your surname on it, or surname plus initial - no indication of whether you are female or male.

Your son obviously does not want to deal with his addiction and unless he decides to change, you cannot help him.

Please put yourself first from now on. No-one should put up with an abusive relationship.

PM me if it helps to discuss things further.

Smileless2012 Wed 07-Jul-21 13:34:47

Do think about a restraining order Madwoman and see if that works before the upheaval of feeling you have to move. Sorry to say that I don't think it "will eventually calm down" without you taking decisive action.

We've been estranged from our youngest son for 8.5 years so I know how painful no contact is, but I also know it's better to have peace in your lifeflowersx

Madwoman11 Wed 07-Jul-21 13:36:57

Smileless I appreciate your advice, and sorry to hear of your problems

Madwoman11 Wed 07-Jul-21 13:38:14

Thank you all so much x

M0nica Wed 07-Jul-21 13:49:21

Like others I would recommend taking out a restraining order if you can.

You do not say how old you are but if you are over 50 what is happening to you would be classfied as Elder Abuse.

I suggest you contact your local Citizen's Advice or Age UK who will be able to put you in contact with organisations, local and national, who could help you. You can have an alarm that goes straight to the police, but again the two bodies I have mentioned above will be able to help and advise.