Understanding estrangement

One of my usual coping mechanisms is working on a project. Usually decorating or diy. At the moment it's the outdoor work. Currently trying to paint the shed but am somewhat thwarted by the weather, it's quite autumnal here. As soon as I get going it starts to spit with rain - like now. Very frustrating. Hopefully it will just be a few spits and spots and I can get out there again shortly.

I can understand that sorting out your will has eased your mind. I wont do anything just yet, I'm just adopting a wait and see approach.

But I'm pretty much resolved now to moving house for a fresh start and a new life. I bought this house In 2018 as a project. I have nearly finished its refurbishment. I have stayed here because there is so much space for the children when they by visited. But, if they won't be visiting, then I don't need such a big house, nor would I be restricted to living fairly close by them to facilitate helping with child care.

I can downsize, free up equity and have more money in my pocket. Maybe rent for a while and travel a bit before making any final decision as to where I want to live next.

It occurs to me that I will be as free as a bird......who knows I might even become a snowbird and start flying south for the winter. Get some winter sun on my old bones.

I am not going to put my life on hold, waiting for my son to wake up and smell the coffee.. I will finish off a few final bits and pieces over the winter and then I will put the house on the market within the next 18 months.

DerbyshireLass
Please don’t think you are monopolising the thread , you are writing a carbon copy of my own story.
I had no need to carry on writing because virtually everything you have written l could have written it myself.
I’m so glad I have had help here especially from Smileless. I don’t know what I would have done if l didn’t have somewhere to get things off my chest.
I have to go out right now but I’ll be back later to contribute. Xxx

There’s a lot of us in the same situation. We should all go on a very expensive holiday and use some of their inheritance.?

Tempting.....?

Nicegranny.

This thread has been a lifeline for me......the support, understanding and friendship has been amazing.

My husband and I have experienced both sides of estrangement. I am no contact with my family after a childhood of physical and emotional abuse. They continued the emotional abuse on into my adult life until I finally walked away 2 years ago. I have never received love and respect as a human being from them. Only unfair treatment, severe critisism the silent treatment and scapegoating. The lack of love and affection was the wordt part. In the e d, with my parents in their eighties and still being abusive to me, my two sisters joined in, back stabbing and dismiss g me in order to score points with elderly parents and get POA and take financial control. It was not for their health, only for control of finances. I suspect they will get me disinherited
But I really don't care as I'd rather have my mental health

My husband is a strange from his oldest child, a girl now 25. This is a very long story but her mother has poisoned her against him. He did not leave her mother, he did not end the marriage. We met 2 years after but the amount of verbal abuse and. Poison levelled at us was horrendous. I think the mother regretted leaving him and I was in the way. His daughter gave him a 'it's me or her' ultimatum.
He is a wonderful man and I feel so sorry for him. He left the door open to her In the hope that she might one day think about this and they could try to move on. He wrote this in an email but nothing has come of it. She was 18 then.

There is very often a good reason that people are estranged. The reasons vary so much that I don't think anyone should judge u less they really know both sides. So no, I don't think it's abuse.

Sorry for the errors I thought I had tapped preview but posted instead

I should have posted this on the 'is it abuse?' thread. Sorry.

Shelbel your comment really resonated with me. My mother sounds a lot like yours and she also used parental alienation. I am so lucky that her attempts at that failed and I finally found the strength to walk away from her completely, not just her opinions of me and people I love. I'm so.sorry your husband has to deal with that and I hope his daughter wakes up one day.

cornishpatsy

I think it is important to accept it and move on. For whatever reason the estranged person does not like you or you do not like them. The reasons do not matter, you cannot change how somebody feels.

Oh come off it!
You're seriously suggesting that parents should just accept that they are never to see their own child.
Ever. Again.
Are you so lacking in empathy that you can't imagine that, to most parents, Estragement of their child and often times grandchildren as well is very similar to Bereavement.

I find some of the comments on this so called support forum quite shocking.

Time for me to leave
And stick to the other topics.

I realise the above is an odd post.
But I found it quite chilling, so had to comment.

old post

Your quite right snowberry estrangement is a bereavement, a living bereavement.

What would the alternative be? Not accepting it? Living a life time of turmoil and not moving on?

Acceptance does not mean you like it. It means understanding that you have no control in the matter and directing emotional and physical energy into another direction so not to cause further harm to your own mental health.

We can not change the actions or decisions of another person. We can only make choices regarding our own life.

Bibbity

What would the alternative be? Not accepting it? Living a life time of turmoil and not moving on?

Acceptance does not mean you like it. It means understanding that you have no control in the matter and directing emotional and physical energy into another direction so not to cause further harm to your own mental health.

We can not change the actions or decisions of another person. We can only make choices regarding our own life.

I guess you are right.

I need to get away from feeling angry.

The anger eases with time snowberry, you can't make it happen but it does eventually.

I think your anger is understandable snowberry.