I don't know if I have been estranged or not !

I am so sorry, going by friends who have three or four daughters, jealousy does seem to be a problem particularly where there is a large age gap. I think you should continue the birthday and Christmas cards but no further money or advice. Even if your OH can't quite see why you are upset he should stand by you and not communicate for the time being. I hope this has a happy ending for you.

My gut feeling is that if you no longer send your middle daughter any birthday or Christmas money, and I fully understand why people are advising this, it will just give her more "reasons" to feel hard done by and fuel her jealousy.

If you want her to eventually return to the family, is the amount involved each year worth withholding? Treat her the same as your other two daughters?

Though if she gets in touch purely to ask for money at any other time, I'd say don't reply...
I think you need to discuss this with your husband though.

I agree with you V3. No one wants to feel that they are only wanted for money.

I suppose that siblings can be jealous of each other which could have caused some of the rift. In my experience that has not been the case my eldest daughter is close to my second
child (daughter) there is a 10 year age gap between them and mainly they became closer from the time my middle child was about 14 years old. My eldest daughter is also close to my youngest child although the middle child and youngest child with a fourteen month age gap are estranged from each other.

I continue to be of the opinion that your daughter who is ghosting you should still at least acknowledge and thank-you
for the cards and birthday gifts as it is plain good manners to
offer a thank-you for the thought that you put into doing that. I never like bad manners from my own children and would let them know how childish it is to be like that.

I unfortunately know how you feel. They hurt us because they know they can. It's driving me demented. Like others have said, stop sending her things, it proves she's got you dangling on a string & you have to take some dignity back, as hard as it is x

Do you talk to your husband about the situation- what is he doing to help deal with this problem. I assume you both moved house, not just you.

If your daughter is in touch with sisters and her father, she has made a deliberate choice to ghost you and to hurt you, which she has succeeded in doing. Enough is enough. Imho, tell her + your husband+ other daughter that you have been very hurt by her choice, but that it can' t go on. A last attempt to sort things out by meeting/ call/ letter ...then take control of the situation where you decide what the next steps will be ..how do YOU feel about sending cards and presents to someone who made that choice? How do YOU feel about being ghosted? How do YOU feel about this unfair and unjustified behaviour .....and what would it take for you to feel better ?

I find it quite amazing whe I hear of mature adult children behave in this fashion. Do we continue to cater for all their needs and expectations until the day we die? When they are living their lives in their own way, regardless of our needs, we still have to be available in case they need something from us. We’re you expected to ask permission from your daughter to move, or was your main concern your husband. I’m afraid your daughter is being very selfish and I’m sure she will regret her behaviour if something happened to you.

Has a sibling said something that might have upset her? My sister told me something about my mum and dad that hurt me. I didn’t see her for a couple of weeks while I stewed. Mum rang me to ask me why I haft been to see her so I told her. What had been said was a lie and , my sister told her when tackled about it, said for ‘ a laugh’ ! Mum was furious with her but at least we sorted things out.

When l look back on how I behaved as a young woman towards my mother on a few occasions, l am very saddened. At the time l ghosted her l was about 20 - now I’m in my mid 60s - she had made some flippant remark about the boyfriend I was seeing (to whom I have been happily married to for some 42 years now). At the time I was so angry at her remark that I just dropped out of her life for about 18 months - moving address etc and never phoning or writing - (we lived 100s mile apart). Eventually we did reconcile but never really discussed what had happened. It all seems very petty now and such a waste but at the time my attitude was, l guess, to punish her for being hurtful. My mum died by the time I was 30 and I miss her everyday. Don’t give up on you daughter - she will hopefully come back to you even if you never really find out the reason for the what’s happened.

i am in the same position.
my grandaughters were removed from their home by social services to my care and my daughter decided to leave her husband at the same time.
this was in 2015 and they lived with me.
things went well for several years but then the situation got awkward and my relationship with my daughter broke down. one sunday just before christmas last year my daughter and grandaughters went out and that was the last i saw of them.
my daughter arranged redirection of their post but i wasn't told where the post was redirected.
i have texted my grandaughters to wish them a happy christmas, happy easter and happy birthday but haven't had a response.
i spoke to my son very recently and he tells me he hasn't heard from his sister either.
this has upset me greatly as i am not able to see my grandaughters (19 and 15) or to know how they're getting on.
but i am "leaving the door open" by contacting my grandaughters - i would love to know how they are but have no way of finding out.

This is heart breaking for you and I feel for you and hope something will change. I think its hard to know what is really happening psychologically for your daughter - and I am not saying this in the spirit of 'who is right and who is wrong' as this approach seems to me to close doors, not open them. If she has abandonment feelings, it may be that the move triggered such feelings from her childhood and she doesn't know how to resolve them, or even doesn't understand them herself and she associated her feelings to your moving when she was an adult, because she didn't understand their real origin. Sorry if this sounds complicated ! And of course I can not really have any idea what is going on - these are just ideas which occurred to me. If you think these thoughts might be relevant, you might want to talk, on your own, with a family therapist, who might help you get more clarity and might help you work out a plan to move ahead on this painful situation. I wish you a good way ahead.

Caleo I think you are exactly right . My hubby is estranged from our step son - I sort of know why and what he says and thinks about the situation that caused it is a completely different version to the one I know ! Stupid waste of time - it always ends in tears.

As many suggest I would write her a letter leaving the door open for her to contact you. At least you are fortunate in that you know she is alive etc through other family members.

I have an estranged son who fell in love and disowned his whole family. I will never forget the words of a neighbour - life is but a book you have reached the end of a chapter. You must now turn the page and begin a new chapter, One day your son will return , only you know if you can forgive him but you will never forget.

I appreciate how hard it must be but you have to get on with your life.

JadeOlivia your advice is spot on. Taking control and
ownership of the issue creates the boundaries that this daughter appears to need.
Making it clear that it is the behavour rather than the person that she finds unacceptable.
Emphasizing that she will always love her daughter but that the current situation cannot continue. When her daughter feels ready for a proper and respectful grown up relationship she will be only too pleased to start afresh.

You refer to him as "my husband" rather than her father, so could make a wild guess that living with him had something to do with your move.
She was an adult then , but it doesn't explain why she has now decided to break off contact with you does not really make sense!
She is happy to , in my opinion. abuse your husband by only contacting him when she wants something from him and no doubt he does help her to try and keep communication open.
Is there any way that your sister can arrange a meet up between the three of you? Maybe so that your daughter is not aware that you will be there?
Sadly, unless you can see her face to face, I don't think you will ever get a full explanation or a chance to give your side of the story.

mrsgreenfingers56

You are entitled to move to where you want! Surely this can't be the reason, I think you need to have a chat face to face and ask her nicely why there is no proper contact. My friend has moved many times over the last few years and other friends but they haven't been ghosted by their children. I think there is a deeper reason to this and you need to approach your daughter in a gentle manner and ask her why. What does your youngest daughter think or know? I hope you can sort this problem out and all the best.

It can be the reason. Adult children can be funny creatures. My son cut me out of his life. His sister told me he hadn’t forgiven me for not going to his engagement party. I was ill in bed at the time ?‍♀️

I am slightly concerned this may be a mental issue with her particularly post lockdown.

A lot of people are showing some kind of PTSD behaviour and if you have not been part of her life you have no idea how she coped or what was going on. I would make no demands on her, no last letters etc. just keep in contact maybe by email sending her news and love with no expectation that she will reply. That way you keep the door open for when she is ready.
I wouldn't hassle her siblings about her behaviour even if they are in contact as they will come to resent your contact time together always being about their sister. By all means ask in passing if all is well with her but no more.
I'm sure she will come back to you but try not to build walls which make her return more difficult.

This all sounds very odd to me.

If I have understood you correctly your second daughter is on good terms with her aunt, your sister, and with one of her own sisters. If this is so, surely one of the two can exxplain exactly what is going on.

I realise your eldest daughter has said her sister was offended when you moved some years ago, but that cannot surely be the only thing.

Two years is a long time to neither hear from nor see a daughter.

Are you and your husband at odds about this? I am puzzled why he still helps this daughter out with money (which I am guessing is never returned) and legal advice, even although she had not the decency to get in touch when her father was diagnosed with cancer.

Did she actually know about his illness? And if so, how - through her sisters or aunt or what?

Where is your younger daughter in all this?

Hope you don't feel these questions are impertinent, but you have left so much out that it is difficult to advise you.

In your place, I would start by discussing this problem with your husband and try to work out what you both think you should do,

Then ask her for an explanation if you haven't already done so, or try to get a reasonable explanation from one of the members of the family this woman actually talks to.

I would also stop sending money, gifts, cards, e-mails or phoning her, as she obviously wants no contact with you.

It must be hard when you have no idea what you did or said, but if she will not explain then I am afraid you will have to just accept that there is no contact between you.

i wonder if these abandonment issues go back to her childhood.
she may not even realise herself why she feels as she does now.
the inner self is constantly present, overlaid by recent experience and activites, busy-ness.
but the small child is still there, inside, with the feelings of that era. these feelings are rarely understood or identified at the time, let alone years later. but they can pop up unbidden.
the age difference suggests that just as she was entering all the turmoil of adolescence, you would have been much occupied with the total care needed by a baby.
maybe she felt/feels that your attention was all taken up with the baby, and that you assumed she was a self-carer by then, overlooking the subtle needs of an unsure and muddled teenager ?
this may all be poppycock of course.
but i think it is pointless to see this situation in terms of rights and wrongs, justice, fairness etc or selfishness.
if you love her, just concentrate on that, on acceptance, with a humble attitude. life is so brief, as others have mentioned.

we have a neighbour that has 2 sons - there is a third but he has ignored both parens for years. Whilst she still says she has 3 boys , I don't think he is part of the family. No reason has been given as to why he does not want to be part of the family . Even when his father died - no contact. the other 2 boys ( now grown men) are nice so I don't think it is parenting but just a spoilt selfish man

In my opinion your daughter is being very silly and childish. Why does she contact your husband when needs must - doesn't she feel he has abandoned her ?
I wouldn't continue to send cards or anyone else because she is very rude not acknowledging your gifts.
Cut contact and she may decide to stop playing silly games.

My two boys are quite close and keep in touch with one another, their younger sister rarely sees them or any other family members. I don't see very much of any of them as they are adults and have their own lives and their own problems to solve and paths to follow. I always send them cards, presents for birthdays, Christmas, Easter I am sure as time goes on they will find time for me but if they don't that is their choice, I am their mother not their keeper.

Welbeck I strongly agree with what you say. Childhood may well hold the answers and a way ahead is through a willingness to listen and understand, not through seeking anyone to blame (including yourself) It might help to look for someone with insight in family dynamics, and contact a family therapist to see if they can help - the OP could talk to such a therapist on her own at least initially, to help her find some more clarity and equilibrium. I wish her well and for all others facing issues like this I hope for a happier way forward.

Elless

Hi Normandygirl, you are in the same boat as me, being ghosted when you haven't got an idea of what you've done, if you're anything like me you torture yourself going through different reasons that could explain their behaviour. I've decided that I am going to write one final letter asking for an explanation and telling them that if they want to estrange me that is their choice but I'll always be here for them - just trying to pluck up the courage.

I've literally just done the one last chance thing via text o my DS who has always been so close despite his brother And nasty partner (really is) ghosting me for 4years now with zero contact/photos/news of DGC TOO! Now my dearest has fallen foul of an'otherhalf"who's convinced him to refuse covid vax (he's 40) and she has ghosted me 3timesnow in last 4 years , mighty strange behaviour so I decided to apologize for everything awful I've done and told him I love him dearly , respect his choices and have a permanently open door BUT: I'm not going to attempt contact again and he should feel no obligation to contact/visit he chooses not to. Three days on- silence!! Ah well! I've done it now and really don't feel that bad-yet, there's time. We can only do our best they're adults and I'm fed up of begging for their attention!