I don't know if I have been estranged or not !

I echo what others have said - maybe hold out an olive branch by inviting her to visit. then you can talk face to face and try to sort things out. But I would make it clear that moving away when she was in her 30’s is not exactly abandonment of your parental duties and it’s immature and selfish to view it that way - you have your own lives. In the meantime, no more financial help. If she feels abandoned, or whatever her take on it is, then it’s hypocritical of her to continue to accept cash and gifts. And she rings and asks your husband for help, but can’t even make contact after a cancer diagnosis. FFS !!!

I feel the last 18 months has caused a lot of mental health issues from losing Loved Ones whether expected due to long term ill health, or suddenly from any cause also from not being able to connect with your 'support' group of friends and then the divisions caused by the 'ins and outs ' of covid. It's really not surprising that some of us are finding it difficult to reconnect.

I cant understand why she is still in contact with your husband. Have you spoken to him about it? Surely you would discuss it with him and ask why she doesnt have contact with you. It sounds as if your husband and daughter know why but for some reason keep it from you. If it was my husband I would be furious with him. I would expect him to speak up for me. I think theres something you are not telling.

I think jealousy is at the root of the problem. It is a powerful emotion and I think your DD suffers because of it and would rather just avoid the issue by creating another reason (your fault) for her feelings. I am not a psychiatrist but maybe you should consult one?
I had a late baby and the older ones were fine with it apart from the eldest. They have never got on and probably haven't spoken to eachother for a year. They are all adults.

My first born (I have three daughters) has had issues with depression and anxiety and alcohol for many years. Some decisions she has made about her life have messed things up for her and she has had a few disappointments and the horse she rented and was responsible for except for Vet fees the owner decided was costing too much for Vets Fees and insurance as he had a chronic ongoing conditions so had him PTS. All this made things worse and she then started blaming me for all her wrong decisions because of some things that happened to her in her early teens. Some of which I was not even aware of. We had a few years where she was very nasty and aggressive to me so now I just talk about things that are current and I wait for her to call me. Things have been better but she still doesn't invite me into her house if I have to go and get signatures etc.

Some of the comments here have really resonated with me. Lock down has made a lot of distance vetween us and people we used to see often and its also impacted mental health in ways we probably aren't even aware of yet.

I think that perhaps I was wrong to suggest a last letter but maybe say that you will respect her wishes if that is what she wants but first you need to speak to her and you are willing to listen. Feelings aren't always what and where they should be and as her mum maybe you can show her that you are willing to listen to and respect her feelings without judgement until things become better between you and you are both strong enough to listen to each other.

I'm in a similar situation my son hasn't spoken to any of his family for nearly 10 years, he met someone who turned out to be very controlling and such a liar . For years I agonized about it and tried my best to solve the situation but to no avail then 3 years ago I decided to give up he's a grown man of 50 life is to short too worry myself to death about him and now I feel ok about it I let it go

Dear normandygirl What an awful situation for you. I think those who are still in contact with her, your husband, sister, your other daughters, need to do more to breach the gap. Explain to her how much you are hurting. Possibly arrange some sort of meeting or contact so you can discuss both sides of story.

I lost my mum when I was a child. I would have given anything to spend some time with her during those years. Your daughter will regret in future years not healing this hurt. Wish you the best, ?

Normandygirl, I am very sorry for your pain, reading your post has moved me to make my very first comment here. Ive watched long lost family tonight on tv, and seen the anguish of people trying to trace their birth mothers & the absolute job they all feel when they finaly meet, is amazing. Then to read that you, like me have been cut off by your child, its so unfair, heartbreaking. The child you carried for 9 months, gave birth to, spent your every waking hour loving & rearing to adulthood. Chooses to blank you, shame on her. Im sorry I have no advise to offer except to say I feel your pain.

I have discovered on YOUTUBE this week Sally Harris-Moms of Defiant ADULT kids Expert she give simple clear tips on problems with our adult children absolutely amazing hope this helps

Your daughter seems absolutely fine with receiving money and gifts from you, but not responding so, if it was me, I'd stop the money and gifts and just send cards!
That way you're still offering your love, but saying you're fed up of being used!!
You could ask the other 2 daughters and your sister round for a meal or drinks, all together, THEN ask them outright what is going on, why she's doing this and why she won't just tell you herself? They know something you don't and it could possibly be something huge that you didn't realise affected her, or something really small that you overlooked as meaning a great deal to her!
I am assuming you didn't just up and move when you did, and that you had discussed the move with your daughters, so I really can't see that being the issue unless she wishes she had spoken up at the time!
Please let us know how things go.