Why do I torture myself

I too have a family I never see. My advice from personal experience is to get on with your own life and look after your health. Don't do anything that might cause you stress.
I have tried very hard to have a good relationship but its not to be. My son is happy. I have told him I love him and care about him and his family. I know he read the message on Whatsapp.
You get used to it until you don't think about it very often. Sad, but life doesn't always work out how we eould like it to.
Please concentrate on yourself. Best wishes for the op.

I’m sure there are many difficult DILs out there, but they can only be like this if the husband is agreeable.

My own MIL was a nightmare. I know she blamed me for the eventual estrangement, but problems between her and my husband started long before he met me, and we were 16 when we met. He was only too glad to be rid of her, but she would never accept that.

With my own family, one DIL can be...let’s say, sensitive. I’m always guarded around her. We have never seen as much of them as I would like, but I know my son is happy with it. He must be. Otherwise he would change it.

Elless, you just have to live your life as best you can. The more you push, the further away they will go. Concentrate on those who love and want to be with you...and your own health.

I hope your operation goes well.

Thank you everyone for good wishes with my op, it's approaching way too fast and much as I need it, I am petrified. I am going to ask for a spinal block (operation is on my foot) and last time I had one of those, seven years ago, the anaesthetic travelled upwards and paralyzed my lungs and I couldn't breathe, I suffered PTSD and had to have therapy

Ellen’s, if you had such a bad reaction to a spinal block, why do it again? What could be worse than your lungs being paralysed. I am very surprised they are doing it that way. Good luck whatever you decide.

How would you feel if what you say about your experience was derided and invalidated by others?

I wasn’t aware that explaining my experience was driving and invalidating others. In that case maybe you explaining your experience is to writing and invalidating mine.

I said nothing about your experience and I find it interesting that you immediately attacked me about my own experience.

I did not "attack" you about your own experience Summerlove I was critical of the term magic vagina being used, as you did in your post yesterday @ 20.19 "A magic vagina is often blamed these days".

When a poster is sharing their experience of estrangement and citing the role that their son's wife has played in the process, your post is invalidating.

"Magic vagina" is something I've never heard before and did make me chuckle slightly because it reminded me of some old memories.

A very long time ago now my husband and his mother had a difficult relationship which I won't share too much of as its his story not mine.

Once though his mother called me and gave me absolute hell for how her relationship with her son was. He listened to me try and defend myself, took the phone out of my hand, told her to stop looking to blame others for situations she caused and hung up.

Not one but 2 female family members on his side later said it was up to me to smooth things over between them and encourage him to have a good relationship with her.

I disagreed and said that it was up to me to support my husband in his decisions, not make his choices for him.

It certainly does happen that DILs get the blame from jealous, enmeshed or controlling mothers and family members they have influence over.

"It certainly does happen that DILs get the blame from jealous, enmeshed or controlling mothers and family members they have influence over". Indeed, just as it certainly happens that jealous, enmeshed or controlling d's.i.l. blame their m's.i.l. when in reality they are to blame.

Sorry about that Smileless2012 I should have directed my comment to Summerlove

Smileless2012

I did not "attack" you about your own experience Summerlove I was critical of the term magic vagina being used, as you did in your post yesterday @ 20.19 "A magic vagina is often blamed these days".

When a poster is sharing their experience of estrangement and citing the role that their son's wife has played in the process, your post is invalidating.

Yet, when it was used against me, by my family it’s all okay?

Seriously, not everything to do with estrangement is about you, or personally invalidating you.

My experience of being blamed by being my husbands wife has nothing to do with your situation.

I didn't say your situation does have anything to do with mine Summerlove. Are you saying that the term 'magic vagina' was used in reference to you by your family?

So sorry for the pain. I too check social media but never see anything of my GC. All I see is Conspiracy theories, unfortunately. I keep checking and hoping he has come to his senses. Not so far.

I don't think it's always the DiL that is the problem. Many of our sons are quite capable of being awful without any help from anyone else, magic or otherwise! It's very cruel to parade the GC and not let you see them Smileless. I'm so sorry and completely see why you wanted to leave. I would be the same.

Thank you OnwardandUpward.

It's a terrible thing to see one's own AC change because they've been influenced by others. We feel and are powerless, whether that influence comes from a group or an individual.

smileless I’m saying my husband was accused of changing “under my influence”, when in reality I always encouraged reaching out for a relationship. It kept going poorly so I stopped when he asked me to.

However, the ‘story’ is that I changed him and ruined relationships. That he wanted to keep me happy, so they aren’t as close.

It’s not always the partners fault, and despite what my inlaws might have thought, not coercive control. Simply that my husband and sister had very little in common anymore. The fact that she seemed to dislike me certainly helped the relationship breakdown.

I totally agree that it is not always the partners fault, and that would have been particularly hard to take bearing in mind you'd been encouraging reaching out for a relationship Summerlove.

I've always said that our estrangement is ultimately our son's responsibility but that it wouldn't have happened if he hadn't met her, or someone just like her.

"I've always said that our estrangement is ultimately our son's responsibility but that it wouldn't have happened if he hadn't met her, or someone just like her."

So you still blame the female partner from the estrangement then, as if he wouldnt have done it w/o meeting her.

Allsorts I didn't react to the spinal block, apparently it's one of the contraindications although a very rare one, I've had spinal blocks before that and they went fine. I do prefer these to a general anaesthetic because you feel fine afterwards.

Yes Hithere in terms of "it wouldn't have happened if he hadn't met her, or someone just like her" I do.

She has a history of this type of behaviour, with her own family including her parents as I've said many times.

I think we all have some sort of burden to carry in estrangement. Even in the scenario that my mother is abusive (we obviously do not agree on that) I could have conducted myself better and I am responsible for my own actions and reactions.

If I chose not to be responsible then I would be making myself a perpetual victim and I do not wish to go through life blaming others for my own behaviour.

I suppose it depends whether you're blaming others for your own behaviour, or refusing to be blamed for something that isn't of your making Violetsky.

You have estranged your mother so in that sense you are responsible, but you are not responsible for her abusive behaviour that led to that estrangement.

Mr. S. and I are perpetual victims as we are the victims of an estrangement. A situation that in reality is not going to change and is never ending, which is what perpetual means.

"You have estranged your mother so in that sense you are responsible, but you are not responsible for her abusive behaviour that led to that estrangement."

I am afraid you are contradicting yourself

Elless all the best for your op

I am afraid you are contradicting yourself

In what way?

Madgran77 I would assume in the same way that if my mother were continuously punching me in the face, I'd be responsible for moving out of range. As if by doing that I was responsible for any hurt caused to my mother by removing myself from where she can reach me.

Maybe think about sending a card- easier than a letter to send as you only have to write a short message.
Possibly tell him you’re about to have an op, and after it - when you’ve recovered would they consider a reconciliation? Say you’d like to be part of theirs and grandchild’s life.Life is too short to be estranged from family. If they don’t reply at least you’ve tried
I wouldn’t mention seeing photos at this stage in case they stop that.
If they’re willing you could always meet on neutral ground initially, for a short time - play park or similar. At this stage make it clear you want to move on, not rake over past issues.