SUPPORT for all living with estrangement

Hi everyone, I'm still here lurking in the background - something Smiles said resounds with me in that I read all of these stories and sympathise with everyone of you but most of the time I don't know what to say. Just want you all to know that I do read this thread constantly.
Couldn't sleep last night (not using any energy because I'm still non weight bearing) and I'm going through an angry phase with my ES now - I won't do it but I really want to write him another letter and tell him what an idiot he is depriving his gorgeous son of loving grandparents

??. Yes Whiff, bugger them. Their loss indeed.

My son has realised he went too far and that is why he is now being so careful. He was stunned to realise that I am much stronger than he thought, I think they both were, they thought I was a pushover and would be an easy win.

The look on their faces when we discussed Christmas that time was an absolute picture, stunned, shocked disbelief. I have to confess I did take some pleasure in their discomfort - naughty of me I know but it was a glorious moment of payback for me for all I had endured.

They both seriously underestimated me, mistaking gentleness for weakness. Well they have learned the difference now.

We are indeed Warrior Queens, all of us, coming out fighting and rebuilding our lives....with or without them. We have learned to take a stand and not to cave in, not to go begging.

I think we owe it to ourselves to stand proud and we owe it to the ones who do love us and cherish us. And I feel I owe it to the memory of my husband.

What was the worst in all this for me is the sense of betrayal. Yes it's a strong word but that's how I feel. I feel betrayed and that my trust has been abused. No matter what they do, no matter if this truce turns out to be a genuine long lasting peace the sad fact of the matter is I will never be able to trust my son again.

And that loss of trust, is to me, the saddest loss of all. Our relationship has been damaged and It will never be the same again.

My friend has welcomed her son back with open arms, just grateful to have him back in her life. I am not sure I would be able to do that, not after 9 years of complete estrangement. I am finding it hard enough as it is and I haven't even been fully estranged.

Elless. I think Anger is good.

At first I was shocked, then I was grief stricken, then I got angry. It was my anger that got me through it and gave me the strength to fight back.

Write the letter if you wish, get it all out of your system but don't send it. Don't give him the satisfaction of letting him see how hurt and angry you are.

I made the mistake of writing to my DIL in response to the evil texts she sent me. I tried to defend myself. Big mistake. I have learned it's best to hold your own counsel and maintain a dignified and diplomatic silence. Your silence will speak volumes.

Then, if the channels of communication do open up again, be very careful not to give them ammunition to use against you.

Keep your private thoughts to yourself, keep conversations light hearted, bland and superficial, play your cards close to your chest and do not divulge anything which can be used against you.

Pixie.....just caught your post. Sending you hugs and ?.

Look after yourself, rest, cry, watch some tv and enjoy your knitting.

❤️❤️

Oh PP I've done that too in the past. Christmas music, cards and seeing all of the lovely things we'd just love to buy for our GC just gets too much.

What a lovely young lady. Kindness from strangers means so much doesn't it and also demonstrates once again how cruel and heartless our EAC are.

Kindness from strangers is what happens on this thread too. The first time you post, you're entrusting your pain to strangers who very quickly become your friends.

Write the letter Elless you may find as I have in the past that simply writing it down is very cathartic. You don't have to send it. I never sent any of mine.

Also, what DSL has said is true anger is good. I once read that people who are angry, get up in the morning. People who are sad often don't. Anger has sustained me. Anger enabled me to get up, showered, dressed and leave the house. Days where the sadness overwhelmed me I was useless, couldn't do a bloody thing.

Whiff bugger them indeed.

We've lost so much but I really believe they have lost more.

Derbyshirelass and Smileless thank you so much for your kind words. It is lovely when the kindness from strangers can grip us in such a way. I hope I can help someone else out in the future.

DH thinks that I should toughen up which is not easy. They are not his children and he doesn’t understand the gut retching times I have gone through and still going through right now. Christmas is such a nostalgic time of year and I would love to turn the clock back and be sat in my parents sitting room and I am still a child. Such a happy childhood.

I cannot get over the hardness of these children of ours.

Knitting dog blankets to send to Battersea cats and dogs home - at least my efforts are appreciated there.

It isn't about toughening up PP it's about coming to terms with what's happened and learning to live with the pain of the loss. That takes time and after 9 years in many ways it's still a work in progress and to some extent I think it always will be, for all of us.

I know it probably doesn't seem like it but take it from me you're doing well. Just getting through every single day is doing well x

Purplepixie what a kind woman. It's lovely to met people like that. Cry all you want it will make you feel worse if you hold it in

Rage and anger are part of grieving. The rage and anger I felt after my husband died made me feel wicked until I realised it was normal. Estrangement is a form of grieving so rage and anger are all part of it. As much loss and sorrow.

To me estrangement and beveveament are akin. You go through all the same emotions and also the same physical changes. I lost weight after my husband died but put it back on and lost bit of weight after my son threw me away but have kept it off. As I am still trying to lose more weight. Want to get to 11st. Still be plump but never want to be a 32 again happy at a 16.

I know some feel shame over their estrangement but I have never felt that because it is my son who should be ashamed over the way he ended our relationship. While he has hurt me it comes no way near as much as my husband dieing hurts.

We Warrior Queens are stronger together and as sad as it is our numbers are growing at least this is a safe place to be and know we are not alone. ?

"as sad as it is our numbers are growing at least this is a safe place to be and know we are not alone" spot on Whiff.

True, it is a safe place to be and "better out than in". I've read that a lot of people's health suffers from estrangement. At first my heart was so broken that I actually wanted to lay down and die. It has helped to talk about it. I hope that our being open will open up dialogue for many others.

Don't be alone. Don't be a stranger. If you are estranged, talk to someone here. We are all in the same boat. Nothing has changed with the estrangement, but it definitely helps to unburden yourself. No one is meant to carry these heavy loads.

PS Meant to say, your health can suffer from estrangement or you can choose to do what's best for your health and make healthy decisions for yourself despite how you're feeling.

Most of the time, I do what's good- but last night I binge ate the Christmas florentines, so now I need to buy more!

I dont think I am at that stage yet to move on and put things behind me. I have the cards, cash and vouchers all ready to send but holding back for the moment.

The Covid might scupper the plans my eldest son has for them to spend all of christmas and new year with his inlaws staying with them.

Last night I didnt sleep very much and DH keeps on saying to toughen up but I cannot - this is ME! I kept going over old scenarios and trying to change the endings. Maybe I need to go to the drs in the new year and see about depression cos I am certainly down there in them dumps.

Thank you for reading. This afternoon I am going to phone one of my very best friends and have a talk booster from her. Sadly she lives 200 miles away or I would pop to hers for a cuppa or 3.

The thing is Pixie no tablets can cure a broken heart..Once you can accept this is it and find a reason then you can be yourself again, but as Smileless says it’s a work in progress. as mothers nothing to do with our children is ever truly finished, you can however move on and make a different and happy life. Very early days for you I know.

PurplePixie I'm sorry your husband doesn't get it. For one he's a man (and they are not our species!) and two, he's never been pregnant and bonded, plus three it's not his child. My therapist was a man and I dumped him because he kept telling me "don't keep thinking about it!" (NHS Steps to Wellbeing!!!!) Bloody clueless and he was PAID to be nice!

Mr O doesn't tell me to toughen up but I can tell he doesn't really understand. All he really knows is that as a step parent who has done their best, he is hurt.

I never foresaw this happening. Even when my son threatened me that if I got the jab he would disown me, I didn't believe it would actually happen. I mean, how could he disown his Mother? (The one person who had always been there for him and stood up for him through thick and thin?) Over the years he had upset many people and done so many stupid things, but I was always in his corner. It is devastating.

Like other traumatic experiences, estrangement can and does impact on physical health Onward. When several years ago, Mr. S. had a health scare in Aus. when we were visiting DS, the doctor told him about 'sad heart syndrome'. Prolonged periods of stress, anxiety and heart break can actually damage the heart muscle.

We thought he was having a heart attack, thank goodness he wasn't. It was a very bad panic attack and very frightening.

I do wish your H would stop telling you to "toughen up" PP. It makes me rather cross TBH. He may well feel differently had this been his child, but even if not, if it were possible to do so, we'd have all done it by now wouldn't we.

"you can however move on, and make a different and happy life" that's right Allsorts; it isn't easy but with time it is possible.

Yes and that's so true. Poor Mr S and poor you Smileless. It must have been so frightening! I wish EAC would realise the harm they cause, simply by cutting us off and refusing to even talk.

Yes, if it was possible to toughen up, we would all have. It's not helpful or validating to say that!

It really annoyed me that I was being told "Don't think about it" by a therapist as I feel that's very invalidating too

PurplePixie I wonder if it would help if, when your husband tells you to "toughen up" you said something along the lines of:

"When you tell me to toughen up do you mean that you don't want me to talk to you about how I am feeling? ...."
.....

"If you don't want me to talk to you about it then I have to find someone else to talk to. I hope that over time I will be able to move on a bit. But at the moment I really need to process what has happened and to do that I HAVE to go over things and consider all the aspects of what has happened, sometimes several times! I need to do this in order to find a way through all the hurt and pain and anger. This is like a bereavement for me, it IS a bereavement. I know that you don't feel the same as me and I understand that. But I need YOU to understand that "toughening up" which would really mean burying all my hurt and anger, sadness and pain would more likely end in my having a complete breakdown. I know you don't want that and neither do I!. So toughening up isn't the answer, I am entitled to have my feelings in these circumstances. ".....

....

"So can we look at how we move forward in a way that lets me deal with my pain and anger and hurt without worrying about you wanting me to toughen up...and how you feel able to support me as I go through this awful experience!"

Written down it all looks very stilted but I hope that you can see the overall idea of trying to express clearly your needs, acknowledging his viewpoint and trying to find a way forward that avoids him adding to your pain by telling you to "toughen up"! It just isn't fair to be told that in your position!


I do wonder if when he says that. it is at least partly because he doesn't like seeing you upset and sees "toughen up" as a solution to the problem. But as we all know, it just isn't in this sort of situation, if you don't allow yourself to feel and deal with your emotions they come back to bite you. {flowers]

How awful that people are told to,"toughen up" or "Dont think about". It's bad enough being estranged but to then have your feelings invalidated in that way is inhuman.

And yes there is indeed such a thing as "sad heart syndrome". It's an accepted medical fact.

I have been hospitalised with "stress attacks".....they are indistinguishable from heart attacks. Only an ECG and a blood test can tell them apart.

Grrrrrr I am so angry that some of you are being ridden over roughshod like this. ??. Some people are just unbelievable.

Another dark depressing day here. I just want Christmas over and done with now so that I can bring look forward to 2022 and out this dreadful year behind me.

I thought 2014, the year my husband died was bad enough, but in a funny way this year has been worse. When my husband died, I felt grief and loss but that that grief was pure, because my husband was faithful and loving. He would never have let me down. The grief I have suffered at the hands of my son has been compounded by betrayal and abuse of my trust.

I think thats what makes the loss of an EAC so difficult to bear. It's not merely the fact that they disappear from their parents lives, it is the pain of betrayal and abuse of trust which compounds the grief.

It's a pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Our children must think just because they no longer want or need a mom and dad that we stop being their parents.

We are their parents and their children's grandparents forever even after we die. They seem to think by rejecting us they are no longer part of us.

What gave me comfort and still does is my husband's DNA lives on in our daughter and son and part in our grandson's. I know that is strange but I am an atheist. To me it makes sense. Where a religious person finds comfort in God I find it in science.

Just because my son says I am not his mom does stop me being his mom or him my son. His sons are my grandson's . And as long as he is married his wife is still my daughter in law.

We don't disappear in a puff of smoke we are still living our lives the best way we can. I still talk about him and my grandson's because they are my family. And nothing my son can say or do will ever change that.

Whether he likes it or not he is stuck with me forever.

Whiff, you expressed that so well. One day your son will be where you are now, children grown and flown, then he will know how you felt. Life is really too precious to let an ungrateful, entitled child bring you down, I am determined that from this day on I will make a conscious effort not to shed another tear, concentrate on my life as I have wasted too many years on a d that simply doesn’t care. Derbyshire I felt the same as you, my husband and best friend, never let me down, put me first but my daughter I feel has betrayed my love, been cruel and selfish. I can never see her other than she has become, that lovely girl I had has gone. As the Bard said “Sharper than a servants tooth is an ungrateful child” You treat a stranger better, many times I have been lifted up one as I do hope I have done for others.
I wish I could get angry, somehow I can’t, I get hurt, dwell on things, feel a range of emotions but never anger, was told that was one stage of grief, but not for me.
Purple Pixie, how are you supposed to toughen up, what a silly thing to say, are you supposed to flick a switch to turn off feelings?

Thank you to everyone for your kind words. Madgran77 - I have had lots of chats with DH in the past but he just doesn’t get it. Men are certainly from Mars! I think I am supposed to flick a switch and just toughen up. I spoke to one of my best friends yesterday on the phone. Sadly she lives 200 miles away or I would spend some time with her right now. She also said that I am going through a grieving process and shouldn’t be told to toughen up. I felt better once I had spoke to her. Still no phone call from my eldest son but my youngest son will be phoning over the weekend. Hopefully he will be home some time next week for the christmas time and then back to his flat for the new year festivities which he is spending with his two flat mates.
Take care warrior queens.

Purplepixie

Thank you Whiff

I think I have just made a fool of myself this morning while in the supermarket. What with the music, christmas stuff and all this carryon with my daughter and eldest son - I just felt so down. I wanted to get some food stuff to put away. One minute I was looking at stuff and I just burst into tears. A lovely young girl who could have been my daughters age came up to me and asked if I was alright. I just couldn’t stop crying and thank goodness for the mask as I must have looked a sight. The whole thing just got too much. I FEEL so down lately. This horrible everyone will be happy lark is all too much. She asked me if I wanted to go with her and her little one and have a cuppa. I thanked her and said I would be OK. I saw her later and gave her the thumbs up sign, but what a lovely kind and caring person. Why cannot my family be like that? They must know what I am going through. I got home and cried some more. DH is busy in his man cave and I am going to have a quiet afternoon and just watch TV and knit. Take care all of my warrior queens on the wonderful site. Thank you. ? ?

Oh Pixie I'm so very sorry! What a lovely young lady that was, to stop and try and comfort you, you think to yourself it should be your daughter doing the comforting

Best of luck tonight Smileless

Sorry I don't reply to all posting, but so many good replies saying all that's needed to help and comfort, well done all xx

Pixie no you didn't make a fool of yourself, we are all only human, with human emotions, as you say so hard at this time of year xxx

PurplePixie if he really doesn't get it then all I can suggest is that you tell him to PLEASE stop saying it because it just isn't helping you. If he says it again just say "I asked you to stop telling me that. It doesn't help!"

I am glad you felt a bit better after talking to your friend. ⚘⚘