Daughter Detox ~ Recovering from an Unloving Mother

It must still be very difficult maddyone but also a relief that at least she's in the care home now. She's blaming the staff now instead of blaming you so at least you're getting some rest from all the criticism and guilt trips.

maddy you sound so much stronger lately and it's brilliant

maddyone: I am also living the scenario you described. My Grandmother is in a care home now. She doesn't complain as much as your mom does, but boy oh boy does she get on a ringer sometimes.

My mom is still in the hospital since Christmas. My sister has been working with the hospital team to find her a rehab center to transition to to help build her strength. NOTHING is going to work for her. Nothing. She has limited choices but thinks we all need to keep looking until she finds her utopia. Which does not exist.

It is exhausting.

Thank you for your comments and understanding ladies. I think I am stronger now Violet although I admit to still feeling guilty and that I don’t do enough for my mother. I try to stamp those feelings down though now. Obviously when you see your 94 year old mother in a care home, having lost all independence, and more or less always in bed, you’d have to have a heart of stone to not feel sorry that it’s come to this, and I know I certainly don’t want to end my life like that. But I won’t allow her to manipulate me like she did, in particular because she was admitted to hospital recently and she informed my sister but not myself, meaning my very manipulative sister texted my daughter in law and told her, so that I found out in a round about way about my mother’s hospital admittance. This is the second time she has done this. I had a very good (strong) talk with her when she got back to her care home, saying that as her next of kin and relative living near her and does everything for her, that in future she must let me know if she goes into hospital. That I’m not prepared to find out she’s in hospital from my nephew 250 miles away or from my (lovely) daughter in law. It took over an hour but she finally agreed she will do that. She was game playing, God knows why, but she was. Of course she didn’t admit that, but since she agreed to let me know, I consider that I made my point.

It is indeed exhausting feedomfromthepast and your mother will continue to behave like that because she thinks you owe her. They all think that their child, however old the child is, is there to look after them and do whatever they want doing. They do not see you as an individual, you are simply an extension to themselves, and should therefore do whatever they require. I think as they age, they demand more as they see their own physical abilities fail. The aging process is sad for any elderly person, but narcissistic mothers feel the loss even more as they cannot accept they are losing some of their power.

As someone trying to recover from the opposite. It’s not easy.

freedom and maddy you are both very strong. I've walked away from any obligations in the future. Although, if she ended up with nothing or no one I think I would have to help somehow.

Allsorts

Freedom and Maddy you are doing so well. Allsorts {flowers]

Violetsky I totally get it.

It's probably best to do from a distance if possible since nothing you do will ever be "good enough".

No, it's not easy Allsorts for any of us but it is possible, there is a light at the end of the tunnel and the nearer we get to it, the brighter it shines x.

Yes estrangement is difficult for everyone involved.

Maddy: I agree. The aging process itself brings about a difference in how our minds work I am learning as I have been taking care of my Grandmother.

Added on top of my mother's personality is a possible stroke, which is really affecting her personality.

My sisters and I have found a nice balance to ensure that everyone needs are being met though. One of my sister's is at the hospital with mom each day and I am not. Which works for me. But I am taking care of everything I can on the outside, bills, food for my dad etc.

It is working.

For those who don't enjoy long books or can't find the spare money right now, the author writes many very helpful articles on estrangement

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/tech-support/202006/why-parental-estrangement-is-sometimes-unavoidable

That was a very good article. I have no time to read books right now, so shorter articles like this are better.

Good link Violetsky.

I can't ever imagine my Mother "hearing me out" about anything or validating my feelings.

Look, she doesn't take responsibility for the bad decisions she makes in her own life, so she definitely isn't about to admit what she did in mine wasn't ok. Others might be the same? Mine just never takes responsibility, full stop, not for anything. Not for herself, not for anyone.

Why would mine change when she can blame everyone else but her? It's always been this way and it will not change now. I accept it. The best I can do is not to have regrets. We only have one Mother and I won't treat her how she treated her Mum because I have standards. She will not always be here, so I will do my best.

Even she who estranged her Mother, was devastated when she actually died, so I think maybe it's harder to lose someone that you're estranged from? Even if they are a $%&*ing pain, they are our $&%*ing pain, if we have not estranged them. I don't criticise estrangement because I think no one walks in the same shoes.

We all have to do what we feel comfortable with and what seems best at any given time. It may change, it may not. But overall, we make decisions on the information available at the time and keep ourselves safe- whether it be limited contact or no contact.

Being completely honest Onward I do wish I could have been low contact. I just could not build defences against her, I'm terrible at it. Every time she was even slightly nice I would completely let my guard down and be shocked and devastated when she was very soon nasty again.

The only good I have managed, since I've been estranged, I've finally learnt to stop letting other horrible people get to me. It's very freeing and without any reactions from me they just make themselves look bad.

I still don't think I could do that with my mother...

I don't want to try and find out as I have no doubt she would use it to make me look bad and as an admission of my guilt, then she would estrange me if I did go back.

You sound so much stronger lately too

Glad it helped freedom will keep my eye out

Onward, I can tell you that when my mother almost died on Christmas Day, the feelings I had were surprising to me. Even with estrangement, they are still our parents.

I think there is some regret in the finality of death. Even when we estrange, especially mothers from daughters IMO, we still have a sliver of hope that they will magically become the mothers we have always needed and deserved. That can't happen when they die. So we are left mourning the mother we did have AND the mother we needed.

I am like you in that I cant just write her off. I do not want to have contact with her, but I am working very hard to help her by taking care of my dad and setting things up to renovate her house for her to come home. I can't not do it, it isn't my nature.

Aww thanks Violetsky I think its because I'm not keeping the family secrets anymore!
Im so sorry and I know that devastation too, its not you, it never was.

Freedomfromthepast that is a good point and may explain why my Mother went off the edge when her Mother died, even though she had been Low Contact with her. You are ding a great job! I hope youre getting time to do things that nourish you and put back into you, otherwise its just being taken from constantly and thats draining.

A friend of mine said recently that my mum sounded like hers and I mentioned narcissism...

She sent me this today and it's fascinating

blog.melanietoniaevans.com/does-the-narcissist-know-what-he-or-she-is-doing/

I skimmed this and it sounds familiar. Once I have a spare moment (Grandma was talking about a hunger strike in her care center today so I had to take care of that ) I will finish reading it.

I found that very interesting VioletSky, thanks for posting it.

I think this part hit me hardest

I have decided that today is a new day for me. I have so so much to be happy about and thankful for. My mind and body are going to get a spring clean.

I hope everyone has weathered all the latest storms and are doing OK?

Ive been following Melanie tonia Evans on social media for a while now Violetsky and I've got one of her books, not finished it yet but it's very helpful. Im not at home at the moment so I can't say what its called.

Weathered the storms ok, thanks. Interesting times! I haven't logged on here because theres a lot going on.... Hope everyone is ok. Will check back when I can.

I am thankful for a winter storm coming through here tomorrow so I can stay home! Nothing like what you all got, but we are getting negative F temps, so it will be cold.

I have hit a roadblock with my hoarder mother. She refuses to allow me to throw anything away, no matter what condition it is. All I can do is walk away. Someone will probably report her to the county at some point and they will come in and condemn the house.

I am exhausted.

I am finalizing Grandma's move and home sale though. That will be less on my plate in a couple of weeks.

I will look her up Onward

I have friend who is a hoarder freedom and I think you are right to step away from that one. You've achieved a lot lately, I hope you are going to reward yourself

My brother's a hoarder freedomfromthpast and it's a thankless task trying to get them to declutter. Have had varying degrees of success over the years, but within a few months, it's started all over again.