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Daughter Detox ~ Recovering from an Unloving Mother

(542 Posts)
VioletSky Sat 27-Nov-21 15:22:08

Has anyone read this?

I was thinking about buying this book and perhaps other unloved daughters could too and we could use this thread to discuss it?

Or are there any other resources you found particularly helpful that you could share here?

Or do you just need somewhere to talk and be heard about your experiences growing up with your family of origin?

I have cake smile

VioletSky Mon 29-Aug-22 18:13:12

I have reached the chapters in The Body Keeps the Score that talk about healing.

The first half of the book was a difficult read, I have to be honest. Triggering in places but what came across the most was this man's deep empathy and care in his journey to understand and help people.

I'm hopeful.

Sometimes I feel like my body is at constant war, I'm riddled with self sabotage and that feeling of guilt as if I don't deserve to be treated well or treat myself well. Sometimes it is a fight I win and sometimes a fight I lose.

I'm starting to realise though, that I'm not a bad person and I'm certainly not what my mother needed me to be to feel justified in her behaviour.

I am not my triggers

I am not my reactions

I am not other people's perceptions

I am not me at my best

I am not me at my worst

I am good enough

I will keep reading

imaround Mon 29-Aug-22 19:09:57

Hugs of happiness for you to hit this point VS. From my experience, this is the first step to true freedom.

Limcha Mon 29-Aug-22 19:53:54

Taking your power back from those who would seek to keep you weak is amazing! Bless all of you who have been able to do so! I support you all and you journey to happiness! For those of you still on the journey, just know that others see and are cheering for you.

VioletSky Mon 29-Aug-22 20:45:48


imaround Tue 30-Aug-22 00:21:48

Just ran across an interesting video on YouTube about the "good enough" mother (and parent).

It is by Daniel Mackler called Why I Don’t Like the “Good-Enough Mother” Concept -- And How Easily It Is Misused

I found it an interesting way to look at things.

VioletSky Wed 31-Aug-22 18:11:28

"Good enough parent" was something I was taught in counselling... because I was beating myself up

But after watching that, we'll that's not my idea of a good enough parent at all and using it as in excuse to be bare minimum and not meet your children's needs... I'll never use it again

VioletSky Wed 31-Aug-22 18:19:00

Another idea I have gone off from reading is "Grey Rock".

I'm not saying it doesn't have its place, because it does if you are in contact with an abusive person and can't break away.

For me though, I have been doing it for far too long... pretending that I'm fine in the face of abusive or triggering situations. When actually the reality is stamping down my own anger or hurt and suffering internally. I don't think that works with a narcissist, they sense it.

The reality is that some people in life are just crappy people. Why should their words bother me when I can just look at them and think "blimey you are a piece of rubbish" then move on with my day.

I can't fix my mother or fix my other rubbish family members. What I can do is recognise that that is their problem and doesn't have to impact me at all.

imaround Wed 31-Aug-22 19:27:41

I think grey rocking has its place. Especially when dealing with a narcissist in the workplace where you have no other choice. I have used it with my mother and it has been very effective.

I see it as a chance to not divulge information about myself that someone can use to hurt me in the future. I also see it as a chance to stop a conversation in it's tracks when a toxic person is pushing with the intent to start an argument.

I am one, though, to be very direct and stamp down the toxicity if the grey rocking does not work. I don't seek out confrontation, but if that is my only choice, I will rise to the occasion.

VioletSky Wed 31-Aug-22 19:31:25

It definitely has its place but I think I have, I'm not sure I am explaining well, but made it a lifestyle instead of a tool

imaround Wed 31-Aug-22 20:36:17

That makes sense. It shouldn't be a lifestyle. I can see how we would make it one though as we may have trust issues overall.

VioletSky Wed 31-Aug-22 22:52:42

For me, i think my ultimate goal in healing has to be my triggers

Those buttons my mother installed

The things that bring back all the pain

So if I grey rock those, it's not helping me, I need the buttons gone.

Definitely agree we would end up in that place with it because that's how we survived, keeping those emotions in.

I feel like there must be a place where...

You let those emotions out rather than internalise them

And also

Where you can look at someone and just think " the problem is you, go away"

imaround Fri 09-Sep-22 02:38:58

I know there is a lot to process today, but I wanted to post this TED video regarding how childhood trauma affects our physiology for the rest of our lives. We never really leave it behind us do we?

VioletSky Fri 09-Sep-22 08:06:33

Thank you

ACES are so important

OnwardandUpward Wed 28-Sep-22 17:04:41

I think the feeling of " the problem is you, go away" comes when we heal to a certain extent and begin to accept and love our inner child, when we start to build self esteem and realise that not everything is about us. We realise that Toxic people are toxic because THEY are toxic, not because there's something wrong with us.

That's the basis of shame isn't it, believing we are "Wrong". It's a lie though because we were beautiful children who deserved love and compassion but now have to reach out to the abandoned inner child ourselves. There is shame, but it is NOT ours.

VioletSky Tue 11-Oct-22 18:13:05

I think love isn't enough

We don't call it a loveship

We call it a relationship.

A good relationship depends on how we behave towards each other and how we behave in general.

I used to think I needed to be liked by everyone. A long time ago. I really thought I needed to be liked by people who love me.

Now I know that some relationships are not for me and that is ok

Starlyte Fri 14-Oct-22 21:26:23

My partner, passed away a year back, was abandonned at 5 then fostered by a family who treated him horribly.
He found it very hard to express love and thought all the time "If I'm happy now it won't last so I better not get used to it..."
We were together for over 20 years, and he needed to talk about it à lot.
Despite that, talking never really helped him, as the wounds were so deep.
However it helped me to understand him, and to realise that he loved me, but just had problems expressing it verbally. He was hurt too often in life.
So maybe explaning our abusive families to those close to us, or who we hope are close, may help them to understand a certain apparant distance in relationships exists. Also makes it clearer to our DH or DW that however much we love them and show it in many ways, it's hard to say and show it as some do.
I know if I didn't know of my DH's problems I would have probably missed out on a wonderful relationship, with someone who merited a better childhood.
It can be vital to talk, especially to those closest and loved, in my experience.