Daughter Detox ~ Recovering from an Unloving Mother

This is such a difficult subject and there was so little information available when we were young so I'm so glad having these conversations helps people

Something that I first noticed as a teenager was that people would say "you're so lucky to have such a great Mum" (it would be said to me when I was reeling in pain from something she had said or done) I knew then that when she did something awful, she would lie to others that it was me so they would pick on me, thinking I was the bad one.

It worked for her, for a long time because I felt so bad about myself due to repeated shaming and attacks that I almost killed myself. I even think that if I had died, there is a part of her that would have been happy to get the ensuing attention. It's very sad to think that, and I haven't said this before to anyone.

Violetsky you're right. If only there was internet when we were young! If there was, I'd have been banned from it, though. I wonder how many kids are scapegoated and outsiders believe the kid is bad because the parent is so good at covering their tracks?

Some heartbreaking stories.
I hope you all had other adults in your young lives who showed you kindness.
I think I developed what I can only describe as ‘crushes’ on some women, I would become obsessed with them, fantasise about being taken in to live with their families, looking back I wonder if they thought I was a bit weird.
Random acts of kindness by other peoples mothers, I remember clearly till this day.

I did have a kind Grandma who showed me unconditional love. I think she knew what was happening, but was unsuccessful in doing anything about it. She was always kind and never saw bad in me.

One particular time I remember I was invited on a picnic with friends where everyone was taking their own food. It was expected that people would bring food to share, but my mum made me 4 slices of marmite sandwiches and refused to let me take anything else. So, I was sitting there with my dry sandwiches and goggle eyed at all the amazing food, but my Mum had told me I was not to eat any food offered me....so I said no when offered delicious food even though I badly wanted it. My friend's Mums did insist that I ate that delicious food after I'd told them I was not allowed. I always remember that delicious food and am thankful for those women.

Yes, I used to fantasize about being adopted by someone kind or living with my Grandma. Like you Sara1954 I hope others had someone kind in their lives.

I had a great dad. I actually nearly ended up living with him after their divorce, I was 2. A family friend let slip that mother could not cope with me and I asked him about it and its true.

I have a much younger sister that has grown up with him and sometimes I wish I could have had that life too, so much she has that I didn't. I don't ever feel jealous though, just sad

That's so good for you Violetsky So fortunate the family friend let it slip!

Aw, it's understandable to feel sad when other siblings have advantages you never did. I also feel like that, but I think they think I had it better.

My parents stayed together, there would never have have been any possibility of them separating.
I think my dad must have had a miserable life, and a wasted life, I always hope he found some enjoyment in his long solitary walks, and his books.

My parents also stayed together and I can tell you that my dad IS having a miserable life. I always wondered why he stayed and he told me recently that he couldn't leave because she would take half his pension.

I have struggled with the topic of my father for a long time and it still causes me more pause then my mom does. I know why she is who she is. But him... He enabled her. He ignored what she is for many years, turning a blind eye. But he is selfish as well. She needed a new car and when they went to look for one, he came home with a brand new truck.

I really hope that they both find peace in death. Neither of them have found it in life.

Yes, my Dad is also an enabler. He stood by when he should have acted to protect. He took her side, not mine.

I still love them, despite it all and hope they find peace in this life but if not, in death. I know it sounds awful, but I think we will with mixed feelings.

My dad stepped in now and again when he considered she was going too far, but it seemed to me that he was just weary of the whole thing.

I think enablers just want a peaceful life. I don't know

I do remember very well all the times I told my children off because when they went to her house they were expected to be quiet and still. Even in the garden, they were told to be quiet because "what will the neighbours think". She constantly told me I was a bad mum and made me feel so ashamed.

I can't express how angry I am about that now. My children are great, she was at fault.

My Dad never once stepped in, in fact he aided and abetted the abuse, probably for her approval. Yes they probably do want a peaceful life.

I also regret holding my parents up as a good standard to my kids, thinking I was the bad one and they had it all sorted, like you Violetsky telling them off for the same reasons. Yes, me too, the shame.

My children are great too. They always were. We always were. We were lied to. She was at fault- and even now my Mother can see no good in anyone.

My feelings for my mother aren’t confused in any way, I don’t like her, I know she had her own issues, but she was a bad mother, a cold, and often nasty woman.
My feelings for my dad are more confusing, as a small child I remember him with enormous affection, he was very hands on, and he and I spent lots of time together.
He did become ill, and although it was managed, I don’t think he always felt well, and my mother and I constantly rowing can’t have helped.
I think I disappointed him, and he seemed to lose interest, only stepping in when I suppose he thought my mother was going too far.

I loved my dad though, he was a good man, when he died , my mother became a loose cannon, with no one to moderate her, she just got nastier and nastier.

I am realistic about who and what they are. I think my siblings might be narcs as well, where I'm the scapegoat. I've found something helpful on Quora which I've pasted below in case it helps anyone else.
www.quora.com/How-do-narcissists-treat-their-siblings

Elizabeth Conolly, studied Psychology
Answered Dec 1, 2018
If they are both narcs, they tend to be very competitive with each other, even if different ages, genders, and even if they have very different goals in life. The Golden Child will continue to torment a Scapegoat, usually the roles continue. I’ve also found that the roles can reverse, as the scapegoat can find their way in the world, and their talents, or learn that they weren’t the awful person they were led to believe, so then they tend to become very successful, and become excellent narcissistic supply, whereas the Golden Child may find the real world a harsh reality check, where they find they’re not as special and Golden as they were led to believe. For example, maybe grades were everything growing up, and in adulthood, they realize some of the things that were so important in the family, don’t really matter, and you can’t rely on grades, looks, weight, sport talent, or whatever was valued by the narc parent/ parents. It’s a bit of karma I’ve found.

Good huh? I mean, not good that we lived it, but scapegoats are the most high functioning.

So sorry you felt that way with your Dad Sara1954 Maybe he was more ill than you realised. It's good you have happy memories. My Dad was not interested in me because I was a girl. He also scapegoated me from an early age, probably for being born female.

Absolutely scapegoats being the most high functioning. We HAD to be to survive the abuse!

I have said for a long time that I would rather be the scapegoat than the GC. I look at my GC sister and would not want her life. She cant take care of herself.

Yes, we are actually the blessed ones. Through all the pain, we are the high flying, the free.

I wouldn’t want the life of my sister. She’s narcissistic, like our mother.

Here, here Maddyone

I havent really looked into my brother too much but the little put downs, the dismissiveness, the assuming I am going to react a certain way and then running with that even when I don't react that way are all present.

You know those confusing times when it's like you are having 2 different conversations and you just end up baffled. Their version of who you are is so different to who you actually are. That's how an abuser needs it to be though to justfy their own behaviour.

It's a shame really as he was totally different young but after he started manipulating people and cheating on his partners he started the same blaming and shaming to excuse his behaviour. Nothing was ever his fault.

Oh yes, VioletSky I know that only too well.

They lie, cheat, manipulate and destroy, will tread on anyone to get where they want to be- and yet it's always "someone else's fault".

I think that's what did it in the end.

I tried so hard for so long to show them who I was as a person.

Then I started fighting it, but fighting it just meant arguing, trying to be right, playing their games.

I realised the only way I could ever be myself was to stop engaging with it all. So that's me now. Cannot be liked by everyone, sometimes that's a me problem, sometimes that's a them problem but I'm always myself regardless lol

Sorry things on my mind today. Hope everyone's week got off to a good start

Visited my mother in her care home this morning. She’s taken to her bed more or less permanently since she arrived there last October. She won’t get up. Often says she’s ‘poorly.’ She blames the staff, says they won’t get her up. Blames the staff for everything. Keeps saying she wants to die or she’s fed up of being in her room. It’s a gorgeous home, like a lovely hotel. Absolutely loads of lovely activities every day, she just complains absolutely all the time and won’t join in. Last activity she did was afternoon tea in the lounge about four weeks ago. It was lovely, I saw it all, just like a lovely hotel. She said it was ‘rubbish’ and no one would give her any food.
This is narcissism in old age I’m afraid. I suppose she’s trying to make me feel guilty but I’m refusing to do so. The other old people are much more cheerful.

They would never see you as a person Violet. You’re just seen as an extension of themselves.